Chapter 12 The Long, Long, Long, Long Talk
The night the frogman proposed to Elly May, the night Dr. Klinger had his own talk with Mr. Drysdale, Jed Clampett faced up to the task he'd been putting off for almost ten years. A job that was, in its way, harder than eating Elly May's cooking:
5. Jed is gonna have the long talk with Jethro tonight. Granny will give Jed as much coffee as he needs. Black coffee because Jed's gonna be up for a long time.
There was a time when Jed respected Jethro for having obtained a sixth grade education. This was something Jed, living deeper in the hills that his relatively citified Cousin Pearl, never had. Jed had learned to read and write informally. However, that education, while teaching Jethro how to figure, hadn't given him any common sense. Living in Beverly Hills inflated his ego, making him impossible to be around. From what Jed could see of the Beverly Hills folks, Jethro's attempts at being a "playboy" or "sophisticated" were a failure and the boy had been repeatedly been making a clown of himself. (1)
"Ain't that the truth" said Granny, when Jed confided his feelings to her. "You're gonna have a time trying to cram some common sense into that boy's numbskull head!"
"I don't want to be too tough on the boy" Jed replied.
"You may have too" Granny observed. "He's got his head swelled up like a balloon. Full of the same thing too, no sense but hot hair."
"Granny" admonished Jed.
"It's not spite that makes me say it, Jed" Granny said. "It's the truth. The sooner you prick that balloon the happier and better the boy'll be!"
"If only I didn't have to do it tonight" Jed said, taking even more of a disliking to the duty he had to perform. "What, will Elly likely to be proposed to and all . . . ."
"No more putting it off, Jed" said Granny sternly. "It's been nigh upon ten years! You said tonight! There'll be plenty of time for Mark to get your official say-so . . . and for a wingding or shindig to celebrate the engagement . . . and a bigger one at the wedding. You leave Elly's matchmaking to me, while I'll go and leave Jethro to you."
""I don't want you interfering too much!" Jed responded.
"I promise you that as soon as Mark arrives" said Granny, "I'll leave him to court Elly in the fancy courting parlour."
Granny, of course, didn't promise not to eavesdrop. Jed, preoccupied with his own troubles, didn't remember to ask.
"Oh, Jed' said Granny, as Jed went up the stairs to face Jethro. "Don't forget your coffee!"
"Thanks Granny" said Jed. "I reckon I'm going to be at it a long, long, long, long time!"
Jethro was just waking up when Jed arrived in the boy's room. Jethro's homespun and rough-hewed personal possessions contrasted sharply with the luxury of the furnishings around him.
"How are you feeling, boy?" asked Jed.
"Sick, Uncle Jed" said Jethro. "Who do them Drysdales think they are, shooting an international jet-setting playboy sophisticate genius like myself!"
Jed looked heavenward in despair.
"I suppose when I figure on the problems other folks face, I should be happy" said Jed. "And, you, Jethro, should be happy that you ain't been more serious hurt!"
"Just wait 'til everyone of my jet-setting friends hears of this!" said Jethro. "What do you think Princess Grace and Prince Reindeer over in Montenegro are gonna think about this!" (2)
"Let's never mind about them, for a minute" said Jed patiently. "I think, with you layed up here for a spell, now's the time for us to have that there talk I've been reckoning on having with you. What I'm a gonna do, Jethro, is tell you what my own Pa done told me about life. We's also gonna talk about things common sense wise. I figure you're about old enough to know, in fact I guess I waited too long and short of done right and sat down to have the talk with you long time ago."
"Uncle Jed" Jethro protested, "You've got to be kidding. I'm a city sophisticate. What can a hay shaker like you learn me about anything! Uh, no offense Uncle Jed!"
"Lord love you" Jed replied sadly, "but Granny was right! That balloon's gotta be popped! This is gonna hurt me, boy, far more than it's a gonna hurt you. But the truth's gotta be told!"
"What truth!" Jethro exclaimed.
"You ain't no genius, you ain't smart, you ain't hardly got the sense to come in from the rain" Jed told Jethro spiritedly, but with a heavy heart.
"You know what you're telling me!" said Jethro.
"I'm a saying it was a credit to your teachers that they managed to put six grades worth of schooling into that skull of yours" Jed retorted. "I've been a watching you since your Ma sent you to drive us out for Beverly Hills. You was always a short of common sense, but pride has made you worse and has gnawed up was used to be a good nature. I'm a gonna set you right on that, and let you know some other things besides!"
Jethro started to sputter something, but Jed was too quick. He grabbed Jethro's jaw with two fingers, and held it shut with an iron grip.
"Sorry, boy" said Jed forcefully. "But it's time you've learned what's what!'
Jethro was so shocked he gave no further objections.
Hour after hour after hour, Jed set out to disabuse Jethro of his fantasies. Uneducated though Jed was, he was sharp and had an excellent memory of his dopey nephew's many mistakes and failings. Jed might not have been street smart, but he was hill smart.
Where to begin? How Jethro cut down one of the Drysdale's pine trees, and gnawed the stump so they'd think a beaver did it? How Jethro launched himself strapped to a rocket, hoping to reach the moon, its green cheese and the moon maidens thereon? When Jethro put a car phone in the truck, attached by a long line to the telephone plug in the mansion? (3)
Those and many more. Hour after hour after hour. Explaining why these were all stupid notions, and not intelligent in the least. It took a while, but Jethro's pride escaped, as Granny predicted, like hot air from a burst balloon. The truth finally dawned upon him, and he felt very low indeed. Jed gave Jethro another glass of moonshine, managing to give both of them a respite.
Granny was waiting outside the door, stonefaced.
"You're sure giving it to him hard" she said. "But it's got to be done! Soon as he's slept off my rheumatism medicine, I want you to be back up here!"
"Will do" said Jed. "This might have been the hardest part of the talk."
"Now his awful bubble's burst" said Granny encouragingly, "He's a gonna listen close to the rest of what you've got to say!"
"It made me none too happy doing it!" said Jethro.
"Well, this will" said Granny, bursting into a smile. "Elly's engaged to frogboy . . . er . . . Lt. Mark Templeton, happy and of their own choice!"
"Well, doggies!" smiled Jed. "That is good news!"
Duly, Jed congratulated Elly and gave the frogman his formal permission and blessing. Then he made his excuses, and repaired to the kitchen to update Pearl and Granny on the status of the talk.
"You don't stop now, Jed" said Pearl, when she had heard Jed out. "Now that you've gone this far you've gotta finish."
"I don't aim to stop" said Jed.
"Best back to it" said Granny. "My medicine ought to be wearing off anytime now. I'll make you some more black coffee!"
For a second night and a second day, Jed gave Jethro his long, long, long, long talk. Things a young man his age ought to know, how someone his age just ought to act, things that somehow his age shouldn't do, and illusions that nobody of no age should hold.
By the start of the third night, Jed was hoarse and fit to burst from the gallons of coffee he drank. As for Jethro, he felt very low and very humbled indeed.
However, at long last the long postponed long talk came to its end.
"It ain't what you have" said Jed, in way of parting. "It's what you make out of what you've been given. Now, you ain't been given much in the way of gumption, but you've always been strong as a mule and willing to lend a hand to kith, kin or friend who's needed it. Now that you know better not to put on airs, maybe you'll be keen enough to dodge the worst of you're old shortcomings."
"Yes, Uncle Jed" said Jethro, in as miserable a monotone as can be imagined. "Thank you, Uncle Jed."
Jed went downstairs to the kitchen, to find Granny, Pearl and Miss Hathaway waiting for him at the table.
"It's all over, Granny" said Jed hoarsely. "I've had the talk, and I've pounded as much sense into Jethro as I could. The boy knows he was wrong and he knows the right way ahead."
"Praise be" said Granny. "It was awfully tough medicine, but in the time ahead he'll be grateful for it."
"I suppose so" said Pearl, somewhat doubtfully. "His feelings must have been hurt awfully."
"How is he feeling?" asked Miss Hathaway.
"He's feeling lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut" said Jed solemnly.
"The wool's been pulled from his eyes" observed Pearl.
"And he don't like what he sees" finished Granny. "And I don't like what I hear, Jed. I'm gonna make you some dandelion tea with honey for that sore throat of yours."
After Jed drank his tea, he had some words for the women.
"Thank you, Granny" said Jed. "I'm off to bed. I'll just let you you, Pearl and Miss Jane work on your matchmaking. Mind, I don't usually like your style of pushy matchmaking Granny."
"Why, whatever do you mean?" Granny asked in a tone of affected innocence.
"You know what I mean" said Jed. "But I figure in this case it's best for all involved. Let's hope it takes."
After Jed retired, Granny and Pearl got to work.
"Now, Miss Jane" said Pearl "Jethro's feeling very low, but his mind is very clear. Now's your chance. You've got yourself gussied up, so go up there and get him."
"Wait, there's one more thing that'll get Jethro good!" said Granny. "Given the special occasion, I let Pearl give me a hand!"
The two women went to the oven and the stove top and retrieved a veritable feast.
"Bring Jethro all this and you've got it made!" said Granny.
Granny and Pearl helped carry the food upstairs, but it was Miss Hathaway alone who went into Jethro's room staggering under the weight of the heaping tray of mountain cooking.
"Jethro" said Miss Hathaway. "Look what I've gotten for you, dear boy! All your favourite foods!"
Jethro had been glumly staring into space, thinking. He turned to look at Miss Hathaway, placing a tray on the stand next to his bed. Possum shanks, hominy grits and sweet potato pie.
"Thanks, Miss Jane" said Jethro woefully. "But I ain't so hungry right now."
That statement physically staggered Miss Hathaway. It also staggered Granny and Pearl, who had taken up their accustomed positions eavesdropping outside the door.
"It's the talk that done it!" observed Granny.
"My poor baby!" lamented Pearl.
"Oh, he'll be alright" said Granny, shushing Pearl. "Let's listen."
"If that's truly the case" Miss Hathaway told Jethro, "then the infernal regions must certainly be experiencing a cold snap to equal the effects of the strongest Arctic vortex!"
"Huh?" said Jethro.
"Never mind' said Miss Hathaway, taking a chair and sitting beside Jethro's bed. "You're certainly not hurt."
"Not my arm" said Jethro. "If that's what you mean. But, inside-like. Jed's finally had his long talk with me. And you know what I found out? That all these years, these years I've been boasting that I have a giant brain, that I'm a Beverly Hills playboy?"
"What about them?" said Miss Hathaway, though she knew the answer.
"I ain't" said Jethro, in a voice so pained it touched her heart. "All this time I've been a big, dumb hick without a lick of sense. "Worse, I've been going around bragging about how smart I was, I sophisticated I were, when I ain't never been nothing of the sort!"
"It could be trying at times" said Miss Hathaway.
"I guess you were just being nice to me, not telling me off?" Jethro asked.
"We seldom like to hurt those of whom we are inordinately fond" replied Miss Hathaway softly.
"Those of whom . . . ." repeated Jethro. "I guess you mean people you like."
"Yes" said Miss Hathaway. "I do."
It was odd, but something inside her told Miss Hathaway to keep her answer atypically simple.
"I guess I've forgotten that" said Jethro, ruefully. "Going around calling everybody hayseeds. Taking airs. When a smart, sophisticated city women like you was being kind, helpful, friendly, nice . . . ."
Jethro stopped, and looked at Miss Hathaway. Here she was, nice, plain Miss Hathaway. Always friend to him and his kin, or so it seemed. To him, maybe, just maybe, she was something more. She always wanted to be something more. Nice, plain Miss Jane. A city women. A nice, sophisticated city woman, in love with him! Him, Jethro Bodine. A women who had always been keen on being at his side, helping him, ignoring years of his stupidities, just loving his company. Nice, plain Miss Hathaway, who he hadn't given a second look at all these long years.
Plain Miss Jane? Was she really all that plain? Suddenly, she looked far more attractive With her hair and gussied up, and that fancy dress she didn't look so bad. Almost like them flappers in the movies shown at the Oxford Theatre. Back where his mother used to play the piano back home. (4) And, then, like a lightning bolt, it hit him.
"And very beautiful" said Jethro in a suddenly very different tone.
"Oh, Jethro" said Miss Hathaway, all of a sudden giving a giddy laugh.
"Gosh" said Jethro, "I never realized lucky I was to have a girl like you so happy to be with be."
"Because I like you" said Miss Hathaway, again with unaccustomed simplicity. "A . . . a . . . . a good deal."
"Do you love me!" demanded Jethro excitedly.
"Well" said Miss Hathaway, demurring.
"Come on, Miss Jane!" asked Jethro. "Answer!"
"Well, yes" said Miss Hathaway. "For years!"
"And I love you!" said Jethro enthusiastically. "All these years I were too dumb to see it, but I love you Miss Hathaway!"
With that, and without thinking, he gave Miss Hathaway an energetic kiss. The kiss endured longer than either of them anticipated, and ended up being far more romantic than either would have ever expected.
"Miss Jane" said Jethro, leaving the bed and kneeling awkwardly.
"Just Jane" said Jane.
"Jane . . . it's simple, but beautiful . . . will you take this dumb old hick who's been blind all these long years . . . to be your lawful wedded husband!"
"Oh, I do" said Jane. "I do! You've made me the happiest girl in the world!"
They kissed again.
A few seconds later, Pearl and Granny barely avoided the indignity of falling through the suddenly opened door.
"Hot diggitty dog!" said Jethro, with Miss Jane in his arm. "Guess what Ma! Guess what Granny!"
"What?" the two of them said coyly.
"We's engaged!" announced Jethro, with gusto.
"And you have my blessings!" said Granny, wiping her eyes. "I'm so happy to see my baby married.
"You have my blessings!" said Pearl, forcefully. "Jethro's my baby after all!"
"Come on" said Jethro. "Let's celebrate!"
"Oh, lets' said Miss Hathaway, again with a giddy laugh. "What shall we do?"
"Well" said Jethro. "Let's start by eating all the vittles back in the room there!"
"The more things change, the more they stay the same" observed Granny laconically, as she followed the others inside.
Notes
(1) In the earlier seasons, Jed has high praise for Jethro's education. In later years, Jed's reaction to Jethro's behaviour says quite a lot about how Jed views Jethro's pretensions at being a genius and a sophisticated Hollywood playboy.
(2) In later years, Jethro threw out the claim he was an international jetsetter. He even brought up Princess Grace and Prince "Reindeer" (that is, Rainier) of Monaco.
(3) A few examples of Jethro in action through the course of the series.
(4) "Jed Rescues Pearl"
* Three more chapters. I decided to add an extra chapter.
