Ginny: Oh my gosh, we're on chapter thirteen!

Aggie: Twelve, dude. Twelve.

Moolie: The authorities just called *sniff*. They'll be coming to get Donald in a few hours.

Ginny: Why?!

Moolie: Apparently, luring the authorities into your hippie van and then letting the tentacle that lives in your hippie van maul these said authorities is illegal. As well as owning a nonexistent species.

Aggie: Moolie, if you love something enough, set it free. Plus I hated the damn thing.

Moolie: *nods* Okay.

…………

Chapter Twelve: Gandalf Dies in this Chapter

The fellowship awoke and set off on their final leg of the journey through Moria. Pippin and Merry had found Sam's diary. They were currently waving around a flowery notebook bordered in pink felt with a light up pen to match.

"'Dear Diary'," Merry began in an obnoxious nasally voice. "'Today, we were attacked by birds. They ate the last of my sausages. Now I only have the gross Elfy stuff to eat.'"

"Hey!" Legolas cut in. "It's not that bad!"

Sam, who was in the front of the group with Gandalf, had not yet noticed that his diary was missing. And so Merry continued.

"'Frodo went to go hide with that girl. In my opinion, he's spending too much time with her. She's a bad influence.'"

Pippin started to laugh, but Merry shushed him by slapping his face.

"'I wrote another letter to Rosie today. I have no idea how I am going to send all of these. I have accumulated a lot now. I had to sneak some into Legolas's bag because there's not enough room in mine.'"

Legolas opened up his knapsack and dumped several hundred letters over the side of the crevice in the rock.

"I was wondering why my bag was so heavy…"

Merry closed the diary. "We'll just put this back where we found it. Same time next Tuesday, gents?"

He ran ahead and slipped the diary back into Sam's pack. At the head of the group, Gandalf abruptly stopped.

"I have no memory of this place," he muttered. Everyone else bumped into the person in front of them due to the abrupt halt. They groaned and sat down as they waited for Gandalf to overcome his lapse of Alzheimer's.

"Stupid Gandalf. Stupid lostness. Stupid Moria."

"Oh, give it a rest, Boromir!"

"But I need as much screen time as possible before I die!"

Aragorn smacked him in the face. "Shh, you're spoiling the story."

Frodo and Fado were laughing at Gimli and Legolas's braiding contest. The happy mood was quickly ended when they heard a taunting voice behind them.

"Frodo and Fado sittin' in a tree," Merry chanted. Pippin quickly joined in.

"K-O-Z-Z-Q-U-P!"

Merry looked at Pippin. "That's not even a word, Pip."

"It…it sounded like one."

Suddenly, Frodo went rigid. He pointed out to the rocks below.

"Fado, do you see that?"

Fado looked out to see a small, scraggly creature hopping across the rocks. She turned to him.

"We should tell Gandalf."

He grabbed her hand. "Come on."

As they ran to go inform Gandalf of the strange creature, Boromir and Aragorn were having a man-to-man.

"…So what I'm saying is, you always crepe the paper before pasting it in your scrapbook. Pinking shears also add a nice touch," Aragorn said.

"Wow, Aragorn. I didn't know we had so much in common. I mean, seriously, you like to press flowers, too?"

"When I have the time," Aragorn said. "You know, with the war and all."

"Oh, I'm sure the ladies love you," Boromir said.

"Well, actually, I did make Arwen a nice card for her birthday. She really appreciated it."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the group, Azimah and Nora were having a talk about…feminine things.

"…I'm telling you, Azimah, if you hock your spit really loudly, it flies even further," Nora was saying.

"And you have these competitions all the time where you come from?"

"Of course! It's our national pastime. My brother can even make a BA-DING noise when he spits in a metal bucket."

"Cool."

Gandalf stood up. "It's this way! I remembered the smell."

"Yay!" the group shouted in unison as they stood to follow Gandalf.

As they descended the stairs, Gandalf said, "We may risk a little more light."

Everyone stood in awe of hundreds of columns. Gimli turned and ran.

"Gimli!" Gandalf shouted, but the dwarf did not obey. They ran into the room after him. Gimli was sobbing near a stone casket.

"What's he crying about?"

"Shut up, his family's dead!"

"What does this arrow do?"
"No, Pippin!"

BOOM!!

Gandalf turned to see Pippin standing like a puppy with his tail between his legs.

"Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."

Pippin looked really sad, so Nora gave him a quick hug.

Just then, an ominous drumming was heard.

"I think something's coming!" Boromir called out.

"No duh!" Legolas exclaimed.

"Little ones, stay by Gandalf!" Aragorn ordered. Legolas helped Boromir bar the door. The whole fellowship stood ready for the attack until Gandalf went to inspect the door.

"What is this?" he said, knocking a spear easily to the side. "Typical Elf work! This wouldn't stop my granny with her Sunday groceries!"

A sudden BOOM! forced the doors open. Gandalf barely managed to jump out of the way. Goblins and a very nasty-looking cave troll plowed through the remains of the door.

"They have a cave troll," Boromir said, rolling his eyes.

"You're a little late, Boromir," Aragorn said.

"Shut up!"
Their arguing was momentarily stopped by a horde of goblins. Merry and Pippin (combined attack power: 20 AP) ran forward, waving their swords pointlessly. Fado (35 HP, 40 AP, 25 defense, 80 anger management problems) was juggling fireballs, waiting for a goblin to attack.

The cave troll turned to look at Frodo.

"Why is it always me?" Frodo groaned.

He scrambled behind a column, yelling for Aragorn to help him. Aragorn ran to his aid, but was quickly knocked down by the troll. Frodo ran to try to wake him, but his efforts were unsuccessful.

He turned to see the troll a split second before he felt a sharp stabbing in his lower belly. Fado turned her head and saw Frodo fall with a spear in his gut.

The nerve of that creature. Look, it's killed Frodo! Let me out, I'll show it a lesson.

Fado was too busy running towards the fallen hobbit to hear the voice. As she darted to see if he was okay, Azimah climbed up onto a conveniently-placed cobweb-infested chandelier and jumped down onto the cave troll, beating the crap out of it with the blunt side of her glaive. The cave troll turned and tried to swat her off his back. Azimah jumped off, but only after giving him a Wet-Willy.

Pippin and Merry jumped on the troll, even though they had no chance of defeating it. The troll swatted at them, sending Pippin flying.

Finally, Legolas decided to be all cool and kill it. After he had shot it with his arrows (and good looks), he ran to go see Frodo's state. The hobbit was fine. He was wearing Mithril when the cave troll had stabbed him. He opened his shirt to let them see.

"Why didn't I get one of those?" Boromir complained.

"I don't know why he wears that," Legolas said. "It's so tacky."

Fado reached out to touch the Mithril, causing Frodo to get butterflies in his tummy.

As all of this was happening, Nora went to go see if Pippin was okay.

"Do you want a band-aid?" she asked, holding up a first aid kit. Pippin nodded.

"It's Hello Kitty," she said as she placed the band-aid over a cut on his arm.

He looked up. "I love Hello Kitty!"

"This is the start of a beautiful relationship," Nora said to herself.

***

"How are there so many of them!"

"Where do they come from?"

The fellowship stood in the middle of the great hall surrounded by goblins. They huddled together, forming a circle.

"Uh, Pippin?"

"Huh?"

"You're facing the wrong way," Fado said, turning Pippin to face the goblins.

"Oh…thanks."

"This is it, guys! I just want you all to know that I love you!"

Everyone turned to look a Boromir.

"Didn't you read the script, Boromir?" Aragorn said. "We don't die yet!"

"Well then, what happens?"
BOOM!
"That happens," said Gandalf, gesturing towards the end of the hallway where a menacing red light and a groaning noise came from. "This power is beyond any of you. Run!"

The fellowship didn't need to be told twice. They started dashing towards the giant exit sign in the distance. Boromir nearly fell off a ledge that looked like a set of stairs. Aragorn ran up from behind and grabbed him before he could tumble to his death.

"We gotta finish this together, man!" he said to Boromir.

Nora, who was close behind them, turned to Azimah with tears in her eyes. "Their bromance is so inspiring!"

"Don't get any ideas," Azimah said as she pushed Nora down the stairs. Legolas, being the Elvish princeling he was, was the first to jump over a break in the stairs.

"Gandalf," he said as the camera got a great shot up his nose (no, seriously, check!). Gandalf jumped across the ledge and landed safely. Azimah was the next to jump across, and as Legolas started helping the others, she took his bow and began shooting the following goblins.

Fado was able to hover across, earning a round of applause from everyone, including the goblins. Boromir grabbed Pippin and Merry and leapt across, yelling random movie quotes.

"I have no regrets! For Narnia!"

Boromir, the fatty that he was, caused a large chunk of the stairs to crumble away.

"Sorry!"
"Boromir, you're totally not borrowing my pinking shears after this!"

Sam leapt across. No one bothered to catch him
"Help!" he said as he held on for dear life. The group was silent for a moment. Finally, Legolas sighed and helped him up.

Nora got a running start and launched herself successfully across. Gimli was next. He turned to Aragorn. "Nobody tosses a dwarf."

"I wasn't planning on it."

Gimli just ignored him, "No, no, I can do it myself!" He then proceeded to throw himself over the gap. Legolas stepped forth and grabbed his beard.

"Not the beard! I just febreezed it this morning!"

This left Aragorn and Frodo. The supports of the stairs were beginning to crumble.

"Lean forward," Aragorn said. After safely getting across, they ran for the exit sign on the other side of the gorge.

Suddenly, a truck with Peter Jackson and several people from New Line Cinema drove past them with a boom box, blaring the main theme of Lord of the Rings.

They finally got to catch a glimpse of the Balrog. It was pretty ugly. Everyone was across the bridge but Gandalf.

"Leave them be, they're not part of this!" he shouted at the Balrog.

"What?" Gimli asked.

"You see, the Balrog and I went on a dinner date back in the second age," Gandalf explained. "And she never really got over the fact that I left her with the check."

"It's a girl?" Pippin asked.

The Balrog let out a roar.

"I'm sorry, Honey, but you know how these things are!" Gandalf said to her. "Take me back!"

The Balrog roared again.

"I shall not let you pass," Gandalf said. The Balrog roared, seeing as it could say nothing else.

And then Gandalf shouted the most quotable words of the trilogy: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

He slammed his staff against the bridge and as the Balrog stepped out, it collapsed beneath her.

Everyone cheered. Gandalf turned around smiling, only to be dragged backwards by the Balrog's whip. As he clung to the ledge, Fado ran up to him to help.

"Gandalf!" she screamed. Legolas held her back. Gandalf struggled to stay on the bridge. He looked at the fellowship.

"Fly, you fools."

And then he let go.

"No!" Fado yelled, reaching to grab Gandalf.

'I can save him, I can fly,' she thought, trying to break free of Legolas.

"We have to go!" he said, dragging her away.

"No!" she screeched at him. "I can save him! I can fly!" But Legolas dragged her away and out of the mines.

Outside, practically everyone was crying. Merry and Pippin had a bromance moment, crying on each other's shoulders. Nora rested her head against Boromir's shoulder, crying quietly. Even Aragorn and Azimah shed a tear. Sam was crying too, but no one really cared. Frodo was walking off in no particular direction.

"Frodo!" called Aragorn. Frodo turned to show that he was crying as well. As he walked back, he noticed Fado sitting alone on a rock. She sat stony-faced and cold. She hadn't cried once.

"Get them up," Aragorn said.

"Let them cry, for pity's sake!" Boromir said.

"By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs," Aragorn argued as he picked up Gimli, who was sobbing loudly on the ground.

"Right then," Boromir said reluctantly. "Let us go."

***

Moolie: The authorities just came by and picked up Donald.

Ginny: Wait a minute…where's Aggie?

Moolie: *bursts into tears* They took her too!
Ginny: *runs out of the room* Wait! She's not an animal! She just doesn't bathe that much!