Tuesday, 1 November, 1988

What a crappy Halloween. Honestly, I don't think Dad even tried. Sam really wanted to go trick-or-treating with his friends but Dad said no. I was angry, so I argued with him. I asked why - actually, I shouted it - and he said Sam was too young. I offered to go with them and supervise, but Dad said I wasn't responsible enough. That really hurt. I've been taking care of Sammy my whole life, because he won't. And now Sammy can't even go out with his friends? That's just mean, and stupid. Sam was pretty torn up. I slammed my door after my shouting match with Dad and Sammy came into my room later, all quiet and shy and sad and he gave me a big hug. He said thanks for offering and trying to help. I just hugged him back and told him that he was an idiot - I'm his big brother, what else was I gonna do? Then I told him I was sorry and he said that it's okay because at least he gets to spend Halloween with me. And he hugged me more. I kinda choked up a bit. Then I decided that my brother was gonna have a Halloween whether my dad liked it or not so I went and got his costume, and when Dad asked me what I was doing, I snapped that I wanted to look at the costume that my brother had made for himself despite the fact that he's five years old and that he only could because he'd spent his whole life having to look after himself, only relying on me, his brother, not his parents, and I'm only a few years older than him, and he only knows how to sew because I taught him how to stitch his father's bleeding wounds up, and he worked hard on it, so I was damn well gonna admire it and let my little brother wear the crap out of that thing all freaking night if he wanted. Dad didn't say anything after that so I just stormed back into my room. I helped Sammy into the costume (he was a wendigo, it was awesome) and then snuck him out the window and told him to come back to that window later without Dad seeing. I turned up the TV real loud so it sounded like we were watching a movie together and locked the door, which I figured Dad would accept because I was pissed at him. Several hours later, Sam climbed back in the window with a bucket full of loot and we shared the candy while we watched the movie. Dad knocked on the door later, looking all sad and tired, and then he saw the candy. He realised what happened and started screaming at me, and Sam hid under the blanket. I didn't care, so I stood right back up and shouted that he was a lousy father and that if he kept going on like this, Sam was gonna grow up hating him, and so was I. Then he slapped me. He looked real guilty right after but it hurt. Not the slap, that doesn't matter, I've had worse. Just that Dad would hit me. I was angry and confused and hurt so I jumped right up on a chair and punched him in the face and then I realised that Sammy was there too, he'd climbed out when Dad hit me, and then we started shouting at him and we were all crying and then he left and we slammed the door and stuck a desk in front of it and Sammy and I wound up hugging each other and crying in front of the TV. It was so incredibly crap, I couldn't believe that Dad would do something like that. I guess I know he didn't mean it but something broke yesterday and I don't know if we're ever gonna be able to fix it. I guess Mom meant more to him than we ever will. I just wish he would be proud of me for once. I try so hard. And I wish, more than anything, that he would be a proper father to Sammy. God knows he deserves it. That poor kid only has me. And I am not enough.


A/N: Apologies for the lack of updates! I wrote this ages and ages ago - I have heaps of chapters already written - but I wasn't fussed to upload it because I am terrible. I've also been suffering through an awful block so I can't get into anything to do with writing. Thought this appropriate because it's Halloween and after, so... Happy Halloween, hope y'all had a great one!

~FandomlyYours