12
"The scariest thing about these mental disorders is that we see the end conclusion to those who had lost the fight. Death is a far quicker, cleaner ending to those locked into their home by their own obesity, starving to death to find some satisfaction, sickly desperate for the drugs that give them that high, selfishly using others to enable themselves, and overall degenerate, miserable shams of society.
And when I look at them, I don't recoil in disgust. Instead, I stare and tremble, because I see myself. I understand how they got there, because I could get there so easily. All I'd have to do is give up and live. I feel for them. I get how hard it is."
As I wrote, a part of my mind drifted to the darkness, now a safe place, as a dark, closed closet would be. I imagined myself in a box, sinking into darkness unaffected by time, light, or the attention of anyone. Just a pause in life to let me sink and not feel or think. Perhaps, in this blank abyss, I could find myself again—find a point to keep on living.
I jerked back, staring at the half-assed report I had just gagged out.
Maybe…maybe I should go home. Maybe I am being affected.
But it wasn't like this was anything new. I was just paying attention to it now. All this had been there, I had just ignored it because no one wants to be around someone who constantly struggles from something that had happened years ago. But I wasn't struggling. I got straight A's in school, even if now my grades had gone to B, I was enjoying college. I loved studying ghosts and the paranormal. I loved going to Professor Davis's class. I loved his stick-up-his-ass walk and talk. It sounded so much like how I mentally cataloged everything, except better. Loud, up front, daring, he was sure in his skin. He was confident. He was beautiful. He was smart. He could stand on his own.
I gasped suddenly, unaware that I had let my throat close up. Lucky for me, the prof wasn't around, but Lin was, and he did look back at me. I forced my usual smile and shrugged, and Lin was all too happy to turn back to his monitors. Sucking up his delicious voice in a seashell and leaving the rest of him behind was sounding more and more attractive.
But, then, I was grateful he didn't pay me any attention.
I didn't get much time to recover, as the professor came in with a cup of coffee, followed by a happy Takigawa.
"Got to visit the Buddhist temple this morning," he said, beaming. "It looked just like the ones overseas! It was like walking onto a movie set! And the air of serenity—"
"Are you finished?" asked the prof.
I nodded and pushed the laptop over. I didn't quite trust myself to speak. He took up the laptop and started to read, and I spent the time listening to Takigawa go on about his temple.
After what could have only been a minute, Naru said, "This is worse than your usual. You didn't get anything."
"Do I ever?" and I tried to sound equal amounts cheery and exasperated, even as I sunk deeper.
"I actually liked some of your reports," he said, crossing a leg over the other and taking a sip from his mug. "They displayed an insightful creativity that the others seem to lack. Your writing is hardly college grade, yes, but, then, most of my students are. At least yours actually give insight."
I had never been complimented in so many words by Professor Davis—heck, I had never even heard him give a compliment, let alone one so large. By the look on Takigawa's face, he hadn't either. He caught my wide-eyed stare and mouthed, "He so likes you!"
Or it could have been anything else. I had no degree in reading lips or anything.
"But this," Naru shook his head, oblivious to our exchange, and handing me back the laptop. "This is trash. I might just send you home if you make another like it."
"The punishment is so vast," I said.
"Especially, since I get to decide whether or not you get to enter the upper level classes."
"But then you'd lose your top prodigy," I made sure to say 'prodigy' with the French accent.
"Then I'll just have to have kids," he said, with the straight-not-really-a-smile. "Or wait a year for new freshman. They make more of them every day."
"Hence the 'fresh'."
"Well," drawled Takigawa. "If you two are done…flirting," he batted his eyelashes. "We had some creepy rooms to explore?"
The professor gave him the ice glare. Takigawa raised his hands, as though that would stop the ice beam in its tracks.
But, more or less, we gathered together at the foot of the steps with Ayako and decided on the basement first.
Which turned out to be a huge disappointment.
For one, it wasn't creepy. It was well lit, painted white from the floor to the ceiling, and filled with pump engines, water heaters, and color coded pipes. Red, blue, green, orange—it reminded me strongly of my job back at the school where I help cleaned and maintain the boilers that heated most of the school. So, if anything, I felt right at home. No ghosts here.
At least it wasn't as loud. None of the engines were running, nor were any vents. The only thing humming away was the heater in the corner, and even then just to keep the rooms upstairs at a balmy 72 degrees.
"Oo, I perfect dungeon ripe for the murder," I said.
"No need to sound so bland," said Takigawa. "You could kill lots of people behind that stuff, and hang some more from the pipes."
"The serious way you two take your studies is invigorating," said the professor, all flat sarcasm. "You know the drill. Temperature, measure, floor level…"
We got to it. Meanwhile, the professor went around with the blueprint to verify if there were any hidden walls or odd, unused spaces.
But, it turned out, our findings were just as bland as my impressions.
I had higher hopes for the attic. After all, this was a stinking old house, there had to be some part of it that had remained untouched by the refurbishers.
To my disappointment, it had also been whitewashed, well lit, and otherwise modernified. Stacks of chairs, some tables, and cabinets filled up the far end. The majority of the attic, however, was empty, and so very white.
"If I had an attic, I'd paint it skin color," I said.
"She wants an attic full of skiiiiin," sang Takigawa.
"I sooooo want an attic full of skiiiiiin!" I sang back.
"A wonder why the two of you aren't dating," said Ayako wryly.
"Hey, I asked," said Takigawa. "You interrupted, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Sometimes my brain blocks out bad memories." She blinked dolefully. "Who are you again?"
Takigawa's expression went flat. "Really?"
"If one of you would check the cabinets for what's inside," said the prof, rather loudly.
Ayako and Takigawa happily did so. I followed up on another cabinet, but seeing Ayako and Takigawa had their hands on all four, I found myself wandering the empty abyss of the space. There was an air vent high on the wall on the other side, and I found myself daydreaming of turning the attic into an entire apartment. It would be a spacious one indeed, even with the slanted eaves. But that was part of the charm.
Caught in my daydream of where I would put my curtains and my books, I trailed my hand along the far end wall, feeling the cool, new paint.
The cool shot cold and crawled up my hand.
I pulled back, shivering.
"We should get cameras up here," said the prof. "Lucky, we have two left. Takigawa, Ayako, would you—"
The lights went out.
Without the lights, the attic plunged into a darkness deeper than black, the kind I really had expected from the basement, even with its tiny, lone window.
I jumped, but quickly relished in the dark. No one could see me here. No one…I was sinking in the dark. A break from reality, from thought, from feeling. The cold didn't seem so bad anymore, even as I registered my chattering teeth.
I wanted to stay here. Forever. Bring up my mother's blanket. Curl up right in the middle, cushioned with darkness on each side, smothered, the only sound my breath until eventually that too faded away…
My eyes snapped open, my face stinging. Ayako and Naru looked down at me, the first with her hand in the air. Takigawa hovered above them, standing, while I had somehow gotten on the ground.
I blinked hard. "Wha…did you just slap me?"
"Yes," said Ayako, as though proud of the fact. Yippy you, here's a trophy for obtaining the rare experience of slapping your roommate. Hoo ha.
"You weren't waking up," Takigawa said, and his face looked a bit wan, as though he had aged a few years. "You're okay, right? Did you just pass out or something?"
I just blinked, utterly confused, and, in part, disappointed. The darkness was gone. The comforting feel of those cushions, slowly pressing me into oblivion.
"Did the lights go out?" I asked.
"Only momentarily," said the prof. "Enough time for you to go from upright to the floor. Does your head hurt?"
"Does anything hurt?" asked Ayako, and this time her concern was very apparent.
I sat up, feeling more than a little awkward laying while everyone else looked down at me, and test wiggled myself. My shoulder did ache a bit, and there was a tender spot on my head at the same time.
"A little sore, but I think I'll be fine," I frowned. "I…I don't remember fainting."
"Then could you explain to the best of your abilities," said the prof, somewhat impatiently.
"I was…just thinking, when the light went out, how nice the dark was," I looked down at my tweedling fingers, suddenly very self-conscious. I didn't want it to sound like I was some weird emo longing for the darkness. "You know, how it can be kind of relaxing…"
"And…that made you pass out?" There was definite confusion in her voice.
"I don't remember passing out. I was just enjoying the darkness and thinking how I could get my m—favorite blanket up here and just take a break." I tried to give my most reassuring grin. "I really don't do well without a good night's sleep. I'm just crazy."
Ayako and Takigawa seemed to buy it, relief softening their features.
Naru, however, frowned. And boy, was that mouth made to frown.
"I think you better head home," he said.
I gaped at him. "What? No! We're just getting to the good part!"
"And I have the feeling the good part isn't telling us the truth."
"Really! I was just enjoying the darkness and thinking how nice it would be to curl up here with no one to see me and…" Takigawa and Ayako had a weird look on their faces. "I wasn't thinking about dying."
"None of us said that," said Ayako.
"Mai," Takigawa squatted down next to the professor, leveling his puckered, worried look. "Are you okay?"
I huffed. "You're making it sound like I just dropped to get attention. Yes, I'm fine, didn't we have cameras to get?"
"But are you okay?" This time it was Ayako asking, her done up eyes didn't do well looking motherly. The eyeshadow had been applied too heavily.
I opened my mouth, and for just a fraction of a second, I froze.
No. I don't know if I've ever been okay. Last night I remembered what it was like, just to wake up to the fact that it had been so long, I had forgotten.
Then I returned to the professor's marvelous frown.
Wouldn't it be so nice if I could impress him? If maybe, just maybe…I proved to be someone admirable? Someone beyond just insightful? I was already part way there if what he had said about my reports rang true.
"I'm tired," I said. "But I'm alright. And no, I don't want to take a nap, I'll just sleep well tonight if the professor is okay with that."
The prof looked to the ceiling in exasperation. "You lot make me sound like a slave driver. Since when have people become so lazy?"
Takigawa barked a single laugh. "Newsflash, prof. They've always been."
"And so they have." He stood. "Cameras, please."
