Chapter 12 – Giving Up
BPOV
I was dressed in Damon's ridiculous selection. He sent me a pink and fuchsia dress, with a satin front and a floral sheer exterior to a fuchsia skirt. I've detested pink since I was younger. I was a very willful child. My parents never bought me anything in pink after the fit I had when I was seven years old. "I'm not a dolly, Mommy. I don't like pink!" Waiting for her to get angry, she only laughed. She smiled, "All right, Bella." The memory almost made me feel better, but it wasn't enough.
Along with the ridiculous dress, there was a long black thin feather to pin into one of the braids and deep pink satin gloves that went above my elbows. My mother let me burrow her fuchsia shoes and dark color pantyhose to complete the ensemble. Lauren rubbed peppermint oil on my neck, knowing it was my favorite, "Try to enjoy yourself." She kissed my temple, trying not to wrinkle my clothes.
As I was putting on a shawl, the doorbell rang. Lauren went to answer it, as my mother put small studs in my ear, with a matching necklace. "You look beautiful." "I look my a doll, Mommy." She laughed at the memory. "Bella, Mr. Chambers is here," Lauren called. I shook my head and sighed, putting back on my engagement ring over my gloves. My mother took my hands, "No matter what, keep your head up. Never let anyone see you hanging it."
My mother and I walked down the stairs together. My fan was open, providing a light breeze. The summer air wafted into the house, promising a warm night, especially in this dress. "Bella, darling, you look beautiful," Damon held his hand out to me. I half smiled at him, "Thank you." I tried not to cringe as I took his hand. My illness was already creeping up from him calling me 'darling.' "I'll have her home, early, Chief Swan." My father smiled, "She's your fiancée. I'm not worried." Underneath my shawl, I balled my hand into a fist, clinching my nails into my palm. If I was stronger, the material would have ripped.
Arriving at the party, Damon took my hand and guided me into the hall. The street was lined with expensive automobiles, all top of the line. Women clung to their escorts, trying to outdo the others. Some looked at me as Damon and I walked in together. "So, the chief's daughter landed a man." My skin pricked with annoyance. This was a game to some. As Damon introduced me to his colleagues, I smiled sweetly, pretending. "Congratulations Chambers, she's splendid," one of his colleagues whispered to him.
If I was doomed to marry Damon, I would have to become a better actress and pretend I cared for him. Sitting at the table, one of the wives spoke with me. She said she saw me at the polo match and Damon had told her about me. She asked about my garden and any recommendation I may have for her. Slow music filled the room, making me almost sleepy. Lately, I hadn't been sleeping well. Every night, I had nightmares.I was in my garden, but it was more like a jungle. I was searching for something, while running away from a pursuer. The dream scared me, because I knew what it meant. I was looking for Edward, while running away from Damon.
The evening went on and I continued to speak to the kind woman. Like I did at dinner with Damon a few weeks ago, I stabbed myself with a fork. This time, I did it with such force, making myself wince. Damon asked me to dance and I had to accept. As we danced, I didn't look at him. I pretended I was dancing with Edward. The evening went on, bringing it closer to the end. As we sat at our table, Damon held my hand while he spoke to colleagues and friends. The waiter came around asking for everyone's order. "We'll have the lamb, rare, with mint sauce." Damon looked at me, "You like lamb, don't you, dear?" I smiled and nodded quietly. What's next, he's going to cut my meat for me?
My eyes glanced around the room at the people who were looking at me. Some smiled approvingly, while others narrowed their eyes. I opened my fan, fluttering it across my face, meeting the eyes of those who weren't so kind. I may not have wanted this, but I wasn't going to show weakness, like my mother told me. The hand Damon was holding clinched a bit as I stared down one woman, with fiery red hair. Her hazel eyes looked back, daring me to back down. Damon saw me and tugged at my hand. The air was charged with our anger.
My eyes tore away from the woman. I was getting angrier by the minute. The thought of spilling water on her tulle skirt played through my mind. "Don't concern yourself with her, sweetheart. She's just jealous." I pursed my lips, as if to hold back the bile and nodded, "I'm not concerned about her. I just don't show weakness."
Damon chuckled and his arm draped over my shoulders, "I know you don't." He kissed my cheek, very close to the corner of my mouth, "That's what I love about you." Goosebumps rose on my skin, but it wasn't good. The natural reaction was the same as feeling a blistering cold breeze; it wasn't a good reaction. The woman looked at me again and I raised an eyebrow. She pursed her lips and looked away again. I spent the evening avoiding her eyes and thought about dousing her with more water, curious to see the red dye drip out of her hair.
On the afternoon of the engagement party, I hid in my room. I just wanted to escape. If only, I would take Honey and run. But that wasn't who I was. One thing I gained from my father, I wasn't a coward. I wouldn't run away from my problems, I'd face them. While sitting at my window, I watched as the guests arrived, including Damon's mother, whom I met two days ago with my parents. My stomach twisted and I couldn't hold back from crying.
Huge tears streamed down my face. The only thing that made me remotely glad was seeing Ms. Elizabeth. She came to help, but I believed she wanted to see how I was. Edward and I were hardly together since he returned from Chicago.
This was becoming too real. I was marrying Damon and Edward was leaving. I missed Edward so much, but I understood why he wouldn't want to come over as much. "Bella?" Lauren opened the door, "you have a letter from the University of Chicago." I jumped up, wiping away my tears and held out my hand for the letter.I never told anyone, but when Edward told me that he was going to the University of Chicago, I applied there as well.
My hands trembled as they tore away the envelope. It was an acceptance letter. I smiled widely, but it faltered. I got into another college, but I wouldn't be able to go. I showed Lauren the letter, "I got in," I said in a lax voice, "And I've earned another scholarship." Lauren hugged me, "That's wonderful. Congratulations, I'm so proud of you." She kissed my forehead. The congratulations meant little, if I couldn't move ahead with route. I sighed, "Yes, except I won't be able to go."
She sighed, lowering the letter down, "Please, take this good news with you to get through the party." I laughed a hard laugh, "Good idea. I'll need all the good feelings I can muster to get through this evening." I put my letter away in my vanity drawer and went with Lauren to endure the party. My mother suggested I wore my ice blue dress. She said it was the most beautiful dress I owned. Passing through the living room, I smiled at everyone's congratulations and gratitude.
On the veranda, Ms. Elizabeth with Edward were talking, their heads were close together. They looked towards me and smiled brightly. Edward looked very handsome in his suit. I had all but forgotten about Ms. Elizabeth when she said my name. I hugged her, anxious to get to Edward, "Thank you so much for coming." With them here, made the evening a bit more bearable. She laughed and kissed my cheek, "We wouldn't miss this for the world." I looked up at Edward and he smiled at me, "Bella, you look beautiful."
I smiled at him, wishing I couldn't spend the rest of the party with him. "Yes, she does." My smile fell as I looked back to Damon, who was walking with his mother. "My dear sweet daughter-in-law," Mrs. Chambers hugged me. "It's wonderful to see you again. Perhaps later, you and I can take a stroll through your garden." Damon kissed my forehead and took my hand, "Edward and Mrs. Masen, thank you for coming."
I looked at them and they smiled, "Of course," Ms. Elizabeth thanked him, "And again, congratulations." Edward was silent for a moment, until I noticed his arm was nudged backwards, most likely by his mother. He smiled, "Yes, you have a lovely fiancée." I knew Edward enough to know that this was his fake smile. Damon chuckled, "Yes, I do. Please enjoy the party. Bella, darling, there are some people who want to meet you."
Damon kept me close, my hand locked around his arm. He took the majority of the dances for the evening. Eventually, he went to dance with his mother and I stood to the side, hidden slightly in the dark. After their dance, Mrs. Chambers and I took our walk through the garden. She held my hand, "Bella, do you know what I feared most?" My shoulders shrugged, "Another war?" She tipped her head to the side, "That and ugly grandchildren. But I'm not worried anymore. You are lovely," she touched her fingertips beneath my chin. "Damon wants a son, but I would love a girl. He tells me you're a wonderful cook, but you mustn't cook with pepper."
She went on and on about her son and what I should do for him. I had to get out of this conversation and party. There must be something I could do. An idea came to me, but I would have to work fast. Leaving the garden, Mrs. Chambers went to speak with my parents. Appearing to be absentminded, I took up a drink from the refreshment table. The taste of the alcohol was strong, tainting the taste of the drink.
I never had the stomach for alcohol, but I was about to enter an unwanted marriage, so I may have to develop a tolerance. My stomach convulsed as I chugged another strong drink. "Bella?" I turned and Edward was standing near me. Gulped back to the drink, "Edward." He looked at the glass in my hand. He nodded in recognition, "Would you like to dance?" he held out his hand. I smiled, wanting more than just one dance, "I would love to." Putting his hand on my waist, Edward and I turned on the dance floor. When I danced with him, all my troubles and worries disappeared, freeing me from my bonds. With Edward, I was me again.
Time flew by during our dance and I was just enjoying our close proximity. I wanted so much for us to whirl away into my garden and hide from the public eye, like we did before. "May I cut in?" my father's voice came from behind Edward. Turning back, Edward nodded and released me to my father. I closed my eyes as Edward walked away and I began to dance with Chief Swan. The tension was charged between us as he danced.
"What are you doing?" he scolded. His hand clinched mine. His face was turning red and his eyes were angry. "Dancing with a friend," I answered in a scathing voice, "You remember what that is, someone who cares about me and what I feel." He looked at me, "You will not embarrass us." I rolled my eyes and we didn't speak for the rest of the dance.
The party continued and I kept drinking more of the strong beverages. The liquor was burning my throat. My body was starting to feel warmer in the mid-summer evening. My head was beginning to spin, but I shook it off, taking another drink. I walked onto the veranda as I drank some water to soothe my burning throat. My mouth felt like a fire-breathing dragon's. Each breath burned and there was no relief.
While I stood on the veranda, Brittney came over. I took out my fan to cool away the perspiration. The alcohol was warming my body. "Bella, I'm worried about you." Had she seen what I was doing? "I cannot be your maid of honor if I know you're unhappy." I sighed, feeling the liquor burn my throat, "Brittney, it's nothing."
She sighed, "Bella, can I tell you something completely honest?" I nodded, trying to shake away the wooziness. It felt like something was pinching the back of my eyes. "The way you were with Edward just now," I looked at her, "That was the first time I've truly seen you smile since you told me about your engagement." I huffed, feeling another burn, "It was the first real thing I had to smile about." She looked over her shoulder, "I think you're in love with Edward."
My eyes widened, "What?" She smiled at me, "And I think he's in love with you." She shook her head, "Bella, forget what I told you. Live your life to make you happy, you only have one. Forget about being an extension of your family." She was speaking in a rush, "I know you and I believe you have the strength to stand on your own two feet. Not all women can do that. I'm not even sure if I can do that, but I know you can."
Brittney was always able to see into my in-most self. "Funny. I just got an acceptance letter to the University of Chicago." Brittney beamed a bright smile, "See. It's a sign. Bella, go." Her hands held my shoulders, "You and Edward will be at school together and you'll have what you want." My arm squeezed her in a hug, "Thank you, B.B. You truly are an amazing friend and you can stand on your own two feet too, when presented with the opportunity." She huffed a laugh and went to dance with her brother.
Taking another drink, I knew it would be my last. My stomach was flooded and I wanted to fall down. Walking along the side of the house, away from everyone, my head spun, making everything upside down. My body leaned against the house, trying to breathe deeply. It was no help. My vision was blurred and I didn't trust my own feet. Footsteps came from behind me, "Bella?" My head rose to see Edward coming towards me. My legs got weaker and the floor planks were getting closer, but suddenly stopped. Edward was holding me up, "Bella!"
My eyes rolled as the inebriation set in, "I…. don't feel….. good." Something pressed the skin of my forehead. The heat from Edward's body was making me hotter and woozier. Another set of footsteps came quicker. Two hands held my face as my head bobbed backwards, making me groan. "Edward, take her to her room. Take her through the front door. I'll get her parents." Lauren was gone in an instant and Edward had me up in his arms.
Cradled in his arms, Edward walked up the stairs, avoiding all of the guests. My head leaned against his head, listening to the sound of his heart. Couldn't he just carry me away from all this? My lips pursed tightly shut, praying that I didn't get sick. A door slammed into a wall, making a banging sound that blasted in my ears. My eyes popped from the sound. He laid me in my bed and closed the door.
Edward sat on the edge of the bed, "Bella, why were you drinking?" I looked up at him, playing up my illness. He saw right through me, or he could smell it. "I had to get out of the party. I couldn't take it anymore." Edward nodded, "Hmm." Looking at my door, then he leaned closer to me, "Do you have any mouthwash?" I made a face, "Yes. In my nightstand."
My hand pulled at the handle of the drawer, but he took my hand in his and opened the drawer for me. He took out the bottle and handed it to me. My eyes narrowed at him and he smiled his crooked smile, "You got sick and wanted to clean out your mouth." My fingers covered my lips, "It's that noticeable?" He nodded and laughed. Taking the bottle from him, I let the contents swirl in my mouth and went into my bathroom to spit it out. A towel was handed to me to dry my mouth.
Edward was standing by the bedroom door, holding it open. The sounds of footsteps thundered up the stairs as I sat back in bed, holding my head. The mouthwash set my mouth on fire, making me feel worse. I felt like I was on fire. My mother ran into the room, "Baby, what's wrong?" Playing it up, I groaned, "I don't know." My arm wrapped around my stomach, feeling the burn growing. My mother set me on my bed, when my father and Damon came into the room. Their eyes swept the room, as Edward stepped out of the bathroom. Ignoring Damon and Father, he handed something to my mother, "Thank you, honey."
She placed a cold cloth on my head. Drops of cold water slid down my neck. It felt good. My eyes opened, but my vision was distorted from the dripping water. Through the haze, my father actually looked concerned. Well, it was comforting to know that he did care about me. Lauren was whispering to my father, who was glaring at Edward.
Edward tried to slip out of the room, but my father stopped him, "Thank you, Edward." The alcohol must have been stronger than I thought. That was affecting my vision, not the water. My father was shaking Edward's hand. "Yes," Damon added, "thank you." He shook Edward's hand too. Edward nodded, "Of course."
Edward turned to leave, not before taking one last glimpse at me as he disappeared into the hallway.
