Disclaimer: Nope. These characters still elude me. (to SquareEnix) Go to Hell!
Mystic: (sings) It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV. (authoress composes herself) Look out guys. I sense a Family Guy parody. Now, Maniac sent me in an idea that just made me laugh. Poor Reno, he never can keep his mouth shut.
Note to self: Never piss off a sexy bartender who contains the ability to kick serious ass.
Senior Turk Reno has kept that very important mental note fairly well since the start of his romance with sexy Tifa. That's not to say he was whipped by any means. Hell no. Super far from the truth, thank you. Reno was the master at sly words and suave actions that, for the most part, would usually make Tifa forget her side of the argument and let him have his way. Yeah, he was good like that. Seduction worked wonders too. Nothing was cooler than turning an angry woman into a puddle of goo by an impromptu striptease complete with chocolate syrup.
Not today though. The planets weren't aligned properly or something. As soon as he walked in the door to their apartment and saw that angry look on her face, he knew that he was in trouble for something that he really didn't remember doing. Well, he did do her, but that always makes her happy.
"Reno, what is this?" Tifa stood with her hip cocked to the side and one hand pointing the floor by the couch.
Green eyes followed down the length of her slender arm to the spot on the floor. A pair of rumpled boxer briefs and dark blue jeans lay haphazardly on the ground. "My clothes, babe," he answered with a shrug.
"What are they doing on the hardwood floor that I work very hard to keep clean?"
Eesh, she was pissed over that? Holy crap. Okay, time to start the magical tongue he was blessed with. Time to weave sly words that would leave her creaming in his wake. Now was the moment that demanded his mischievious smirk and--
"Quit standing there like an idiot, Reno! Why the hell are your clothes laying on the floor?!"
Never mind. "Teef, if I recall, you're the one who flung them off me." His face dropped to a scowl, masculine pride unwilling to let the female win.
Tifa was unnerved as she ungracefully stomped toward him. "Are you too lazy to pick them up before you go to work?"
"Are you?"
"I'm not your servant, Reno!" she yelled right in his face.
No. Right now, bitch would be more accurate. He calmly walked past to grab something out of the fridge, but was stopped by her hand grabbing his arm. Oh, no she didn't. "Look, yo. I work very hard--"
"Don't give me that shit, Reno," she cursed. "Your job is not that hard." Tifa grabbed his EMR and pretended to zap an invisible opponent. "BZZZ! There. They die."
His crimson eyebrow raised in amusement. "Oh, yeah? Miss, press-the-red-button-and-BOOM-goes-Mako reactor?"
"Shut up, Reno."
"You shut up."
"No, you!"
"Bitch."
Tifa's vermillion eyes began to flare dangerously. "What did you call me?" Her tone took a very serious and very deadly drop.
Too late did Reno spot the box of "feminine products" sitting on the counter. Ah, so that explains her bitchy mood. Witchy mood. Damn, he was going to be a dead man.
"Beach," he quickly corrected, slowly backing away to the door. "You and I should totally go to the beach one day."
The promise of a vacation to Costa del Sol meant jack squat at the moment, Reno noticed, as his specialized weapon came flying toward his head. Along with his jeans and boxers.
Note to self: Work lots of overtime when Tifa is on the rag.
BONUS CHAPTER
Four young adults sat slumped over the coffee table in Vincent Valentine's apartment. Tifa was half-way sitting on Reno's lap, a glassy look in both of their eyes. Yuffie was genuinely sprawled next to her boyfriend, somehow tangling herself in his cape. At the moment, the shinobi was too inebriated to care.
Vincent glanced up at the ceiling and sighed as if in deep thought. "I never ... made love to a blind girl ... uh ... with my underwear half on ... fuck ... while wearing cowboy boots ... and uh ... a feather hat."
"Oh, COME ON!" Reno shrieked. Whose stupid idea was it to play I Never? The redhead reluctantly reached for his beer and swallowed another swig. His eyes were near shut, but he remained awake--barely.
Yuffie sat up briefly as her turn came around. "Uh ... " she started, leaning back against her goth lover. "I never did the same thing only ... in Texas?"
"COME ON!" Reno yelled again.
"Where's Texas?" Tifa slurred, watching as her fiancee downed another sip.
The ninja shrugged, putting her head on Vincent's warm lap. "I dunno. Made it up."
"Night-night ... " Reno yawned as he finally passed out. His head made a painful noise and lovely dent on the coffee table, causing a drunken cheer to exit from his busty babe.
"Yay! My man passed out first!" Tifa held out her hands to Yuffie and Vincent. "Pay up guys."
"Can we write on him?" Yuffie asked with a snort. Vincent looked at his tiny ninja with a questioning glance. Was anybody sober enough to write legibly?
Apparently so. Reno was not at all happy to see 'Insert condom here' on his buttcheeks the next morning.
Mystic: Okay, so I threw a bonus story in. Couldn't help it. Happy fairy went crazy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think the guys in white suits on their way to take yours truely to the crazy house. (cue insane cackle) Feedback? Review? It makes me happy ...
