It's been two days since Maura had her meltdown, and both she and Jane are back at Dr Fullmans for another counselling session. Same process as before, Maura goes first whilst leaving Jane watching something on TV.
Again Maura is struck by the smell of Jasmine and how calming the room is. She has been dreading this session. To openly talk about the real reasons and the feelings she has been feeling when she thought she was back in that park with 'him' and then discovering she was hitting her wife.
Dr Fullman was her usual, friendly, welcoming self. Indicating to sit down, Maura did so.
"Hello Maura, how have you been since our last session?" the redhead said whilst looking at the blonde.
Maura was playing with her hands again, something she normally never does, but of late seems to be the norm. Taking a deep breath to try and steady herself she begins. "I hit my wife".
To say Dr Fullman was surprised in this revelation is an understatement, if she was being honest, she would have thought that Jane would have been the one out of the two to resort to some sort of violence. Not this reserved petite blonde sat in front of her. "Can you tell me what happened?"
No, she wanted to scream, no I don't want to tell you. Jane was right when she said there had been some truth in her words. She needed to tell someone. So she proceeded. "After our first session I made an offhanded comment about that Jane can't always protect me. And of course Jane being Jane took it the wrong way. I tried to apologize but she walked away from me". Stopping to calm herself as she can feel her body starting to tense as she is getting angry remembering that day. Dr Fullman didn't say anything, she just listened.
"I felt angry at her, so I went to have afternoon tea with my mother, it was lovely, my mother and I had a very complex relationship before I met Jane. But now she is loving and caring which is wonderful".
Listening to Maura intently, The redheads interest has been intrigued when mentioning the complex relationship she has with her mother. She would like to explore this in more detail, but now isn't the time.
Maura continues "After talking with my mother, I went to find Jane to apologize for what happened in the morning, and when I walked in, there...on the counter, were photos of Jane's mutilated face from that night". Swallowing the lump that has formed in her throat, remembering that moment suddenly fills her with anger again. Jumping out of the chair she starts to pace the floor. "Of all the irresponsible, reckless, thoughtless, negligent, stupid things to do".
Dr Fullman finds Maura's responses interesting, displaying a whole range of emotions in such a short space of time. She knows the blonde has been bottling up her feelings for a while and now they are being displayed in a chaotic and confusing manner. "Can I ask why those photos were with Jane?"
"Because she never thinks, she foolishly brought home our case file, even though she was warned that no good would come of it". She stops pacing the floor, walking over to the chair opposite Dr Fullman she takes her seat again.
"Why would Jane do something like that?" Dr Fullman asks.
Letting out a small laugh. "Have you met my wife? Maura says looking at the redhead.
"What happened afterwards Maura?". The redhead says in a gentle and calming voice.
Rising from her seat again, Maura heads over to the mirror staring at her own reflection. It's the first time she has stopped and really looked at herself. She doesn't look like her usual perfect self. No make-up, hair is wild and unkept and she can still see the faint scar on her cheek. "I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur, I rushed home and I felt such a mix of emotions I didn't understand" crossing her arms over her chest, almost as if to try and shield herself from her feelings she turns around and faces the doctor again. "I was always a lonely child, It's not that my parents didn't love me, they were just involved in their own lives. Which meant I got left to my own devices. So I read and studied a lot. Yet, no matter what I have learned or trained in didn't prepare me for any of this. I felt so scared and angry all rolled into one".
Dr Fullman knew well enough not to interrupt a patient once they were on 'a roll'. Clearly Maura needed to tell her these things.
"I then went and drank two bottles of wine, I just wanted to numb the feelings, I never get emotional where I resort to getting intoxicated. But that night I felt I needed to. Not long after I had finished the second bottle of wine, I felt quite intoxicated so I decided to go to bed. Once in bed I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I just wept". She starts to play with her hands, feeling uncomfortable remembering what happened next. "I didn't even hear Jane come into the bedroom, she touched my shoulder and once I saw her face, I remembered those horrible photos and the night of the attack". Feeling emotional now she is trying hard not to let her voice break. But she can feel the tears already forming, this is a battle she will lose. "I was back there, in that park, he had me pinned down on the ground".
Dr Fullman can see that the blonde is starting to struggle. "Maura, if it's too hard or too painful to tell me, you don't have to, just remember you're safe here".
Trying to calm herself enough, taking a deep breath she continues. "Whilst he had me pinned, I saw my chance and I struck him. I managed to hit him in the face, I knocked him to the ground. So I jumped on him and struck him again. But something stopped me, I could hear Jane calling me".
"And why was Jane calling you?" Dr Fullman said as she looks at Maura.
Maura found the question confusing so at first she didn't answer. Not wanting to remember that horrible night again. She proceeded onwards taking a huge sigh. Turning around she makes her way back to her chair, flopping into the seat opposite Dr Fullman, feeling deflated. "I wasn't back in that park with him, Jane...Jane was calling me to stop". Her voice starting to break "I was still in the bedroom, god Jane's beautiful face" she says the tears freely falling now.
Picking up the box of tissues and leaning forward, Dr Fullman offers them to the now sobbing blonde in front of her.
Taking the tissues Maura dabs her eyes trying to soak up the tears. Thankful that she had worn her waterproof mascara today. "It was Jane I was hitting".
"What were you feeling before and after the incident" Dr Fullman gently asks.
Remembering back to when Jane had come into the bedroom she remembers feeling so angry at her. "I felt incredible rage".
"At whom?" The redhead asks.
Maura pauses thinking back to who she felt angry with at that moment in time. Answering honestly she says "At Jane".
"Do you still feel angry with Jane?" Dr Fullman asks Maura.
Maura really didn't want to answer her, but those feelings were still very much there "Yes".
Dr Fullman wants to explore this further, this might be the breakthrough that she needs to help her heal the rift between the two women. "Do you blame her for you being raped?"
There is a long pause as Maura thinks about responding. The silence in the room is deafening, you could hear a pin drop. Answering in an emotionless and detached way. "Yes, I know the events themself she is not to blame for them. And I knows it's not logical to hold her responsible, but It was her suggestion to go the way we did. So yes I blame her".
Seeing the detachment and the way that Maura's body language has considerably changed in the last couple of minutes, Dr Fullman finds this fascinating. "Maura, when feelings or thoughts become difficult, do you always compartmentalise yourself to detach from it?"
"Yes" Maura answers in the still emotionless voice.
"Why is that?" Dr Fullman asks.
Without missing a beat the blonde responds immediately "Well it's quite logical really, if I compartmentalise my true feelings then I am not opening myself to be hurt emotionally, simple really".
Dr Fullman needs to bring the blonde back into the room, to get her to face and understand her feelings so she decides to try and push a reaction out of her. "Maura, do you love your wife?".
This question struck Maura as a little odd, of course she loves Jane. "I'm sorry I don't understand the question".
"It's a simple question Maura, do you, or do you NOT! love Jane?" Dr Fullman can see that Maura is struggling with the question so she keeps pushing. "Do you love your wife?" she says with a little more force behind it.
"OF COURSE I DO!, I love Jane with all my heart, What kind of question is this?" Feeling the anger rising in her, she gets up out of the chair and approaches Dr Fullman, accusingly pointing her finger at her "I would give my last breath for her".
Dr Fullman feels they have reached the end of their session. "I know from what information and insight I have gained from our previous sessions I suspected as much. But I needed for you to say it out loud".
Feeling more like herself again, Maura feels a little ashamed at her behaviour, normally she is so put together, she couldn't understand where that angry outburst came from. "Dr Fullman, I feel I need to apologize for my outburst".
"Maura, there is no need, I will admit that I did push you to get a response from you, as when things get emotionally difficult for you, you detach. And in order for you to heal fully you unfortunately need to feel what you have been through". Rising from her chair, Dr Fullman walks to the door. "I think we've done enough this session, however If I may, I think the next session both yourself and Jane should both be present".
Maura's heart starts to flutter, she didn't know if she was ready for that yet, but she trusts Dr Fullmans judgement. "Ok" she says as she walks through the open door and into the waiting area.
"If you need me for anything, please don't hesitate to call me?" Dr Fullman says as the blonde passes by her.
Maura give the redhead a little nod in response. "Thank you". Leaving the Dr's office and making her way to her wife. Deciding whether or not to tell her about her own session. Wondering if it would heal them both or divide them further apart.
