Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.
Chapter 12
In my Time of Need
Shinji kept eye contact. Anyone who had met the young boy would know that the former pilot was not a confrontational individual, even at his most rebellious Shinji Ikari was a sweet and kind soul, some might even call the boy spineless but to him the happiness of other took priority over his own. If there was some kind of conflict on the horizon he would be the first to step back, if someone yelled at him he would apologize, if the boy had something to say that might sound even the slightest bit controversial he would do so while averting his eyes. Not this time, though.
"Yes, why didn't you… Misato-san?" his voice was heavy, not with anger, if it were anger Misato would feel bad, but she could still take the boy's anger. No, the weight behind Shinji's voice came not from anger, but from the overwhelming sense of betrayal he was feeling.
The familiar sound of rain hitting against the windows and walls permeated the apartment. The downpour began as if called forth by Shinji's own emotions.
"..." she gulped down hard, finding her mouth had dried up.
Talking had become harder than ever before and she now wished she could hide. Make them forget. She wished they had known from her. Fate, however, had different plans and now the Major found herself incapable of speaking in the face of her betrayed wards.
"So, tell us all about it." Asuka said oblivious to the rather tense atmosphere between the older woman and Shinji as she seemed far too distracted at the prospect of piloting again "The man on TV wasn't too specific about it."
Misato bit her lip and cursed her luck. A leak from Damoncles had caused this, it would seem. The situation was problematic enough for her as it was, but if the entire world was now aware of the redeployment of the Evangelions things were about to get serious.
"I..." she tried again to regain some composure but found that with Shinji's deep blue eyes fixated on her she wasn't capable of such a feat. Instead Misato decided to come clean. She would share all she knew and hope both her wards would understand. It was time to come clean, her attempts at shielding Shinji had, again, only caused him pain, and in the long run, damaged their relationship "I want you to understand, I didn't know of this myself until very recently. I heavily opposed the notion… I'm sorry, I know it's unfair, I know you are feeling betrayed, and by all means you have every right to feel that way, but… there is no other way."
"Why would I feel betrayed?" the redhead chimed in "But I thought the Angels were gone, did something new happen?"
"..." Shinji remained silent, his eyes were on Misato but she felt like he was looking past her, past Tokyo 3, he was somewhere only he could ever reach.
"Asuka, I know piloting has always been a source of pride and drive for you but now you're..." Misato bit back her words but found that the damage had been done.
"Go on! You meant that I'm a cripple didn't you?" Asuka glared at the older woman "I'm no longer a viable pilot is that it? Not capable of anything useful with my crippled arm. Better take the invincible idiot then, he's the one for the job."
The redhead's demeanor seemed to shift from excited and curious to offended and on the verge of one of her outbursts. She was as stubborn as always and despite being one of the smartest girls her age, Asuka often had issues differentiating when someone was caring for her from when someone was belittling her.
"Asuka, you could die!" Misato yelled out now more irritated at Asuka's stubbornness than anything else "You-"
"Is this why you decided to try and adopt us? Why Doctor Akagi is adopting Rei?" Misato was cut off by the question she had been dreading.
Shinji seemed to be back from wherever it was he had escaped to. Asuka seemed a bit surprised at the question herself but remained quiet so that the Major could answer.
Misato knew what it looked like, no matter what she would say she knew they, well at least Shinji, wouldn't believe her. The boy had been used and abused all his life, by his father, by Misato and NERV itself… It was only natural for him to be distrustful.
"No..." her voice was cracking, she felt herself weaken "Well, in Ritsuko's case yes… But I had not even heard of this before… I wanted us to be a family… That's all I wanted…"
'I wanted to care for you both, give you the attention and care you deserve… Not send you off to war again. Not after I already did so before for my own personal vendetta!' Misato thought somberly.
Asuka, now decidedly aware of the tension in the air displayed a rare show of self restraint from her part and remained quiet, her eyes traveling between Misato and Shinji. Misato cursed the redhead's sudden mature behavior, one of Asuka's outbursts to be the center of the attention would be welcomed right now as the major felt her chest tighten around her heart.
"Of course." the lavender haired woman knew all too well what the tone in his voice meant "I will always be an EVA pilot…"
"Shinji-kun…" she reached out for him. If only she could just reach him, if she could hold him maybe she could try to hold together the pieces of his broken heart… But she could not, life is sometimes too cruel.
Shinji politely excused himself and made his way outside of the apartment and into the rain, not waiting for a response. Misato's arm was left outstretched trying to reach a boy who was no longer there, a boy who might never return.
Silence ruled the apartment. For the major it ruled her entire world. She had forced him into the war machine and sent the willing redhead so many times before, every time she did so she had an excuse, an explanation as to why it was necessary. Maybe now, more than ever, it was necessary to have the children carry the infinitely heavy burden of the world… But for the first time, Misato Katsuragi couldn't do it.
"The idiot might not want to," Asuka started shattering the silence that had engulfed the apartment "But I am ready to go anytime. Tell me what I need to know."
Misato sighed loudly. There was no point in dwelling on it. No matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, Misato was not the boy's mother and even though she truly wish for that to change, both for her and for him… After the events of the day she would understand if he did not wish to return to her. She was a terrible guardian and had sent the boy to his death more often than she had showed him true affection. Maybe she was still more broken than she was willing to admit to herself.
"I'm sorry, Asuka." the redhead began prattling on once more about how she could pilot but Misato didn't care for the girl's ego at that moment.
"Tomorrow I'll tell you everything." her voice did not feel like her own, it sounded so tired she could barely recognize it as her own voice "Grab some money from my purse and order food in, whatever Shinji-kun was making must be burnt by now… I'm exhausted."
Ignoring the German girl's loud protests, Misato made her way to her room. She tossed her clothes haphazardly on the floor and allowed her tired, bare body to hit the futon. Maybe in her sleep life wouldn't be so miserable.
xxx
Most journalists had covered war stories in their life time. The post Second Impact world was, in some less fortunate areas of the world, still to this day a war zone. Flooded countries, starvation and death were still not a thing to the past. At times like these some would wonder why the world's funds were being spent on rebuilding the super sized war machines known as the Evangelions now that the fantastical enemies of mankind were gone. Most importantly, why were the former NERV personnel in charge of things when it was now public knowledge that the JSSDF had to send military forces to deal with a rogue faction within that organisation.
Those were the questions Commander Fuyutsuki Kozo had promised an answer to at the press conference that was being held at the Damoncles fortress. Droves of Journalists from the entire world assembled and waited impatiently for the old man to show.
The conference room was packed, if one more journalist was granted entry, people would begin to suffocate. The stage where the old commander was set to make his press release was imposing at best. Towering over most of the room the podium was a dark shade of blue with a golden trim, at its center a golden winged horse with a large sword behind it marked the podium as Damoncles property.
Fuyutsuki observed the large crowd gathered ready to shower him in questions. The conference room was packed, it was hard to hear anything inside as everyone seemed to be holding a conversation.
"Ready?" Doctor Akagi Ritsuko asked as she handed the older man his notes.
"To some extent I miss NERV." he said with a tired sigh.
"The backstabbing, immorality and plotting to end the world part? Or just not having to explain anything to any news outlet?" the bottle blonde attempted to joke.
"Hilarious, doctor." Fuyutsuki answered as he began moving towards the podium.
As the older man made his appearance the already noisy room sprung to life, before he had a chance to reach the podium the noise was so great that Fuyutsuki could swear he was going to go deaf before he said anything. Finally reaching the podium he raised his hand in an attempt to quiet the room. It took a few seconds but eventually the crowd of hungry journalists calmed down enough.
"Good afternoon." Fuyutsuki greeted his many guests, hoping they would allow him to continue before the questions started "I trust you all are aware of the reason behind this press conference. You were all granted entry to the United Nations' Sea Fortress, Damoncles so I could answer your questions and make a statement regarding the current state of affairs regarding the Evangelions."
The room remained quiet despite the old professor's words. Many of the journalists began writing down notes on their pads. Thankful for the silence, Fuyutsuki continued.
"As I am sure most of you already know, NERV disbanded following the traitorous actions of a rogue faction within the organisation that plotted to appropriate itself of the Evangelions and their pilots." the man read the script that had been handed to him rather monotonously "Facing this threat the Japanese government deployed the Japanese Strategic Self Defense Force to the Geofront and regained control of NERV installations at a heavy cost of human life. During the following days the Japanese government discovered the true identity of the entity behind the rogue faction that managed to hijack NERV. Most of the members of the group named SEELE were apprehended and are now in custody of the Japanese government. Innocent NERV employees were reassigned to Damoncles and the Evangelions were then readied for decommissioning."
Many of the journalists seemed rather bored and ready to break the silent truce to bombard old commander with questions as the script for the cover up he had been given was not particularly new to them.
"During the arrests however," he continued before giving the reporters a chance to start asking questions "A data bank came into the government's possession. Utilizing NERV's super computers, the MAGI, we were able to retrieve information regarding SEELE's true intents. Now, the information held in this data bank is confidential and I will, obviously, not be releasing it. However, what am at liberty to say is that the Angel threat that NERV dealt with is not yet over, and as such the Evangelions were reassigned for repair."
Fuyutsuki took a large breath and readied himself.
"I will now be taking questions." he said triggering a thunder like sound from the explosion of questions being directed at him "One at a time."
The crowd of journalist took quite a while to organize itself, something Fuyutsuki was thankful for, the more time he was granted before being questioned the better.
"What do you mean the Angel threat is not over?" one of the journalists wearing a black fedora asked "NERV explicitly stated that-"
"The information that NERV had at its disposable was filtered by SEELE and always limited, we never lied, we just did not have all the information. You must understand the Angel threat was, until very recently, a guarded secret. SEELE possessed information we did not, even they do not comprehend the origin or reasons behind that mess." the older man lied.
"The North American, German and all other branches of NERV were shut down and every participant was put under investigation." one European looking journalist said "The right to hold the war machines designated as Evangelions was revoked and granted only to Japan… Should other countries not feel threatened by Japan's monopoly of these mass destruction weapons? Why is it that the Japanese Branch got off so easily after the whole mess that occurred at the Geofront? And do you have any comments regarding the butchered Eva MP Series found at the base of the Geofront?"
Fuyutsuki sighed. This was going to be a very long day if every single question was as complex as the ones that were being posed to him.
xxx
How many hours had it been? He did not know. All the young, blue eyed boy knew was that he was drenched to the bone. More than that, however, he was numb. He could not feel the water splashing on his skin, yet he did know he was soaking. His mind was racing and still at the same time, unsure of how to feel or just unable to comprehend his current situation.
Shinji looked up to the grey clouds in the sky. He did not know where he was, all he did know was his legs had brought him there. He was not unfamiliar with aimless wandering, but he only did it during his most desperate times.
Despair.
That's what it was. It had been a while.
How could he have let himself be fooled again? Just like with his father, just like with everyone else before him. He wasn't wanted and he was a fool for allowing himself to be tricked into believing he was. Who would care for him? He was, after all, just an Eva pilot. That's all he was and as long as he was useful he would be kept near with promises of affection, but only until he outlived his usefulness.
His feelings had been betrayed once more. His will for a family, a mother figure who would care for him… He was no good. How could he have allowed himself to be such a fool again?
Guilt and pain. These were emotions Shinji learned to live with, love and affection were alien terms, yet ones he desperately yearned for… It seemed like this time maybe things could have been different, Misato wasn't perfect, he had seen the cracks in her armor and they were far from small, she might even be as broken as he was and that was probably why he thought she would understand, why she might have been honest.
What a stupid premise. How could she? No one understood him. Shinji was as alien to others as love and affection were to him.
'I'm… I'm so fucked up.'
The familiar click of his SDAT Player reaching the end of the cassette brought Shinji back to reality.
'I know where I am…' he thought as he realized where his feet had led him to.
In front of the boy stood a decrepit looking building in one of the city's most decrepit locations. It looked dirty and ready to be thorn down. Why was he here? He did not know.
xxx
Asuka had left not too long after Misato had vanished into her room. Seemed like she was sulking over the idiot… It was always about him… Oddly enough, the thought did not bring anger to the redhead. She had come to terms with her situation. She would always be in the background, fated to be abandoned and forgotten, he was the better pilot, he was the better person.
Even after receiving a second chance. Even after being given the chance to correct her mistakes… She needed to take advantage of it. No one would stay with her if she was not the best, no one would want to.
What meaning would her life hold if she could not be the best pilot? No one would care if she was not the best. She had to be. She would do her best this time. She would grab the spotlight and never let go! She would be showered in compliments, people would do anything to be around her…
She would not allow herself to be forgotten. She could not.
'Uh?' Asuka looked over to her hand and saw that she had reopened the cut on her hand 'You're no damn good… It would have been better if you had just been cut off.'
She would stay. She would pilot again and everyone would stay by her side, she would be praised. Even the idiot would do it, if she could be the best… Then people would care…
"Asuka?" the redhead looked back and saw the class representative carrying a bag of groceries "What are you doing out alone? It's almost time for dinner."
Asuka inhaled and relaxed a bit.
"Misato's lazy ass is wasted and the idiot didn't want to cook dinner today so I came out to eat alone." she declared stressing the word 'lazy' "Want to eat with me? I'm paying."
"Oh…" Horaki began deflating Asuka's hopes "Well… I have to go home, my parents and sister had to go to Hokkaido and my little sister is alone."
The girl noticed Asuka's hand and she hid it behind her back attempting to draw attention away from her she told Hikari it was her loss.
"B-but, why don't you join me for dinner at my home?" the brunette suggested "You can bandage your hand again there..."
The redhead gave up on hiding her injured hand and nodded. A home made meal would be better than any fast food joint she could hit up with the money she had and Hikari had become something akin to a close friend to Asuka, unlike most other people the girl knew greatness when she saw it.
"Maybe you can tell me what is wrong with your hand?" the girl asked tentatively.
"Maybe." Asuka lied "What's on the menu?"
Hikari giggle and told the German girl she only had chicken Yakisoba to which Asuka's foul mood evaporated. Japanese found could be odd but if there was one thing she felt somewhat resembled Western food to some degree it was Yakisoba.
On their way over to the brunette's house Asuka volunteered to help the girl with the groceries, she wasn't about to eat or free. Both girl made their way to the Hooraki residence while the class representative bored Asuka with some questions about the latest batch of homework.
Despite the cheerfulness Hikari always displayed, Asuka knew the girl was not as happy as some would be led to believe, the redhead still tried to tiptoe around some subjects like boys. She knew the class representative had a crush on the class oaf before he was killed during the test activation of Unit 03. They never talked about it and the Japanese girl seemed to want to keep it that way so Asuka never really pressed her to open up.
The class rep's home was nothing too special it was a small home in the middle of a very average neighborhood. It fitted the girl to some extent.
"Make yourself at home." Asuka walked in and was immediately welcomed by the voice of a small girl.
"Nozomi-chan, this is Asuka-chan." Hikari introduced her little sister to the fiery German girl.
"Hi!" the small girl greeted enthusiastically "I'm Hikari Nozomi! It is nice to meet you."
"Hi, Nozomi-chan." Asuka greeted "I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I'm your sister's friend."
Asuka took a quick liking to the younger girl, similarly to her older sister the young Hikari seemed to really like the German girl as well. Even going o far as to tell Asuka she wished she had hair as pretty as hers.
By dinner time Asuka already had the young girl on her lap and was getting along with her surprisingly well. She had never been too big on children as they seemed to always be extremely obnoxious and disrespectful, but the young girl was not like most kids Asuka had met.
After a pleasant meal Hikari put her younger sister to bed and began taking care of the dishes. Asuka enjoyed both the meal and company but the brunette girl was by far an amateur when she compared her cooking to Shinji's.
"She's a cute kid." Asuka mentioned offhandedly as Hikari washed the dishes.
"She is, she got the good looks from my mom and is polite too, I'm a bit jealous at times." the brunette said as she continued to wash the dishes not looking back at the redhead "So, want to share what is wrong with your right arm now, Asuka?"
Asuka who had been sitting at the table resting her face on her hand sighed loudly. She didn't want to show her weakness specially one as her arm.
"I've been watching you." Asuka kept listening without saying a word "You hit your arm often against tables or walls, sometimes you nearly drop things, others you crumple papers and break softer things… When I tried tapping you on the shoulder to call you, you didn't even realize I was there…"
Was it that noticeable? It couldn't be that bad… Asuka gritted her teeth. What gave the girl the right to look so intently at her, searching for her weakness? She would have to pay closer attention to her arm, it wouldn't do to look like an oaf.
"Don't take it the wrong way, I'm your friend and I worry for you..." she said as she finished cleaning a cup and put it down to dry "When you… I was afraid. You were gone and the TV was talking about military warfare at the Geofront. I was afraid that, like Toji, you would..."
The freckled girl turned around and looked the redhead straight in the eye.
"I wouldn't be able to take it..." she said tears beginning to escape her "I-I don't want to lose anyone else! I saw the news… Are you going to pilot again?"
"I have to." was Asuka's only answer.
"No, you don't!" Hikari argued between sobs "Why? Why don't you just let someone else do it? Let Ikari do it, he's-"
Asuka got up in such a hurry her clumsy right arm threw the cup of water next to her on the floor, though her rage had rendered her deaf to the sound of glass impacting on the floor. She was livid. Let the idiot do it? Again? No. Did Hikari think so little of her? The girl who once worshiped Asuka's looks and smarts was now looking down on her, putting the idiot over her, like everyone else, her blood was boiling.
"A-Asuka…" Hikari pleaded but it was too late "Please wait, I'm sorry I didn't-"
'I'll show her, I'll show him… I'll show them all!' the redhead thought as she stormed off unceremoniously.
"Asuka…" the class rep sighed.
xxx
Rei got up from her bed where she had been previously resting and made her way to the kitchen.
Lately her evenings had become increasingly dull, she never considered how her life would be because since Rei was young she had been conditioned to the idea that her life had a set expiration date. As such the albino never truly partook in any time consuming activities, she would spend her time at NERV or otherwise resting. This was not an exciting routine but it was hers and it fit her duties well enough.
Thing, however, did not go according to Commander Ikari's scenario. Thing would never go according to the Commander's scenario. Even if the events of that day had not come to fruition, Rei would not have allowed the scenario to happen, her developing bonds with Shinji had made her appreciate her existence far more than she ever considered possible on her own. She was fully prepared to die that day, but thanks to the events put into motion by the hand of fate, the albino girl was spared.
"Shinji-kun…" her soft voice almost echoed through her neglected apartment.
Just mentioning his name brought a feeling of warmth to her chest. He was the root of all the strange feelings she had been experiencing. It was him that showed Rei care and affection the likes of which she had never experienced. It was also him who gave Rei second thoughts about the scenario set in place by the Commander.
He was unique, unlike anyone else… But he was not like the Commander either who was unique in his own way. He was his own person and a complete mystery to Rei Ayanami. He would suffer silently putting everyone else's happiness above his own.
Rei could not fully comprehend the blue eyed boy, but she connected with him at a fundamental level. Words were, to Rei Ayanami, an obstacle more than anything else, but with Shinji she found that he did not demand verbal communication from her, he was infinitely more comfortable indulging in a comfortable silence with her. He would not challenge orders, much like Rei herself, but when the time came the young man had ignored everyone, the Commander included, and rushed to her rescue… Rei did not know how, but he was weak and at the same time so incredibly strong.
No matter how hard she thought about him, to her, Shinji Ikari was an unsolvable mystery. But he was not an unpleasant mystery, her mind would always wander to him. This had become more true as of late.
It was also thanks to his presence that Rei found herself more and more bored of her long time routine… It no longer satisfied her. The boy had introduced to her to the comfort of his company and a multitude of pleasant and wondrous emotions that she could not fit into words even if she desired to do so.
The albino girl grabbed a glass of water and was about to return to bed. Maybe a book would distract her mind and ease the passing of time.
*BZZT* the sound nearly startled Rei. She had almost forgotten the sound the doorbell made.
She walked calmly to the door questioning who who it might be. She was not a target of frequent visitors, the fact that it was so late and at the same time there was heavy rain falling outside only made her more curious.
The albino girl grabbed a hold of the doorknob and opened the door to the sight of a drenched Shinji Ikari standing in the rain staring into the distance of her apartment.
"Shin-" her eyes widened as Shinji made his way towards her and embraced her.
Rei just stood there with the boy resting his head on her shoulder and with his arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her body close to his.
She did not know what she was supposed to do or say, the only thing she knew was that the embrace, while cold and wet, was the most comfortable she had ever felt.
Time seemed to stand still, the rain stopped, the boredom that had plagued her earlier was vanquished and for the first time, Rei Ayanami felt content, truly content.
After what seemed like a lifetime Shinji relaxed his hold on the albino girl. Would he let go?
She did not wish for the moment to pass.
Rei finally moved and wrapped her own arms around Shinji's cold, wet body, pulling him back into her. He responded by holding her tight once more.
She closed her eyes, allowing the moment to engulf them.
Author's Notes: Hello, dearest reader. Welcome to the end of this chapter.
I really did try my best to make this chapter feel emotional, I hope it came across like that to some extent.
Turns out last chapter I told a little white lie. This chapter there was no real development on the Evangelion/Angels side of the plot, for that I apologize. I just felt like it would take away from the emotional chapter I wanted to deliver.
Don't forget to leave a review with your thoughts and some criticism if you find something that could be improved. I greatly appreciate all input.
