Author's Note: Oh, boy! Next one! …Dang, I'm runnin' out of things to say in these. Oh well. Enjoy! Read and review, please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Blood -

Episode 12

Invited by the White Fog

Somewhere deep in the Vietnamese jungle (at least I think that's where they are, they could be in the Kongo for all I know), a single small boat cut through the waves of a murky river in the dead of night. Onboard, Saya and skinny-man David were having a verbal misunderstanding. Again.

"Bless you," Saya said.

"I said Diva!" David snapped back.

"Yes," Saya patiently repeated, "and I said, 'bless you'."

"NO!" David exploded. "Diva is what we're going after, okay?! And Karl, the Phantom, is one of her bitches, alright?!"

"Like me with Saya?" Haji piped up from the back of the boat. Saya fixed him with a withering glare.

"Did I say stop rowing the boat?" She asked dangerously.

"No, ma'am," Haji replied meekly, quickly sitting back down and rowing the oars.

"So, in other words," David continued, "once we catch Diva, it'll all be over."

"Now, now! Don't get ahead of yourself!" Julia tut-tutted from her seat under the small canopy. "There're still almost forty more episodes to go!"

"Huh?" David turned and scowled at her.

"Oh, nothing," Julia replied innocently. "I was just commenting on how tight and restricting this military jacket is to my large and supple bosom."

"That's fascinating," David drawled, turning away. "Why don't you just get a breast reduction, if it bothers you so much?" Julia's lower lip quivered and she burst into tears as Saya stumbled over to comfort her.

"There, there! He didn't mean it!" She cooed, patting her shoulder.

"I just can't reach him!" Julia sobbed. "It's like he speaks another language! Or he's sexually retarded!"

"That sounds possible…"

Suddenly the sound of a motor engine cut through the silence, and David looked up, triumph on his face. A boat was approaching from the other side of the river.

"They're here…" he proclaimed.

"Who?! The fuzz?!" Louis leapt up in a panic. "I can't go to jail, man! I got kids to feed!" He ran to the side of the boat and threw himself off, hitting the water (cannon-ball style) with a tremendous splash.

"It's not the police!" David told him when he came up thrashing and gasping for air. "They're mercenaries!"

"…Oh." Louis silently treaded water for a few moments. "Does that mean I can keep my weed?"

"NO!!!"

The mercs wasted no time and quickly switched boats. Once onboard, they began introductions.

"Hello, nice to meet you all," a middle-aged woman with sharp cheekbones greeted. "I am-"

"David's sister?!" Saya interrupted, noting the likeness between the woman and David ('likeness' being complete lack of body fat).

"…No." The woman blinked. "I've never met this man before in my life."

"Oh, okay." Saya sat back down. "I just thought maybe you were because you both…" David and the lady leaned forward, staring intently at Saya. "…have beautiful eyes." She finished, then smiled sweetly.

"Well, thank you," the lady cleared her throat. "Anyway, back to business. We merc's use codenames to hide our identities. I'm called Lady's Speed Stick." She pointed to her other comrades in turn. "They're Mr. Sphincter, Panis, and…" She pointed at the last man. "William Du-Fancy-Pants."

"I chose mine myself!" William Du-Fancy-Pants proudly declared.

"Congratulations," Saya told him. Louis raised his hand.

"Can I be 'Sexual Chocolate'?"

"Only if I get to be 'El Caliente Seniorita'!" Julia joined in.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!" David roared. Everyone did. "Now listen," he went on in a much calmer voice, "your normal names are FINE." His dangerous glare quickly quieted the other's protests. "So be quiet and let's get down to business." He withdrew a photo and handed it to Lady's Speed Stick. "Here's a picture of Diva's container." He pulled out another photo. "And here's a computer image of what we think that same container might look like 30 years later."

"…Boxes age?" Lady's Speed Stick asked doubtfully, raising a thin eyebrow.

"Well…yeah, that might have been a complete waste of time and money," David admitted. "But we were bored and since we had no real pictures of Diva, you know…"

"…Did you guys draw a smiley face on it?"

"Well, yeah! The box has to look like her!"

"I'm seriously rethinking my decision to work with you people," Lady's Speed Stick muttered.

"Who's that?" William Du-Fancy-Pants peeked over her shoulder, saw the picture, and whistled. "Dang! She's purty!"

"Right back at ya," David retorted. Lady's Speed Stick just hung her head and gave up.

-Not Far Away, at a Mansion-

Karl (a.k.a. the Phantom, a.k.a. Jackie Chan) walked across the wet grass of the lawn, lovingly running his hand over the cool, smooth metal of the strange container.

"HEY!" The container barked. "Don't make me say it again, buster! No means NO!"

"Will you shut up about that?!" Karl roared back. "Container's can't talk!"

From the nearby mansion's balcony, Mr. Argeno watched with amusement. He should get this crap on tape and sent it back to his French friends so they could laugh at the monumental stupidity of-

"Hey, Mr. Argeno." The Frenchman turned to see Solomon striding over toward him. "I was just thinking that- WHOOOA!" Solomon screeched to a halt and gaped down at the lawn below. "Check out that mega-hottie down there! She is fiiiiine!"

"…Solomon," Mr. Argeno said softly, "That's un homme."

"Wha? A man?! I…" Solomon broke into a sweat and began fidgeting nervously, eyes shifting from left to right. "But…but he's got long hair, and…and I couldn't see well, alright?! It's dark down there!"

"We've got, like, a dozen spotlights shining on him," Mr. Argeno stated. Solomon stood there in silence, blinking rapidly.

"…I'm going back inside," he said finally, then slowly walked backwards into the mansion.

"The things I put up with to be on this show…" Mr. Argeno sighed, rubbing his temples. He needed some aspirin.

-Back With Saya-

Saya sat by the boat's side and gently dipped her hand into the dark, cold river. Haji stood nearby, giving Saya his full attention.

"Haji," she said softly, staring at the swirling water, "What did I do here? Did I…do something…terrible? I keep getting these strange visions, and I feel as if…as if…as if MY HAND IS BEING EATEN OFF BY MOTHER-BLEEPING PIRANHA'S! GAAAAH!" She yanked her hand out of the water and shook it fiercely to dislodge the hungry little buggers. A few dropped into the bottom of the boat and flopped around frantically, gasping for air. Or water, or whatever.

"Whoopsies!" Haji said innocently, "Forgot to warn you about the piranha-infested waters! My bad!!"

"You forgot?!" Saya grabbed hold of Haji's coat-tails and flung him into the river. "Now do you remember? Huh? HUH?!"

"Aiiiiiiiieee! They're devouring my organs!"

-Back at the Mansion Again-

Deep within the mansion's basement, in a dungeon-like place with cells and bars and the like, Kai was busy dispelling the mind-numbing boredom by torturing everyone else. And by torturing, I mean singing.

"No-one, no-one, no-ooooone…can get in the way of what I'm feeeeling!"

"Hey, kid! Shut it!" A guard barked, irritated by Kai's complete lack of tune.

"Come over here and make me!" Kai shot back, then squealed in fright as two burly guards came dashing toward his cell. Snatching up a metal cup, he whipped it at the two men as they stepped inside. The cup conked off one guard's head, ricocheted to the others, then came back and hit Kai right between the eyes. Luckily his thick skull saved him from losing consciousness.

"Hey, I actually did something!" Kai gushed, sneaking through the open door. "Now to raise some hell!"

Back on the first floor of the mansion, Mr. Argeno was busy being consulted by several important-looking scientists with no names.

"Sir," one scientist reported, "the…onions we're experimenting on have gone into phase two. We expect the…onions to…sprout anytime soon."

"…Alright, you lost me after 'onions'," Mr. Argeno admitted. "Since when did I have a vegetable garden? Can't you just speak normally?"

"Meh, it's not important." The scientist sighed. "So, anyway, what's Solomon like?"

"In one word?" Mr. Argeno frowned. "Colossal horndog."

"…That's two words, sir."

Back down in the cellar, Riku, who was strapped to a bed and wrapped in a straightjacket, struggled vainly against his bonds.

"Damn! No use!" He growled, panting for breath. "Why I gotta be strapped down, huh? I'm, like, eighty pounds, tops!"

"You're lucky they didn't gag you, too," Mui said from her cell, which was opposite his. "That's what you get for going off on them."

"Hey!" Riku snapped. "They dissed New York! I don't play that bleep! No way will I let them put down my lady!" He sighed and lay back down, staring at the ceiling dismally. "So…what do you think will happen to us?"

"We'll probably be sold…" Mui said sadly.

"For sex?!" Riku cut in abruptly, gasping in horror. "No!! I don't wanna follow my dad's path! I don't know about your homely mug, but I'm certainly cute and sexy enough to be sold!" He grinned and winked suggestively at the camera.

"Please, who you kidding? If anyone in this family's gonna be a man-whore, it's me!" Kai stepped out of the shadows and illuminated his face with a flashlight. "Boo!"

"Auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!" Riku shrieked his little lungs out, cowering against the wall in terror. Kai scowled.

"It's me, you idiot!"

"Oh, I know."

-Back With Saya-

Saya sat on the ship's prow as it cut through the water, listening to all the strange and curious sounds of the jungle.

"Ka-kaw, ka-kaw!"

"Creeeeeeee!"

"Oooki-ooki-ooki!"

"…Haji?" Saya sighed impatiently. "Will you please stop making those noises?"

"…Sorry." Haji, who stood directly behind her, slowly lowered his hands and blushed.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" Saya cried, jumping to her feet. "Let's do 'Titanic'!"

"Alright!" Haji agreed cheerfully.

"…Are you sure she's the one?" Lady's Speed Stick asked, watching Saya and Haji fool around like grade-schoolers. David looked up just in time to catch Saya slapping Haji across the face for touching her inappropriately ("But there's a sex-scene in the movie, I swear!").

"Positive," David nodded.

"So, what do we do if she loses it?"

"Well…" David shrugged. "You either give her food…or roll over and die."

-Aaaaand Back at the Mansion Again-

Karl, alone in his room in the mansion, stood in a quiet and rare moment of personal reflection. He slowly reached forward and picked up an old, black-and-white photo of himself (and a few unnamed others) and frowned.

"…Do I really look like Jackie Chan?" He wondered aloud.

"Yes, you do." Karl whirled around to find that Solomon had silently snuck into his room. Kinda creepy, there, buddy. "You also resemble a young, attractive woman, but let's skip that part before things get awkward."

"Too late," Karl grumbled. "Now what do you want?"

"I was wondering if it was possible for you to not kill Saya…" Solomon began.

"Oh, sure, that's fine, I just wanna-"

"And don't molest her, either." Solomon finished.

"WHAT?! Okay, now that's asking way too effing much!"

-Back With Saya-

Saya and her crew of silly-code-named mercs had docked their boat on the side of the river, and now were sneaking through the jungle toward the distant mansion.

"Alright!" Lady's Speed Stick whispered to the others. "Now be very quiet, we don't wanna give away our position to the enemy." Immediately afterward, a high-pitched, girly shriek rang out and reverberated through the treetops.

"SAYA!!" Everyone snarled.

"It was Haji!" Saya hissed.

"There was a spider on my shoulder!" Haji whined. "You would have screamed, too!"

Everyone rolled their eyes and shouldered their weapons, wary of approaching danger now that Haji had stupidly alerted everyone to their presence. Saya gasped softly as her vision turned red and a strange song entered her head.

"The…the song…" She muttered softly to herself, then ripped the headphones and red sunglasses off her head. "I hate Carrie Underwood! Who put these stupid things on me? Haji!!" She kicked him in the nuts.

"It wasn't meeee!" He gurgled, keeling over.

-Back…at the Mansion…Again-

"Alright! Let's get this thing open!" Mr. Argeno stood before the large container sitting on the front lawn and wrinkled his brow. "Hmm…let's see…" He swiped his card through the slot (nothing), typed in a code on the keypad (still nada), then stood back and boldly declared, "Open sesame!" The doors still refused to budge. "Well, I've done all I can do!"

"Or you could just try the damn door," Karl snarled, walking up to the container and easily yanking the door open.

"…I thought it said 'push'!" Mr. Argeno said after a moment.

"I wish you said 'kill me'…"

Down below in the dungeon/basement, a group of creepy little kids in cloaks were singing an eerie song. Kai had just let them out of the other cells, and he, Riku, and Mui stared at the kids in confusion as they sang.

"Hey, shut up!" Kai yelled at the kids. "You guys are all horribly off key! And where are my tenors?! They should all be over here, while the falsetto's are over there! You guys are hopeless!" He looked up and glared at Mui and Riku, who were simply standing there and gawking. "You two gonna help me with this choir or not?"

"Not," they both replied together.

Suddenly the cloaked kids rushed past, bursting through the cellar doors and entering the mansion above. One of the creepy brats knocked into Mui, who fell over with a cry.

"HEY!" Riku cried in outrage, running to her side. "She's only got one leg! Give her a break! If anyone's gonna knock her over, it'll be me!" He grabbed Mui's arm, tugged her up, then immediately shoved her down again. "Like this!"

"Awk!"

"RIKU!" Kai roared, smacking him upside the head. "That's horrible! That's inhumane! That looks like fun! Let me try!"

"Eeek! Freaky little corn children!" Mr. Argeno shrieked as the cloaked kids ran up through the house and joined them on the front lawn, singing and dancing around like…well, like he said, freaky little corn children!

"It's alright," Karl assured him. "Heel, children!" The kids gathered around him like chicks to a mother hen, following him across the lawn and around the other end of the house.

"Hey!" Mr. Argeno said pleasantly. "For being such a perverted bastard, he's pretty good with kids!"

-With Saya and the Mercs Again-

Saya and her team of super-mercs were now sneaking through a grove of trees, still searching for the mansion. Saya halted to have yet another onslaught of unwanted disturbing visions of the happenings in Vietnam and the strange hallways, staggering a little as she did.

"I could carry you," Haji offered.

"NO." Saya said firmly, giving him a look. She didn't feel like being molestered at the moment.

"How 'bout carrying me, handsome?" Lady's Speed Stick asked flirtatiously, giving Haji a wink, who fought to suppress his gag reflex.

"My…my arms are broken," he lied. Lady's Speek Stick scowled and marched past, Haji breathing a deep sigh of relief. Suddenly the mansion popped into view, and the creepy cloaked children stepped out from behind the trees, surrounding Saya and the mercs, all the while still humming their song.

"Oh!" William Du-Fancy-Pants knelt down next to one of the kids and grinned like the idiot he was. "Hey there, lil' buddy! You want a lolli-pop?" He reached into his pocket, withdrew a dum-dum (pun intended), and held it out. The kid bared its teeth and promptly chomped off William's entire hand along with the candy. William held up the bleeding stump of his wrist and smiled. "Awww, he's teething!"

Suddenly the kid swelled tremendously, and a hideous, chubby baby chiropteran burst from its skin. That is just nasty. The chiro-baby (as I will be calling them because otherwise it's way too damn long) leapt at William Du-Fancy-Pants and promptly ate off his face. God rest his soul. (Places hand on heart as trumpet plays). The other children followed suit, also morphing into grotesque chiro-babies and approaching Saya and the gang.

"Dear GOD those are some ugly babies!" Lady's Speed Stick gagged, not sure whether to shoot the little bastards or try and put a diaper on them.

"They're not babies!" David snapped. "Their chiropteran infants!"

Down in the cellar, Riku knelt by Mui's side as she and other children in yellow jackets moaned in pain and rolled about on the ground. Geez, what's wrong with them? Tummy ache?

"Oh, no! Mui!" Riku was sobbing, gently touching her shoulder. "Please don't die! You still have to pay me back for that metal detector I bought for your broke ass! Please don't die!"

"Riku…you…a…hole!" Mui gurgled, face twisted in pain. Next to them, Kai stood up, a firm look on his face.

"Riku!" He barked. "Listen! You stay here with the unstable, potentially dangerous children while I, your handsome and strong brother, go find-"

"Saya?!" Riku asked hopefully.

"No." Kai blinked. "The john. I've been holdin' this piss for, like, two episodes. Bye!" With a wave, he shot down the hall and up the stairs, leaving poor little Riku on all his lonesome with the crazy kids. Nice. Real nice.

Back up top, the mercs fired off rounds at the chiro-babies like crazy, mowing them down like one does a rebellious lawn. It didn't work, however, and the monsters continued to advance, their wounds healing almost instantly.

"Open, door!" David snarled, beating at the front door of the mansion. "We'll be safer if we could get inside! Damn! If only we had a key!"

"Or a brain!" Saya grunted, pushing past the skinny man and easily yanking the door open.

"I…I thought it said 'push'!" David coughed, blushing a little. Saya just rolled her eyes and shoved him inside, followed by Haji, then Lady's Speed Stick. The remaining mercs were left outside where they experienced horrible, agonizing deaths, but who the hell cares about them, anyway? Back to Saya.

Once inside, the small group ran deeper into the maze of halls, only to have chiro-babies (dressed in SWAT uniforms, the little freaks) burst in through the windows and attack them. Beating them back, the team rounded a corner and took a short breather in a hallway.

"Fight, girl!" Lady's Speed Stick growled, grabbing hold of Saya and shaking her. "What's wrong with you?! Fight, dammit!"

"I…I can't!" Saya sobbed. "The song! The song!" She looked up and saw Haji just about to place the headphones on her once again. "So it was you!!!"

"Eeek!"

"Can this wait till later?" David interrupted. "We're kinda busy right now." He pointed at the nearby stairway, where more chiro-babies were appearing.

"Oh, fine." Saya dropped Haji and sighed. "I was gonna go crawl into a corner and cry anyway. Here I go." Conjuring up fresh tears, she huddled up in a ball and sobbed as the chiro-babies attacked, going after Lady's Speed Stick and the others.

"Ha! You think you can kill me?!" David scoffed, pointing his gun at the nearest chiro-baby. "Bring it on!" The chiro-baby grinned evilly, reaching behind it and pulling out…

A piece of cheesecake.

"No…NOOOOO!!!" David shrieked in horror. "You can't do this! You can't make me eat it! Do you have any idea how fattening those things are?! NOOOOOOO!!" He and the chiro-baby fell to the ground, grappling and grunting. As Saya huddled whimpering in a corner, a chiro-baby was slowing advancing, getting ready to attack. Good thing Haji suddenly popped up, decapitated the monster and then aimed its neck-stump at Saya so she got sprayed with its vermilion effluence.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!!" Saya screeched, dripping with blood. "Why the hell did you point that thing at me?!"

"Well," Haji explained patiently, still holding the headless baby's body. "I was hoping the covering of blood would once again awaken your inner carnal senses so you could get all kick-ass again, but…"

"But?" Saya prompted, raising an eyebrow.

"But I really just wanted you to be disgusted and take all your clothes off."

"…Well, what do you know?" Saya growled through gritted teeth. "I think I've got my will to fight back! And guess what! You die first!" Haji took a deep breath.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

-Episode 12 End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood .

Author's Note: Whew! There we go! I've been a bit busy this past week, but I was still able to get another Blood Minus done! I had a bit of trouble with some parts, but managed to funny it up to my satisfaction before finishing. Hope you liked it! Review, please!