Title: If You Ever Have Need

Fandom: Merlin

Rating: T

Warnings: Slight violence and mild language. No beta. All mistakes are my own

Pairings: Mostly Merlin/Arthur friendship. Some mentions of Arthur/Gwen romance. No Slash

Spoilers: Through the end of season 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the world of Camelot. They belong to BBC.

Summary: When yet another creature attacks Camelot, Merlin is forced to reveal his powers. Unable to kill his closest friend, Arthur sends him away. What does that mean for their destiny?


Chapter 12: From the Edge of the Cliff

Everyone in the castle, save for the guards on duty, were asleep. Morgana slipped through the shadows to the stables. The note Morgause had sent was clutched in her hand. Excitement thrummed through her at the prospect of finally doing something about Uther's tyranny. She would no longer have to live in fear that her fledgling magic would be discovered.

Moving with silence born of long practice, she lifted the latch to the stables and opened the door just enough to step inside. Turning, she carefully closed the door behind her.

"Morgana?"

Gasping in surprise, she spun around at the sound of her name. Merlin was standing in a stall beside Arthur's horse. The dim light from the moon outside barely illuminated the stall enough for her to make him out, but somehow, she could. He was holding a brush in his hand and looked exhausted, as well as curious.

"I thought you'd left," Morgana stammered. She'd returned to her chambers after hearing that Arthur would ride out to investigate the farmer's claim. She hadn't seen him leave, but he never delayed when his people could be in danger.

He shrugged. "We were supposed to, but Arthur and the king got into an argument over which knights should ride out and by the time they settled everything, it was too late to set out."

"What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he said pointedly. "But you asked first. I'm out here because Arthur is worried and won't admit it, so instead of doing something to work of his nerves, he decided that I needed to take care of a foot long list of chores, the last of which being to see to his horse."

She smiled weakly. "That does sound like Arthur."

Setting the brush down and giving Arthur's horse one last pat on the neck, Merlin ducked beneath the beam that served to keep the horse in the stall. He walked over to Morgana, a concerned look on his face.

"What has you out here at this hour, my lady?"

Her lips quirk at the display of subservience, something that was so at odds with the outspoken young man who'd wormed his way into all their hearts. Well, every heart except Uther's but she wasn't entirely sure he still had one.

"I couldn't sleep," she said truthfully. "I thought to take a walk rather than spend the tossing and turning."

Merlin grimaced in sympathy. "Those nights are horrible and you have more than your fair share." He paused and bit his lip a bit nervously. "My mum...she used to make me talk about whatever was bothering me. It was sometimes a bit easier to sleep after that. If you wanted...I'm pretty good at listening."

As close as they'd come at odd moments over the years, Morgana had never really be friends with Merlin. It was something she regretted, especially after he did so much to help her when he first discovered her magic. Finding the druids just so that she could get answers had been dangerous. If there had been a way, she felt that she and Merlin could have been good friends, but propriety made it impossible. No matter how many lines she crossed, there were some she couldn't.

"Morgana?" he asked gently, when she remained lost in her thoughts.

"Is it wrong to wish that Uther wasn't king?" she asked.

Merlin looked taken aback. His mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Morgana felt her cheeks burn. "I'm sorry. I should be asking you something like that."

"It's all right," Merlin assured her. "Maybe we should talk about this someplace we're a little less likely to be overheard, that's all. I'd rather not be strung up for speaking treason." He smiled weakly.

Relief flooded her. She hadn't realized until just then how desperate she was to talk to someone. Despite the strange sense of familiarity she felt from Morgause, the other woman was still almost a complete stranger. Merlin wasn't. He was a friend who had been there for her before.

She made her decision. Morgause could wait.

"Follow me," she said softly. She spun on her heel without waiting for him to answer. She knew he would follow.

They didn't go far, just to an old secret passage that Morgana often used to sneak from the castle. It led to an alcove not far from her chambers. The few feet that separated the entrance of the passage and the discreet secondary door to her bedroom was completely obscured by shadow and the guards posted down the hallway didn't have a very good vantage point. Once they were safe inside her quarters, Morgana removed her cloak and draped it over the back of a chair. She sank tiredly onto the edge of the bed. After a moment, Merlin sat beside her.

"Is it wrong to wish that the king was dead?" she asked, repeating her earlier question. She didn't even notice the slight change in her wording.

A stunned look crossed Merlin's face. "What's going on Morgana? I know you've disagreed before, but this..." he trailed off.

"Is it wrong to wish that the king was dead?" she asked for the third time.

He frowned in confusion. "I would say that it depends on your reasons for wishing that."

Morgana took a deep breath and shifted a bit closer to him, turning so that she was looking him directly in the eye. "Merlin, you know I have magic, don't pretend that you don't. You have no idea what it is like to live in a kingdom where you can be killed for something you can't chose. So tell me, is it wrong to wish that Uther was gone so I no longer have to fear for my life every moment we are both here?"

She didn't even realize she was trembling until Merlin hesitantly laid a hand over hers, just to let her know that he was there.

"No," he said softly, "I don't think it's wrong to want to live in peace."

"Uther has killed so many."

"What are you suggesting, Morgana?"

"That the kingdom would be better off without him."

"That might be true, but surely you aren't suggesting what I think you are."

"I don't know!" she cried. "I just- I don't want to be afraid anymore. If that means-"

Merlin gripped her hand more tightly. "That won't solve anything! It just becomes a vicious cycle! Uther started this out of vengeance and vengeance won't end it."

"Do you know something about what started the Purge?" Morgana demanded.

He winced. "Yes, but Gaius wasn't supposed to tell me."

"Tell me what you can?"

For a long moment he was silent and when he spoke, it was with the air of one choosing his words very carefully. "What Gaius told me, it made me realize that, in the king's mind, he's perfectly justified. I'll not say that he's right, but something happened, Morgana, something we can't even fathom and it almost completely broke him. Magic had a hand in that and so he latched onto it as the cause."

Morgana's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Igraine?"

There had always been rumors that it had been something to do with the queen's death that had driven Uther to his slaughter, but no one had known that truth.

"Yes, but that's all I can tell you."

"I know that his loss was great, Merlin, but that doesn't justify what Uther has done."

"Gaius has implied that there was a need for some sort of action against the way magic was being used at the time," said Merlin. "With the death of the queen, it all came to a head in the form of the Purge."

"Are you actually suggesting that Uther is right? That he's justified?" Morgana hissed.

Merlin's eyes flashed with annoyance. "No, I'm not. I happen to agree that the kingdom would be far better of if he wasn't king. Maybe then Arthur wouldn't be attacked for the sake of revenge against his father every other week. I'm saying that he believes he is justified and you know what terrible lengths he would go to for this kingdom."

"All the more reason for him to no longer be king."

"What about Arthur?"

Morgana looked at Merlin in confusion. "We're not discussing Arthur."

"But we are. Can you imagine what his reaction might be if he were to lose his father to magic?"

Any retort she might have had died on her lips. "He'd be devastated. It would be like Uther losing Igraine all over again."

"Exactly," said Merlin. "Arthur has the potential to be so much better than Uther. I've seen him give magic a chance when Uther never would have considered it. He still believes as his father does, but that's only because he doesn't know better. If people would stop attacking Camelot left and right, then he'd see that magic isn't evil far sooner."

"You can't be sure that Arthur will be any better than Uther," Morgana whispered, hating herself for saying it, for thinking so badly of the man she called her brother in all but blood.

"That's not true and you know it," Merlin chuckled. "Arthur has already shown far more compassion that his father ever could. He saved the druid boy, risked everything for me when I was poisoned, went after Gwen when she was captured in your stead, and a hundred other things. Even if he never accepts magic, he will never be the tyrant Uther is, so long as those with magic do not give him a reason to be."

"I don't know if I can wait that long," she admitted. "I barely have control. It's only a matter of time."

Merlin seemed to think for a minute. "Gaius still has some of his books from before the Purge. I don't think he could bear to get rid of them. I think I can bring them to you. Maybe that will help you find some control."

"Do you really think that might help?" she asked, just barely daring to hope.

"It might. And, well, I know a bit about magic. Gaius has been teaching me some of the theory so that there's still someone who knows what's going on when the city is attacked after he's...retired. It's not much, or anything, but it might help you understand."

Before she could think about what she was doing, Morgana flung her arms around Merlin's neck. She was shaking again, but not with fear. For the first time since she'd started setting her room ablaze while she was asleep, since her visions had become so vivid, she didn't feel alone.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," he murmured, slowly returning the embrace.

After a moment, Morgana drew back, wiping the tears of relief from her cheeks.

"What about all the others? Uther will still kill anyone he suspects of sorcery."

Merlin's eyes darkened with pain and a boiling anger that Morgana hadn't even thought he was capable of. "There isn't much we can do. We just...we try to help those that we can. You challenge the king and sometimes, that makes him hesitate. Maybe we can try to save some of them. I'm not really sure."

"I'm not sure that I can keep doing nothing," she admitted.

"We're not really doing nothing," Merlin pointed out. He sounded tired. "There's something to be said for keeping ourselves alive, especially if it means we can help Arthur see the light. I don't mean to suggest that some lives are worth more than others, but if-" he stopped abruptly. "Gods, that sounds horrible."

"It does. But, you're right," said Morgana dryly. "I hate to admit it, but you're right."

"Just think of how many lives we can save if we show Arthur what magic is really capable of."

"I suppose that will have to do for now."

They lapsed into silence. Morgana was surprised by how comforting Merlin's presence was.

"I should go," Merlin said at last. "Arthur wants to set out before dawn and Gaius is probably waiting to give me a lecture on keeping myself out of trouble."

He stood and started toward the door, still speaking. "I'll bring you the books when we get back."

"Thank you, Merlin."

"You don't need to thank me."

"Yes, I do. What you're doing, it's treason. You could be killed and you're risking that for my sake."

He smiled at her. "That's what friends are for."

An answering smile spread across Morgana's face. Bowing his head slightly, Merlin left the room. She remained there on the edge of the bed for several long moments before slowly opening her hand and looking down at the paper she'd been clutching through their entire conversation. Morgause had nearly destroyed everything the last time she was in Camelot. Until just a few moments ago, Morgana would have been willing to risk that just for the chance to be free. Now, she knew better. Now, she knew that there was hope.

She swiftly crossed the room and threw the note in the fire.


"You would destroy the entire city?" Merlin demanded. His voice was muffled through the door, but Morgana could still hear him clearly.

She'd been hiding in her rooms, terrified when everyone started collapsing until she felt her magic tingle. Arthur and Merlin were back and they were in danger. Without bothering to think about it, Morgana had fled her rooms, allowing her magic to guide her to the throne room, where Merlin was apparently trapped inside with Morgause.

Morguase laughed once mockingly. "What reason have these people given me to spare them? They are complicit in Uther's murder and are as guilty as he is. If they die, it matters not to me."

"You would slaughter innocent people, and become no better than Uther, just for revenge?"

Silence, then, "Kill him."

Morgana fumbled with the heavy door, desperate to get inside. Maybe she could talk some sense into Morgause, she wasn't sure, but she had to try. Her hand slid off the handle when a pained cry sounded from inside. She felt her magic flare and the door swung open.

Relief flooded her when she saw that Merlin was unharmed. A guard, a man she barely knew was lying on the floor in front of one of the knights of Medhir. He was dead. Where he lay near the throne, Uther began to stir.

"It seems my spell is breaking," Morguase sneered. "But no matter." She jerked her head at the knight. Raising his sword, the undead warrior stalked toward the king. Merlin started forward, but Morgause raised a hand and he was held back by an invisible force. Realizing that no one had seen her, Morgana ran across the room and threw herself in front of Uther.

"No," she said clearly. "This isn't the way."

"What are you doing?" Morgause and Merlin hissed simultaneously.

She took a deep breath and the calm mask she'd perfected over the years of playing the perfect lady slid over her face, despite her racing heart."Killing Uther won't solve anything, I realize that now. This isn't the way. It will just beget more violence."

"This man has killed hundred of us. How can you defend him?" demanded Morgause.

"I don't defend him," Morgana snapped. "I defend this kingdom. I won't let you destroy Camelot."

The king stirred again. Someone hammered at the door, which had swung shut and sealed behind Morgana. With a flick of her wrist, Moraguse sent Merlin flying across the room and then she was gone, taking the knights with her.

That night, when everything had calmed down a bit, Morgana had slipped into Merlin's room. She found him sitting on the bed, his head bowed. She sat down beside him.

"Morgause sent me a note the night we met in the stable," she admitted softly after a moment of silence. "If I'd gone, she would have used me for that spell, wouldn't she?"

Merlin just nodded.

"The only way to save Camelot would have been for me to die."

He nodded again.

"Could you have done it?"

Merlin became impossibly tense. Slowly, he met Morgana's gaze. "I don't know. I was going to kill the guard, but I don't know if I could have killed you. Oh, gods. I was going to kill him."

"Would you have regretted it?" They both knew she wasn't just asking about the guard.

"Every day for the rest of my life."


Sighing, Morgana shook herself from her thoughts. Since finding out that Merlin was not only a sorcerer but the Emrys she'd heard so much about, that conversation and the events that had followed had taken on a whole new meaning. It must have killed him to say some of those things and if anyone could understand what it felt like to live in Uther's kingdom with magic, it was Merlin. She was slightly in awe of the wisdom he must possess to have been able to come to the conclusion that he would have to suffer Uther for the sake of peace in the future. Morgana didn't think she could have made that decision.

The door opened and Gwen hurried in, looking a bit breathless and red in the face.

"Did you do it?" Morgana asked immediately.

Gwen nodded. "I hid the staff under Merlin's mattress. All I need to do now is throw some of the herbs into the fire and he'll know."

"And the potion?"

With a flourish, Gwen produced a vial of Gaius' best sleeping potion. "I know you said you just wanted to get some sleep before Arthur, Merlin, and Sir Leon charged in to save the day, but what do you really want it for?"

Sometimes Morgana thought that Gwen knew her too well. "I'm going to slip it to Uther before they come. I know it's dangerous," she continued quickly, before Gwen could admonish her. "I'm not about to let Uther find out that Merlin has magic, not if I can stop it. He's helped me so much, I have to help him in return."

"How will you get into the cell?"

"I am still his ward and I have no doubt that Morgause will think that seeing Uther in such conditions will convince me of how unworthy he is to be king. It should be simple."

Gwen smiled and handed Morgana the vial. "Merlin is lucky to have you as a friend."

"He's lucky to have both of us," Morgana said briskly. "Now do whatever it is you need to do to let Merlin know he can summon his staff. The sooner we can get rid of this witch, the better I say. I'm becoming terribly bored with spending all of my time in my rooms."


"Have you found anything yet?"

That was the tenth time Arthur had asked that in less than five minutes. Merlin fought the urge to magic him into silence and replied in a monotone, "Not yet, Arthur."

"What is taking so long? I thought you were supposed to be some sort of prophesied magical wonder capable of doing anything. Shouldn't you be good at this?"

Merlin closed the book he'd been searching through and looked up at Arthur tiredly. "I am, Arthur, but at the moment, I'm not quite there yet. It was a bit difficult to learn magic in Camelot what with my duties and with it being an offense punishable by death. My instinctual magic is immensely powerful, but I don't know many spells. I'm pretty sure this is going to take a spell."

The prince looked suitably abashed. "Sorry," he muttered, nearly stopping Merlin's heart with surprise. "I'm just worried about Camelot."

"That makes three of us," said Merlin, glancing over at Sir Leon.

"Is there anything I can do?" Arthur asked.

"I don't even know what I'm looking for," Merlin admitted. "So unless you have some miraculous insight, probably not."

Leon sat up. "Perhaps you're focus is too narrow. You're looking for a spell that is specifically the counter to whatever Morgause cast, correct?" he asked when all he got was puzzled looks.

Merlin nodded.

"And even if you found it, isn't Morgause likely to be prepared for that?"

Merlin nodded again.

"Then maybe, you need something simpler."

"Of course!" Merlin groaned, clapping a hand to his forehead. "The simplest answer is often the best. I don't need a spell that is specifically meant for Morgause's enchantment. I just need one that is meant to cancel out other magics."

Arthur looked skeptical. "Will that be powerful enough to overcome Morgause?"

"Just because a spell is simple in its casting doesn't mean that it isn't powerful," said Merlin. "It's all about how much strength the individual is able to channel into a spell. I suppose it's like fighting someone who uses a lot of flourishes and fancy moves. A simple, well-placed blow is likely to do the job better than anything else. Morgause won't be expecting someone to come at her with something this simp-Here!"

He had been flipping through his magic book as he spoke, eyes scanning the pages quickly, but stopped abruptly, having apparently found the spell they needed. "This will do," he muttered before mouthing the words to the spell to learn them.

"Then we're ready?" asked Arthur softly.

Merlin looked up. The prince looked anxious. This wasn't going to be easy for him. It was in his blood to be the one leading the charge. Being the decoy went completely against the grain.

"As soon as Gwen gets my staff," said Merlin.

"Why do you need that?" Leon asked curiously.

"Two reasons, sidhe magic is powerful and compliments my own and the crystal will help focus and strengthen my spell."

Arthur crouched down beside Merlin and looked him in the eye. "You do realize that even if we save Camelot, you'll likely have to flee again." His words were strained. Apparently he wasn't as worried about not being in the thick of the fight as Merlin had thought.

He reached forward to grip his friend's forearm. "If it means saving Camelot and all of my friends, then I'll do whatever it takes, Arthur, even if it means leaving the city for a few years. I'll never be far away and you'll always have a way to summon me."

"Just promise me that you will get out of there the moment you can if my father-"

"Don't worry, I have no intention of becoming personally acquainted with the executioner." Merlin's lips quirked up into a teasing smile. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were worried about me."

Arthur scoffed. "Don't be such a girl, Merlin. I'm merely concerned for Camelot."

"Of course you are. You just don't want to admit that you actually like me."

"I thought we already established that I have liked you for some time," Arthur said quietly. "If I didn't, I wouldn't have spent the pest six months feeling guilty."

Merlin beamed. "Now who's the girl?" He immediately regretted saying that when Arthur colored in embarrassment. He'd been trying to lighten the mood after the prince's uncharacteristic display of emotion, not make him feel uncomfortable. "Either way," he said quickly, "it's good to know I'm not the only one who considers us friends."

Rather than actually respond, Arthur just clipped him round the head.

"Is the fire supposed to be doing that?" Leon asked suddenly, effectively breaking up the moment of camaraderie.

Warlock and prince turned to see that the fire had turned a deep purple color. Merlin smiled and stretched his hand out, whispering a word that neither Arthur or Leon quite caught. His eyes flashed gold and an intricately carved staff with a jewel set at the top appeared in his hand.

"We're two hours from Camelot if we travel quickly," said Arthur. "We can get there by nightfall. I don't want to wait any longer."

Leon nodded. "If Merlin would be willing, we could get there sooner with magic."

"I haven't really done that with anyone other my self, especially over any distance, and I have the feeling that I'm going to need every ounce of my magic to stop Morgause," Merlin said. "We'd be better off walking."

Arthur immediately went into action, pacing back and forth. "Right, then. Leon, call the girls with the mirror and tell them when we'll be there. Merlin, can you send as much of the supplies back to your village as possible? We have to look like you came across us while we were camped. We should probably only take the one horse."

"No horses would be better," said Merlin. "We should ride as close as we can to Camelot, and then I'll use magic to get us to the gate. Much more impressive and Emrys-like. Plus I don't have to worry about sending everything back to the village."

Leon, who had already managed to get hold of Morgana with the mirror, quickly relayed that. Morgana said something curtly in reply and then vanished from the mirror, leaving Leon with an apprehensive look on his face. "I think she's up to something."

"It's Morgana and Camelot is in danger," Arthur shrugged. "Of course she's up to something.


Author's Note: This chapter ended up going a bit off course, lol. I sat down to write it and ended up deciding that instead of heading straight to the action, I wanted to explore what happened to keep Morgana from going to Morgause.

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