Another chapter! We are about to start our holidays now which means more time for writing, but Em will be in the UK which means it will be veryyy difficult to communicate. Anywho...
"Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom? Thieves? Spies? Assassins?" He questioned, his chin swaying wildly in front of Emily's nose.
"Dwarves, your Malevolence" the goblin who had carried Poppy said "We found them on the front porch!"
Emily laughed, "Front porch? Wow you guys suck at interior design"
"Search them! Every crack! Every crevice!" the Great Goblin screamed
The goblins began to grab various body parts of the dwarves. This development was received with various levels of disgust by the dwarves. Emily in particular, who had never warmed to being touched in the first place. Poppy was nearly crushed beneath a riding mass of goblins.
"GET OFF ME, YOU FOUL MAGGOTS!"
"Silence!" the Great Goblin commanded, turning his quivering jowls to face the girls.
"And who might you be?" he asked as they shrank away from his rancid breath.
Poppy and Emily recoiled as his dangling chin swung closer to them. Suddenly, a disturbing yet funny memory echoed in Emily's mind. She looked at Poppy, she seemed to have remembered to. They both shouted in enthused unison,
"SCROTUM BEARD!"
"What?!" the Great Goblin stating, confused at their expression. The dwarves as well seemed baffled at their outburst.
"What fraudulence is this?" the hideous Goblin demanded. "SEIZE THEM!"
Poppy and Emily were seized by more hideous goblins, who proceeded to tie them to a nearby pole.
"You won't get away with this, you little shits!" Emily shouted at them as her hands were bound above her head.
"Shut UP, Em! If you hadn't been so annoying in the first place then maybe we wouldn't have been tied to this freaking pole" Poppy replied grouchily, still angry with her friend
"Are you seriously still angry at me because I called Kili's name instead of-"
Emily's sentence was cut short by the Great Goblin leering in front of them with his many quaking jowls.
"Who are you? And where do you two come from then?" he snorted, causing Emily and Poppy to shrink back in disgust.
"Why should we tell you, you ugly bastard?!" Emily yelled
"Do not insult me, little girl. Answer my question!"
"NO!"
Emily seemed all set to tell the not-so-Great Goblin nothing, when she saw Kili's face among the crowd of rather confused looking dwarves. He nodded at her, thus encouraging her that to tell this brute of a goblin might be the best option.
"Fine" Emily began, receiving startled looks from Poppy. "My name is Leiress and this is Amavel" she said gesturing to her friend. "We come from…err…. London"
The Great Goblin appeared to be confused. "London? Where is that?"
"Oh, you wouldn't know" Poppy interrupted, "It's in England, the United Kingdom"
"What?!" the Great Golbin exclaimed, quite thoroughly startled. He had never head of these strange places in his life before.
"You heard her, you fool" Emily mocked, rolling her eyes.
The Great Goblin, it appeared, was not amused by Emily's constant insults and his lack of knowledge of the girls' origins.
"Fine!" he bellowed, "If they will not talk, we'll make them squawk! Bring out the Mangler! Bring out the Bone Breaker! Start with the youngest!" he pointed a disgusting, long finger at Ori, who almost fainted on the spot.
"Don't do anything stupid" Poppy pleaded under her breath, praying with all her might that the oh-so –noble dwarves would do something… noble. Which would get them all killed.
"Wait!" cried Thorin, pushing his way through the crowd of goblins.
"Something like that", sighed Poppy, thumping her head back against the wooden pole and a goblin which was stupidly in the way. Curses on dwarves… and their heroic attitudes.
"Well, well, well, look who it is. Thorin son of Thrain, son of Thror; King under the Mountain", sneered the quivering pile of blubber perched on the goblin throne. ""Oh, but I'm forgetting, you don't have a mountain. And you're not a king. Which makes you nobody, really."
"How dare you, you...you... TURNIP!" stuttered Poppy, reluctant to swear as openly as Emily but angry for the hideous goblin king offending Thorin.
The goblin kings next words were less welcome. "I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just the head, nothing attached." He jabbered, "Perhaps you know of whom I speak, an old enemy of yours. A Pale Orc astride a white warg"
Thorin, who had recently taken up staring at his fascinating right boot, glanced up, disbelief written across his face.
"Azog the Defiler was destroyed. He was slain in battle long ago." He whispered through gritted teeth.
"If he was dead, then he wouldn't be after your head!" sighed Emily, "Really, that is obvious enough."
She was universally ignored by the band of dwarves who were dwarfed by crowds of goblins.
"So you think his defiling days are done, do you?" The goblin king chuckled, his warty scrotum beard wobbling, he turned to a tiny goblin sitting in a basket by the throne, suspended over the cavernous drop. His chin reacted at a slower rate, swinging sickeningly as his head turned.
"Send word to the Pale Orc; tell him I have found his prize."
The micro-goblin scribbled away on his slate and pulled a small trigger, spinning off into the darkness on a network of cables, cackling maniacally.
Swivelling back, the throne groaning under his great weight, the goblin king waved his skull-topped sceptre around and began to sing a ridiculously out of tune song.
"Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung! You'll be beaten and battered, from racks you'll be hung. You will lie down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin-town."
Recognising the song, the girls joined in on the last words of the song. "DOWN IN THE DEEP OF GOBLIN TOWN!"
The Great Goblin recoiled in shock.
"How do you know of our sacred chant?"
Ori, a bumbling fool, seized this chance to interrupt and ruin absolutely everything. It was evident that being threatened with imminent torture had addled his rather undeveloped brain.
"Of course they do! You Tower of Lard! They can see into the future!"
Thorin nudged Ori roughly with the tip of his sword, "Ori, be quiet!"
However, the Goblin King had heard enough.
"They can see into the future, can they? Well they must have forseen this!"
Having said this, he swung around and knocked the two wooden poles, to which the girls were tied, over the edge of promontory and into the gaping abyss below.
"HOLY F*CK!" swore Emily as the pole began to topple.
Using a rare display of expletive knowledge, Poppy howled. "Ori, you absolute WANK-STAIN! I WILL KICK YOU SORRY ASS FOR THIS!"
Ori, although he was safely standing on the solid ground, appeared more frightened than the two girls who were rapidly plummeting to their supposed deaths.
As the pole began to tumble, Emily squawked, "KILI! NO! DON'T FORGET MEEEEE!"
"NOT AGAIN!" Poppy shouted in despair.
The chasm above them began to narrow and they realised that they were falling very far, very fast. Then, all of a sudden, they were not falling at all. A random outcrop of rock had halted their downwards dive, thus saving them in the nick of time.
However, the tumble was too much for the ropes holding Poppy to the bottom of the pole to bear. She began to cascade downwards, only to grab onto Emily's hair just in time.
"YEOOWWWW!" Emily screamed. "Get off my luscious locks!"
"It's your stupid hair or my life, you cretin" her friend replied. With great effort, she managed to swing herself up and grab onto the lodge pole, causing Emily to emit many high pitched yelps of pain.
She swung her leg over a sat astride the pole. Just as she had guessed, they were lodged in the middle of a hole. A big, big hole.
"Em, what the hell do we do?!" Poppy questioned anxiously
"Well, for a start, you could help me escape these robes, you noodle face. I am staring down into the freaking abyss!"
"Okay, okay"
And with that, the time consuming procedure of pulling Em to the top of the pole began.
Poppy leapt from her pole to her friends, balancing lightly. Then, crouching, she pulled a tiny dagger from a convenient pocket in her boot, and hacked away at the bindings with gusto. After a time, the first of the three ropes was cut, and Emily managed the wrap her lanky legs around the pole, ensure that she would not continue to fall after all the ropes were cut. The second rope, holding her arms, as taken care of in due course, and the final binding, around her waist, was sliced. With surprising agility, Emily swung around and hauled herself on to the pole. Then in an expected display of clumsiness, she nearly fell off again.
"Em, you blithering fool" muttered Poppy fondly.
At last, both of the girls were sitting mildly stably atop the pole.
"Now, to actually get somewhere" Emily murmured in a shocking deep voice.
"Indeed. We could go left…or right…or up…or down!" stated Poppy
"Hmmm yes, personally I prefer down"
"Thanks for the sarcasm. Really appropriate!"
"LIKE YOUR FACE!"
"LIKE KILI'S FACE!"
"Don't bring Kili into this!"
"Well you seem to always do! If I am not mistaken, you were SLEEPTALKING and muttering his name when we were in the cave!"
"I WAS NOT!"
"You were! Fili and I were listening to you! You were moaning his name and thrashing around"
"You're lying. You snitch!"
Poppy was about to reply with a appropriately scathing response, when she was interrupted by a soundless explosion which occurred on the plato above. The shock waves echoed down the chasm, causing the poles they were lying on to shake alarmingly.
"Move, Em! The pole will break under your great weight!"
And consequently, it did. But not because of Em's great weight (which could mostly be found in her alarming large feet). The pole collapsed due to a tumbling mountain of lard which toppled towards them. This mountain of lard, also known as the Goblin King, came crashing into their small strip of refuge from the space above them.
The Goblin King, Emily and Poppy began a disturbingly rapid descent down the caverns which riddled the mountain.
"To think" Poppy shouted as they toppled downwards, "That after all we have been through, we are going to DIE, alone, tumbling down this mundane mountain"
Emily attempted to nod in consent, "I didn't even get to say goodbye to Kili!"
Poppy was about to shout back something offensive when they came in contact with the ground.
Thank you for reading! Favourite, follow and review! It truly makes my day after hours of Latin translations and English essays :)
