Disclaimer: Once again I don't own Glee or Definitely, Maybe. All rights go to RIB and Universal.
Chapter 12: Why Rachel Left
"Okay, you can't put this off any longer Dad. Why did Mom leave?" Charlie asks. "It's complicated Charlie. I obviously can't explain this as well as your mom could but I'm going to give it my best shot. I want you to know that your mom loves you ok and this wasn't your fault, ok?" I say. "Dad just tell me. Please." Charlie says and the look in her eyes at that moment isn't of an 11 year old. It's the same look she gave me when her kindergarten had a mom an daughter evening when she was 5. It was a look of sadness. Wanting to get it over with quickly and as painlessly as possible I began to tell her the next part of the story. The worst part.
(A/N: The next part of the story will be in Rachel's POV so you can see inside her head as she leaves)
I was awoken by the sounds of Charlie crying. Again. I threw the covers off my bed and walked into her room. And that was when it happened. I broke down. All the tears of the last few months released. I picked Charlie up and tried to comfort her but she only cried more. She hated me. My own daughter who I loved so much hated me. I sunk into the chair beside Charlie's crib. I couldn't do this. I was tired, tired of feeling incompetent, inadequate and quite simply a terrible mother. So I went back into my room and started throwing my clothes into a bag. I couldn't do this anymore. I loved my daughter and yet I couldn't take care of her. She didn't want me. I was about to walk out the door when I realised. I hadn't said goodbye. To Finn or to Charlie. I kiss Finn one last time then pick up my bag and walk to Charlie's room. She is still crying. I pick her up and rock her back and forth. I may be a terrible mother to Charlie but I at least want to be able to tell myself that I said goodbye. So I softly sing her a song from Funny Girl.
Funny
Did you hear that?
Funny
Yeah, the guy said
Honey, you're a funny girl
That's me
I just keep them in stitches
Doubled in half
And although I may be wrong for a guy
I'm good for a laugh
I guess it's not funny
Life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over and the joke's on you
A girl oughta have a sense of humor
That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a funny girl
The fella said a funny girl
Honey how it ain't so funny
Funny girl
By some miracle, I think she tired herself out Charlie stops crying. But she doesn't fall asleep. She opens her eyes and looks at me as if she knows what I am about to do. I feel like I should whisper an apology to her for being such a bad mother. And yet I know I'm doing the right thing. Charlie loves her Dad. And she hates me. I'm a rubbish mom so I'm doing us both a favour. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. I kiss Charlie's forehead and put her back in her crib. "Goodbye" I whisper and look at my beautiful daughter one last time before walking out the door.
It's been 2 months since Charlie's birth. Rachel's been off lately, angry, detached from Charlie, barely able to sleep or eat. So when I stretch over to Rachel's side of the bed and find her gone I think, oh no she's cracked. And sure enough her stuff is gone. I go into Charlie's room and there on the chair is a note. It reads:
Finn,
I know you're probably going to hate me for this and I understand, I do.
I can't do this anymore. I could've kept pretending that I wasn't overwhelmed by Charliebut I'm exhausted (literally and figuratively). I love you and this is why I have to do this. I don't want you to realise that I'm a failure. I can't even pick up my own daughter without her crying. So I'm going to go and do what I was meant to do. Be on Broadway. An you have to do what you were meant to do. Take care of Charlie. You're her real parent Finn. I would never be a good mom- I never had one. So make sure Charlie knows that I love her but please don't tell her everything. She'll have enough to deal with knowing her mom took the coward's way out and left. Just tell her that I love her. So much. An that's why I have to leave. I don't want to screw her up. And I know you won't.
I love you Finn and you'll be an incredible Dad. Without me.
Goodbye,
Rachel
I sink into the chair beside Charlie's crib and look at my daughter sleeping. It's just me and her now. The woman I love has got away from me. Again.
"So it was my fault?" Charlie asks. "What would make you think that?" I ask her. "Because if I hadn't cried when she picked me up she never would've left" Charlie says. "It's not your fault honey. Your mom had postpartum depression. She was so deep into her depression that she left" I say. "But I caused her depression. It's my fault she left!" Charlie yells. I put my hand on Charlie's arm and sit her down again. "Your mom was stressed. And you cried so much because you were a very colicky baby. That was what caused her depression. And it wasn't your fault Charlie. It's a medical condition" I say. "Why didn't she come back?" Charlie asks. "Now that I have no answer for" I say. We sit in silence for a few minutes and then Charlie asks "Is that the end of the story?". "Yeah. Everything on from that you know" I say. "Thanks for telling me" Charlie says. "You're welcome munchkin. Now grab your coat" I say. "Why?" she asks. "Because we're going to find your mom" I say.
A/N: The song was Funny Girl- Barbra Striesand. All rights go to owner.
NEXT TIME: They find Rachel.
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