A/n: Once again, I apologize for the wait. Sigh. Thank you all for the reviews last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one. I know things are going along slowly, but next chapter is a big one (I PROMISE) so bear with me. I refuse to rush this story though. Anyway, thanks for reading! It means a lot :) (BTW-- my source for all the information on Astrology came directly from Astrology . com. Swear I didn't make one word of it up!)
"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves." -- William Shakespeare
"People in love get fast and foolish, people in love get everything wrong. People in love get scared and stupid. People in love get everything wrong. But at least they're not lonely." -- The Feeling, "Never Be Lonely"
EMILY'S POV:
Distance.
I can handle distance as in being miles apart from someone. I can handle it when it refers to running yards upon yards.
What I can't handle is the distance in his eyes.
When I woke up this morning and I looked at him he didn't look the same. There was a certain feeling in his eyes that I can't decipher, a certain hue that wasn't ordinarily there. He didn't smile. He didn't laugh. He kissed me before we separated for work, but I think he only did that because it was a reflex.
I didn't ask.
Not because I didn't want to know, because God knows I do. Not because I didn't care, because God knows I do.
But because I knew, if I did, whatever strength inside of him that was keeping the problem from taking over would unravel and that is the last thing he wants.
My mind obsesses over it.
His unhappiness bothers me much more than menstrual cramps, much more than a paper cut between two fingers, much more than anything else unpleasant on this planet. It's a constant gnawing at my heart because it's the knowledge that being with me doesn't make everything okay, and I can't do anything about that. It's the knowledge that something has happened that I don't know about that has changed him so quickly in such a short amount of time.
It's the knowledge that the only difference between New Zealand and Malibu is Caitlyn.
I parked my car outside of the dance studio and sat there for ten minutes. I didn't even fear my dance instructor's reaction to my week-long absence as much as Caitlyn, because she had the power to take away the only thing I had. What would I do if I didn't have him again? I spent so long waiting for him. I spent so long loving him without so much as a friendly word or smile to repay me. I spent so many nights crying because he had a new girlfriend. I knew it was pathetic, but I've always been persistent, and I told myself that if I didn't have him, I would never be happy. And by telling myself that, I made it so. And I suffered day after day, week after week, month after month, and the only thing that would alleviate the pain was dancing, so I fell into that more than ever, and it became sort of like a best friend. I had friends, but sometimes I felt like they were only there to keep my mind off him. I was in a permanent state of lovesickness for Cole and I have been since age 5. I loved him, and so I thought about him more than anything else and I honestly loved every single part of him, even the parts that I didn't know existed that I discovered at random moments. He didn't always make the right decisions and he didn't always say the right thing. But I loved him for who he was, not what he did or said, and it's very important to acknowledge the difference. When I look at him, I see everything he is and everything he will be, and everything he has the potential to become.
I see happiness. If I never would have gone to Virginia, if I never would have kissed him behind that island, if I never would have comforted him that day in the backyard, things might be okay now. He would be him. He'd probably be with Caitlyn, or maybe not. But he would be okay. I would be too. I'd never be fully happy, because I decided that that would be the way it would go, but I would eventually learn to partially accept that we weren't meant to be together, that maybe he was better suited with someone else.
But not now. It'd gone too far now. I wasn't even sure if I was really real beyond him and dancing. I don't know if I could handle him leaving me for Caitlyn at this point. Of course I wouldn't kill myself, but I might run. I don't know where to, but I wouldn't be able to stay in this town where we grew up. I wouldn't be able to go to family gatherings in see him. I wouldn't be able to go to Miley and Jake's house for Christmas and see him there with a wife that isn't me, with children that aren't ours. That I could never learn to no, no matter how strong I became.
The pain of that mental image pushed the thoughts out of my head. He proposed to me. He wanted to marry me. When he touched me, he touched me like he loved me. He told me he did. Why would he leave me for her? Maybe it's just a coincidence that he started acting weird right when she showed up. Maybe he's just not feeling well. That's possible. At least, I have to let myself believe it is.
But what if he leaves and it's because of me? Because I can't have sex with him yet. Because he's a guy and it's been four years?
Familiar guilt settled upon me like a too heavy blanket. No matter what he said, I was selfish. He could repeat that he didn't mind waiting a million times and I still wouldn't believe it, because it was not fair to him.
But I could change that.
Just the thought frightened me enough to raise my heart rate, but it wasn't as scary as it had been before the trip to New Zealand. He really did think I was beautiful and that should be enough. However, sex was always a big deal to me. Most people are nonchalant about it and say it's no big deal; it's just something humans were born with instincts to do.
And I wish I thought that too. It just seemed like such a giant step to me, a step that would change everything. I was afraid I would feel different afterwards. I was afraid that the moment I lost my virginity I might also lose me. It's just the thought of someone literally being inside of your body…why don't people see how big of a deal that is? You can't get more intimate than that. It's like you're actually morphing into one person. I wasn't afraid to be one person with Cole, because we were already like one person. I wasn't afraid it would hurt, because I know he knows what he's doing. I'm not scared of the idea because I'm not physically attracted to him, because I definitely am. I'm scared because I don't want him to see me and realize I'm not as beautiful as he thought. I don't want to feel different. I don't want this to change our relationship. I don't want to lose him by giving him what he wants.
What I needed was to talk to him about all of this. I needed to explain all of this to him, he needed to know and understand. But it was so hard to get the words out from under that heavy blanket.
I lifted my forehead off the steering wheel and I almost had a heart attack. Missing for a week and tardy today. I'm so getting kicked out.
I threw open the door and grabbed my bag. I slammed the door shut and locked the doors as I ran up the steps. I punched in my birthday and the door swung open, admitting me in the freezing, dim building. I ran down the hallways and into the dressing room. I tore my tennis shoes off as I hopped over to the bench. I sat down and finished pulling them off. I yanked my bag open and pulled my ballet shoes out, beginning the daunting task of putting them on.
"She's not here today."
I jumped and glanced up. A girl I had never seen in my life was leaning against the sinks. She had the mandatory practice outfit on—leotard, tights, ballet shoes, hair in a bun—and earphones in her ears. She grabbed her iPod off the side of the sink and paused her music. She pulled the earphones out and smiled at him. She set her hands on the edge of the sink and pushed herself into a standing position. She walked over and sat beside me, offering me her hand to shake. I grasped it.
"I'm Angie Thomaston." She smiled even wider. Her teeth were so white it was astonishing.
"I'm Emily Oken. The dance instructor isn't here today?" I asked nervously, clarifying before I completely let myself relax. She nodded. Her hair was redder than any hair I'd ever seen before, and she was very pretty. She had large, gray eyes that were outline with black eyeliner and a movie star mole right above her lip. She also had a small nose ring, which partially shocked me because the instructor hardly ever let us wear jewelry of any kind, especially not nose rings. But what shocked me more than anything was how curvy she was. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't like all the other girls who were thin from the top of their heads to their toes. And it was so rare to see that in a ballerina. I had felt bad because my body wasn't the way I always thought it had to be to be a ballerina—perfectly long and straight, almost like a pole, but very flexible—but here was this girl, who was also a ballerina, but didn't look anything like they always said you had to. I envied her confidence.
Angie was still grinning like she had never been unhappy in her entire life. "Yeah, her sister had a baby so she's with her at the hospital. So you can totally chillax. You must be the girl that's been gone for a week. I'm a new dancer. I took Toni's spot." She explained.
Toni left a month ago because she was pregnant.
"That's great! To both things. I just wish you could have been here when we had our former instructor. She was fantastic. People need to stop popping out children." I laughed. My back unclenched and I pulled my ballet shoe off and placed it back in my bag. Something about Angie was extremely magnetic. She was very charismatic and her happiness and confidence radiated onto me.
Angie laughed loudly. "I completely agree with you! The first thing that lady told me was that I needed to lose my butt or it would hold me back."
Of course.
"What'd you say?" I asked.
She grinned even wider. "I told her it's never held me back in my life before, and it wasn't about to start now. And then I proceeded to dance circles around her—literally. She hasn't said a word to me about it since."
I laughed along with her this time, feeling a bit like a new child exposed to a brand new world. Maybe things didn't have to be the way the instructor always said. Maybe it's possible for all of us to have different body types but still be able to dance beautifully. It gave me hope and made me feel like, for once; maybe it was okay to be me. Maybe I was good enough for this just the way I was.
"Well, I'm glad you put her in her place. God knows she needed it. She's been a freaking nightmare. Literally." I shuddered. Angie had a thoughtful expression on her face.
"I like you, Emily. You're the only one in this entire building who isn't stuck up that woman's rear. Everyone else sucks up to her and stares at me like I'm a freak because the nose ring and my boobs. You're refreshing."
I smiled. "Thanks, I could say the same for you. The girls are nice, but they aren't very…"
"Real?" She supplied.
"Yeah. Don't worry about them, though. Everyone here is really obsessed with bodies." But sitting here beside Angie, I couldn't even remember exactly why that was.
"Oh don't worry; I don't let them get to me. They can call me fat all they want, but at the end of the day I'm the one picking up more men."
She glanced at my hands.
"Speaking of men…is that an engagement ring I spy?"
I blushed and once again my thoughts were back on Cole. I couldn't help but smile.
"Yeah."
She motioned for my hand and I gave it to her. She inspected the ring.
"Oh my sweet Lord in Heaven, who are you marrying? Tiger Woods?" She gave me my hand back.
"Nah, Tiger and I divorced last year. It didn't last very long…after the wedding I found him in bed with all the bridesmaids." I joked. "I'm marrying Cole Ryan."
She appeared thoughtful. "I have heard that name before, but I can't put a finger on him. Help?"
I smiled and straightened my ring. "Jake Ryan's son."
She snapped. "Yes! That's right. How'd you manage that, girl? Is it a romantic story? I love those. Did he see you in the park, become captivated by your beauty, and run across it and demand to buy you an ice cream?!" She suggested enthusiastically.
In my head, I saw a cheesy scene in which he ran slow motion toward me and I couldn't help but burst out in laughter. "No, no, nothing like that. We've known each other since we were born. We grew up together and, well, hit it off I suppose." I explained.
She smiled. "That's so cute. How in the world did you grow up with Jake Ryan's family though?"
Everyone is always so surprised to hear I know their family.
"My dad and Miley are best friends and have been for many years." I clarified.
"Pardon my language, but that's pretty freaking awesome!" She exclaimed enthusiastically.
Her language? She should hear the way Cole and I talk…
"Yeah I guess. They're just family to me though." The best part about knowing them was knowing Cole.
"You're interesting." She said. She stared at me with her gray eyes and I wasn't sure how to respond that.
"Thanks, I guess." I said.
She laughed, "No, it's a good thing. Are you a Virgo?"
Random. "No, I'm a Pisces." I laughed.
"You seem like you'd be a Virgo. What's Cole?" She asked.
"Leo."
She grinned. "Interesting match. Want to hear your compatibility? I'm big on astrology."
"Sure!" I said excitedly. Anything involving Cole and I together made me happy.
She pulled her legs under her and pulled her bun out. Her red hair was very short and only went to her jaw line. She used her fingers to brush through it and I couldn't imagine how the hair didn't get caught with all the rings on her fingers.
"The most important thing about Leo and Pisces is that you each bring new views to each other. Leos are naturally assertive and strong while Pisces are generally more reserved and quiet. But you two balance each other out nicely, am I right? You're both totally dreamers though, which is something that's good about both Leo and Pisces. Because Leos are natural leaders, they are usually the dominant in the relationship. Pisces tend to give themselves totally and completely over to their romantic partners and the kind heart of a Pisces allows them to know Leo in a way many other signs don't. Leo alone can be considered cocky and egocentric, and Pisces alone can be very shy, but together they make each other very balanced. Leo is ruled by the Sun and Pisces is ruled by Neptune, which basically means that Leo can help Pisces turn their dreams into reality, and Pisces can help Leo by inspiring them to channel their sometimes abrupt and selfish actions into a creative outlet. Pisces women are often times muses for artists and inspire creative things. However, there can be problems when these two join too. Leo is a Fire sign and Pisces a Water sign. Pisces can be too emotional and Leo can be too passionate, each resulting in the other feeling emotionally worn out. Balance is the key here. Pisces find it impossible to be the boss and feel their best when they are helping others. Leo, on the other hand, can be high maintenance, which usually is good for Pisces, but could cause issues in the relationship if there isn't communication." She finished with her eyes shining with excitement.
I wasn't sure what to say. "That's pretty damn cool." I finally settled with.
And a little unsettling. How could that be so accurate? I always assumed Astrology was bullshit, but that was just…weird.
"What about Leo and, say, a Scorpio?" I asked quickly. Caitlyn was a Scorpio.
Angie flinched. "Gross! That's a Leo's worst possible match. They'll both try to lead, for one. For two, Leo is ruled by the Sun which radiates warmth and light, and Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto, which are all about war and battle. And they're both way too opinionated. Scorpio would never back down in a fight because they'd totally think that meant they were weak, and that's a Scorpio's worst fear. Overall trainwreck, if I'm being honest. Does Cole have an ex who is a Scorpio?"
Maybe there is truth to this Astrology stuff. I'm starting to like it.
"Yeah." I admitted.
She smiled and patted my shoulder. "Well, don't worry. Totally won't work out according to the stars."
I hope the stars are correct.
Angie and I talked until the day was over. She was really fun to be around and I was almost positive we were going to be great friends.
Once dance let out, all the other girls filed into the changing room. Some flitted into the showers and some went to their lockers, but three walked over to me.
I smiled, "Hi guys!"
The smile quickly disappeared when they glared.
"We don't appreciate what your boyfriend did, Emily. The instructor criticizes us too, but we don't get our boyfriends to threaten her and her cat's life. I think that's ridiculous. You aren't too good to get criticized. I'll have you know the instructor feels very bad for what she said and she's scared for her life and job because of him."
The other two nodded and I simply stared.
"Excuse me?" I finally asked. What are they talking about?
"Don't play dumb, Emily. It doesn't work." They walked off and I sat there, staring after them in confusion. I looked at Angie.
"If I cussed, I'd have a lot to say right now. But seeing as I don't, I'm just going to glare at them venomously." She announced.
And true to her word, she glared harshly at them. They avoided her eyes as if they were scared of her.
"I honestly don't know what they're talking about," I admitted to her, praying she believed me and that she could explain it to me.
"I don't either, Emily. I wouldn't worry about it." She comforted.
Sharon sat down on my other side.
"They don't know you guys were out of the country. Here." She handed me a copy of Star magazine, opened to a page with a picture of me and Cole on it. What the hell?
I read the entire article and felt something stirring inside of me.
He didn't tell me that he did that. He didn't tell me he talked to her. He admitted he knew what she did, but I just assumed he knew that because he had deduced it from my behavior. And it bothered me.
"I didn't know," I whispered to Sharon. "But he didn't say all that. He wouldn't. She's just making it up."
Sharon shrugged. "I'm neutral. But watch out tomorrow. You're most definitely not her favorite person. I think she's going to kick you out."
I felt like everything inside of me stopped working, lungs and heart included.
"What? Why? Because Cole talked to her?" I breathed incredulously.
"She'll probably say it's because you were missing for a week and therefore left behind. But she's pissed off." Sharon stood up.
"We all need to double date again soon! I'll call you later and we can work something out."
I stared forward, my mind and body automatically shutting down as it did when unpleasant things shocked me.
I nodded numbly and she walked away.
I didn't want to be kicked out. I wanted to dance; I wanted to do it the rest of my life. I wanted to be somebody on that stage, so maybe the nobody I was in real life would be okay. I existed for others in my personal life, but when I was dancing, I existed for myself. I was selfish and it was okay, because I was entertaining and making art. For once, I didn't have to be nice. I wanted to make up for myself with my dancing. And now I couldn't do that.
Angie slung an arm over my shoulder as if we'd known each other our entire life.
"Eh, she won't kick you out. She secretly thinks you're the best." Angie squeezed my shoulders and stood up. I tore my gaze away from the wall and glanced at her as she gathered her stuff.
"Why do you think that?" I asked. She couldn't think that. She thought I was scum.
Angie stopped and looked back at me, a kind smile on her face.
"Because the people we hate the most are the ones we're threatened by."
She swung the bag onto her shoulder and left the room, and I couldn't help but think about Caitlyn and agree that perhaps Angie was right.
I gathered my stuff and left a few minutes after Angie did. I went out the front door this time instead of the back, mostly because all the other girls were going out the back and I didn't want to feel their anger. Something inside of me wasn't right and I felt strange and off. I couldn't place what was wrong. It wasn't until my phone rang that I realized it.
I was angry at Cole.
The feeling was so alien to me. We'd only gotten in one real fight in all the years we've been together, and that was in our junior year of high school over something stupid. But I felt right now that I really could scream at him. Why did he have to go and mettle with all this? Why'd he have to go talk to her? He just made everything worse. Now I'm going to get kicked out. Now I'm going to be hated even more. Why couldn't he just let it be?
I ignored his call because I couldn't yell at him. It would break my heart to yell at him. I needed to calm down and get a grip of myself before I talked to him.
He sent me a text a few seconds after the missed call.
My grandmother wants us to meet at her house ASAP.
I didn't particularly like Alana and I didn't want to go there, but I didn't feel like I had much of a choice.
I exited the building and the sunshine was so warm I stopped in my tracks to feel it. I loved the sunshine. It was a perfect beach day.
"Emily?"
I turned around and everything seemed to pause.
My mother hesitantly took a step forward. She wrung her hands together nervously. She was wearing a t-shirt and I could see each of her ribs through it.
What bothered me the most about her was that a part of me was jealous of how terribly she'd destroyed her body. And it bothered me that I was jealous of that. I wanted the ability to change my body, to morph it that extremely. But at the same time I didn't want to end up like her. I wasn't sure what I felt for her anymore. After I screamed at her, I felt a little bad for it. It's just so hard to forgive her for all the years. She hurt me a lot more than I'd ever admit.
"I know you said you never wanted to see me again," she whispered. Her hands were shaking and she looked so nervous that I was feeling nauseous on her behalf, "but I just wanted to give you something."
Her shaking hand extended and she placed a heavy envelope in my palm. I grasped my fingers around the edge of it and accepted it. I felt the same feeling of nervousness as her as I pried my finger under the flap. She couldn't give me back the years, but how I wished that she could.
I opened the envelope.
I pulled out the contents.
Nineteen birthday cards.
And suddenly my hands were shaking too, and the sun felt a lot hotter than it had before. I grasped the first on the top of the stack. And opened it.
Happy first birthday, Emily! I love you. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to hear you say your first word or watch you take your first steps, but once I work things out, I'll be there. It gives you time to perfect it. I love you so much. I really do. I'm so sorry. I'm your mother no matter where I am, and that is what keeps me going.
My heart hurt. Pressure built in the back of my throat and my eyes burned. I opened the next in the stack.
I love you. I'll be there as soon as I can. Can you ride a tricycle yet? When I come home, we will be able to go to the park and ride like me and my mother used to do. I love you.
I could feel her eyes on me and I knew she was crying. I pulled one from the middle of the stack.
Happy thirteenth birthday. You are beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you different. Your grandmother sent me a picture of you. Don't tell your dad. You are the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in my entire life. I love you. I promise I'm coming soon. I just have to clean myself up.
I pushed the cards back in the envelope. The burning in my eyes increased until they began to water. I took a deep breath. Why hadn't she ever sent these to me? Why hadn't she ever called me and told me these things? Maybe all I needed growing up was to hear my mother say she loved me, and that I was beautiful. Maybe if I had had that growing up I would feel better now.
"Why didn't you send them?" I finally asked.
She wiped her eyes and her shoulders seemed to sag as if the weight of the world had settled on them.
"Because I lied in every single one. I wasn't coming home soon."
And she was crying harder than I had ever seen anyone cry in my entire life. Her body folded into itself and her shoulders shook violently and it was like she couldn't breathe. I was glued to the ground, with that hot, hot sun burning my scalp uncomfortably, and my warm tears making my face even hotter. The pain in my heart increased and I found it almost impossible that my mother's pain made me hurt, because she was practically a stranger.
I moved forward and wrapped my arms around her like she should have wrapped her arms around me. I set a hand on her head and let her cry on my shoulder like she should have done for me when I was twelve and my best friend decided I wasn't cool enough. I told her it was okay, just like she should have told me when I was fourteen and Cole was dating my best friend instead of me.
"You are my beautiful daughter and I have always loved you." She sobbed into my shoulder. The pain in my heart lessened substantially.
Maybe that was all I had really needed all along.
My mother.
COLE'S POV:
There are good things in life, like sex and food and sex with whipped cream and chocolate.
And there are bad things in life, like annoying ass grandmothers who bitch at you nonstop for not putting on sunscreen every damn time you leave the fucking house.
Needless to say, today I was enduring the bad and not the good. Fuck my life. My day starts out fucking terrible with that stupid Caitlyn on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about that dream. I even painted it now. And it bothered me so much I could hardly focus on anything today. I didn't want to cheat on Emily, but I was so afraid I would. I was afraid I was falling out of love with her and in love with Caitlyn. Why else would it be so hard to get that dream out of my mind?
"Are you here yet?" My grandmother complained. Unfortunately, I was driving up the driveway. But I would have given all the money left over from New Zealand to disappear and suddenly be somewhere completely different.
"Yes, Grandmother. I'm pulling in." I sighed into the phone. She hung up and I did the same.
I put the car in park behind my mother's and turned it off. I set the keys in my lap and considered leaving. But it was a little too late for that, unfortunately. Damn.
I climbed out of my car and Emily pulled in. I shut the door and leaned against my car, waiting for her. She parked and turned her car off and climbed out. She was still in her dance stuff but her hair was down. It seemed as if it'd gotten even longer since yesterday. It went a little past her elbows now. I loved the curls. I never understood why some guys hated curly hair.
I smiled at her. Of course I still loved her. My stomach still jumped at the sight of her and that reassured me. Fuck Caitlyn. I'm just obsessed with the dream because it was weird.
I stood up from the car.
She walked right past me.
My stomach slowly sank to my toes, like a rock disappearing into mud.
"Emily?" I asked. She stopped walking but didn't turn around. I hesitantly walked up to her. I touched her arm.
She turned around and she looked mad.
Shit. Fuck. Had my mother told her what I said today? I didn't mean that. I was just shaken up because of the way my mind was obsessing over that. I wouldn't cheat on Emily. I wouldn't.
Right?
"Emily, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I begged. Her eyebrows lowered a bit and her nose scrunched up in confusion.
"What?" She asked.
I faltered.
"Why are you mad at me?" I asked.
She turned away from me.
"I don't know if I am. I just…Cole, why did you talk to her? Did you not think I could handle it myself? Now everyone hates me, and she's going to kick me out."
Oh. This was about that bitch. She was going to kick Emily out of dance because of what I said?
My stomach fell even further down, so it was pressed against my toenails.
"Emily…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen…I just heard the way she treated you, and it hurt you so much, and I just—"
She interrupted me.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore." Her voice was soft and I could hear how difficult it was for her to keep from losing her temper.
She entered the house and I followed her, feeling more and more like shit with every step I took. I didn't want to fight with her. I didn't want us to be on bad terms. I just wanted to hold her and I wanted things to go back to the way they were before I had that dream. I wanted to not want to take drugs. I wanted to be everything I should be.
"C!!" Adeline called happily. She and Odette were sitting with my grandfather putting together a puzzle. Alana was standing stiffly by the fireplace, and my mother was sitting in the middle of the beige couch with her elbow resting on her knee, her chin resting in her upturned hand, with her other hand holding a bag of frozen peas to her head.
Adeline stood up and ran over to me. She hugged me tightly and I couldn't help but smile. It was hard to be unhappy with the twins around.
"Mommy is turning into a unicorn!" She exclaimed happily. I glanced at my mother in confusion. She wordlessly lifted the bag of frozen peas off her head to revel a large bump forming above her forehead, right where a unicorn's horn would be. I stifled a laugh.
"She's not turning into a unicorn, dumb freaking horse!" Odette yelled.
My grandmother made a choking sound.
"Odette! We do NOT use that kind of language in the house!"
Odette looked confused. "We do in my house."
My grandmother turned to glare at my mother. "Is this the kind of language you allow my son's daughter to use?"
My mom stared at my grandmother for a full minute before she replied. And when she did, it sounded very much like she wanted to throw something at her face.
"Jake and I teach our daughter that she is free to express herself in her own home." She snapped. They glared at each other.
I turned around and Emily was standing awkwardly at the door, looking thoroughly miserable. I walked over to her and took her hand. She pulled back a little, like she was going to yank it away, but I tightened my grip a little.
"I love you. I'm sorry. We can talk about it later, but let's not let it make us both miserable right now." I whispered.
She looked at me like she was being tortured. "I know you did it because you love me. I don't even know why I'm so mad. I just think I need space right now." She whispered back.
It hurt.
I forced myself to nod and I dropped her soft hand and moved away from her. She sat in a chair by the door and I sat beside Odette on the floor.
"I think I got Mommy in trouble. I wasn't supposed to say freaking horse around grandma." Odette whispered guiltily to me and my grandfather. We locked eyes and fought to keep from laughing. I wrapped my arm around Odette.
"It's okay, Odette. Mommy doesn't care what grandma says to her. They fight all the time." I assured her.
I looked up at my mom.
"So exactly what did you do to your head?" Usually the almost-five-year-olds are the ones with knots on their heads, not the mothers.
She hesitated. "Uh…I hit it on my car."
I laughed. "Wow, Mom. Smooth."
She glared. "Don't make fun of my pain."
Alana muttered something under her breath.
"What was that, Alana?" My mom asked, glaring at her mother-in-law.
Alana smiled innocently. "Nothing. I just think you need to be more careful around cars and carpet."
My mom blushed and my grandmother grimaced and I was confused.
I changed the subject. "So why are we here, Grandma?"
She tapped her fingers on the mantle and checked her watch. "I'll let you know once my son arrives."
My mom snapped.
"Jake is filming, Alana. He can't come. We've been through this."
I glanced around. I was always searching for Emily when she wasn't beside me. Adeline was sitting on her lap and they were talking quietly about something. She met my eye and we stared at each other for what must have been thirty seconds before we glanced away.
"THIS STUPID PIECE WON'T FIT! MOMMY! IT WON'T FIT! AND IT'S THE RIGHT FREAKING ONE!" Odette screamed in frustration, slamming a puzzle piece at the puzzle, trying to get it to fit.
Alana twitched. "No. Ill. Language. In. My. HOUSE!" She freaked out.
"Don't yell at my baby," Mom snapped. She stood up from the couch and walked over. She sat down between me and Odette. She had a weird looking bruise on her neck too, I wonder how hard sh—oh God. Ew. EW. THAT IS NOT A BRUISE. THAT IS A…EW! I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH. UGH.
I gagged.
She helped Odette get the puzzle piece to fit and then turned to me.
"What are you gagging about?" Her blue eyes narrowed suspiciously.
I narrowed mine too. "You two are like thirty-six. Seriously?"
She stood up. "I have no idea what you're talking about." She lied.
She sat back on the couch and placed the frozen peas on her head.
At that moment, my dad burst into the house hysterically. He was shirtless and looked like someone had been killed.
"WHAT HAPPEN—Dad?" He glanced at his dad in confusion. Then he glanced at his mother. He glared. "You are a very evil woman. That was so low."
He shut the door after him.
"What happened?" My grandfather asked. "And where is your shirt?"
My dad glared at my grandmother more. "I was in the middle of filming a scene on the beach when my director got a call from dear Mom. Apparently you had a stroke and I had to come pick her up and take her to the hospital, where you were in the ICU."
She wasn't fazed. "Well, it worked, didn't it? You're here." She turned to my Mom. "Told you I could get him here."
"You're going to feel pretty bad if I actually do have a stroke now, Alana." My grandfather said.
She snorted. "You won't have a stroke."
Dad walked over and sat next to Mom and he gently pulled the frozen peas off her head and inspected the sprouting unicorn horn.
"It's swelling," He frowned.
She shrugged and put the bag back on it.
"Sorry." He whispered.
Sorry…? Why would he be apologizing that she hit her head on the car door? He wouldn't hit her, so it couldn't be that.
I decided I most likely didn't want to know.
My dad glanced across the room.
"What's your problem?" He asked Emily. She jumped and looked at him and shrugged.
"What'd Cole do now?" He pressed. He turned to glance at me. "Hi, by the way. Always nice to see you."
"Nothing." She muttered.
I glared at him. "Why do you automatically assume I did something wrong?"
He shrugged apologetically. Adeline climbed off Emily's lap and ran for our dad. She hugged him.
"Now that we're all here, can we get down to business?" I begged.
"Daddy has makeup on his back!" Adeline screamed. She started laughing. What the fuck. Honestly? I just don't understand why I have such a strange family. What did I ever do to deserve this?
"Makeup on your back?" Mom asked, raising an eyebrow.
He cleared his throat.
"Yeah, I had to film a shirtless scene and…I…hurt…it, so they had to, uh, cover…it…with makeup." He turned to glare at his mother. "I would have grabbed a shirt if someone didn't make me think my father was dying."
"Well, maybe if you and Miley learned to be more careful around cars you wouldn't have to worry about it in the first place." She shot back.
How do you even scratch your back on a car? What the hell.
"Mom, did you redecorate again?" Dad asked suddenly, looking around the living room. My grandmother smiled her first honest smile since I arrived.
"Yes, I did! I'm so proud of you for noticing! Don't you love the subtle but elegant Victorian theme?"
He walked across the room to this black leather ottoman. It was long and low to the ground. He lay back on it and sighed happily.
"Yes, but I especially love this thing. It's very comfortable. It's firm like a desk, but soft like a bed." He looked at her curiously. "Where'd you buy it? I want one for my office."
He didn't give her a chance to reply. He motioned my mom over there. She walked over and he patted the space beside him.
"What do you think?" He asked, an oddly mischievous look on his face.
She gave him an almost scolding look and he smirked.
"It's very nice." She said tightly. She started to stand up but he grabbed her hand.
"Wait, I think you should lay on it with me before I buy one, just to make sure." He was smirking so widely I was surprised his face didn't break apart. She smacked his arm and stood up. She gave him a warning glance.
"Don't try me," She warned.
"You should buy one, Jake. God knows it'd save you and Miley some pain." She mumbled the last part.
"What was that?" Jake asked.
"Nothing." She smiled.
They don't make any sense. But I honestly don't care at this point.
I sighed. "Can we PLEASE get this over with?" I begged.
"I agree with dumb head! I want to go home already!" Odette whined.
I felt my mom's eyes on me and I turned. She was looking at me and Emily strangely. Of course she noticed we weren't sitting together. Psycho woman.
"Okay, okay. Cole, Emily…Jim and I want to pay for your honeymoon." My grandmother announced.
My mom protested immediately. "You don't need to do that, Alana. Jake and I can pay for it along with the wedding."
Alana smiled tightly. "But I want to, Miley dear."
"Umm…thanks, Grandma!" I said. We had to come all the way over here for that? She could have just called me. Emily and I hadn't even talked about a honeymoon. I glanced at her.
"Thanks so much, Alana. That's really nice." She smiled at my grandmother.
"Where are you two going?" She pressed. Emily and I locked eyes.
"Um…we haven't actually thought about it yet." I replied.
She nodded. "Okay. Do you know when the wedding will be? What are the colors going to be?"
What the fuck? Weddings have COLORS?
"We're not sure yet." Emily replied.
My grandmother blinked.
"What are you sure of?" She asked sarcastically.
"That I'll be the groom. And Emily will be the bride." I answered. I glanced at Emily and a small smile forced itself on her face. It made me feel better.
My grandmother didn't move for a moment.
"Right…" She stood up. "Well, perhaps you two should begin…planning this?" She talked to us like we were stupid.
She was starting to piss me off.
"We do have the wedding colors picked, though!" I exclaimed.
She smiled. "What are they?!"
I bit back an evil smile. "Black and green."
Her eyes widened and she looked like she was going to pass out. She settled a hand over her mouth and turned around, walking slowly out of the room.
My dad bumped fists with me. "Fantastic! Highlight of my day!" He paused. "No, actually, it wasn't. But it was a good part!"
I stood up. "I'm leaving. But when she comes back, tell her Emily's dress is going to be black with green lace and glitter. That'll get her."
"NO!" Adeline screamed. She grabbed my hand and frowned at me. "Please don't leave, C. I love you." Her green eyes filled with tears.
My heart broke.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Adeline! But I have to go now. I love you too. Give me a kiss." I leaned down and she sniffed. She kissed my cheek and sniffed again.
"Okay." She whispered in a small voice.
Odette hugged me too.
"Bye dumb head. See ya later!" She said happily.
"Bye, girls!" I hugged my parents and grandfather and stood awkwardly in front of Emily.
"You coming?" I asked. She nodded and told everyone bye. She followed me outside.
She started walking to her car but I stopped her. I took her hand again.
"Come with me." I said. She hesitated but nodded.
I walked with her down the road. I glanced at her and she smiled when she saw where we were headed.
When we walked through the gate to the playground, she made a beeline for the swings. She took the purple swing, the one she always used when we were little, and I sat in the green one beside her. She kicked her shoes off and dug her toes in the sand and she pushed herself back. I watched her swing for a few moments. She came to a stop beside me.
She held onto the ropes and stared at her toes in the sand.
"I love you more than everything." She muttered. Her words healed all the pain inside of me.
"I love you more than everything too."
She turned her swing sideways and I turned mine to the side too. The ropes twisted together. She kissed me gently and then let her swing snap back into the right position.
"I'm just scared about getting kicked out. It's not your fault. I just took it out on you." She said.
I swung slowly while I thought.
"I really am sorry, Emily. I didn't want to make things worse. I wanted to fix things. I don't like the way she talks to you. You don't deserve that."
She shrugged. "What is wrong with you?" She asked.
I looked into her eyes and they were full to the brim with chocolate concern. I thought I was hiding it well. I guess not.
"I had a weird nightmare." I admitted. "I can't stop thinking about it."
She began swinging again.
"Was Caitlyn in it?" She swung higher and higher until all I could feel was the wind and all I could hear was the creaking off the swingset.
"Yes." I admitted.
She dug her feet into the sand and stopped swinging. She looked at me. She looked so innocent with her hair windblown and tousled from the wind and her cheeks flushed. Her eyes were so pure, so honest, so beautiful.
"Was it a sex dream?"
I laughed out loud and suddenly I loved her more than I had before. I reached over and grabbed the robes of her swing and pulled her to me, pressing my lips firmly against hers.
I pulled back and her eyes seemed to be full of stars.
"No, it wasn't a sex dream."
She smiled and nodded. She started swinging slowly again. She swung faster before she asked her next question, as if the speed would enable her to outrun my answer if it was the one that would hurt her.
"Did you pick her over me in the dream?" She called. I listened to the creaking of the swingset and the soft sound her feet made when they hit the sand.
"Yes." I admitted.
She stopped pumping her legs and her swing eventually came to a stop.
I grabbed the ropes again. Her swing smacked against mine and our knees collided. I wrapped my arms around the ropes on her swing so the ropes were at the crease between my forearm and upper arm and my hands were grasping them firmly. She met my eyes and she looked so vulnerable I wanted to cry.
"But that's why it was a nightmare, not a dream." I whispered. She smiled softly and leaned forward to kiss me. She kissed my upper lip slowly and I wanted to taste her more than I'd ever wanted anything else. Her eyes shut and my followed in suit. I didn't think. I didn't look. I just felt. I focused on her tongue, the sound of seagulls and the waves in the background, and the way our swings gently smacked together as the wind blew. I slid my arm down and touched her leg and she sighed against my lips.
I pulled back when I knew things were about to go further than she wanted them to. She stared at me with those beautiful eyes and I felt like I was becoming liquid. She stood up from the swings and grasped my hand. She pulled me with her and I followed her blindly, trusting her and knowing that I'd like wherever she took me, because she would be there.
She crawled into the plastic tunnel under the playground. I crawled in after her and it was so dark in there that I could barely make out the raspberry on her cheeks. She pulled me close and held me tighter than she'd ever held me before. She held me like she thought I was trying to go away.
"I want you in every single sense of the world. I want you forever. I want every part of you forever. I love your hands, I love the way you smile, and I love the way your nose creases when you laugh. I love the way you say my name and I love your blue eyes. I want you to make love to me because I want you inside of me. I want you as close to me as you can get and I want you to be one with me so you can never, ever leave me." She rushed out. Her words and the rushed and hot texture of them raised my blood pressure. I wanted nothing more than to take those words and pull her clothes off her body, but I loved her too much to do that.
"Right now? In this tunnel? In this playground? In broad daylight?" I asked. My lips seemed to be stuck to hers. I couldn't stop kissing her. I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me.
"Yes. Right now. Please." She whispered. I ran my fingers through her hair and my heart was beating so fast I couldn't hear anything else.
"But are you sure?" I pressed.
She answered by kissing me and grabbing my belt.
Jesus, there is no doubt in my mind that you are THE MAN. I mean, holy shit. I could honestly marry you right now for all the good things you do for me. Especially this. Oh God, definitely this. Just know you are the best fucking person EVER. And you're my role model. One hundred percent.
She pulled my belt off me and I broke the kiss so I could slide the shorts off her. She was just in that damn leotard. That was gonna be hard to get off. She kissed me again and then pulled away.
"Will I feel different after this?" She asked. She was breathing heavily and she had a strong grip on my body.
"I don't know," I admitted. I kissed her jaw and listened to her heavy breathing.
"Did you after your first time?"
Did I what? What are we talking about?
"Umm," I tried to understand what she was asking. It finally clicked. "Oh! Not really but I guess it's different for everyone."
There was a pause. I went back to kissing her.
"I hope I do. I hope I feel different." She whispered, and it seemed like maybe she didn't even mean for me to hear it.
She pushed her hands up my shirt and pulled it over my head. I was in the process of pulling her leotard off her when I heard a very familiar little voice.
"I WANNA PLAY IN THE TUNNEL, MOMMY!"
FUCK.
No, please, no. NOT NOW, JESUS.
Emily sat up so quickly she slammed her head into the top of the tunnel.
"Fuck!" I swore.
Do not come to the tunnel, Adeline. Do not.
"NO! SWING ON THE SWING WITH ME!" Odette demanded.
"…Okay, I guess the swings sound fun." Adeline said. I listened to her walking away.
I exhaled in relief.
Why me. Why is it the one time when she finally decides we can have sex we get interrupted? I mean it's kind of our fault because this IS a public place…but still. Jesus…what did I do? Why are you mad at me? I mean…I thought things were cool between us. I guess not.
I sighed and miserably grabbed my shirt. I pulled it back on and Emily fixed her leotard.
A minute later, the dimming sunlight that had been lazily drifting into the tunnel was eclipsed.
"Mmhmm. You have no room to be talking, mister. A playground? Really?" My mother scolded.
I sighed.
Adeline ran over. She smiled in happiness.
"C!! You came to play at the playground, too?!"
My dad walked over and peered into the tunnel also.
"Haha, oh yes he did."
I glared.
Well.
Fuck.
I need some steak.
