Chapter 12

Since he ran, Gou was able to make it to Starbucks in eight seconds. He found the shop in complete chaos. The two Kenma Rio had recently removed from his shop had come there and peed in the coffee pots. Gou did not have the heart to force them out into the cold, as the sky had been dark and threatening ever since Rio made that Kenma latte, so he simply scolded them. Gou felt sorry for them because they looked badly beaten up. Rageku even had her arm torn out of its socket and she was carrying it around with her. Out of pity, Gou offered them free scones.

The rest of the shop was in a bad state, so Gou got to work cleaning it up, taking care not to disturb anyone. The samurai were sleeping on the floor, naked and spooning. Jan and Mele were also asleep. Mele was sitting in Rio's meditating position, but Gou could tell that she had nodded off by her snoring.

Gou had succeeded in not waking anyone up as he licked up all the dirt and grime, then suddenly remembered something important. He had to tell Jan about Rio!

"I know where Rio is!" Gou said, shaking Jan awake.

"Where is Rio? I have to save him from the ghosts!" Jan shouted, accidentally headbutting Gou in the nose as he hopped to his feet.

"Have no fear, I exorcised Rio's demons when I sang my friendship song," said Gou.

"What about Rio being possessed?" Mele asked, who woke up at the mention of Rio.

"You can't save him with a song, Long told me I have to have sex with Rio," said Jan, annoyed.

"Oh, I didn't know you and Rio were like that. I am very happy for you," said Gou, secretly sad that his best friend apparently prefered Jan over him, though if anyone asked Gou would insist that his feeling for Rio were strictly platonic.

"You can talk to him? What is he saying about Rio?" Mele asked the muscled man.

This was an awkward situation for Gou to be in, as he wasn't sure that Mrs. Rio should know about Jan's desire to get frisky with her husband.

"Um, he says that he needs to perform a special kind of exorcism on Rio," said Gou.

"Why on ass- I mean why on Earth would he need to do that?" Mele asked. She had gotten used to pronouncing Earth as "ass" since she had been hanging around Maku the "Ass" Kenma.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but Rio is possessed by the ghosts that haunt this Starbucks. Jan says that the bacon egg wraps disappeared due to paranormal activity," said Gou.

"Don't be stupid, Rio and I stole the bacon egg wraps," Mele said bluntly.

"I don't believe that! Rio would not steal!" Jan shouted. Jan understood Mele just fine, but Mele could not comprehend anything he said.

"Jan says that Rio would not steal, and I agree with him," Gou said, translating.

"Why should your rules get in the way of Rio fulfilling his destiny?" Mele laughed.

"But if Rio stole the bacon egg wraps, that means my brother is suffering because of his crime..." said Gou, pondering the moral dilemma. "I swear I will not turn Rio in, because if he did steal the bacon egg wraps I am sure he had a very good reason for it. I will find another way to prove my brother's innocence."

"If you'll excuse me, I need to steal more bacon for Rio. He desperately needs it," said Mele, getting up and stuffing the bacon egg wraps into her bra.

"If Rio needs bacon, I will help!" Jan declared.

"Jan wants to help. Perhaps Rio could take him on as an apprentice, there is nothing left for him here," said Gou.

Meanwhile at RinJyuDen, Rio realized he had not thrown his fur in a long time. His hand crept up his shoulder, suddenly gripping the mantle and flinging it off like a badass.

Back at Starbucks, Mele was considering Gou's suggestion. On one hand, it would make it easier to get Rio to bed him if she did decide to make a deal with Long. The question was, could Mele bear the intense jealousy of seeing her man with this wild thing? Feelings that burn made one more powerful, the Water Kenma had assured, but she had been full of shit. Mele worried that Rio might chose Jan over her, rendering all their beautiful nights of lovemaking and romantic promises meaningless. Yet it seemed as though Rio had already forgotten about their last night together, since he was so focused on his work. If hiring Jan could help Rio achieve his goal, Mele would see that Jan was hired. There was nothing she would not do for her lover and his grand ambitions.

"Very well. You start in the morning," Mele told Jan, who proceeded to jump up and down with excitement. "But don't even think about coming in without shoes on."

Gou knew that Jan did not own a pair of shoes and probably didn't have the money to buy any. He took off his vegan TOMS shoes and gave them to Jan. He did not mind walking around barefoot, Master Shafu always said there was training in getting bruised feet. Jan accepted Gou's shoes with feigned gratitude, as they were a hideous neon salmon color and were a few sizes too big.

"Now I must prove my brother's innocence!" Gou declared, marching out the door.

Half a second after Gou left, Mele wondered why the door had slammed shut. She did not remember anyone entering or exiting the shop. Perhaps there was something to Jan's theory about Starbucks being haunted.

"Hey loser, get me all the bacon you have," Mele ordered Jan.

Jan nodded and obeyed. While he gathered the precious meat, Mele went into the men's bathroom to question Long about the possibility of ghosts. She also wanted to relieve the sexual frustration that she had built up while meditating.
In the bathroom, she found Rageku lying dead on the floor. Her blood, thick and purple like jelly, formed a puddle near her head. She had been shot.

"No, please! I didn't mean to fart on you!" cried Kata, backing out of Long's stall. Mele heard a gun go off and saw Kata's head explode. Luckily his brains did not get on her clothes. How she had not heard the first gunshot that killed Rageku, she could not be certain.

Mele wondered what Rageku was doing in the men's bathroom, and figured that she must have been there to help Kata wipe himself since Rio's punishment had left him without fingers. It was good of Long to kill him, for it would be too miserable to live without being able to rub one out, Mele decided.

"Poor Jan will have to clean all this up," Long laughed.

"No he won't, he doesn't work here anymore," Mele informed Long.

"Then Master Shafu will probably add them to his collection of fuckable cadavers," Long speculated.

"Is that why Jan thinks the Starbucks is haunted?" Mele asked. "Do the ghosts of Dan and whoever else Master Shafu has fucked to death still linger here?"

"No, I made that shit up to get Jan to fuck your husband," Long admitted.

"That is despicable! I will not help you use Rio and Jan like that!" Mele shouted, beginning to understand why Rio felt so protective of the boy.

"Yes, you will," Long cackled knowingly. "And when you do, you will return to me and I will give you the knowledge that you seek."

Mele stormed out of the bathroom. She could not do this to her Rio, how could she even have considered it? He would need to find the secret to the ultimate coffee drink some other way. Yet she could not shake the idea that Long's coffee knowledge might be Rio's only hope.

Mele headed home to take care of her needs with her luxury vibrator, Jan collected more bacon to give to Rio in the morning, and Gou sprinted to prison to do what was necessary to save his brother. Back with Rio, there was more than just coffee brewing at RinJyuDen. Yes, trouble was brewing as well.

"I don't think we should serve meat or dairy products," Maku suggested, breaking Rio's concentration. "Customers are all about organic vegan shit these days."

"This is my shop, I will serve what I want," said Rio, restarting his coffee ritual and hoping that Maku would leave him alone.

"Why would you ask for my help if you won't take my advice?" Maku asked as he turned the coffee machine off and forced Rio to look him in the eye.

"How can I make lattes without dairy?" Rio pointed out, starting to believe that Maku was as foolish as the other two Kenma.

"There is such a thing as soy milk," Maku said in a condescending tone that made Rio want to rip his throat out. Rio had never made a latte with soy milk before, so his curiosity kept his violent urges at bay.

"I will try your soy milk, but I will keep my bacon," Rio agreed. He could take his milk, but he could not take his bacon.

Maku nodded and walked back to the employee lounge, where Miki's child was smoking medical marijuana to relieve the pain from her cramps. Rio found some soy milk that had mysteriously appeared in the fridge and set to work making a latte with it. He could not let Maku have too much power over him, but it couldn't hurt to try something new. Starbucks did have soy lattes on their menu, but everyone who went to Starbucks was such a fat-ass that no one had ever ordered one. Rio planned to bring in customers whose tastes were more discerning, so knowing how to make a good soy latte might be a useful skill.

As Rio ground the espresso, he heard a shriek of pain that seemed to come from very far away. That shrieker who shrieked that shriek was Retsu, who was being interrogated once again. Ken used a giant robotic rhinoceros that looked like a children's toy to torture the rude little art critic.

"For the last time where is the gerbil?" Ken shouted. He no longer knew what type of rodent he was looking for.

"Up my ass! I put the gerbil up my ass because I'm a pervert and it has been roaming around my intestines ever since!" Retsu cried.

"Why do I care about your gerbil? I want to know about the wombat you stole!" Ken yelled, signaling his megazord to attack Retsu some more.

"I stole the wombat too, but I ate it so there wouldn't be any evidence. I told you what you wanted to hear, just let me go!" Retsu began to sob.

"Man, now I'll have to cut you open to save the innocent animals you kidnapped," Ken whined, knowing that dissecting Retsu would probably take a long time. He wouldn't be able to get home in time to watch his favorite show, Kitten Party: Friendship is Magic, and that made him very sad. Watching Kitten Party was always the highlight of his week.

On cue, Gou ran into the interrogation room yelling his brother's name. He threw himself over Retsu's body to protect him from the rhinoceros megazord.

"My brother is innocent, and I know who the real culprit is," said Gou. "It was I who stole the bacon egg wraps."

Gou could not find any evidence that would prove Retsu's innocence that would not also implicate his best friend Rio, so Gou's only option was to sacrifice himself for his brother. Rio and Retsu were the two most important people in the world to him, he would gladly give his life to save them.

"But who kidnapped the rabbit?" Ken asked.

"Uh, I did that too," Gou confessed.

"So this man was lying about eating the rabbit?" Ken questioned.

"No, I ate the gerbil and put the wombat up my ass," Retsu explained. "Or was it the other way around?"

"Whatever, I need to go home and watch Kitten Party. George R.R. Martin wrote the new episode that's on tonight!" said Ken.

"So my brother can go free?" Gou asked as he put handcuffs on himself.

"No, he has to stay here because I don't like him. He will be executed in a week or so, whenever I get around to it," said Ken.

If Gou had been playing a drinking game that involved taking a drink whenever an act of social injustice occurred, Gou would have downed so many shots of his favorite bacon flavored vodka that he would have been blackout drunk.

"That is not fair! I trusted you Ken! You were like a brother to me!" Gou yelled to his partner. Gou's plan of self sacrifice hinged on Ken's honor, and Ken had failed him.

In his anger and despair, Gou's strength tripled. He snapped the chain of his handcuffs and began beating the megazord that was hurting poor Retsu. Ken and Retsu, still not quite sure why this man had randomly appeared in the middle of the interrogation, were shocked by how he took down the rhinoceros. Gou had dismantled the megazord that was the world's strangest torture device in a matter of seconds. Ken blinked and forgot that Gou was there, so he was very surprised to see this powerful man standing over the remains of his zord.

"Hey man, you need to chill," Ken advised.

Gou threw the decapitated rhinoceros head at his traitorous partner, knocking him out. Gou was surprised that he had done something so violent, but he had been left with no other choice.

"Brother, we must act quickly. If we switch places, you can get out of here," Gou said, taking off his pants and handing them to Retsu.

"What are you doing?" Retsu asked. He would have been shocked by the impressive bulge in Gou's briefs, but his vision was fuzzy after all the torture.

"It is a far, far better thing I do than I ever done," said Gou, King of Obvious Literary References. "We are brothers, so if you wear my clothes you may be able to pass yourself off as me. This will allow you to be free while I die in your place."

"Why would you do that?" Retsu wondered.

"You are my brother, I would do anything for you," said Gou. "I only ask that you check up on the orphanage where I volunteered, and tell my best friend Rio my last thoughts were of him."

"I still don't understand what is going on," Retsu was getting annoyed.

"I wrote a song about brotherhood for you, would you like me to sing it?" Gou asked.

"Please don't torture me anymore," Retsu groaned. "I don't know who you think you are, but I am the Great Fukami Retsu and I want to be left alone."

"Brother, please, let me help you," Gou insisted.

"I don't have a brother!" Retsu screamed.

"Please, this running joke where everyone I love pretends they don't know me is very clever, but in my last moments I would prefer we be honest with each other," said Gou, giving Retsu a hug. Retsu pushed him away.

"I am not joking. I have no idea who you are," said Retsu, staring at Gou with cold eyes that did not recognize his kind face.

Gou's heart shattered into a thousand miniscule pieces that could never be put back together. He was prepared to die for his dear brother, yet Retsu could not even remember him. The grief was too much to bear, so Gou turned into a wolf and leapt out the window of the interrogation room.