Chapter 12
Barriers
And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words carry on…
-Trading Yesterday
Gunfire resounded. The main hold of the ship we infiltrated had enough crates to provide us cover. Two rogue biotics emerged at the door on the other side. One of them sent a huge blast that knocked some of crates down. One crate almost got crushed. That was too close. She ran to the nearest pile of crates again. Moving to the side, with the scope on her rifle she spied the two enemies, taking cover behind various cargo.
"Kaidan, take the one on the left." She said on the radio. "Liara, the one on the right."
Another biotic emerged from the door, but she took him down quickly with one shot. That was her. She always preferred to take down her targets cloaked from a distance with guns and tech.
I moved down to the room where my target was. He sent a singularity that almost dragged me in. That was close. But he had no barriers. I charged down the path. Before he could throw another blast, I threw my own that sent him flying to the wall. Dead.
I turned around. Shepard's cloak started fading away. Out of nowhere, another enemy appeared behind Shepard, ready to send a blast her way.
"Shepard look out!" I yelled.
She turned, but it was too late. The strong blast that he sent would have tossed a charging krogan. The crates behind her were blown away, but she wasn't. A barrier around her managed to protect her. In a split second, she pulled her gun on him and fired the shot that killed her stunned enemy.
That could not be.
I looked around for Liara, but she was too far behind to throw that barrier around Shepard. It could only mean one thing.
Liara saw everything but she didn't look surprised. She knew.
"They must be keeping the Chairman on the far side," Shepard said on the comm. "Move out."
I kept quiet. I even took her side when arguing with the extremists. I knew their reasons. Burns was an apathetic bastard, but he had political clout. This is not the way to get us L2s noticed. I think Shepard knew that too. Despite what I just found out, I took Shepard's side. The terrorists all backed down and released Burns. I truly hoped that he saw our side of the story, but I needed to see Shepard's.
I suspiciously eyed her: during the debriefing and the short injury check-up with Chakwas. She avoided my gaze. But I had to know.
Not minding protocol, I followed her to her room. When the door closed behind us, there was a moment of silence. She couldn't even turn to face me.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, suppressing the anger in my voice.
"You didn't have to know," she stoically replied, as if she had no remorse. "It doesn't matter now does it?"
It still does. To me, it still does. All we've talked about, all we've shared, was it all just a lie?
"If you have nothing more to say Lieutenant, you may leave now."
I left, not because she told me to but because I had to.
In my dreams that night, I saw faces: Rahna's, Vernus' and my mother's as I left her. All of those would not have happened if I had not been what I am. I would not have known her, if I had not been what I am. Despite everything, I still couldn't hate her.
As I stared at the clock bedside that said 3:00, I remembered everything she said. I remembered her story: how she hid from the batarians during the raid. No: she said she hid before the raid. She was afraid of something before the raid.
I just had to know.
I got up again. The mess was empty. Her room was empty as well. Where was she? Did she ever sleep at all?
I headed down to the range. Yes, there was light, gunfire and the sound of thermal clips falling. She was there, shooting the holos being thrown at her. When I entered, she stopped firing. She knew I was there, but she didn't turn to face me. She silently emptied the gun of thermal clips and put it down on the table before her.
"What do you want Lieutenant?" she asked, almost threateningly.
"The truth." I replied, coming towards her.
"This is the truth: I lied. Satisfied?"
"No, ma'am."
Silence.
"Because I need to know. Because I told you my story, I need to know yours."
"Why does it even matter?"
"I think you know why." By this time, I was only a couple of inches behind her.
She stared blankly at an empty corner. "I was lucky today. I didn't expect it to come and save me as it did years ago."
I followed her to the gym in the next room. She sat on a couch near one of the machines. I took the seat beside her.
She continued, "The time you killed Vernus, I was exposed to element zero. I am not sure how it happened. My parents only realized when I started displaying the 'symptoms.'"
I commented, "You make it sound like it was a disease."
"It probably was because my parents kept quiet about it, knowing the stories being told all around about children being taken away from their homes because of it. Some kids were taken away but I wasn't."
She smiled a bit. "I was the biggest nerd of my school. I topped my classes, but I got egged. A lot. Sometimes, I just couldn't take it. One late afternoon, a few days before the raid, got cornered in our schools lab. The boys who were coming after me cornered me in the lab. One of them broke my glasses. Another pulled my skirt and touching me in places that…I shouldn't be touched. I wasn't sure of what was happening, but I sure didn't like what they were doing. So I screamed. When I screamed, something suddenly just came out of me that sent them flying. One of them ran away, but the other one, he hit his head on a table and he…he ended up in intensive care and died a few days later."
"It was self-defense," I pointed out.
"To me it wasn't. I snapped. The boy who got away told everyone. That morning of the raid, I got a threatening note that they coming after me. Apparently the one who got away told several other people. I was afraid. But I wasn't afraid of them. I was afraid of what I would do to them. So that is why I hid that day. You know the rest."
I didn't know what to say. Here was a woman, a girl, who was afraid as I was. As she told her story, she didn't shed a single tear. She flashed the same stoic expression that she always showed to politicians. Was it so painful that she had to bury it all in? I wondered if I should take her in my arms and tell her not to be afraid anymore, because I knew that I always will be there for her. But no, she was pushing me away again just as I was again being drawn to her. Besides, there was protocol.
"Why did you have to keep it from everyone?"
"Because I didn't want to be classified as a biotic. Even after I got my implant. I only got that implant just so I could, you know, keep it in. I didn't want it to interfere with any future assignments or positions. I simply needed to be me, whoever that is to survive. You know how political the Alliance can be with biotics."
She sighed remorsefully. "I should have died long ago. I think I have died so many times that I am not afraid of death anymore. And that is why I get all these visions of death. Reapers. That is probably why the beacon chose me."
"It got me first, remember?"
"No, it was always destined to be me." Involuntarily, she breathed another sigh. Now that you know that I am a gigantic hypocrite, do I still count as human?"
"I think so," I replied. She was who she was because she needed to survive. I think deep inside, I admired and loved that about her. No, she couldn't scare me off now. "I will not run to any kind of cover from you." I slid closer to her. I said, "I'll still be there, you know, when it's all over."
She smiled. "I'm glad. I'm glad." I know that she was trying to scare me away, but despite this, I think deep inside she wanted me to stay with her.
I believe it was almost morning. No one was still around yet. She moved closer to me. She inched her face slowly to give me a light kiss on the cheek. I closed my eyes. I knew I wanted so much more.
Without saying anything else, she walked away. From that time on, I knew I would follow her, even to the edges of space.
