Fragments of Us
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Rating intended for later chapters.
Chapter 12 – Apologies & Understanding
Sirius climbed the stairs slowly, thinking about what he would say to Kate – if she agreed to speak to him. What kept coming back to him, however, was the look on her face in the library. 'I wouldn't betray you..' she had said and, in his heart, he knew that was true. He kept hurting her at every turn and he didn't know why it happened or how to stop. Sirius did know that Remus was right. If he didn't find a way to change his behavior, he would lose Kate. After all, she had only agreed to remain in the house for the immediate future. Christmas was only a few days away and in slightly more than a week after that, Harry would return to Hogwarts. When Harry left for school, Sirius was fully aware that Kate could also choose to leave Grimmauld Place – and him – and take up residence elsewhere. That was something Sirius knew he couldn't allow to happen.
Sirius reached Kate's door, took a deep breath and knocked softly. He heard a muffled sound on the other side of the door, but it remained closed. He knocked again after a moment.
"Yes?" Kate called through the door.
"Kate, it's me. May I come in?" Sirius asked.
After a moment, the door swung slowly inward. Sirius walked into the room and found Kate standing at the window on the opposite wall. "Kate?" he called to her quietly. She turned and Sirius was saddened to see traces of tears on her face.
"I don't want to argue with you, Sirius," Kate said from her place by the window.
"Neither do I," was the response. "I just want to talk with you."
Kate looked at Sirius for a long moment then nodded, sitting on the window seat as Sirius walked over and sat down beside her, folding his hands in his lap to try to still his fidgeting.
"First of all, I'm sorry for the things I said to you earlier. I was wrong. In my heart, I know that you would never tell Harry behind my back. I don't know why I said what I did; the moment it left my mouth, I wanted to take it back, but I couldn't. I can only apologize and ask you to forgive me," Sirius spoke quietly.
"Sirius, may I ask you something?" Kate asked him. At his nod, she continued, "Have you thought about why it's so important to you that Harry not know that I'm his Godmother?"
Sirius sighed. "I don't want to upset him by making him think that information was withheld from him. So many people have done that to the boy. I don't want him to go through it again."
Kate nodded. "I believe you, but I think there's more to it. I think that you don't want Harry to know about me because he might feel that you let him down – betrayed him – by not telling him about me earlier. And that's too closely connected to the betrayal you think you were responsible for that resulted in James's and Lily's deaths."
Sirius looked up at her, shaking his head. "What are you saying? That I would deliberately make you unhappy – not tell Harry the truth – just to preserve his opinion of me?"
Kate reached over and covered his hand with her own. "Perhaps not consciously, but yes – I believe that somewhere deep inside, you've made that decision."
Sirius looked out the window at the street below for several minutes, lost in thought. "I don't know, maybe you're right. If I want to be completely honest, I think I've probably been thinking some version of that same thing for awhile now. It hurts so much to know that I'll never be able to tell James and Lily that I didn't intentionally betray them. Maybe if I take care of Harry well enough I can start to make up for what I did to them."
"Sirius, you don't have anything to 'make up for'. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time. You were trying to find the absolute best solution to give the Potters the protection they needed. None of us saw Peter for what he was… none of us, including James and Lily. They could have said no to him as the Secret Keeper, Sirius, but they didn't. Don't look at me like that; I'm not blaming them for their own deaths – far from it. I'm just making a point: Peter did his job very well. We were all fooled. You betrayed no one." Kate said softly. "And I would never betray you. I meant it when I said that I don't agree with your decision, but I would never go behind your back and tell Harry on my own."
Sirius turned his palm upward and captured her hand in his. Looking deeply into her eyes, he said, "It's hard, this, isn't it?"
Kate nodded and brought her fingers around to clasp his hand more tightly. "It is. We know each other but we don't. It's like we're trying to pick up where we left off and we're not the same people anymore. It's harder than I thought it would be."
"Katie, I'm going to try very hard not to be that way anymore," Sirius said, earnestly. "I know I'm not going to be successful 100 of the time, but I'm going to do it better than I have been. You've been so patient; I don't want to be the cause of your tears anymore. Can you forgive me?"
"I believe you. And, yes, I forgive you," Kate said, simply. "Sirius, I meant it when I said that I can't even begin to imagine what life has been like for you over the past 12 years." She took a deep breath and continued. "But, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, talk to me about anything and I'll be here to listen. I won't judge you and I'll never think anything less of you – whatever it is."
Sirius looked out into the street again, but didn't let go of Kate's hand. "I think it's safe to say that you've seen some of the worst."
Kate reached over and brushed the backs of her fingers over his cheek. "What I've seen is a man who has suffered so much for so many years. I've seen a man who struggles against darkness during his waking hours, but who suffers for that struggle at night. What I saw the other night didn't cause me to think I'd seen the worst of you. Sirius, what I saw was the result of the worst that had been done to you." She reached down and gently grasped his chin and turned his face toward her. "Look at me," she whispered. "I don't think you're weak. I think you're incredibly strong."
Sirius' eyes filled and he reached out to her. "Katie," he whispered brokenly.
Kate embraced him tightly as his head dropped to her shoulder and a ragged breath escaped his mouth. She just held him, feeling the heat of his breath against her neck and the movement of his hand as it clutched her robes. After awhile, he moved and sat up. Kate reached over and smoothed her hand over is face, clearing it.
"I don't want us to be at odds with each other any more," Sirius said softly, reaching for her hand again. "Can we start again?"
Kate looked at the dark haired man before her. Despite everything that had happened, she knew that her life would not be complete without him. "Let's," she responded. "Maybe we'll do better this time 'round."
Sirius gave her a small smile. "We could hardly do worse," he said. He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on her cheek. "Shall we go downstairs for dinner before Molly sends a search party?"
Kate laughed softly. "Yes. I'm sure they're wondering what's become of us."
"Kate, wait a moment," Sirius spoke softly. "I know how badly you want Harry to know who you really are. No, please, just let me say this," he added as Kate attempted to interrupt him. "Would you be willing to wait until after Christmas? If we can just get through the next few days, I can face whatever reaction he has."
Kate leaned in and kissed his lips gently. "Thank you, Sirius. I can wait until then."
Sirius exhaled slowly, nodded and reached for the door. "Shall we?"
Kate smiled at him. As she passed, he leaned over and kissed her softly. When she looked back at him, he grinned. "I reckoned it was my turn," he said.
Her laughter rang down the hallway.
They were still smiling when they entered the kitchen, taking the last two seats at the table. Neither of them missed the relief on Remus' face…or the thoughtful look on Harry's.
