Hah, damn, how long did THAT take me to update? Thank you all for your reviews. :) You know I love such kind words rained down upon me, like some metaphor for rain.

Hey, kicking off the new year with a new chapter!

DISCLAIMER: I actually do own Naruto and all its hybrid crack baby fanfics... Hah, early April Fool's. I don't own diddly shit. :D

I AM THE LIZARD KING.


Zetsu calmly was walking throughout the halls. What a… interesting night it had turned out to be. He and the rest had left Deidara to his thoughts and solitude. Kakuzu was counting his money, Hidan was trying to see if he could stab himself up to the hilt of a butcher knife he had found in a drawer, Kisame and Itachi were doing something, Zetsu didn't really want to know what. He had no clue where Sir Leader and Konan were during all this. It seemed to him that they missed out on all the interesting things that went on.

He stopped at his door. "Seems someone has been through here…How could you tell? ...How could you not tell, you moron? ...Don't even start with me…" Zetsu's black half grunted irritably in response. He reached out his hand and pushed the door open. He had shut it after he left the room, as he always did.

Tobi never shut the door until Zetsu started making death threats. And that was each and every time that he had visited Zetsu in his room. Zetsu walked into his room, immediately scoping out a sulking figure.

"Tobi." He uttered. Tobi looked around, recognizing the voice immediately. "Zetsu…" He greeted. He looked away sadly.

"Tobi, do you mind telling us what happened in there?" White Zetsu asked as kindly as possible. Tobi said nothing. "Tobi." Still nothing.

"GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND SPEAK, YA MUTE FUCK!"

Tobi leaped up out of shock. "Zetsu! What the hell??" He asked while turning around, glaring at the plant man.

"No, I should be asking YOU 'what the hell'," Zetsu said, advancing towards Tobi. "What happened to the Tobi that would bound into my room, carrying a dead carcass and then telling me about his latest escapades?" He cocked his head slightly, trying to stare Tobi down but also putting on a 'best friend' manner as well.

"…That Tobi is dead," Tobi said quietly, looking away. He did not want to meet Zetsu's gaze.

"What happened to you, Tobi?" Zetsu asked, expressing care towards the manchild.

Tobi snapped his head to full attention, spreading his arms as though to gesture to the monster he'd become. "What happened is none of your concern, Zetsu." He growled. "This is me now, and I like it."

"Oh, come off it, you little brat." Black Zetsu snarled. "It is painfully obvious to anyone with half a brain can see that you're fuckin' miserable."

Tobi's arms drooped back down to his waist. He stayed silent.

"He's right, Tobi." White Zetsu nodded, almost sorrowfully. "I am very sure that you liked it, along with everyone else, when you were that vivacious boy." He paused. "Now. I will ask you again. What happened?"

Tobi took a deep breath. A hurried debate ran through his mind. Why should he tell Zetsu anything? Why would he care? Sure, he was his best friend ever when he was 'normal', but that doesn't mean diddly shit in the great, wide concept of the thing.

So he decided to play it off; it's not a big deal.

Shrugging, he said, "Shit happens. Heartbreak really fucks you up."

Zetsu was tempted to slap him. "What are you, Hidan? I have never heard you cuss that bad." Zetsu glared right into the hole of Tobi's mask.

"Like I said. Shit happens." Tobi said this so carelessly. With almost no emotion. He did not glare back at Zetsu, merely looked him in the eye. And just that look told Zetsu that Tobi just didn't care.

"Tobi, if you don't even want to be here, then why the hell did you come here?" Zetsu demanded. Mentally, he added, And Deidara was just beginning to act like his old self again…

"I got bored." Tobi claimed. Although that was a damn dirty lie. He got lost and he knew it. But getting lost wasn't badass. And Tobi was now under the classification of badass. "Man, why does anyone care that I'm back? You all act like its some big fucking deal or something."

Zetsu gritted his teeth. "It IS a big fuckin' deal, you moron…!" He snarled. "Tobi, you have no idea how badly everyone was depressed over your disappearance. No idea."

Part of Tobi wanted to believe that. Oh, god, how badly he wanted to believe that. He wanted to feel wanted, to feel useful again. He wanted to be a part of everyone's life.

But that other part. Damn that other part. That other part was like the devil on his shoulder. That part was what made Tobi feel the way he felt about life, the universe. Everything. He was the scum, no, the scum's shit. That was the way he felt, that, to him, was the way things were supposed to be.


"Oh my God." Naruto gasped. He was perched on a sturdy tree branch, hidden. The dark and utterly creepy dwelling that lay oh so very close, but so far away, just screamed Akatsuki. If they added a huge sign that said "Akatsuki Lair Here" with a huge neon arrow, that wouldn't have made it any more noticeable. He leapt down to his teammates, startling Hinata.

"Right." He began. He wasn't really sure what to say. 'Hey guys, this may lead to all of your deaths, kthnx'? THAT was encouraging. Not. "Well… Akatsuki's lair is just over there. It shouldn't take any more than half a day's travel if we move stealthily." The group was paying very close attention to him, a feeling of which Naruto liked. It made him feel all important and tingly.

"Now… I'm very sure that all of you know that Akatsuki is strong. Very strong." The group nodded amongst themselves in agreement. "I want to let you all know that you are all my friends. Thank you for coming this far with me. I… I really don't know if we'll all make it out alive."

There. He had broken the news to them. Although, they had probably known from the start that this mission was potentially fatal. "But," Naruto interjected the silence, "If we stay here for one or two more days, we can make some plans and… Hopefully we…" He didn't want to finish that sentence. Hinata looked horrified, and even Sai had looked at least somewhat downcast.

"That sounds like a great plan, Naruto." Sakura said, putting her hands on her hips. She had known the ultimate price that she and her friends could pay. The people around her nodded in agreement, and they all sat down in a Thinking Circle to try and figure things out.


Sasuke could feel it. They were getting close.

Although he had been ignoring his teammates for the past few days they had been nonstop traveling through the forest, even he at this point was feeling a bit weary. He stopped at a nice clearing, perfect for making camp. His teammates had halted as well.

Turning to them, he said, "We are close. Very close. We will set up camp here. We will rest. The Akatsuki are tricky, and we need to be very well prepared." His team nodded in agreement. They, Suigetsu especially, just wanted to sit down and eat by a fireside.

"Is that clear?" Sasuke growled.

Grunts of approval emitted from the three. Karin loved to hear Sasuke talk, what with that sultry come hither bedroom voice and that sexy demeanor…. What was I saying? Oh. Anyway… She loved hearing his voice, but at this point she was about to collapse.

"Good." Sasuke ignored the attitude his team was giving him. "I shall be in the forest around here. Do not bother me." More grunts. Sasuke rolled his eyes and walked off.


Naruto couldn't sleep. He was too worried. About him, his teammates, Tobi. How could he be so sure that Tobi was here? Maybe he was just putting his teammates in danger over nothing. Oh, GOD, what if that was the case. The Akatsuki could be Tobi-less and he could just fuck some of Konoha's finest ninjas over.

Shaking his head to clear himself of those thoughts, he got out of his completely unnoticeable neon orange sleeping bag. He needed to take a walk. Yeah, a nice walk. That would totally help.

So, on he went, venturing into the very green shrubbery. He noticed some unusual flora. He could swear that he saw a tree that had looked to have been chopped down… With a herring. Naruto made a mental note of that. He stopped moving around to try to get a better look at it, when behind him, rustling was heard, followed by a very loud and audible sigh.

He quietly turned around, trying to avoid any snappable twigs.

Too bad, Naruto. You cannot avoid the snappy twigs.

Snap.

Crackle.

Pop.

"Motherfucker." Naruto said through clenched teeth, as Sasuke ninja'd out from behind the tree.

"Why me…?" Sasuke moaned aloud as he saw the orange and yellow nuisance he loved to call Dobe.


Why, god? Why must this chapter be so bloody short? :( The shortness makes me sad. But, I suppose it's neccesary.

50 points for each movie reference you guys can find in here. I know of two i made, if there's any I didn't know I made, go for it. :D

Stay tuned for Chapter 13.

Or I'll eat your face. :)