Disclaimer: I wish it was mine...but sadly...wishes never come true. Go figure!
Rating: T
Re-submitted, because for some reason it got cut off and has given me more trouble than it's been worth. Damn thing...
A/N: Well, I really don't know what I think of this one. I'm putting it down to tiredness and a long week ahead of me and confusing myself! But it's been re-edited, so I hope it makes a little more sense. I ended up confuddling myself, lol!
But thank you so much for the reviews and the faves! I was shocked by the enthusiasm for the last one! But I'm glad you all enjoyed Rockstar Jesse :D I hope you enjoy this one.
Road Rage...
I tapped nervously on the steering wheel as I waited for Susannah to come out of our house. I stayed staring at the front door like it's some kind of monster, waiting to devour me in a second. The slight cold breeze coming through my half open window, easing the perspiration trickling down the back of my neck. The smallest sound making me fidget and jump with nerves of trip thats to come. The bright cloudless day a contrast to my shaken mood. The engine is running and has been for the past few minutes. Just sitting idly as I grip the wheel, determined not to be afraid.
Mentally preparing myself.
These moments was supposed to get easier, not harder. Everything I read and all the advice I have been given, said that over time, I would come to accept and overcome it. But I'm starting to think it's a hopeless cause. That the confidence I once held at being able to do something as simple as driving, had long since turned and twisted into an ugly fear. And rightly so. But it still leaves me feeling disappointed and ashamed with myself. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Tasks like this were supposed to be easy. Not deadly.
"I can do this," I muttered to myself. Closing my eyes and taking a couple of deep breaths. "I can. There's nothing to be afraid of."
I've always had more confidence, than I had knowledge, of what to do with it. When I was alive before, there was nothing to channel that towards. No extra ambitions or options for me to try. But when I was given the opportunity of a new life; I let my old confidence return and help me towards many situations since then. Giving me the boost for the occurrences I was slightly lacking on. Preparations for the life lessons, I wasn't expecting to face. And over the years, it's grown and evolved into different characteristics and habits. Making tasks like driving coming easily to me.
For awhile anyway.
I should of known, even back then of what I was getting myself into. But I chose not see or hear the warning. Mainly because I thought with time, that it would be something that would be diminished. Made easier with growth and maturity. How wrong I was. But if I had the chance to go back and correct that mistake, I certainly would. For my own sanity's sake. Now all I can do is live with it. Hoping that one-day, I won't feel this fear and anxiety each time we have to drive anywhere. Father Dominic has tried to help me deal with the situation. Even though I know he doesn't take me seriously.
But he isn't the one terrified.
I open my eyes to the sound of the front door slamming closed. My gaze instantly resting on the beautiful woman walking towards the car. A large smile stretching across her face and aimed all for me. For a second, I think I might actually be okay. That I might be able to conquer this fear and gain the strength not to crumble and wither each time. But I know it's only a fleeting thought. And that it doesn't hold any weight, no matter how much I wished it did.
Susannah walked around the car and slid into the passenger seat beside me. Her smile still holding in place, making her face light and glow from the bright sun coming through the clear glass. I entertain the thought of letting her drive this one time, just to save myself the trauma. But I know that could be worse than the battle I'm about to drive into. Pulling her seat belt across her, she turned and shined a little more hope onto me. Letting me think I might just survive this trip after all. Not sure how much more I could take if I didn't.
"Okay, I'm all ready," She said cheerfully. Her expression and eyes devoid of suspicion or concern for me. I've come to perfect my anxious mask and fear. A small point awarded to myself for being able to at all.
I nodded, reversing and backing out of the drive. "Let's go then," I smiled back easily, putting the car into gear and staring down the long road ahead of me. Swallowing once, before I banished the nerves and trepidation as much as I could. Driving away from the house, I made a concerted effort not to clench the steering wheel too tightly. Cautious incase Susannah might notice. Grateful and surprised my anxiety hasn't been seen yet.
Almost twenty minutes later, I was starting to think I was clear. That I was going to survive this time and I had nothing to worry about. Just a little bit closer and I would be safe for a while. Cowardice as my need for escape was. I was desperate to release the tension I had been holding back the entire drive after I held my breath for most of the way. My heartbeat slowing a little, the more I started to think I made it unharmed. My progress with staying in control increasing, the more I thought I was going to make it.
Until my hope was shattered and blown as I foolishly let down my guard.
The man had slipped up beside me, before he had suddenly decided to put his foot down and overtake. Pulling into my lane and speeding off further up the road. Saving himself from being stuck behind my crawling pace. But I keep the speed minimal, so I can avoid moments like this. To save the person getting hailed the abuse. I wasn't fazed by him deciding to overtake me. He was perfectly safe and so was I.
But it was Susannah who got the road rage for me.
"Watch where you're going, moron!" She suddenly burst out, cutting herself off part-way through her talking. Making me jump as her voice echoed around the car and causing my jumbled nerves to tremble that much worse. "Idiot . . ." She muttered, sitting back in her seat. Suddenly in desperate of air, I lowered my window all the way down. Turning my face to the crisp cold. Letting it clear the fright I could feel at her outburst. Susannah completely oblivious to my terror.
With the man clear out of sight ahead of us, she shot me a quick sweet smile. Her expression giving nothing away to the sudden venom that had been dripping in her tone and her words, seconds before. The innocent nature returning and belying what had been. And for a moment I could almost believe it. I quietly sighed, letting the sheer warmth of her genuine smile soothe me. 'Just a little further,' I silently repeated to myself.
I wasn't sure what was worse to have to suffer through. The stress and anxiety from having to sit and listen to Susannah's sudden and angry outbursts at other drivers. Or the fact she was the passenger, getting the road rage and righteous indignation, on my behalf.
The outbursts never used to be so bad. It was just something I had hoped she would grow out of it. That her maturity for everything else, would aid her in this too. But it hasn't. It's seemed to have gotten worse lately. Her annoyance at anyone cutting me up, over-taking or just not even bothering to signal, always made a monster emerge from her. It was a terrifying sight and one that has only led to me needing to mentally prepare myself, whenever I have to drive somewhere with Susannah beside me.
You can imagine how frazzled I look when we are visiting her parents. The tourists that we have to drive through . . .
Susannah easily slipped back into her previous conversation. Losing me instantly as I tried keeping my eye out for anymore potential victims that might be driving past us. But as vigilant as I am, I still miss a few. And as much as it seems Susannah isn't alert or paying attention to the roads; she truly is. Then before I could stop her, or react in any other way, she reached across and slammed her fist down on the horn in two long, drawn out beeps.
"Get the hell off the road!" She yelled through my window, deafening me in one ear as she glared at someone turning off without signalling. Huffing, she sat back in her seat again. Reaching out to squeeze my tense arm. "Sorry about that, hon." She said, once again reverting back to normal. If Susannah sat and sulked because of the sometimes reckless drivers, I'm sure I could handle it better. But she reverts back to carefree so quickly, it leaves me more confused and jumpy then I should be.
Thankfully seeing the sign and turn off for the mall, I took a breath and quickly rode into the large and overly packed car-park.
"You know," I commented, trying to be as unaffected by Susannah's behaviour as I could. "We can always go and park in the multi-storey?" Large car-parks were the worst for Susannah's outbursts. And also the place I happened to be, when I realized there was even a problem. It took me nearly ten minutes to get Susannah to back down from the fight. The man was a little taller than I am and as taken aback, too. But it did nothing to stop Susannah from offering to knock him down. I was close to physically removing her when the man made the right choice of walking away.
Her road rage has only gotten worse since.
"No, here's fine," She replied happily, looking around for a space. "Oh! There's one," She crowed, pointing out a space someone had just driven from. I swallowed, getting an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to move. Taking a deep breath, I headed towards it. Once again starting to think I might just make it without incident, when a man in a flashy car suddenly came out of no-where and it took first. "Ass-hole!" Susannah shouted out of her window, glaring at his smug grin.
Putting aside my shock at her sudden exclamation and curse, I put my foot down and headed in the opposite direction of where he had parked. Knowing that if I gave Susannah the chance, she'd be out of the car and over to him in seconds. Not wanting a blood bath on my hands, I took away that option and coming close to the end of my patience. As quick as I could, I pulled into an empty space, further away then Susannah wanted. Not releasing my breath, until the car was off and my restrictive belt was gone.
Leaving Susannah to grumble to herself about the man, I laid my head on the clutched steering wheel. Trying to breath through the panic.
"You okay, hon?" Susannah asked, her hand coming to lay on my back with a gentle presence.
I groaned against the steering wheel. "I can't handle it anymore."
"Can't handle what?" Her voice was light and carefree as she spoke. But there was something in it alerting my tired mind. I sat back up from my slouched position, her hand falling away and placed back in her lap nonchalantly. I narrowed my eyes at her shaded gaze. Her sunglasses keeping me from looking for what I was starting to be suspicious about. "What's wrong?"
Never once had I suspected Susannah knew exactly what she was doing when we went out. That she noticed the affect her sudden and angry outbursts had on my nerves when I was driving. How much it made me dread driving anywhere with her, but too proud to ask her to take over. But now, I was starting to think she did.
"Your road rage, querida," I stated tiredly. "is what's wrong."
She lifted one slim eyebrow at my statement. Her expression giving away nothing else. "I only get it when you're driving, babe," She said easily, shrugging lightly. "You drive like an old lady. It's boring. I have to entertain myself somehow." And with that, she picked up her bag and got out of the car. Ducking her head back in and looking at my gaping and speechless expression. "Coming?"
I turned back to looking out of the window. Trying so hard not to break out into a smile as her words settled around me. Shocked and dumbfounded, my anxiety and fear had been for nothing, and only a ploy. A silent challenge, I hadn't known anything about. But my fight not to smile, was as useless as the one I had been trying to win at not giving in to her acting 'road rage'.
Only Susannah would shout abuse at passing drivers to keep herself entertained, because she thought I drove too slow. There was irony in there somewhere . . .
Still shaken and surprised by my eventful driving trip and Susannah, I finally climbed out of the car and remote key locked it. Chucking them at Susannah before I could talk myself out of it. "You're driving from now on." I said seriously, catching up to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. Happy and extremely relieved her road rage wasn't a serious problem. For a moment there, I was starting to wonder if she was going to need to go to anger management.
"Good," She smiled, victorious. "I knew I'd wear you down eventually . . ."
A/N 2: Yes? No? Lol, its something I would do if I was stuck in the same position as Suze. Anyway, I hope it was okay, thanks for reading, please review. And big huggles and cookies for all!
Anonymous Reviews:
Meg - Hey! I'm glad the last one made you laugh! I was having a good giggle as I was writing it too. It was something I wanted to do for a while, but was putting off. But I was so glad it went over so well. Thanks so much for reviewing, I hope you enjoy this one. It just struck me as something Suze would do, lol. Thanks again, take care! x
