PRECARIOUS: Syllabification: pre·car·ious Adjective.1) Not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse. Example: the situation is even more precarious this time around.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
There it goes again.
My head wouldn't stop with the pounding. My eyes hurt, but I wasn't sure if it was from the all-consuming waterworks or the bright florescent lights that lined the ceiling of my closet. There was no indication of time passing while I was in that closet, so I had no idea how long I had really been in there.
My mind consisted only of positions and the suits. I would stare at the space where the suits should have hanged and lean against the wall of my closet and then, when that position got wearing, I would move to a more linear position on the floor and stare at the space where the suits should have been hung until I would fall back into a restless sleep.
Empty.
Just like my closet, my mind was empty, and yet I never felt more in pain than I did right then. I should call Edward. I could call him and tell him that this was a huge mistake.
Don't do that, Bella! Don't be selfish!
But what if this pain never goes away? What if I am doomed to be trapped in my closet forever?
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
"WOULD YOU STOP WITH ALL THE POUNDING?!" I screamed at my own headache.
Call Edward. You just need to hear his voice. Once you hear it, the headache will go away. And so, for the first time in however long, I reached for my purse and struggled to find my phone buried in its depths. Eventually, out of pure frustration, I dumped the contents on the carpet and located the phone. I turned it on and saw that I have many missed calls and texts, but I was driven to find the one number that will make this headache go away. I dialed without thinking for another minute.
I held my breath while waiting for the obligatory rings and my hope began to fade with each passing one. But he didn't pick up. Instead, I was blessed with the automated voice message. I don't even get to hear his voice on a voice message. Damn him! He should have an upbeat message recorded for people to hear. Why didn't I ever get on his case about doing that? I pondered that for a moment and tried to think back to all the times I must have heard the automated message, but can't think of a one, because he always picked up the phone when I called. He never sent me to voice message. He was the best boyfriend ever.
Bang.
Bang.
Bang.
Why won't the banging stop?
I slide down to the floor once more and it finally seems that one prayer was answered. The banging stopped. However, as life goes, when one problem ends, another begins.
"Bella!"
My face struggled against the carpet to look up to the faces of my two best friends.
"The suits are gone." I managed.
Rose and Alice look at one another, each sharing the same concerned look.
"She really has gone mad." Rosalie whispered.
Alice crouched down onto the floor as best as she could for a women being round with spawn. Her five-month belly may not have looked very big on the average woman, but for her, I was amazed she didn't topple forward when she walked. Of course, I would never say this to her, because mainly, I would be dead if I had.
"How long have you been in here?" She asked quietly.
"I don't know. I…what day is it?"
"Saturday." She replied.
"I've been in here a week?" I gasped, struggling to get up.
"No." Rosalie answered. "We left you last night. We dropped you off at the impound lot and you said that we would go and get lunch today."
"You've been in this closet since last night?" Alice asked.
I nodded in response.
"You didn't eat anything?" Rosalie asked.
"No, Edward did the cooking."
"You didn't change your clothes." Alice stated, looking worried.
"Edward did the laundry." I responded. "Edward did the laundry…the cooking…the cleaning…he did everything. He was the best boyfriend ever."
I broke down into a fit of tears and wails while Alice tried to rub my back and console me.
"I just knew something wasn't right. You never answered the phone or door so we had no choice but to break into your house. Edward swore that he didn't fight with you last night, but I couldn't understand what would possess him to throw away his whole life in the course of a few hours. I mean he has no idea what he is doing…"
"You talked to Edward? What did he say? I came home yesterday and all his things were gone. I tried calling him but he didn't pick up." I said desperately.
Alice looked concerned and looked up to Rosalie for answers.
"What? What is it?" I demanded.
"Edward didn't tell you?" She asked softly.
I shook my head. "Tell me what?"
Rosalie sighed and sat down on the floor next to me, "Bella, Edward's gone. He left last night and flew to New Zealand and…we don't know when or if he's coming back."
I felt myself lean back, my head thumping against the wall with this news.
"Why would he go? New Zealand? What the fuck is in New Zealand?" I was beyond confused. Edward had never mentioned New Zealand to me before. No desires or ambitions to travel down under, and then he just up and jumps on the first plane at the airport available. None of this made any sense.
"I thought this is what you wanted." Rosalie said. "I thought you would be happy that he finally left your house and moved on. Isn't that what you wanted, Bella?"
I nodded slowly. The tears were beginning to creep up.
"But I didn't think he'd actually go." I wailed. "Oh god, what have I done? I didn't need to wait five or ten years to realize what a mistake I've made. I have to go after him. I have to go to New Zealand and get him back!" I pushed off the ground with more gusto than I've had in days. With a new sense of purpose, I felt like a new woman.
"Bella, there is a reason you broke up with Edward." Rosalie reminded me. "You'll just get back together and then see all the reasons you broke up in the first place. You can't do this."
"The hell she can't! Go after him, Bella. Grovel like you have never groveled before." Alice pushed Rosalie aside.
"ALICE!" Rosalie snapped. "This isn't right and you know it. The two of them are no better than before. If they get back together, we will be back in this closet in two months from now."
"You don't know that. They were meant for each other. Maybe this little break was exactly what they needed." Alice tried.
"Yes. Yes…this break has completely helped me to realize that love really does matter most!" I agreed frantically.
"Break? My chewing gum lasted longer than this break." Rosalie sassed, crossing her arms defiantly. "I absolutely forbid this."
I thought about it for a few good seconds. Mostly thinking about how I was going to get around Rosalie's defense. I took a challenging step forward and held my head up high.
"Thank you for your concern, but this is something I have to do. You don't understand. You already got your Prince Charming. I have to go after mine."
I left the closet and went to find clothing for my journey.
"And what happens when this all blows up in your face? You'll be right back here where you started in a couple months from now?" Rose tried again.
"Then you get the great honor of telling me, I told you so." I stuck my lounge out at her.
"Fine." She threw up her hands. "Go and ruin your life. I don't have to wait, I will just say it now, because I am that sure that this little half-assed plan isn't going to work, I told you so."
With that, she stormed out of my bedroom, leaving me with Alice.
"So…I take it that you shouldn't fly at this time, with that growing in you?" I asked Alice sheepishly.
"No…I could fly. If you had gotten me a month later, I might have had to pass." She began to beam, "Let's go get you my brother!"
I wanted to get this trip underway, but after packing, we had to head to Alice's to pack her a bag as well. Thankfully, owning a big expensive company had its perks. After explaining to my brother that I was still upset with him for talking to Edward behind my back and taking his side, I would need the company jet, and any rebuttal from him at this time would be met with much consternation for his future. He had the jet ready within the hour.
Alice and I arrived on the tarmac, and while the pilot was doing his final checks, Alice had been explaining to Jasper her reasons for leaving the country on such short notice.
"I understand, but this is about true love. If I don't help now, my dumbass brother and nitwit soon to be sister-in-law may never find love. Bella has finally come to her senses and now realizes that Edward is the one."
"Correction. I always knew he was the one. I just was trying to not be selfish and give him a chance to find his one, but I'm all over with that. I am going to be selfish. I want him and I'm going to have him!" I stated.
Alice looked at me questioningly. "Um…okay." She returned to her phone call and I returned to telling myself that this was for the best. It was the only thing to do and therefore the right thing to do. I looked out the window and saw that the skies had turned gray. I quickly pushed aside the possibly negative omen and refocused my attention on a car heading toward our way.
I watched as the driver pulled up right alongside the plane, and then promptly, the door opened to reveal a determined miffed Rosalie. I pushed out of my seat and went over toward the door, gracing the stairs leading up.
"Changed your mind?" I questioned.
"I still have a few days off before I have to return to the school. While I was at home, I realized that you put me in charge of your life list, and while I think that you are completely mental for flying all the way to New Zealand…it occurred to me that New Zealand may have the right opportunities to cross off more things from that list of yours. And while I think that this list is completely bonkers, I believe that everyone will be much better off when it's complete."
"Oh yeah…what kind of things?" I raised a challenging eyebrow.
"New Zealand has great waters to scuba dive in. Maybe some of the best in the world. Also I already downloaded this guide on places that offer hot air ballooning. They also boast one of the best places to skydive in, Motueka. You're on your own for that one, but if you need a push, there would be nothing that would make me happier at the moment. I will try to remember to wait until you are strapped into the chute, but no promises."
I pretended to think about her proposition for a couple of seconds before stepping aside and letting her into the cabin. Who was I to deny her passage when I knew I would need all the moral support I could get? I watched as Rosalie settled herself down across from Alice, and I don't think they knew just how much I appreciated them both at the moment.
The trip was going to be a long one. We weren't scheduled to arrive until thirteen hours later, and even though we had all the room in the world afforded to us, I couldn't help but be anxious. Of course, the worse part was Alice bugging the crap out of me, wanting to know what tattoo I got. She was like a dog with a bone.
I went to the bathroom after I had threatened Alice that if I heard any more on my tattoo, I would throw her out of the plane and she could tell me about her sky diving experience to better prepare myself. Skydiving. Not something I was looking forward to, but I must prevail. I was in the small bathroom stall and checked the lock on the door before pulling my pants down and checking on the state of my newest acquisition. There, just below my hip, my tattoo was still red around some of the areas, but it was coming along nicely. I shook my head, wondering why I would have this etched into my body for all eternity, but I knew that Edward would probably laugh when he finally saw it. I hoped it would bring him joy.
I closed my eyes, imaging the moment in my head. He would pull my pants down before preparing for some classic makeup sex, and give a small chuckle before kissing it. It would be perfect.
I shook the daydream from my mind and returned to my seat, my tattoo burning a smidge in anticipation.
"So do we have any idea where he went? Did he tell you where he was staying in Auckland?" I asked Alice.
"Not sure, but I figured I would call mom when I landed. I'm sure she must know."
"Bella, you're in charge of getting us a room when we land, and Alice, you find out from Esme where Edward is. I will be making reservations for our scuba lesson."
"What if we don't find him?" I twisted my hands in worry.
"I'm sure he told mom where he is at, and even if he didn't, she will call and find out. We will have you reconciled by midnight!" Alice assured.
But we weren't reconciled by midnight. Alice couldn't get a hold of Esme so we resided ourselves to the hotel until we could come up with a plan to track down Mister Edward Cullen. The hotel room was nice enough, but the walls were getting closer and closer together every minute that passed while we waited for Esme's call.
"Get your suits on girls. I have lined up lessons for us. I am not about to waste my first time here in some stupid hotel room." Rosalie jumped out of her chair and motioned for us to get a move on it. Begrudgingly, I went off toward my bedroom and prepared my swimming suit and bag for the day. I wanted to think about the list, but I couldn't when I knew Edward was so close.
I could tell that Alice was doing her best to try and find my new tattoo, but thankfully, my suit covered it well enough. We were on the boat getting a lesson from our instructor when I caught her looking me over.
"Would you stop?" I snapped.
"Come on!" She whined. "I flew all the way to New Zealand for you. Just show it already."
"No! But hell, maybe you'll get lucky and some dolphin will come along and pull my suit off from me."
"I'm not getting in the water." She stated.
"What? Why not?" I exclaimed.
"Because I don't want to get bitten by a shark. I know all about these waters. I've watched shark week for the past ten years, and there is no way I am endangering my baby girl boy."
Baby girl boy is what she called her baby lately, since she refused to learn the sex until the day of. It drove us all mad. Just because she didn't want to know, didn't mean we shouldn't know.
"Fine whatever. Are you ready, Rosalie?" I looked over to Rose who was basking in the sun.
"Let's go be shark bate." She replied, popping up in her tiny red bikini.
"Don't say that! You're just calling it on." Alice trembled.
We laughed and went over to the side and began putting on our gear. When I was fully dressed in all the approved gear, I couldn't believe how weighted down I was. My god, it was a trek just to get to the side of the boat. Our instructor helped us both in the water and then waited for us before explaining the process. Who knew so much went into this.
However, the world below the surface was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I felt like I was flying without the danger of smacking into the ground like skydiving might do to me. I watched as schools of fish were swimming all around me and the numerous colors of coral. I so did not get why the Little Mermaid would give all this up for a pair of legs and a prince.
A prince.
Would I give up everything I ever knew for Edward? Change nearly everything about myself so I could live in his world?
I felt a tug on my shoulder and Rosalie was giving me a what's up look through her gigantic mask. I threw the thoughts from my head and kicked my fins off to go and follow on after the instructor. The dive was only thirty minutes long, but I had wished it went on longer. Unfortunately, we had to return to the boat and we found Alice sipping a drink while lying out on the deck.
"So, how was it?" She asked.
"Amazing! One of the best experiences of my life." I replied.
"I have to do that again. Who knew your list would bring me such joy?" Rosalie smiled, pulling her gear off.
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news." Alice bit her lip. "My mom called finally, but she didn't know where Edward was staying so she said she will call back when she can get ahold of him. She also wanted to wish us luck."
"So I guess this means that reconciled by midnight is not in the cards." I sighed.
"Well…we still have tomorrow. I mean, I'm sure by tomorrow we will find him." Alice consoled.
We went back to the hotel and ate dinner at the restaurant downstairs. It wasn't much, but for my topsy turvy stomach, it was well enough. We just had to find Edward. I mean I know this place is large, but I'm sure Esme would be able to track him down. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, we will reunite, and I won't ever have to go another day without him.
Rosalie was deciding on what hot air balloon company to go with when Esme called Alice the next morning. My heart dropped into my stomach while I waited for Alice to end her conversation with her mother. I could see her writing down something on a pad of paper by the phone.
"E-K-A…next to Nelson. Got it! Did he say why he went there? He hasn't answered my phone calls. Please tell him I'm rather insulted."
I huffed and flopped down into the couch having little patience for Alice's inquiries. After a couple more crossed phrases, she finally hung up.
"Find a hot air ballooning place near Nelson. We are headed to Motueka Airport." Alice beamed.
Once more, the plane was preparing for final checks while Rosalie and I tried to pump Alice for information. Rosalie had reserved a balloon for the next morning since most balloon trips take place early in the morning. I asked her to reserve a private balloon for four since I was sure Edward would be there to partake.
"So he never said why he chose New Zealand." Rosalie said.
"No." She shook her head, "Esme asked, but he said there was something here that he needed to do. That we wouldn't understand, and he hoped we would give him time."
"So…we basically disregarded his one request." Rosalie replied.
"But this is different. He'll be happy that we did when I tell him how sorry I am. That…I'm ready for more of a commitment."
Rosalie shook her head and huffed. "Bella! I swear this is an all time low for you." She snapped. "You know, when I first met you, I couldn't believe how there was anyone more oblivious than Kim Kardashian, but you proved me wrong. You had no real concept of how the world worked, and to be honest, you disgusted me, because I felt that you were the reason why the human race would die out, but then you changed. I saw it! Edward saw it! Alice, your biggest fan, saw it. You finally were able to grasp that all your problems couldn't be solved with money. There was more to life than what you realized and I was proud of you for it, but now…now you have reverted back into this mindless, vapid, pathetic person who had every good reason to break up with Edward, but one day in the real world and you want to ruin both of your lives because you are being weak."
"I am not being weak! I just realized…" I began to shout back.
"Realized what? That suddenly you want to get married? Suddenly you want to birth his children? Oh please! Think long and hard about that, because you can't even look at Alice's stomach without grimacing. You can't even feel that baby kick or buy it an outfit without getting the heebie jeebies."
"Rosalie…" Alice tried.
"It's true! She always refers to it as a spawn or something other than a human and I know that it hurts you, Alice. And if you won't tell her, I will."
"Babies just…" I tried to find a proper rebuttal.
"Babies what?" Rosalie pressed. "There is nothing you can say, because a baby is the absolute most purest thing on earth. How can you say anything against a baby?"
"They're just so…small and…fragile. They…they're…" I scrambled.
"WHAT, BELLA. WHAT?" She screamed. "Why are you so goddamn scared of them?"
"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M SCARED OF THEM!" I screamed back. "I was once a cute innocent little baby and look how I turned out. God! Can you imagine the influence I would be around a baby? You said it yourself, Rosalie! I am mindless, vapid and pathetic, a lost hope for the human race, and I didn't get the perfect upbringing that you had. I didn't have a mother and I would have been better off without a father, and you really think I want to bring something into this world, something so pure, just to fuck it up? Do you realize what that would do to Edward? Perfect Edward who does everything right and is the perfect model of a human being? We all know if that kid came out and was a terror, it would be my fault not Edwards."
The dust from our argument was up in the air and slowly floating down to find a place to settle, while Rosalie and I took a moment, each of us unable to look at the other.
"Bella. Edward isn't as perfect as you think he is." Alice broke the silence. "And…besides, do you really think Jasper and I are perfect? We are far from it, and yet I still have faith we can raise our baby to be a decent human being. You're not a bad person…it doesn't mean your baby will be bad even if you were."
"Alice." I said quietly. "There are a great many things that scare me in this world…but when I look at you and imagine what you're life is going to be like in a couple of months...the pain you will go through. The endless nights of no sleep and dirty diapers. I don't know anything that scares me more. And it's not just going through that experience. I am scared of what my life will be like with a baby around. Your baby. What if I drop it? Say a curse word…so many ways I could end our friendship because I could do something unforgivable to your family."
"Well I'm going to prove you wrong about yourself. You just wait and see. I have a feeling about these things." Alice stated confidently.
Rosalie and I didn't speak to one another the short trip over to our new destination. Alice, sensing the tension, didn't try to bring us together either. Our long journey had obviously left us grumpy. The sooner we found Edward, the sooner things would be better. As I was preparing our driver with our luggage, I could hear Alice try and talk Rosalie into apologizing. However, it seemed to go about as good as if Alice had asked me to apologize to Rose.
There was still no way of locating Edward other than going to his hotel and waiting. With it being afternoon, Rose didn't think he would be hanging around the hotel. We called to confirm and she was correct. His hotel room phone rang and rang with no answer. We checked into the same hotel that Edward was staying at and I would have sat in front of his door room if Alice hadn't pulled me back to our room. There was no choice but to wait.
I would go by his room every hour, but he never answered the door. I was really starting to worry of his absence. I couldn't understand where he would be at three in the morning. I finally gave up hope that he would be there in the morning before we set out for the balloon. However, this uneasy feeling was eating me alive and I was left to toss and turn all night.
Where was Edward? How could he not be here? What if something happened to him?
Six in the morning, I was once again at his door as I began to bang on his door one last time before we were to head off. Rosalie and Alice behind me.
"I don't understand. The manager downstairs said he was in this room. Where would he be?" Alice asked worried.
"I don't know." I caught my breath, trying to keep myself from crying.
The door finally opened and we were met with one very wide eyed Edward.
"Edward!" I launched myself at him at once and gave him barely any time to catch me.
"What are you doing here?" He managed.
"Where the hell have you been?" Alice barked.
Feeling Edward's stiff body, I climbed down him at once and pulled back to read his face.
"Uh…I don't understand what's going on. What are you all doing here?" He asked again.
"Uh…Alice, why don't we go and wait for Bella in our room." Rosalie pulled Alice back by the arm. "We'll just leave you two."
We watched them retreat awkwardly back to the elevators. I turned back to Edward at once.
"I am so sorry. I have had a lot of time to really think about us, and Edward, I was an idiot. A real first rate idiot. I don't know what I was thinking but…we belong together. You were right, and now I see that. I want things to go back to the way they were."
Edward sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked toward the floor.
"Bella…I…don't want things…to go back to the way they were. We broke up and my recent actions were completely unintelligent and irrational, but I now realize that you were right. We both want different things and…"
"No! That's just it. I don't care about the things that I wanted before. I want whatever it is that you want. As long as you come back, I will…give you whatever you want. I will sign whatever…relationship contract you want."
"No. I don't want that. I don't want you just giving me whatever I want. That's not how a relationship should work. Neither of us should just give the other what they want. We should want the same things and I think you need to take some real time to figure out just what that is exactly. Look…Bella…I will always love you."
"Well, I love you too." I began to feel my tears creeping up, sensing a losing battle. "Edward…I'm sorry about how I've been acting. Please. Please."
He came forward and took me in his arms. His hands rubbed up and down my back.
"Please don't cry, Bella."
"Say you'll come home." I sniffled.
He didn't reply. I finally pulled back to see his face, and I could see the answer in his eyes.
"No." He shook his head slowly. "There's something I need to do. I need you to go home…and...find your path."
I shook my head emphatically.
"Bella. If you ever loved me, you will do as I say."
I kept shaking my head. He gripped my shoulders and shook me a little.
"Bella, go home! You and I are over. Go home!"
His sympathetic eyes changed. They darkened. He released me from his grasp and sighed, turning back to his room.
"Please." I begged.
The door shut in my face.
I pounded on the door. "Edward!"
I pressed my face up against the door and my tears fell down upon it.
"You promised! Please! Just give me another chance."
But the door wouldn't open again.
AN: Thank you for taking the time to read and review the last chapter. I have decided to finish this story before continuing on with Loathing You and Crossfade. Sorry, if you are interested in those but I think it's better for me to focus on one story line at a time for now. Thank you again!
Thank you soo much to my amazing beta Robstenvampgirl and your continuous work on these stories!
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.
