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Wednesday
Joshua Lyman Presidential Library – Virginia - 2031
It's an hour since we've buried Josh and Jamie and I have stood and shaken hands of dignitaries and guests. Jamie with Chris and John behind him were quick to take over a conversation that rambled on for too long and navigated us through the crowd and into the library. It's no surprise that I find my hand opening the door to the replica of Josh's Oval. I can still see him standing in the doorway with his mouth gaped open when we visited the library a week before it's official opening.
"Jeez Sam! This is so weird it's like it's the same but it's..."
"But it's too still, you kinda of expect to see the staff coming in and out."
"Yeah," Was all my husband with a 750 verbal score could add.
It's so eerie everything is just as we left the Oval Office on our last day, except on the right hand side of the office contains a display of photographs of Josh with various world leaders and celebrities. All of the other trappings of his Presidency are in his study at home. My hands linger over a silver framed photograph of Josh with a frail Jed Bartlet when Josh won his first election. The photograph that brings a fond smile to my face is one in a blue leather frame with the Presidential Seal. Taken by the White House Photographer; it's a touching moment of us together just before Josh first inauguration. Our foreheads are touching and there's only a sliver of daylight between us.
"You, still couldn't believe it! That they'd taken a leap of faith and elected you. Could you darlin'?" I say to the photograph as I remember his look of incredulity on election night.
November 2014 - Hilton Hotel - Election Night
"Somebody get me the Ohio numbers again!" I shout as I step back into the conference room of the hotel we've almost taken over with family and friends who want to be with us even on this momentous night.
I've spent half an hour on the phone with Josh's mother whose watching the night unfold with friends. She's unable to join us due to a heavy cold, I've been keeping her up to date, mainly on her son's demeanour which has fluctuated almost as much as the exit polls.
"They're not going to tell you anything new, Sam!" CJ exclaims.
The conference room that we're using as a campaign war room is a hive of activity, with a bank of televisions screens on one side, showing all the major news outlets. Various members of staff are avidly glued to the internet making sure nothing passes us by and in the middle of it all is the infamous white board. Despite many more high tech versions, Josh has insisted we stick with a white board and red and blue markers as it served us well during the Bartlet campaign. Toby is with Kelly, composing various speeches depending on the results and CJ, despite talking to me has a cell phone to each ear.
"I need to do something CJ!"
Nobody can quite understand what's come over me today. I've overheard comments about turning into Josh, but really I hate not knowing what's going to happen, and this could change our lives and it's driving me slightly crazy.
Right now it's too close to call as it has been for the six weeks leading up to election night and with neither party able to break ahead in the polls. The Electoral College may be faced with the nightmare of the possibility of recounts in several districts. Everyone looks exhausted, the experienced among us more so. The new staffers like Alex and Kelly are wide-eyed in the excitement of the evening and I remember the feeling well. I wonder where Josh has got to and I stupidly hope he's getting some rest or he'll look exhausted when he has to appear on TV, whatever the result. Now there are only two more states to declare and Ohio (it's always Ohio) that will determine who will occupy the White House.
"Sam!" Toby's voice rings out across the room and I see Kelly glare at him. Obviously he intends to ask my opinion on something in the speech which she will be against, feeling that I should have no say in the campaign. I manage to play referee for the next hour, although I think it's an attempt on Toby's part to distract me for trying to belay into the computers. Then, suddenly CJ points to the bank of TV screens.
"Here we go!"
I get up, my eyes not leaving the screens. Within seconds of the announcement I know I have to be the one to break the news to Josh. I tap my feet with impatience as I wait for the elevator to take me up to our suite and hope that he's not watching the TV. I nod at the agent guarding the door then stop in the doorway and smile at the sight of my husband sitting on the floor by the bed watching Jamie sleep, even though my son announced to a pool of journalists this morning that he was determined to stay up for the result. Josh's voice was horse from a final whistle stop tour of the swing states and his hands swollen from the multitude of hands he's shaken. By 10pm he was flagging and was ordered upstairs to rest.
"Josh," I speak quietly, not wanting to wake my son.
My husband looks over at Jamie once more before getting to his feet and walking over to me. "Did something happen?" He asks, the fatigue etched on his face. I wrap my arms around him, before pressing my lips to Josh's and kissing him sweetly on the lips. Pulling away I reply,
"You bet your ass it did, Mr President." I announce with a broad grin on my face.
"Sam, Toby's here."
I put the photograph down at the sound of Alex's voice as he enters the room and hands me a small package which Molly elaborately gift wrapped for me. There are a few gifts of thanks I'll be handing out tonight, but I want a private moment with Toby. We had a few moments just after the funeral and I told him that I want to make amends for mistaken resentments of the past few days. I have a special gift that Josh was planning to give his old friend for his birthday.
Toby's POV
CJ prepared me for Sam's altered appearance but I'm still slightly taken aback as I enter the replica of the Oval Office. As he turns round with a "Hey Toby!" and I notice that he places a photo of Josh and one of the European monarchs back on the side table. It's hard not to take a step back in shock at how much Josh's death has affected him. My friend moves stiffly across the room and I notice how dull and unseeing his eyes look. We spoke just after the funeral and he was putting on a brave performance. He took time to take me to one side and we shared an awkward hug and he said that he wanted to see me alone to apologize in private and not with guests milling around us.
I notice that he bumps in to one of the replica sofas of Josh's Oval Office and gives a soft curse. "I'm sorry I seem to be even more klutzy than usual these days." He apologises as I take the opposite sofa. For a moment we sit in silence staring awkwardly into space then I feel that the melancholy silence is unbearable.
"How are you Sam?" I ask softly. "I said at the graveside if there's anything I can do to help you've only got to ask."
It's almost as if Sam remembers that I'm sitting across from him and he gives me a weak smile. I suppose I've always thought of him as an annoying kid brother, and had a way of dealing with Sam; an encouraging word when needed or stiff lecture. But now faced with my the naked pain of grief etched on my friend's face, I'm unsure of how best to deal with him and it's slightly unsettling. I know he's angry with me and I guess he has every right to be. He's always trusted me and despite a few hiccups I've never betrayed that trust and I hated doing it this time, but how do you refuse a dying man?
"I know and I appreciate it Toby and I feel better now that I've apologised." Sam says sincerely. "I've been an idiot these last few days and you've done so much..." His voice trails off for a moment and I stare down at my shoes for a moment as I watch him struggle to gain his composure. "I should have known and been grateful that Josh turned to you to help...I'm sorry." He swallows heavily. "I thought was gonna get through this today with dignity then go home...I guess I wanted Josh to be proud of me."
This is my moment and I lean forward.
"He was Sam! He would be," I say encouragingly. "Especially how you coped when his illness was diagnosed. He told me that you never showed him how upset you were and he knew you were and you never got self pitying."
He raises his head and for a moment there is a glint of hope in the blue eyes.
"You think?"
"Yes and Jamie and the family the way they've rallied round you, but, Sam you have every right to be angry with me. I should have kept you in the loop as we used to say."
"Is this Toby Ziegler sitting here apologising to me?" Sam replies in a faintly amused tone and we relax a little. "Everything happened so quickly, everybody thought there would be more time...but...why didn't he tell me, Toby?" Sam leans forward. "That's what I don't understand, why would he leave me in the dark about something so important?"
"I really can't tell you, Sam. He asked me to help him and I did, the same as Alex but when he asked us not to tell you. He didn't say why...maybe we should have asked but..." I trail off, I know I was uncomfortable with the whole situation.
"No, he'd obviously decided, even if you'd asked...What's the point of going over it again." He says dully as he gets to his feet and stares out of the window and doesn't speak again. After a few minutes I'm thinking of fetching Jamie but he turns back to me, eyes bright with unshed tears.
"Anyway...I wanted you to...you know Josh and I both appreciated that you stayed on when we got to the White House. I know you were thinking of taking it more easy once you got him there."
"I don't know how I would have dealt with retirement, Sam." I try not to grimace at how Sam and Josh knew that. I'd planned to shuffle off quietly write my memoirs, perhaps finally establish some proper roots, after years living in rented accommodation in DC. "But, I didn't tell you that. Either of you. How did you know?" I say rubbing my forehead, unsure where the conversation is heading.
"CJ told me, when she finally accepted as Chief of Staff. I wanted to know why you'd turned it down when you'd been joint campaign director and we'd always assumed it would be you." Sam explains and I try to shrug it off as it not mattering any more.
"But," Sam continues as he picks up a small package on the mock Resolute Desk and picks up a small package. "I've been thinking, the last few days, of some way I could say thank you for everything you've done, for us both and then I remembered that Josh had planned to give this to you."
"Sam, there's no need." I protest as he hands me a small box.
"There is, especially given how I've acted this week. You know as well as anyone that Josh wasn't particularly practicing his faith but there was something I…we both wanted you to have." I look into the blue eyes that plead earnestly at me to open the package. Nestled in some tissue paper is a deep purple yarmulke.
"It was his grandfather's. He gave it to Josh at his Bar Mitzvah. As far as I know he didn't use it himself but it meant an awful lot to him. I'd like you to have it."
"Sam, it's...you should keep this...give it to Jamie." I can't quite put into words how touched I am so I resort to my usual gruffness.
"Now what use would that be? Jamie isn't Jewish so the religious significance would be lost on him. Besides, I have some other things of Josh's to pass on to him. But, I, no, we that is Josh and I wanted..." He clears his throat. "Toby you understand how important this is, how important it would have been to Josh." He pauses as I shift uncomfortably in my seat at such naked emotion and the pleasure of giving such a simple gift. "It is important for me to show you in some small way how much you mean to me, and how much you meant to Josh."
"Sam…I'm honoured." I stare at it for a few minutes, "It was his grandfather's?"
"Yeah, he'd had it since he came to the US from Birkenau. I'd never seen it but Josh took it with us when we went there and told me about his grandfather. He'd be pleased it was being passed on to you as he wished."
I don't say anything for a moment and Sam learnt long ago that when I grow quiet it's because I'm pleased. After a moment I look around the room and then have to turn away from the desk with its untidy replica of papers and mock briefing notes.
"We always had to tidy the desk before he went on TV!" Sam reminds me with a smile. "Remember his first TV broadcast?"
"Yes, but..." I now know what I've got to do. I've got a friend who once again is totally adrift at sea and I'm here to give him a sense of purpose once more. "How are you, Sam?"
"I have no idea. I'm swinging between devastated and angry and hitting every stop along the way…" His voice is bitter and I remember CJ mentioned how she thought Sam was holding in a lot of anger. "What the hell am I going to do now, Toby?"
"You're going to live your life, like he'd want you to do."
"What if I can't? What if all I want to do is shut myself away?"
"Ah, I see." I nod and I can see the anger rising in him again before he gets to his feet and starts to pace.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He asks cautiously. "Has somebody said something? Has someone asked you to keep any eye on me?"
"You should know me better than that, Sam. I know people are worried about you but only because it's completely natural that they would be. My comment was purely because I realized I had to do something which I'd intended to leave a while."
"And what might that be?" he asks me and he's still defensive.
I reach over to where I left my overcoat and reach into the inside pocket. I regret not being as in touch with the two of them as I could have been once the presidency was over but I wasn't surprised to get a call from Josh once I knew he was ill. I expected the request for help with the funeral, although I didn't expect to have to keep it from Sam, but his other request was a little more unusual.
"I've just realised that what CJ said was right, you are angry at Josh, but not because he left you, you're angry because you feel like he didn't fight hard enough to stay...am I right?" At that he just stops and stares at me. "There's nothing wrong about that, you know. Josh would understand that, he did understand that." I hand him a collection of papers that Josh emailed to me a few weeks ago. "He asked me to give this to you when I thought the time was right. He said you would understand."
"Do you know what it is?" he asks but doesn't move to take it from me.
"No. I just printed it out and put it together as he asked. Do you want me to leave while you read it?" he shakes his head and finally takes it from me. I don't say anything else, just sit and watch him as he reads.
Sam's POV
I sink down on the sofa and stare blindly at the papers in my hand. I notice Josh's shaky handwriting on the top page and look up in surprise at my old friend.
"He sent that separately, go on, read it." Toby encourages me.
Part of me wants to ignore this and run away but obviously Josh trusted Toby to give this to me, and he obviously thinks this is the right time. I should be heading outside, getting ready to leave but the sight of Josh's handwriting; untidier and less precise than it had once been stops me and I take a deep breath before opening the letter. I smile at his "wonderful Sam," and I look up at Toby with a rueful look.
If I'm right and I'm always right aren't I Sam? I'll be as pissed as hell with you as by now you'll be doing a good impression of a hermit. So, I've sent in the big guns to talk some sense into you. Toby's here to hopefully can convince you that you have so much left to do. He and so many of our friends and family are here for you now that I can't be. I wanted nothing more than to grow old with you and spend so much more time together but I just can't cling on to life any more.
I know you're angry with me, angry that I changed the funeral plans. I wanted to tell you, hell maybe I did after I wrote this, but just in case...I really did mean what I said the day we made the plans, I'd had enough, but these past months I've read all of the mail that we've received and I realise that what we did really was appreciated by the people that matter most. Then one day I watched you... yes I know you're rolling your eyes and thinking I did that most days, but this day was different. You hadn't slept all night because I'd kept you awake, coughing and tossing and turning, and then I spent the morning complaining, snapping at you, but you didn't say anything. That started me thinking, all through the Presidency, however much we fought, you were always there by my side but you never had any of the recognition.
This is going to sound strange, even as I write it, I know you'll be arguing with me in your head but just hear me out. I want you to get that recognition and I don't know how to do that except to let the people support you through what I know is going to be the hardest few days of your life. You always said I should have the funeral that I deserve but I want you to get the recognition that you should have always had. I want them to see the dignity and stoicism with which you've coped during the past few years.
Just one more thing, promise me you'll live your life, remember our wish list? Get to the end of it. Watch that little girl grow up into a wonderful woman, spend time with our friends. I told Toby that you turn words into musical notes so tell our story. I want you to carry on with my book. I love you, Sweetheart.
Your Josh.
I can do nothing but stare at the paper in front of me and I can feel Toby watching me closely but I can't say anything as my throat is constricting.
"He is unbelievable...always thinks he knows best."
"Well..." I give him a sharp look but I can tell he's teasing me. "So, what's the rest of it? After all I'm only the messenger!"
I grin and turn back to the papers and shake my head in disbelief. Josh began writing his memoirs about six months ago, when he was still reasonably well, believing he would be able to finish them. I've read all of what he had completed so I'm surprised to see the beginnings of an introduction in front of me.
There are things I regret in my life, just like anyone. I regret not spending more time with my father during his illness. I regret not pushing for certain legislation while in the Senate despite my beliefs but most of all I regret that I'm going to be leaving my Sam alone. The one thing I don't regret is any of the time I spent with him. I've never believed in there being just one person for each of us but I can't imagine my life with anyone else. We had our ups and downs, but without him I know that I would not have reached the White House, would not have achieved what I did during my Presidency and would not have had the past thirty years to look back on now. Whatever anyone said of our relationship in the White House, I was only at my best when he was with me. I only wish it hadn't taken us so long to settle into our roles as it did, because I know he wishes he could have done so much more, despite the fact that he made a real difference to so many people. I don't have the way with words that Sam does, despite my loud proclamations that I have 760 verbal. Sam can take the simplest words and turn them into wonderful poetry. He will make this book into what I hoped it would be. I only wish that I could see it.
Joshua Lyman May 2031
I'm incapable of words so I pass it back over to Toby for him to read before I get up and walk to the window to give myself time to digest that my husband's words echo the fevered imaginary conversation I had in my head with him on the night of his lying in state.
"Well..." Is Toby's only comment.
"Yeah, he always did surprise you." I turn round at a knock on the door and Jamie reminds me that there's no time by which we have to vacate the library, but some of the guests are leaving. Toby slowly gets to his feet and I'm suddenly struck how much older he looks and has shrunken a little.
"You're coming back to the house, right? And you'll stay the night? There's plenty of room." I ask and admit that I'm anxious to have as many of Josh's friends around me tonight.
"Of course, if you're sure you want us all there?" Toby asks anxiously. "I know Josh didn't expect you to sit Shiva for him."
"The few times we spoke about it, Josh was adamant on the subject. But he wanted me to invite all of our friends to the house, so we'll do as he asked." I say firmly. "If nothing else we'll provide a good feast though, Molly has booked Charlottesville finest caterers."
"Josh would like that!" Toby gets to his feet. "
"You shouldn't be on your own, not yet," Toby adds. "Come on I'll walk you to the car, I want to see your granddaughter, she hasn't told me how much she enjoyed the book I sent her." He laughs.
"You spoil her." He shrugs and the two of us carry on our banter as we walk to the car and I feel a little bit of the weight lift off of my shoulders.
Seaborn-Lyman Residence - Charlottesville, VA
When we get back to the house, ahead of the other mourners due to everything being planned to the second, the first thing I do is head upstairs to change. It's only been three days since we left for DC but it feels like an age. When I've changed into casual pants and a sweater with a white t-shirt underneath, I go out into the landing and sit in the window seat and stare out the pale chalky mauve sky that marks the beginning of a sunset. Then I look around the large first floor landing. Josh complained when I first showed him the house that it was too big and said we'd never fill it and I smile to myself now as I look around at the pieces of furniture that we've added, and the general detritus which makes it uniquely ours. The house has never felt too big to me, even when Jamie left for college, but right now it feels cavernous and I can't imagine being here alone.
What am I going to do now that Josh is gone? Now that the funeral is over it's a question that will start to nag at me. For the last few months since his health really deteriorated, everything has been about him. The few times that I've left the house in the past month has been to drive into Charlottesville for whatever Josh need whilst a nurse watched over him. I've all but retired from practising law and while Josh's insistence that I can finish his book is possibly true, I know for certain that I can't face it yet.
"Sam?" My daughter-in-law's soft, gentle voice shakes me from my melancholy and I smile at her. She's still in her black dress and jacket. "People are arriving. If you're not ready to face anyone I can make your excuses."
"No I'll come down," I assure her. "Why don't you change into something comfortable, we're just going to be sitting around." At Molly's protest that she has to check the caterers are ready, I take her hand and stop her.
"I'm sure everyone down there is capable of foraging their own food. You don't need to take care of us."
"No...no it's fine..."
"It isn't. You don't need to wait on us...we're all adults, all capable of taking care of ourselves...mostly!" At my attempt at humour she bursts into tears. "Hey...what's this, my jokes aren't that bad!" I wrap my arms around her.
"Sorry...I'll go and get changed." She tries to pull away but I hold on to her hand.
"What are you sorry for? He's your father-in-law...and the two of you always got on well. He loved you, he loved how happy you made Jamie, you know that. It's ok to cry."
"He was always so nice to me, despite the press that Jamie and I got." Molly sobs on my shoulder.
It is unbelievable that in the twenty first century there were the usual comments from various right-wing groups about Jamie and Molly not being married before becoming pregnant which I know embarrassed and hurt them both. More than once I had to restrain Josh from calling reporters and giving them hell, even though I wanted nothing more than to do it myself.
"Josh never cared about the press...well ok he did but all he cared about then was that you two weren't hurt by it."
I also know Josh talked to her about when she fought with her mother over the wedding arrangements. While Chris and I dealt with Jamie's concerns and worries, Josh was the one who could calm Molly down.
"Josh liked nothing better than arguing with the newspapers...they never answered back. He loved you, more than ever after Claudia was born. Now, go and freshen up, and I'll go and greet everyone." She nods and goes to leave. "Do you want me to send Jamie up?" She shakes her head and hurries down the corridor to her room. I take a deep breath and head downstairs ready to face everyone again.
A few hours later and we're down to the closest family and friends. I'm seated on the sofa that face the fireplace. Claudy is sleeping on my lap and I nurse a glass of Scotch which Toby pressed into my hand a while ago. Everyone has eaten, probably drunk too much and we've started to reminisce about Josh.
"Sam, all the time we were at the White House, there's been something I wanted to ask you...Just how did you and Josh almost set the White House on fire?" Alex's eyes are teasing.
I was dreading the constant storytelling but it's been nice recalling some stories buried in folklore and hearing how loved he was by our friends.
"You know what, I don't know how it started but it involved kindling, a lot of Josh and kerosene!" I shake my head as Donna tells the story to her husband and to Molly. When she's finished, I look at Jamie who's laughing. "However, I do recall our first Christmas and the National Menorah and lots and lots of latkes!"
"Aww, Dad, that was years ago!" He protests trying slightly red and Molly puts her hand over his mouth to quieten him so that I can continue.
December 2015 - The White House
Josh, his mom, Jamie and I are congregated in the lobby of the West Wing waiting to leave to watch Josh light the National Menorah. Afterwards there's a reception in the East Wing with food, and entertainment performed by the Marine band. It's our first holiday season as the First Family and the annual round of parties and events is just getting started. Josh is determined to attend as many as he can and this evening is the first. Tomorrow is the lighting of the Christmas tree which again we'll be attending and Jamie and I will be reading a Christmas story to assembled children before Josh switches on the lights. It's times like these that I miss the scramble to complete the State of the Union which used to mean I would miss most of the festivities.
"Are we all ready?" Jamie is almost bouncing in excitement while Josh is pacing and I go and lay a comforting hand on his arm.
"Hey! You OK there?" I say softly.
"Yeah," Josh stops pacing and gives me a sheepish grin as I give his right arm a reassuring squeeze. "Whose clever idea was it that I give part of the speech in Hebrew!"
Before I can reply that it was his impulsive idea, we're ushered out of the lobby by the White Social Secretary, an energetic young lady who runs through the agenda as we climb into the limousine.
"You're not gonna feel cold, are you Jean?" I say with a grin when at last we're alone and the limousine starts up and makes it way down the driveway.
A early December snow storm is predicted but my mother in law is swathed in faux fur and diamond earrings on loan from Harry Winston, glisten in her ear.
"No, I'll be fine. I'm looking forward to the party afterwards," she replies with a smile which fades at a distant almost reflective look on Josh's face."Joshua, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, Mom," I hide a smile at the look his answer receives. "It's just... I can't help but think of dad."
"He would have loved this! He'd be so proud of you." Jean says as she reaches over to pat his knee at his doubtful look, "He would, Joshua. His little terror, the President, of course he would be proud. So very proud."
"Thanks Mom," I relax as Josh's face brightens. "I'm glad you agreed to come tonight."
She smiles and reaches to a large black bag at her feet.
"Now, I know we don't have much time, but it's the first night of Hanukkah so here are your gifts."
She hands each of us a small elegantly wrapped gift.
"Jamie..! Wait a minute, what do you say?" I protest, reaching out a hand to stop Jamie ripping into his.
"Thank you Grandma!" Jamie says sheepishly as Jean accepts a enthusiastic hug from my son and a kiss on the cheek.
"That's ok, I remember someone just like you at your age," Jean replies with an amused smile at Josh.
Ignoring Josh's smirk I nod, "We have gifts for you too, back in the Residence."
Unable to stop Jamie any longer I watch as he opens his gift. As I listen to Josh remind us as he does every year, the meaning of the 'gelt' inside his gift, I carefully unwrap my own gift. It's a exquisitely carved wooden photo frame which matches those in my office; inside is a photograph of the three of us at the inauguration as Josh took the oath.
"Jean, thank you, it'll match my office perfectly." I look over at Josh and see tears in the corner of his eyes. "Josh?"
He shakes his head, "I'm fine. Look." He hands me a smaller but strikingly similar frame to my own which holds a picture of him and his sister with his father.
"I thought we'd most of the photos of you and Joanie together, but I was looking through some of your father's books a few months ago that we'd saved and this one fell out. I thought you should have them both with you."
"Mom..." He can't say any more but she nods at him.
"It'll look good on your desk in the Oval, darling."
"Are we having latkes tonight?" Jamie asks unwittingly breaking the spell of a highly emotional moment.
He's gone from to avidly reading his present, the latest in the series of books he has been reading, and got stuck into eating the chocolate gelt.
"Yes, made to my recipe. Not only the regular potato latkes but chocolate ones too." While they always had the traditional potato latkes for Hanukkah as they were Josh's favourite, this year Jean and the White House Chef had decided to prepare a multitude of different flavours.
"Jamie, I'm warning you if you're ill tonight it's nobody's fault but your own!
"Bubala don't forget we're also having my chocolate cake and jelly donuts!" She says smiling as she reaches over and takes the gelt firmly away from Jamie's grasp and puts it in her bag. "I gave the chef the recipe yesterday, so save your gelt for later..."
"Yeah, I remember!" Jamie says with a sheepish grin and turning slightly pink at the memory as he stops me from embarrassing him further. "But you and JJ still sat up all night with me when I was sick."
"You, know, you should write a book about your experience in the White House!" Molly says eagerly. "I thought I'd heard everything from dad, but, every time I think I've heard them all, you all have new stories!"
"I used to send my dad emails stories from the West Wing," I say with a smile of a remembrance of a sudden long buried memory. "Perhaps it's a torch that I'll pass to you!" I say with a smile at Jamie whose literacy skills were never quite as fine tuned as mine.
I shift a sleeping granddaughter in my arms.
"Do you want me to take her?" Both Chris and Jamie get up without stretched hands. I shake my head.
"That Christmas was when you gave me Sherlock." Jamie continues fondly.
"That damn dog!" I exclaim. "You know the year before you'd never mentioned having a puppy...I never did find out why the sudden fascination."
Jamie's silent for a while and I'm beginning to get uncomfortable with the silence and thinking about changing the subject. "Jamie?"
"I...It was..."
"Jamie what are you trying to say?" I don't mean to snap, I guess the tiredness is finally catching up with me again.
"I didn't need a dog before that. I was safe before that." He says quietly. Suddenly it all clicks into place and I can't speak past the lump in my throat. "Anyway I should put Claudy to bed." He gets up and before I can protest he takes her from my arms and carries her out of the room. I look around the room and everyone looks distinctly uncomfortable, except Chris who just looks sad.
"I...didn't. I never knew. We just thought it was a phase, all his friends had a dog, you know...Chris did he say anything to you?" I take a big sip of my scotch.
"He tried so hard to hide it from you but he was a lot jumpier after that and he'd often come and find us in the hallway late at night if he had a bad dream and he didn't want you to know. We were all quite used to him. That stopped after he had the puppy, so I kind of guessed."
I'm now completely over the fact that Chris had spent a lot of time with Jamie after his abduction and was much ten times more successful than the counsellor that Josh and I brought in and discovered Jamie hated. But, I hadn't realised he wanted a dog to help him feel safe. At the time we thought it was a child's normal wish and sometimes granted to have a puppy.
"He doesn't talk about it," Molly tells me, "If I hadn't already known I don't think he'd ever have told me."
"That's how we thought he'd handled it, he knew we were there if he wanted to talk and he hated us pushing him to talk about it, but I guess he was trying to look after us as much as we were him. Christ, I never appreciated how quickly he grew up after that..." I get hastily get to my feet as tears sting in my eyes. "I'm..." I take a few breaths. "I'll go and find him and I've got some gifts."
Jamie gives me an anxious glance as we meet in the corridor and I draw him into hug of sudden emotion at the realization what how at such a young age he was thinking of Josh and I. Then as I release him I ask his help in carrying some of the stylishly wrapped gifts that lie on the dining room table. It's getting late so the presents will round off the night in the right way. The more private family gifts to Molly and Jamie I've planned to give them when we're alone.
"So, you all know how bad Josh was at gifts right? I mean Donna will tell you..." She laughs at the memory as Jamie and I enter the sitting room and place the presents on the table by the window. "But when he did try, he managed to get it just right. So, he wanted me to pass on a few things, and I've added a few of my own, to remember him by."
There are a few murmurs of surprise as I beckon every one over and as I hand out the gifts. I ask that nobody opens them until I can explain their meaning individually. CJ is the first to receive a present and when everyone has received their boxes, I go and stand by the dying embers of the fire.
"CJ, you, and Toby you were his closest friends for more than twenty years but you also guided him through a tough eight years." She looks up in surprise as I cross over to her and gently kiss her on her right cheek. "You kept him in check when I couldn't...er...anyway, as you know there were limitations on the many of the gifts we received that we could keep. But, there two pieces of jewelry that we purchased them from the state for our mothers and Josh thought you'd like this one in particular."
I watch as she tears off the wrapping paper to reveal a red velvet box nestled inside is a tasteful but obviously expensive emerald necklace. Gifted to my mother by the Indian Prime Minister during a state visit she wore it often. CJ doesn't' speak and tears roll down her cheeks and pulls me into a hug. Donna is delighted a diamond bracelet a gift of state which we purchased to thank Josh's mom for her support when we left the White House. When CJ releases me I'm accosted by Donna and as I'm hugged to death I begin to wonder if Josh had this in mind when he instructed me to hand out the gifts.
As I face the amused faces of the other men in the room, I gesture to Alex and Daniel to come forward and give them a small metal box covered in blue velvet.
"Daniel you never met Leo McGarry or Jed Bartlet but Alex you did," Alex nods. "Well," I continue as the men open the boxes to reveal miniature pins of the American Flag. "I know you'll know how much both they meant to Josh and I."
I go on to explain that President Bartlet's was a gift from Abbey and it was fashioned from rubies and diamonds. He liked it so much that he presented Leo with a similar one for his birthday. When Josh won the election they gave them both to us to wear.
"I only wore mine on special occasions because I didn't want to lose something so precious. Josh wore his every day, and he wanted the two of you to have them." I manage to finish keeping a lid on my memories of the times I saw Josh proudly pinning the pin on the lapel of his jacket.
"Sam..." Alex just stares at me, "We can't. You should keep yours with all its memories!"
"Yes, you can, think of it as passing on the baton..." I start then smile at the look of confusion on their faces. "The both of you reminded Josh and I of ourselves many years ago and we wanted to pass these on to you both. I know you've both considering entering politics, so see it as a passing on of the baton. In my day it was a chess set." I catch Toby's eye at that and he nods.
"Ok," I announce as everyone turns to face me and I force a smile on my face. I'm dreading going upstairs to an empty bedroom, but my friends and family are exhausted after such an emotional day. But, no one wants to be the first to leave. It reminds me of the excruciating protocol at the White House and I get to my feet and put my glass firmly on the table. "I don't know about you but I'm done in!" I say stifling a fake yawn. " I'm gonna turn in now! You all know where you are sleeping?"
There are murmurs of "yes" and once stifled yawns now more open as every gets to their feet and Molly and CJ start to clear the remains of the buffet. I remind them that I've hired help to come in tomorrow to clean up and everyone is to sleep in. I also add, with a throb in my voice, that Josh would have been so proud of them today. It's a little while before it's just Jamie and I are left alone in the hallway after we've said goodbye to those friends who are staying in nearby hotels.
"Sam are you coming up!" The voiceI so wanna hear resounds in my ears.
"Do you always have to yell!" I automatically reply as I look up the staircase trying to hold on to the illusion that he's standing there, impatiently tapping his feet as he was the day we moved in to our home: hair damp and curly from the shower, pulling his belt around his white bathrobe with the presidential seal.
"I'm coming darlin'!" I automatically reply.
"Dad?" I turn around with a start at Jamie's voice as he enters the front door and locks it behind him.
"Is everyone gone?" I ask with a sigh of regret as the memory fades away.
"Yeah, Dad who were you talking to?" Jamie asks laying a hand on my arm.
"Oh, just myself" I offer with a sheepish grin.
"OK," Jamie says a little doubtfully as he follows my gaze to the staircase. "Do you wanna have a final nightcap just the two of us?" He suggests.
"No, I'm...I've gotta face up to..."
"Yeah! I get it dad! Josh wouldn't want to see you sleeping on the couch again."
"No, he wouldn't," I softly agree and we exchange a warm hug and a from me a "thank you for seeing me through this!" and "go to bed!" as I give him a gentle shove towards the stairs. Jamie being Jamie, takes the stairs two at a time. As I follow him, my steps are heavier.
It's the fourth night I've slept alone, but it will be the first time I've slept alone in our bed. As I open the door, I lean against the wall for a moment unused to the silence of the room. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't dread the evening ritual of climbing into an empty bed. Perhaps, I reflect, as I finish preparing for bed and notice the sleeping pills on my bedside table, that I may enjoy a drug free nights sleep one day!
I may at some time in the future stop moving automatically to a dip in the mattress. It's from years where we've met in the middle and wrapped our arms and legs around each other. As I turn the bedside light out, I know that I should be grateful that I'm surrounded by family and friends, but, I've never felt so utterly alone.
TBC
