"Magnar," Dastardos was starting to sound aggravated. "Come on, this isn't funny. We need to go."
Dastardos had returned to Vilos' house to find Magnar and Maggie intertwined in the fluffiest little embrace. He actually felt a brief twinge in his heart when he saw how close they had become. Could he tear Magnar away from such a good friend…?
Hell yeah he could! He had enough of this insane place, and Magnar was coming home, whether he liked it or not!
"No, Stardos!" Magnar pouted.
"Yeah!" Maggie stomped one of her little stumpy feet. "Magnar's staying with me, and we're going to Romance Dance and have babies!" Maggie nuzzled Magnar's head with her own.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, NO!" Dastardos practically flailed at that news, his eyes bulging. "NO!"
"But why?" Magnar whined. "I've caught you watching documentaries on baby Macaraccoons on Pester's TV. Why wouldn't you want me to have one?"
Dastardos felt his face heat up a little. Thank God Magnar never got out; there was no doubt he'd sing all of Dastardos' secrets from the rooftops. "If you have a baby, that means Earos or whatever his name was needs to come here to deliver the egg, and that means everyone would know who Vilos was," Dastardos glared at the two frowning piñatas. "Probably would spark a lynch mob. Do you want to cause the death of your owner, Maggie?"
"N-no…" Maggie wrapped her tail around herself and looked at the ground.
"Why are you being such a jerk, Stardos?" Magnar exclaimed, glaring daggers at his owner.
"Because I am not leaving you here. Come on!" Dastardos bent down and scooped up Magnar. As he looked over the gun in his hand, Magnar looked down at Maggie.
Maggie had the saddest look in her eyes and she sniffled a bit.
"I'll try to come back, Maggie, I promise," Magnar nodded solemnly.
"I…I really hope you will!" Maggie's expression lit up, her eyes glimmering with hope.
"Nah, he won't come back," Dastardos stated before firing the gun at himself and Magnar.
The gun crashed to the floor and cracked all over after Dastardos vanished.
Vilos later discovered the gun and hid it behind a piece of rotting bark in her tree. The last thing she wanted was for it to fall into the wrong hands.
"I'm going to miss that bastard…" Vilos sighed as she smoothed a strand of hair that was floating a bit too high up.
"I'm not," Maggie pouted from where she sulked on the couch.
VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP
Upon stepping into the Village square, Seedos, Patch, Eddie, and Yoto were greeted by a joyous din. Much to Eddie's surprise, Sparcticus gallivanted right up to him and lifted him up into a gigantic hug.
"Sahari thought you died!" Sparcticus' voice was joyful despite his morbid statement. "But I knew she was wrong!"
"No…I'm…in one piece…" Eddie grinned painfully. He was still very, very bruised, and tight hugs weren't exactly helping that matter. "Slightly traumatized, but in one piece…"
Sparcticus put Eddie down and gave him a quick once-over. Eddie's clothes were torn, his hair was wild, and a good portion of his body was decorated with bruises. "Wow, you're…actually a mess. What happened?" Sparcticus' brow wrinkled with concern.
"You're not going to believe it…" Eddie patted his friend on the shoulder. "…but I'll still tell you later."
"Oh, Patch, thank God you're here!" Leafos rushed up to Patch and skidded to a halt right in front of him, her eyes full of hopeful joy.
Patch felt a small bit of happiness to know that he was missed…until Leafos' expression turned serious and she opened her mouth again.
"You have a severe backlog of patients! Dastardos never showed up to reap them, so they've been lying around in pain for days!" A tear escaped Leafos' eye as she thought of all of those poor piñatas, most of them Pretztails, being forced to moan in agony as they waited for a death that never came. "You better get to work right away!" She grabbed Patch by his sleeve and began to lead him away. "Who knows when Dastardos is coming back!"
"O-oh, he's b-b-back, all right…" Patch murmured as he shuffled as fast as he could to keep up with Leafos. His first few hours back, and he already knew that he had a looooong day ahead of him.
"Seedos!" Storkos exclaimed as she flew over to her brother. Yoto wasn't too far away, and his head snapped right towards that heroic voice.
"I'm sooo glad you're all right, little bro!" Storkos leaned over and gave Seedos a great big kiss on the forehead of his mask. Seedos turned red all the way up to the tips of his ears and he waved Storkos away. He was happy to see her, but it was a bit emasculating to have your sister coo over you and give you a big forehead smooch in public.
"There were rumors flying around that Dastardos had chopped up and killed all of you! Where on Earth have you guys been! I've been worried sick!" Storkos clutched her stomach with one hand for emphasis.
Yoto cleared his throat and sauntered over to Storkos and her sibling, his Alert System in hand. "I believe I can tell you exactly where we were, ma'am," He winked at her. "Got a whole lot of photo evidence right here!"
VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP
Yoto recounted his tale that evening at Arfur's, constantly displaying the photos on his Alert System to the crowd to back up his words. Nearly the Village's entire population was seated at the various tables around the room, and Yoto weaved between them as he spoke.
"…and Patch thought that the lady version of Dastardos was a knockout! Can you imagine?" Yoto cackled and was soon joined by everyone else in the room. Patch slumped in his chair in the corner, his face beet red. He would have much rather been running around like a crazy person curing piñatas like he was earlier today than sitting here and taking embarrassment.
Yoto held up the photo in front of one table and one of the occupants let out a long, low whistle. "Bear don't blame Patch. Bear wouldn't mind tapping that!" Bear licked his lips hungrily and Yoto scrunched up his nose.
"Bear would crush her pelvis," Yoto yanked the Alert System away from the burly redhead. "But enough about her. Wait until you hear what I did…"
Yoto began to recount his tale of heroism, sneaking into Mistress Mayhem's lair with a sword he made with his very own Tinkering skills (Bart rolled his eyes pretty hard at that one), evading hundreds of traps in her hallway, and rescuing everyone all by himself…
In response to a glare from Seedos, Yoto grudgingly added that Vilos and Dastardos might have helped a little too.
Much to Yoto's delight, Storkos seemed enthralled by his tale. She was leaning forward onto the table, her eyes sparkling with interest.
"Wait…Dastardos helped you?" Leafos folded her arms tightly. "I have a hard time believing that!"
"No, it's true, Leafos! He saved all of us!" Seedos said as steadily as he could, trying his best to keep admiration from filling his voice.
"If it weren't for him and Yoto…" Eddie trailed off and slumped in his seat. He figured it would be better if he didn't share the fact that he was nearly a villainess' sex slave for life.
"E-even m-m-me!" Patch stood up and lifted up his shirt, revealing the cuts from the glass tube. "Th-these are from the t-tube he smashed open for m-m-me. I might not like him, b-b-but I think I owe him one…" Patch smoothed his shirt and his cheeks reddened. Dastardos might kill defenseless piñatas, but he really wasn't all bad…
"Oh man, you should have SEEN what he did to Pester!" Yoto just had to grab the spotlight again. He leapt onto the bar counter, ignored Arfur's annoyed glare, and began waving his arms like he was signaling a rescue plane. "Smashed his mask right in two! And then the dude version of Storkos beat Pester to a pulp!" Yoto planted his hands on his hips and beamed. "I think it's safe to say that we won't be seeing that fat jerk for a long, long time!"
That statement made the whole Inn burst into rousing applause. Yoto's ego swelled like a gloating Lickatoad and he leapt down from the counter with a grin.
"That's a load off my mind!" Storkos sighed and rested her fingers against her mask's forehead. "Thanks for telling us about that, Yoto." She smiled warmly at him and Yoto's entire body flooded with giddiness.
"Do you have any more photos?" Sahari bounced in her chair. "This is so neato; I want to see all of them!"
"Sure do! I'll put them all up on Maskbook later, too!" Yoto whipped out his Alert System and grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Hey, Uncle Bart and Gretchen, you're never gonna believe this…!"
VPVPVPVPVPVPVPVP
Three weeks and four days.
Pester had been gone for three weeks and four days.
Dastardos was on Cloud Nine. He couldn't remember the last time he was so content. He could sit around with Magnar on his lap, lost in his own thoughts, and not worry about his Alert System yanking him from his own mind. He was starting to think that Pester would never return! Good thing, too, the last thing he wanted was to be "punished for his insubordination." God only knows what Pester would force him to do…he didn't want to get stuck cleaning the Ruffians' litter box.
In a fit of boredom, he decided to venture into Pester's lair. Ignoring the Ruffians begging him for food, Dastardos plunked himself down in the chair in front of Pester's enormous computer. He was always curious about why Pester spent so much time on this thing.
After clicking around, he discovered some things he expected. Evil plans, long rants in Word documents about why Jardiniero was talentless and smelly, and a folder marked "Galagoogoos."
Dastardos smirked to himself. Pester had a soft spot for Galagoogoos? He could use that as blackmail…
He double-clicked the folder. It certainly didn't contain any Galagoogoos…!
Dastardos actually screamed and closed the folder as quickly as he had opened it. It was largely thumbnailed security camera shots of almost everyone in town in various states of undress. And of course Dastardos' eye had to settle on the picture of Doc Patchingo!
What did Pester use this folder for…? Ugh, how disgusting! Dastardos leaned forward to dry heave. Urgh, he couldn't wait to leave this lair and never come here again-
"Dastardos? You're in my chair…!" a disgustingly familiar voice scolded.
Dastardos inhaled sharply and didn't dare to turn around.
"Good thing I found you…" Dastardos heard lumbering footsteps and felt a meaty hand settle on his shoulder. "There are a few things I need to…talk with you about."
The End
