This chapter begins immediately after "As You Were".
An interlude for a man with too much in his head and no one to talk to...
oOo
As You Were: What Is
oOo
Neal frowned thoughtfully as he wandered down the dark street.
He didn't know how long he had been sitting on the foot of Peter and El's bed. He certainly wasn't sure how long he stared at the picture. That picture of the team, Peter with an arm around Neal's shoulder wearing such a happy smile, so genuine, so … and somehow it hit harder, having everything concentrated in that little nook. The safe, which contained the important business; the picture of Peter and El, clearly his favorite, since it matched the one on his desk; and the picture of the team…
Frankly, he wasn't even sure if he really made a decision to leave. It all seemed totally automatic. Walking downstairs, patting Satch on the head. Checking the alarm, leaving through the back.
Thunder rumbled in the distance, and Neal nodded. It would just be the icing on the cake if it started raining on me… But after a few minutes the thunder, like everything else, left him. Alone. Even nature has a sullen opinion of me. He didn't even know how he ended up walking toward the park. Perhaps it was his subconscious steering for him.
The park was small as far as parks go, but it was a quiet bit of space within his radius. Away from people, away from work, away from everything he wanted to do but couldn't; away from everyone he wanted to talk to but couldn't.
Neal sighed and slouched onto a bench, letting his head drop back to look up into the dark. A few stars fought their way through the New York City lightspill, and he nodded at them, fellow travelers in the night. Far enough away that they can't smell the corruption, I suppose. Or they'd run screaming, and the sky would be full of falling stars... At least they knew where they were going, where they were supposed to be… he ran his hands through his hair. No matter where he was, he couldn't seem to get away from himself.
He almost had to laugh. Almost.
All his life he had considered himself some kind of loner. Yet here he was, alone… and his heart ached. What a joke. I guess I've been lying to myself for most of my life. Some loner. Moz had been there for him almost as long as he'd been on his own… then Kate, who he realized - if he was honest with himself - that he had clung to like a frightened child. And then there was Peter. Peter.
Neal shook his head slowly. Peter, who chased him for so long. Peter, who praised his intelligence and skill even as he doubted, and tried to redirect his efforts. Peter, who he felt in his heart that he could trust. Hell. I still trust him. But then, he hasn't betrayed me. Not the way I...
Working with Peter was like having an older brother who excelled at his job, and who didn't stand for you doing anything less than your best. He took a deep breath.
Then there was Elizabeth, who had every one of Peter's good qualities, and heaped on a share of her own. Peter made him a partner, but El - El made him family. Yeah. And obviously, Caffrey, you've had such great lessons on how to treat family.
And on top of everything he had been given here, there was Sara. Sara… The woman who knew what he was, started out wanting to kill him - and still seemed to care. Neal squeezed his eyes shut. You knew she would never compromise, Caffrey. And if she had, she wouldn't be the woman you know her to be. You're a coward. So you just pushed her away.
A woman walked past, stopped, and looked over at him. "Hey, handsome."
He blinked, lifted his head, and looked at her. Oh, boy.
She was petite but shapely, fluffy blond ringlets framing an angelic face. Her large eyes were brilliant green and slightly tilted, as if there was some exotic mix in her ancestry, or perhaps, a bit of elf. Full lips parted mischievously over bright white teeth. "You want some company?"
He looked again, taking in the short, elegant black dress and designer wrap. "No, thanks."
She shrugged, but her smile was cheerful even in its resignation. "Well, that's all right. I just finished up early tonight, the cab dropped me at the wrong block, and you looked kind of lonely." Glancing at a slim, silvery watch, she shook her head. "And now I have a couple hours to kill before I have to get to the airport."
"Airport?" He was curious in spite of himself.
Her head tilted as she looked at him. "That's right. Heading back to LA."
"Ah. Been in town long?"
"Just today. A … special friend flew me in."
Neal found himself grinning at her calm confidence. "Just for the evening?"
"For dinner, I'll have you know. It happens, when you're really good at what you do." She gave his entirely black outfit a professional glance and chuckled. "And as I said, you look lonely… but I have a feeling you couldn't afford me, anyway. Have a good night."
He barked a bitter laugh. "You might be surprised."
She stopped and looked back at him. "Oh, really?" Her lips quirked. "What are you, some kind of cat burglar?"
"Something like that."
She took a step toward the bench and stopped. Her voice was stern. "It's not drugs, is it?"
He frowned, truly puzzled. "Drugs?"
"If you do have money. It's not because you –"
"Oh. No. I don't have anything to do with drugs."
"Good." She walked over to the bench and extended her hand delicately. "I'm Ariel."
He took her proffered hand. "Hello, Ariel. And believe me, you are quite lovely - but I was serious when I said I didn't want any company."
A musical laugh tinkled in the night. "Sweetheart, if you could see your face, you'd sue it for libel. I know lonely when I see it." She sat down and looked at him appraisingly. "Don't worry, I'm off the clock. It just seems like a lucky twist of fate that you need to talk and I have time."
He rested his elbows on his knees, and stared at the sidewalk. "I can't talk. And I don't deserve anyone's charity."
"You can talk to me. Professional courtesy." She grinned. "Listen, I'm not from around here, I'll be gone in three hours and you'll never see me again. So talk."
Several curls fell forward as he shook his head, his voice a grumbling growl. "Nope. I can't talk to anyone. Not Moz, because he won't understand. Not Peter, because I've betrayed him, or at least he'll see it that way. Not Sara… especially not Sara."
Ariel smiled sadly. "Sounds like you've spent most of the day burning bridges?"
Neal kept his head down, seemingly engrossed by the way the grass edged over the sidewalk. "Something like that. Except maybe it's been my whole life."
"I see. So now, none of these former friends will speak to you?"
"No… I can't speak to them. I've got so many stories in the air, so many nearly-the-facts, that I'm afraid that if I relax my guard for a minute, for a second, I'll drop it all, and lose everything." His voice became hard as he spoke, so hard that it cracked. She let the emotion she heard settle before she spoke again.
Shifting so that she was sitting next to him, their shoulders brushing lightly, she waited until his breathing seemed more steady.
"So. Tell me about this 'Moz'. No, wait…" She paused, thoughtfully. "I think maybe you should start with 'Sara'."
"Listen, Ariel, I appreciate –"
"Shut up and talk, handsome. You know you want to. Start with Sara. You don't have to give me any background details. Just tell me what's hurting so bad today."
He was so tired. Emotionally, physically… and she was being so kind. And if he didn't talk to someone soon... "Fine. Sara and I have been… well…"
"I get the picture. What happened?"
"Let's just say that I… made a business deal she couldn't approve of. And when she found out, she left."
"Ah. That's rough, handsome. But she might come back."
"I doubt it."
"Can you undo the deal?"
He turned his head toward her. "What do you mean?"
"Undo the deal. If it was monkey business, and she doesn't approve –" her head tilted. "Ah. But you don't know if you want to give up the monkey business. It's what would let you afford me, if you weren't in love with her."
"I never said I was in love –"
"What about Maz?"
"Moz."
"Right."
Neal sighed, and turned back to staring at the sidewalk. "Moz was part of the… monkey business deal. And he's glad that I'm free to go through with it now, with Sara out of the picture."
"Ouch." She shook her head. "Doesn't sound like a very good friend."
Neal shrugged. "He's a good friend… just very single minded. We were working on this for a long time."
"But it must have hurt when he said something like that."
"Yeah."
She looked thoughtful. "So that leaves 'Peter', right? Is he part of the monkeying?"
The con man's sigh spoke volumes to her. "Quite the contrary. If he knew I was this involved, if he knew I was planning to take off…" He sat up, dropped his head back. "It would … I don't know."
"It would break his heart."
Neal jerked his head back. "What makes you say that?"
She gave him a knowing look. "Trust me, handsome, in my business you have to be able to read people."
He chuckled. "Mine, too."
"Well then. Trust me when I say I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. You respect this Peter. And you're as afraid of hurting him as you are of hurting Sara." Her head tilted. "Does he know Sara walked?"
"Yeah."
She waited for him to go on, and when he didn't, she smiled gently. "What did he say?"
Neal sat and stared. In his mind, he was in Peter's bedroom, breaking and entering, breaking trust – and his phone rang. He relived the moment as if it was just happening.
"Listen… I know you and I have had to keep things from each other… but if you want to talk… I mean, really talk… I'm here for you." It was all so clear in his voice. Peter Burke was not an overtly emotional person, but he felt deeply. If you were someone he cared about, he would move heaven and earth, or die trying…
Neal had tried to laugh it off. "Is this the loneliness of the van talking?"
"Maybe. Maybe. But I think you deserve some happiness. And whatever I can do to help with that… let me know."
"Thanks, Peter."
And remembering that moment, something in Neal's heart broke.
When he came to himself, Ariel's hand was rubbing slow circles on his back, and his breath was coming in deep gasps. He blinked several times as he sat back again, drawing his sleeve back across his eyes. She watched him carefully.
"And you want to walk away from a friend like that?"
He shook his head. "You don't understand. It's not that easy. I can have it all."
"Really. And what is 'having it all' for you?"
He sighed without realizing it, hearing the echoes of his own voice, echoes of what he told Jones so recently when asked the same question.
"Never having to worry about money. Doing something that's meaningful, surrounded by people I care about and respect… that's pretty much the dream."
Neal took a deep breath, and stared out into the night. Beside him, Ariel rubbed his back once more, and standing, gathered her things. "Well, handsome. I think you know, somewhere in there, what you really want. I just hope you have the guts to follow through."
He stood and pushed his hair back. "Listen, Ariel… thank you for listening."
She nodded with an easy smile. "Sometimes we just have to hear what we're thinking out loud. I enjoyed meeting you." She squinted at him. "You're a good man."
He laughed. "Well. Thank you for that."
"I call 'em like I see 'em." Grinning, she pulled her wrap closer around her.
Neal looked back and forth down the street. "Can I… walk you to your hotel? Call you a cab?"
The woman tilted her head at him, considering. "Well, I guess an escort to the hotel would do the trick." She smirked at her wording, and he relaxed.
They walked in comfortable silence in the New York night, and Ariel wrapped her hand demurely around his arm. It was quiet, yet all Neal knew was that he didn't feel quite so alone. At the door, she offered her hand once more. "Thanks, h-"
"Neal."
Her eyes brightened. "Why, thank you, Neal. Good luck."
He took her hand, bowed low and kissed it. "Good luck to you, Ariel. Safe travels."
Waiting until she was in, he waved goodbye; and putting his hands in his pockets, he walked thoughtfully back toward his apartment.
oOo
oOoOo
oOo
…please feed the author…
