Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.
Thanx for your lovely comments. I guess some of you don't like clifhangers...well, at least I haven't kept you waiting for too long ;-) Please enjoy the next chapter...
Chapter 12
Meredith's POV
My pregnancy test came out negative and for a moment I felt disappointed but then I shook my head; what was I thinking? Derek and I hadn't even talked about having children, let alone planned to have a baby and now wasn't a good time anyway. Pushing the thought of having Derek's baby out of my mind, I signed the consent form for my head scan, and handed it to Derek, together with my watch and hospital ID card.
'I'll take care of these,' Derek said softly, giving me an encouraging smile. I swallowed hard because his eyes said the rest; and I'll take care of you.
Almost mechanically, I walked over to the scanner and lay down on the hard narrow bed, making sure I could see the radiologist in the adjoining room. I closed my eyes as the scanner bed moved backwards into the tube, waiting nervously for the pulsing, knocking sounds to begin; the noise to signal that the magnetic field was moving over my head.
Please, don't let there be anything wrong with me.
Please…
The second the scanner stopped humming, the door opened and Derek was right by my side to help me off the narrow bed.
'And?' I nervously brought out.
'He's sending the results to my computer right now,' Derek announced softly.
I swallowed hard because I knew, Derek had been sitting right next to the radiologist, watching the screen over his shoulder. I knew he'd seen the results. If they'd been negative, he'd already told me. He would have definitely picked me up, twirled me around and assured me everything was fine and he would have been smiling. '
But right now, Derek's face was a mask and he carefully measured every word; which meant…there was something wrong with my head.
Holding my breath, I froze, couldn't remember how to talk or how to walk. But somehow Derek was there, strapping my watch back on my wrist and clipping my ID card back on my scrub shirt. I had no idea if he spoke to me. I couldn't hear a thing; just a weird humming in my head as if I was still lying on that narrow bed. I took me a while before I finally realized we were sitting on one of the wooden benches in front of the hospital.
'I thought we were going to y…your office,' I said a bit shaky.
'No, I thought we needed some fresh air.'
'But…you have to talk to your patients and I'm late for rounds. Derek, I'm gonna be late and—
'Meredith,' Derek said softly.
My stomach churned painfully, 'There's something wrong with me…huh?'
'Yes.'
'Tell me,' I whispered while I closed my eyes.
'Maybe, I should get your mom or dad first,' Derek said.
'Derek, tell me…please?'
He took in a deep breath and took my face between his hands, 'Look at me,' he whispered.
I opened my eyes and gazed into Derek's blue ones.
'You have a brain tumor,' he said softly.
'How big?'
'Meredith.'
'How big?' I insisted.
'Thirty-three millimeters.'
I knew the stats; most patients died within a year after the diagnosis if the tumor was malignant. If it was benign and I would survive, residual nervous system problems could occur, memory loss, thinking, perception and even carrying out simple everyday tasks could become difficult.
I swallowed, 'So much for my career as an upcoming Neurologist.'
'Don't do this Meredith,' Derek said softly while he took hold of my hand. '…You're gonna be fine but you need to think about how you want to handle this.'
'I…I can't,' I could barely get the words out of my mouth, '…I…I can't think straight.'
Derek wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, 'You don't have to take a decision right away. Maybe it's best if we take the rest of the day off?'
'But…I've got rounds and you have patients to see.'
'They'll understand.'
'You think I can't work,' I said stubbornly.
'I wouldn't expect anybody to work after hearing news like that,' Derek raked a hand through his hair. 'You need time to come to terms with this and I don't want you to be on your own.'
'You can't cancel your patients,' I hurried to say.
'Watch me,' Derek said grimly.
I placed a hand on his chest, 'No. I don't want you canceling patients for me. I just need time to think.'
'Should I call Lexie?' Derek asked.
'No, you can't call her. She's staying with her sister Molly,' I said.
'What about your mom?' Derek said.
'My mom,' I mumbled, '…is the last person I want around me right now.'
'But, She…and your dad need to know,' Derek said softly, his eyes incredibly sad.
Ignoring his words, I shook my head, 'I'm going home alone…I'll be fine.'
Derek nodded, 'Do you want me to tell them?'
'Would you?'
Derek nodded and held me close, as if not wanting me to go. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest then I heard him whisper, 'I love you Meredith. And you're going to be fine. I promise.'
'Go back to work Derek,' I said as I freed myself from his embrace.
'I'll be with you as soon as I can…and I'll bring dinner, OK?' Derek smiled and placed a tender kiss on my forehead before we went back into the hospital; Derek to see his patients and I to get my things.
...
I took a cab back to my place and ignored Derek's messages, he texted me between every patient. I just needed time to think.
A brain tumor.
I could just leave the damn thing where it was; watch and wait. If it was malignant, I'd be dead in a year. If I had it removed, I would know for sure; malignant or benign. If I wasn't having symptoms from the tumor, the stats pointed me to an operation. Except my brain tumor wasn't symptomless. I had a hole in my visual field and awful headaches. So I had no choice. I'd had to have the operation. But how could I make a decision if I didn't know all the facts? I switched on my laptop, flicked into my internet connection and Googled every online medical journal about brain tumors…
Derek's POV
When I walked towards the Chief's office, I spotted Ellis and Richard from afar. Good, they were together. Taking in a deep breath, I knocked on Ellis' door and entered.
'So what's this about,' Ellis asked immediately. 'You said you didn't want to talk about it over the phone. Are you leaving Seattle Grace Hospital?'
She was as ever, straight to the point. Just like Meredith.
'Ellis…Richard? There is no easy way in telling you this but…Meredith needs an operation,' I blurted out.
'Are you breaching your patient's confidentiality?' Ellis snapped at me.
I clenched my jaw. 'I'm telling you since you're her mother, Ellis.'
'ELLIS!' Richard yelled. 'I think we need to listen to Derek, not accuse him of anything.'
I sighed inwardly.
'What's wrong with our daughter?' Richard asked.
I took in a deep breath,' She has a brain tumor.'
'A brain tumor? Ellis started rambling nervously. 'Is it operable? Are you doing the surgery? You have to Derek. You're the best Neurologist of the country.'
I shook my head and sat down. 'Ellis…I can't do it.'
'What's the problem Derek?' Richard asked. 'You're her attending. I'm sure Meredith wants you to do the operation.'
'I can't perform the operation because Meredith is my girlfriend,' I said quietly.
'How long has this been going on?' Ellis demanded.
'About six months.'
Ellis' eyes narrowed. 'Meredith hasn't mentioned you to us…at all.'
'She had her reasons Ellis,' I said. '…You would never have approved our relationship. I'm a divorced man and older than Meredith but you need to know, I would never hurt her. I love your daughter!'
Richard shook his head. 'I don't believe it; Meredith…a brain tumor?'
'She needs you,' I cut in. 'Both of you…though she won't admit it.'
'I know how good you are at your Job, Derek,' Richard said while he placed his hand on my shoulder, '…I want you to do the operation.'
'It's not ethical. Not when I'm involved with her,' I objected. 'Would you operate on Ellis? Suppose Ellis had an accident. Would you feel confident enough to work on her in the OR?'
'I'd do it…if it were Richard,' Ellis interrupted without hesitation. 'Because I'd want to know he'd get the best possible care.'
'Me too,' Richard said. 'If Meredith wants you, you need to do Derek.'
'Does Meredith love you?' Ellis asked.
'Yes.'
'That's the most important thing.' Richard held out his hand. 'Then I guess it's a deal!'
I shook Richard's hand. 'I'll talk to her. If Meredith wants me to…I'll do the surgery!'
Ellis took in a deep relieved breath, 'Where is she?'
'Home.' I said.
'Then go to her,' Ellis insisted. 'Tell her what you've told us. Tell her we love her very much and if she needs us…call us, OK?'
Meredith's POV
The moment I ended my internet connection, my phone rang and I knew who it was before I answered.
'Hey. I just called to ask what you want for dinner.' Derek asked.
Nothing about my brain tumor. Derek sure knew how he needed to deal with this; professionally. At a distance. Not trying to smother or panic me.
'I dunno,' I mumbled absently.
'Thai, Chinese or Pizza?' He urged me again.
'Whatever's nearest,' I said.
'OK. Pizza it is. See you in half an hour…OK?'
'Fine.' I sighed. I could cope if Derek kept things like this; light…not intense. Not as if I was dying.
I sat curled up on my new sofa watching a movie when my intercom buzzed. I dragged myself drom the sofa and pressed the answering switch to let Derek in. I didn't wait for him but opened the front door and curled up on my sofa again.
'Hey.' Derek entered the living room, carrying a huge bouquet of white roses as well as a large pizza box.
It were the flowers that did it.
Flowers.
What people gave at funerals.
Biting my bottom lip, I whimpered and started to cry. With a muffled curse, Derek set the food and flowers on the table, joined me on the sofa and pulled me onto his lap. He held me close, stroking my hair and letting me sob into his chest. After half an hour or so when my shudders finally died down, he pulled back far enough so he could kiss my forehead and the tip of my nose.
'I'm sorry,' I choked. 'I'm acting stupid.'
'No, you're not,' Derek said while he stroked my cheek. 'You're human. You've had a hell of a shock today. He swallowed. 'A shock that was all my fault. I panicked and bullied you into having that scan.'
'I'm glad you did. If we had not discovered my…'
I let the sentence unfinished because Derek knew what I meant. If they'd caught my brain tumor much later, my chances to survive would have decreased considerably.
'Hey…you're gonna be fine! We know about it now and we can do something about it.'
'But you bought me flowers.'
'To cheer you up.'
'People give flowers at…,' I closed my eyes, unable to form the rest of the sentence and tears started leaking from my eyes again.
'People give flowers at happy times,' Derek said softly. 'For birthdays and just to say I-love-you…and to make you feel good when you're having a bad day…like today.
I knew he wanted me to feel better…
I smiled. 'I'll go put them in water.'
When I got off from the couch, I noticed Derek's shirt was soaked.
'You're shirt's wet.'
Derek pulled me down and brushed a gentle kiss over my lips, 'You can get me out of my clothes any time you want.'
'How about now?' I asked shakily.
'Meredith?' Derek's eyes widened.
'I…I really need you,' I whispered.
Derek nodded and rose from the couch. He took my hand and let me lead him to my bedroom. Slowly, he undressed me, kissing every piece of my skin he uncovered, burying his face in my hair; my beautiful, long hair that smelled like lavender.
A lump started to block my throat again; in a few days my hair would be gone; shaved off…
'Derek.' A muffled cry came from my lips as I kissed him as if it were the last time.
Sensing how I felt, Derek was especially gentle when he touched me. Stroking me all over, kissing his way down my spine. Rolling me over onto my back and kneeling between my thighs and then…sliding deep, deep inside me.
Derek's POV
Our lovemaking was more intense than ever before as if our bodies had suddenly become super sensitive. I could hear every breath then came from Meredith's lungs and I was almost sure, I could even hear her heart beating and every brush of her skin against mine. When her body rippled around mine, I buried my face in her shoulder.
'I love you,' I whispered.
She didn't say it back and I knew why. But it was alright; she didn't have to say it…I felt it. And right now as my climax answered hers, I was sure Meredith felt it just as deeply as I did. We would make it…find a way to overcome this. Just holding her was enough for now…
Hours later when it was already dark, I heard Meredith's stomach rumble.
'The pizza is cold, but I could reheat it in the microwave,' I suggested softly.
'No,' Meredith whispered. Reheating take-away leftovers is the quickest way to get food poisoning, and I need you to be well.'
I frowned. 'And why is that?'
'Because,' Meredith said softly, 'I've decided this afternoon. I just can't watch and wait with this this…thing in my head. My health is still rather excellent and I want it to keep that way so I'm having the operation.'
Relieved I closed my eyes.
'So…when are you operating?' she asked.
And that was the question I feared. She wanted me to do it. But how the hell could I stand in an OR with the woman I loved on the operating table and cut into her brain?
'Isn't it more important, I look after you when you're out of the Intensive Care,' I tried carefully.
'What are you saying Derek?' Meredith stared at me. 'You've removed multiple brain tumors. You're familiar with microsurgical techniques. I've seen you work Derek…you're the best Neurologist in the country.'
For a moment, I closed my eyes, 'It's not ethical…I'm involved with you Meredith.'
'We've kept our relationship quiet. Nobody knows…so you won't get in trouble.'
'I don't give a damn about getting into trouble. If I'm saying that I'm involved with you, it means I can't be focused enough.'
'That's easy to solve.' Meredith stubbornly folded her arms. 'As from now…we're through.'
Considering we were still lying in bed together…naked, I shook my head. 'No, we're not. And even if you end this, it's not going to stop me from loving you.'
'Look at me,' I challenged her softly.
Meredith twisted around to face me, 'I c…can't end this…I love you.' I smiled and kissed her. I needed to feel her mouth on mine, feel her breasts pressed against my chest and her heart beating.
'I love you too. And nothing's going to change that,' I said softly when I broke the kiss.
'Then do this for me Derek. Please?' Meredith's breath hitched in her throat. 'If I have this operation, I need to be in the hands of someone I trust.'
My voice cracked. 'If anything goes wrong, how can I ever live with myself again?'
'It won't go wrong. I believe in you.' She paused. 'If you let Nelson do it, and it does go wrong, won't you always be asking yourself, "What if?" Won't you ask yourself if you could have done it better…done it right?'
Of course I would and we both knew it.
I swallowed hard but then I gave her the answer she was praying for, 'OK...I'll do it!'
'You'll do it?' I guessed, she needed to be sure.
'Yes. But there's something I want you to think about. You're literally putting your life in my hands. If I don't do it, I could lose you. If I do it and something goes wrong, I'll lose you.'
'Nothing will go wrong,' Meredith assured me softly.
'We don't know that for sure. Meredith, I love you. And that's why I'm doing it. But if you put me through this, you don't get to walk away afterwards. Meredith Webber…when this is all over, will you marry me?'
To be continued in Chapter 13...
