Olivia walks in long strides down the sidewalk scanning and assessing the people as she goes out of cop habit

Undercover Days Chapter 12

Disclaimer: They are not mine but I will never stop playing with them.

Olivia walks in long strides down the sidewalk scanning and assessing the people as she goes out of cop habit. She licks her lip and tastes the remnant of Elliot's parting kiss. She reaches in her pocket and applies lip gloss as though she can cover the evidence of his touch. She's uncomfortable with having to talk about her personal life with her captain, well with anyone for that matter. She wants to keep her job and she wants to keep Elliot too. She wonders if she's kidding herself by thinking she can have both. Her agitation is driving her steps and she's at the precinct ten minutes early.

Once inside the building she has a wave of various emotions run through her. It feels familiar and comforting in that home-away-from-home kind of way. At the same time she has some hesitation about how the guys are going to react to her sudden disappearance. Walking across the worn wooden floor and breathing in the warm stale air she also feels a sense of longing to be back doing the job she loves to do. She can feel her eyes water in response to the heat of the room after the cold of her brisk walk.

It's the smell that hits her next and she knows it's because she only notices it after she's been away for a while. It's a mixed scent from the combination of body sweat, fear and alcohol permeating the walls of the holding area. Its burnt coffee and leather holsters, dust laden windows and old files musty from years of storage coming from behind the front desk. It's the shoe polish of officers in new uniforms and lemon polish rubbed into desks creaking with the ache of age from the offices. It's the precinct, always open, always humming with activity as lives begin and end within its walls. She smiles as she walks into the elevator.

As she steps off she runs into Munch, who does a double take before stopping.

"Well, look who's here! Where have they been hiding you Olivia?" His smile is genuine and she returns it in kind.

"Hi John, you know what they say, I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you." He looks over the top of his glasses at her and puts on his best shocked expression.

"Please tell me that they didn't get to you. You're not going over to the dark side are you?" She's laughing now because she can always count on Munch to be completely himself.

"No, I'm here to see Cragen." He arches his brows and shakes his head.

"I always knew you were a glutton for punishment. Elliot has been like a bear disturbed during hibernation since you left. I should get going; I'm on my way to catch up with Fin. Good luck with the boss." He reaches out and squeezes her shoulder before getting on the elevator.

"Thanks John."

She walks past her empty desk and returns a wave to Lake who is engrossed in a conversation on the phone. The Captain is sitting behind his desk doing paperwork when she strolls into his office.

"Hello Olivia, take a seat." Even when he smiles his face looks weary.

"How was working for the feds?" He's interested in what she thinks but he's also trying to find out if she's thinking of making a career move.

"You know how they are, they don't communicate enough and they always keep you on a need to know basis. You know how the assignment developed, it's not like they gave me a big choice in the matter." She leaves out the part about not feeling like they completely had her back.

"So, does this mean you're coming back to SVU because I still have your position open?" He's always been a man that got right to the point.

She takes a deep breath and he observes her hesitation with a curious expression. She knows the moment is here and for a second she thinks about omitting the truth and taking her job back by Elliot's side. "I would like to come back to the unit captain and I appreciate the offer but there is a problem."

She watches his face shift as he prepares himself for something unexpected.

"What would that be?" He looks even more tired and her resolve strengthens in that moment. She doesn't want to be here another decade and end up looking this defeated with nothing to hold onto but the job.

"I need to partner with someone other than Elliot." He rubs his face and pinches the bridge of his nose for a few seconds.

"I thought you two had worked through some things and were doing better. Didn't the break from him help at all?" She almost laughs. It helped her come more in the last few days than she has in the last few years but she's sure that's not what he meant. She realizes with some amount of horror that she is smiling, well grinning like a fool actually.

"The break did help and we have definitely worked through some things. As a matter of fact we're seeing one another and it's serious enough that I think we shouldn't be partners at this point. I wouldn't want it to compromise our jobs." He's quiet for a long time and she starts to worry about his silence even though she can see him thinking it through.

"Olivia I'm not sure what I want to do about this. I appreciate your honesty and other than this conversation you know I can't ever recognize what you just told me while we're in this building. The problem is that there will be cases that all of you work and although I can keep you from partnering with Elliot on a daily basis you would still be working with him." He pauses and she stays silent because she can tell that he's not finished. He leans back in his chair for a moment and looks up to clear his head. "You two have always been close and I've had to question more than once whether or not you were still effective as a team. I'm going to need a few days to think this through. I'd like you both to do a confidential evaluation with Huang. You have to be cleared by him anyway to return to duty. You know whatever my decision is, it's better for both of you if the relationship doesn't become common knowledge around here. It's one thing for people to speculate but they've done that for years and without any proof it doesn't mean anything." His eyes soften and she sees the acceptance in him even though he won't voice it. "When were you planning on returning to work?"

"As soon as I can, I've been through debriefing and I've been back for a couple of days already."

He knows her well enough to know that the casual front she's presenting is far from how she feels. "If you both can see Huang in the next few days I'll have an answer for you by Wednesday morning. Have either of you considered working SVU at another precinct?" He studies her, looking for a sign that her confidence in this decision is shaky but he doesn't find one.

"We talked about it briefly and if it comes to that one of us would transfer but Manhattan is our first choice and we both feel we can handle it." She doesn't blink or swallow in the way that nervous people do and he admires this quality that has always made her a good cop.

"You know the odds are against the two of you making it." He didn't want to say it but in the end he couldn't help the compulsion to warn her.

"Cap, the odds were against us being in this department more than eighteen months but after almost a decade we're both still here. I think we can make it work." She tries to stay steady but she's still wondering just how they're going to make it work even as she's professing that they will.

He feels her waver slightly in her last statement and he realizes that the relationship must still be new. Part of him thinks this may actually be good for both of them. It could conceivably clear the air and make their working relationship better. They've had all these complicated feelings between them for years and this may settle down that impulsive intensity that sometimes gets them into trouble. Then again it could turn out that they end up bringing relationship problems into the squad room and that would be even worse than all the slamming drawers and brooding. He's definitely going to have to give it some serious thought. They aren't like everyone else and its part of what has made them so good at what they do for all these years.

"Well I guess if anyone can it's the two of you. You're certainly both stubborn enough." He gives her a knowing smile and she beams back at him.

"I won't argue with that." He stands and she knows the difficult part of the meeting is over and all that's left is to grab a bite to eat. His phone buzzes as she gets up and it only takes her a moment to realize that they won't be going to lunch. He hangs up and turns to her.

"Sorry Olivia, our lunch will have to wait for another day. I'll talk to you by the middle of the week."

"That's okay; I certainly know how it is around here. Bye captain." She hears him from behind her as her hand reaches for the door.

"You look happy Olivia." He wants to tell her to make sure that Elliot keeps her that way but he knows it's not his place. Still he can't help thinking that of all his detectives she certainly deserves a chance at happiness. He just wishes that she had found it with someone less complicated than Elliot.

She knows his statement is as close as he'll ever come to giving some kind of blessing. She smiles at him over her shoulder and nods her head before leaving.

She goes by George's office on the way out but he isn't in and she decides not to leave him a note but to call him later. She's steps back outside and the cold bite of the wind nips at her cheeks and ears. She tugs her black turtle neck up a little higher and wishes she remembered to grab a scarf. She pauses on the sidewalk and tries Elliot on his cell phone, leaving him a message to call her. She briefly wonders where he is that he wouldn't answer his phone. She hears sirens screaming in the distance and as she goes to take a step a pain in her chest immobilizes her. The sudden sharp burst steals her breath and her hand automatically moves to her chest. She teeters slightly on her feet and then feels a hand on her elbow guiding her closer to the building. As she gratefully leans against it she hears George's voice asking her if she's okay. The pain is tight but she manages to lift her head and look at him. Concern is etched in every one of his features so she tries to nod her head in assurance. She holds up a finger to get him to give her a minute and closes her eyes as she forces air into her lungs. The ribbons of pain spread out across her chest, tightening around her rib cage. She draws another ragged breath and watches as George takes out his phone and flips it open. She puts her hand over it and shakes her head no.

"George, I'm fine, just give me a minute." The grip loosens enough for her to get air without sound and she tries to smile at him. The attempt is feeble and seems to be more of a wince. "I was just looking for you."

"Olivia you're white as a sheet. Let me call an ambulance." He is still clutching the phone but she manages to pull herself back upright and look at him with a little more clarity.

"Really, I'm fine. If you're not busy let's walk down here to the coffee shop and sit for a minute."

"I was just dropping off some reports but they can wait a while. Are you sure you're okay to be walking?"

"The movement will be good for me." She moves somewhat slowly, testing her strength and balance. The searing lines are thinning and the sharp edge of the pain has dulled to a tight ache. Her steps lengthen a little and he falls into stride next to her.

They walk down the few building to the café and take a small table in the corner. She's relieved to be sitting down. George orders them both a glass of water when the menus come and after she drinks some and sits for a few minutes she feels the remaining discomfort dissipate.

"Olivia have you seen a doctor?" He's all business and she knows that she scared him. Hell, she scared herself. She shifts and the old wooden chair creaks a complaint.

"It just started and that was the worst one."

"So you're going to make an appointment today?" He has the small smile that she knows means he's not going to let her off the hook.

"Seeing you doesn't count?" He genuinely smiles at her now and shakes his head.

"You know it doesn't. What's happening?" He watches her search for an explanation and settles back in his chair to wait.

"I honestly don't know. I was fine in Oregon and I went through the debriefing without a problem. The undercover assignment wasn't particularly stressful and I didn't witness anything that would prompt any trauma."

"Are you saying you don't think it's physical?"

She blinks slowly and stares at him in surprise. What was she saying? It didn't feel like her heart. It didn't feel like heartburn or an ulcer. It wasn't an injury unless she pulled a muscle without knowing it in the Elliot sex aerobics. "I don't really know." She suddenly doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

"What were you doing when it happened?" He's focused and she expects him to whip out a pad and start taking notes any minute.

"I was looking for you to schedule a return visit to be cleared to come back to work. I had just come from seeing Cragen about coming back and he wanted me to discuss a few things with you. I came outside and I was just gripped with this weird feeling and then my chest muscles constricted and I lost my breath."

"Olivia what were you doing when it happened before?"

"Nothing significant, it happened while I was standing in the bathroom, while I was sitting at the table and while…" She stops mid sentence because she knows it happened while she was rinsing the blood from Elliot's tub.

He knows she's stopped because something has struck her. He's surprised she's been so open with him. As private as she is it usually takes a while for him to get her talking. "What were you doing the first time it happened?"

"I was sitting at my kitchen table drinking tea and opening the mail that had collected while I was gone."

"What were you reading or thinking about when the attack started?"

She was working on her bills but she was thinking about Elliot. She was thinking about waking Elliot who was peacefully sleeping in her bed. She had made him a cup of coffee and taken it in to him. She wanted him to open his eyes. His broad chest and muscled limbs filled her bed and she was tempted to strip off her clothes and join him. After a few moments when the scent of the coffee didn't wake him she pulled up the blinds, flooding the room with the bright light of the late morning sun. She walked quietly back to the kitchen and waited for him.

She looks around the room nervously and then back to George. He can see that she's uncomfortable but he hates to stop the conversation when he can tell by her expression that she's made some connections.

"Olivia what's going on?" He waits for her to pull herself together. The waitress comes to the table and they order. She's grateful for the fleeting distraction. They sit in silence until their drinks arrive while she continues to turn things over in her head. She finally looks up at him, deciding she should get it over with. Her fingers wrap over the edge of the table and he notes that she appears to be bracing herself.

"George, Cragen is going to call you and ask you to do an evaluation on both Elliot and me. Besides the return to duty profile he wants to know if we can continue to work at the same precinct. We've started to see one another and he's afraid if I come back to SVU, even without Elliot as my partner there will be circumstances that could compromise our cases. He wants us to talk to you so you can determine if we're stable enough to stay in the same unit. He's hoping we can get it done in the next couple of days. That was the other reason I was looking for you"

He flashes her a broad warm smile which it's obvious she doesn't expect. Suddenly all her nervousness makes sense to him. "So how long have you and detective Stabler been seeing one another?"

"We only started a relationship last week. I asked to be assigned to a different partner." She thinks it sounds better than three days ago but it still seems like they've been in their own world for much longer. Her fingertips release the table and begin to trace a pattern over the smooth wood near her tea.

"You two have had a relationship for the last eight years; it's just the nature of it that's changed in the last week. Do you think the two of you can handle being in the same precinct?"

"I think we've always had a sense of responsibility for one another. I don't expect that to change. We've been partners for so long that even when we work with other people we tend to check on one another." She pauses and takes a drink of her tea, glancing at her phone sitting on the table near her. "I know Elliot thinks no one is as good at having my back as he is because after all this time we know how the other will react in a crisis. We have a certain familiarity and rhythm that comes with time." She turns the phone over and tugs a shred of paper from the edge of her napkin, rolling in it her fingers as she searches for words. "I don't think being in a relationship with him is going to make the situation any better or worse on a daily basis. I only see a problem if something goes wrong."

Her breath hitches and she sips some more tea, meeting his intense gaze. "What do you mean by something going wrong?" He watches her sigh deeply and her eyes dart from surface to surface.

"It's always in the back of our minds, all of us worry about that moment that something goes wrong and our partner gets hurt. I thought about it and if I was in the field with Fin or Munch and I heard on the radio that an officer was down and I knew it was Elliot…" Her breathing becomes shallow and slow and she concentrates to try to bring it back to normal. "I would have to go but to be honest I would have gone before too. It has to do with being his partner. I would go if any of the guys were hurt."

"But it wouldn't be the same if it was Elliot that was hurt would it?"

"No." Her voice is soft and she pushes the idea of Elliot being shot out of her head. The images have been part of her nightmares in the past and she doesn't expect that to change. "But George all partners have a connection, you know how it works out there."

"I understand the dynamic. I'll tell you what I'd like to see happen. First of all I want you to see a doctor tomorrow so we can make sure you don't have anything physical causing your shortness of breath. In the meantime, if it happens again you should go to the emergency room right away. There are all kinds of things that could be causing the issue and there's no way you can be cleared to go back to work until we know." He gives her a sympathetic smile at the look of irritation that settles over her features. He doubts she would have told him about the condition if he hadn't run into her during an episode. "After you see your doctor give me a call and I'll fit both you and Elliot in for the evaluations."

Her hands wrap around her tea in a motion of comfort and her eyes are fixed on the window. "I've always made my career my life and now that I want something more for my life I just don't want to have to sacrifice my career. It's possible to have both isn't it?"

He realizes her question is sincere and he gives her a reassuring smile. "Yes, many couples do both successfully but your jobs are more stressful than most so it's going to take work." He reaches over and touches her arm and her head slides around until she's looking at him. "This isn't about whether or not you deserve it Olivia. You do. This is about keeping everyone safe while you pursue both your career and your life." She sighs and he thinks it looks a little like relief. He doesn't say anymore because he knows they need a session in the privacy of his office to continue.

When she steps outside the sun is slightly warmer but the wind still carries a deep chill. She tells George that she'll call him and then watches him head back toward the precinct before flipping open her phone. Her head is spinning. She doesn't like the fact other people are making decisions about her life. She dials Elliot and listens to the ringing but snaps the phone shut in frustration when it once again goes to voice mail. She calls her doctors office instead and gives a brief explanation of her situation. She's known Dr. Martha Schiff since she was a resident and their professional relationship spilled into friendship. Despite their busy schedules Olivia tries to catch a cup of coffee with her when work takes her to the hospital and she can make the time. After a moment on hold the woman comes back and tells her that if she can be there in 20 minutes the doctor can see her today. She closes her phone and waves at a cab.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's ten after six when she exits the hospital next to her doctor's office and hails a cab. This is why she hates hospitals, because they poke and prod you and keep you for hours on end. She desperately wants to shower. There are spots of sticky residue on her body from the pads of the heart monitor and a thin sheen of gel from the echo. When she removed her shirt in her doctor's office the other woman had arched her brow and stepped back for a few seconds. Olivia had smiled at her old friend, looking very much like the proverbial cat that swallowed the canary.

"What? So, I'm seeing someone." The other woman laughed softly.

"Jesus is he a cannibal?" Olivia laughed out loud and the doc waited for her to settle before placing the stethoscope against her chest. That was almost five hours ago. Martha had ordered a battery of tests and thrown her substantial professional weight around to get them all done immediately. Even with that kind of pull it seemed to take forever. In the end all Martha could tell her was that all preliminary tests showed that she was in perfect health. The rest of her blood work and the final reports on her echo would be in the system by tomorrow afternoon and she could call Martha for the results. Her doctor didn't expect anything to show up though, she told Olivia to go ahead and schedule her appointment with Huang because at this point her conclusion was that the episodes were panic attacks. Olivia had stared at her for a full moment until the other woman had reached out and squeezed her hand and whispered to her that everything would be fine. The tests could've shown a lot of things that would have been devastating but she could be cured of panic attacks.

Panic attacks.

Olivia sits in the cab and actually laughs. She and panic are old friends, all the way back to her childhood actually. She has always experienced and managed her panic and now the thought that it's attacking her…well it strikes her as funny. The cab driver glances nervously in the rearview mirror; sure he has a crazy on board. Part of her is relieved that this is not something more serious and part of her is insulted to be diagnosed with something she considers a sign of weakness. She has to admit that when it happens it does feel like she's being attacked. It feels like someone has punched her square in the chest with all their might and knocked the wind right out of her. She needs to get this under control as soon as possible. The last thing she needs is to be out on the street and freeze up in panic. That would be a death sentence to her career. The thought sobers her up just as her phone begins to beep. She jerks it from her pocket and scans the calls. Elliot has been trying to get a hold of her.

Shit, Elliot. She's already irritated so the last thing she needs is attitude from him right now. He doesn't even know about the panic attacks and now she's going to have to tell him something. Shit, shit, shit. She snaps the phone shut and shoves it back in her pocket. She's already on her way home, there's no need to start the conversation on the phone. She taps a gum wrapper on the floor of the cab with the toe of her boot. How would she feel if Elliot was over five hours late coming back from a lunch? Pissed enough to tell him to not even bother explaining. Shit. Staring out the window at the street numbers climbing toward her home, she wonders how so many things managed to spin out of her control in just a few short hours.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Elliot places the pan of lasagna into the oven to finish cooking and then goes back to pacing with a beer. It's his third and although he's far from drunk at least the urge to put his fist through a wall has passed. She left over six hours ago to go to lunch with the captain. The conversation must not have gone well or she would've been home a long time ago. Even if she has to clear her head it's been too long for her to be out wandering around while she thinks about things.

He started to really worry two hours ago and that's when he opened the first beer. He tries to distract himself by cooking a meal that requires a lot of preparation but he still looks at the clock every five minutes. He doesn't know who he should call. He doesn't want to call Cragen and appear like he's already lost his grip when they're trying to convince the man they're fine working in the same unit. Olivia would kill him with his own gun.

He calls a friend in another unit instead to make sure there haven't been any accidents with anyone unidentified or involving a police officer. He calls to make sure there are no horrifying traffic back ups. He even calls a few emergency rooms just to make himself feel better. She left a message on his phone hours ago but never picked up when he repeatedly tried to call back. She's a cop but she isn't invincible.

In the middle of sucking down his second beer it occurs to him that she may have become overwhelmed and just left. Left him. Even though he's standing in her apartment, the irrational fear that she's gone becomes all consuming. There is no longer anything to give him even a micro spasm of relief. He can picture her sitting on a stool in the bar of a hotel with a drink in her hand deciding whether or not to get a room so she doesn't have to come home. His guts feel like they're twisting into knots and he's starting to hyperventilate.

He tries to calm himself. Maybe she ran into the guys and got to talking. For the entire afternoon? Maybe she twisted her ankle on a curb and is sitting in an urgent care center. After an hour of waiting she would have crawled out if she had to just to leave. Maybe Cragen took her to a new squad to introduce her. Okay, even if her father was the mayor of New York, no one would do that. Maybe she ran into a girlfriend and went shopping and lost track of time. She doesn't ever shop enough to lose time; she'd have to have had a lobotomy. Maybe she was so stressed she went for a run. In her boots? Maybe she's been in some kind of an accident, or mugged, or raped…

She could be lying somewhere wondering why he isn't there to help her. He stops moving and forces air into his constricting lungs.

His fists curl into tight balls that turn his knuckles so white the bruising almost disappears. He begins to pace again with the third beer dangling from his fingers while anger, fear and worry take turns surging within him. The buzzer for the oven has gone off twice and he looks at his watch again, it's ten after six. He sets his empty on the counter and takes out the lasagna to settle and cool.

He grabs a bottle from the fridge and goes to the television to turn it on so the room will fill with sound. Opening his fourth beer he decides that at six thirty he's calling Cragen.