CHAPTER TWENTY

LIFE GOES ON

LEAH CLEARWATER:

I am trudging dejectedly through the Autumn leaves, with my eyes looking downwards and my face full of sadness.

Time is flying by, the year is almost over. It is 31st of October today, Halloween. Scary for me as it signalled that there were only two months left until my birthday. Or as it's more commonly known around here "the double wedding". I inwardly cringed as I thought of my impending marriage to Embry. Everything was arranged now. My Mom had helped out a lot. We were kind of speaking now. She just wanted what was best for me, but she also didn't completely agree with the Elders, but annoyingly enough she went along with it all. Everything was flashing by me so quickly and I felt like a grain of sand in a whirling sandstorm. I was blown along, powerless to stop the inevitable happening. Now Bella had just informed me that there were no female shape shifters living with the Amazonian Quilette tribe. I was devastated.

I was on my way to see Jacob Black, who's emotions right now were the complete opposite to mine. He was ecstatically happy to be marrying his Nessie. Lucky him. Mine and Jacobs friendship was still there but we definitely were not as close. I resented the fact that as joint Pack Alpha he had sided with the Elders on the decision to arrange my marriage to Embry. Don't even get me started on Sam, we barely spoke before all this happened due to him dumping me for Emily. Now we didn't exchange any words at all. That was just fine with me. I'd had enough of all the Pack males except Embry! We got on fine, in fact we got on really really well but there was no hint of any romance or passion between us at all. Not just on my side but his too. We just didn't feel that way about each other. It made what we were about to do much harder in a way, because at least if I'd been a little in love with Embry I could've entered into the marriage with some hope in my heart that it may work somehow.

Embry and I had spoke of the situation to each other, and of course I'd confided in Bella but no one else knew. The Pack and Elders all thought they'd created the perfect match in me and Embry. Huh, what did they know! We agreed we would keep up the pretence that we were the perfect couple but we had both decided that once we were married we needed to think up a plan quickly to get out of our responsibility to produce offspring! I know everyone was just dying for me to have shape shifter babies, especially girl ones. We didn't know what we would do, we just needed to get the wedding out of the way, then decide what to do. Keep them off our backs for awhile. It was a crazy situation.

Of course I still loved Etienne. It was almost a year since he had left. Silly naïve girl that I am, I still believed he would come back for me. I still had this burning feeling I would see him again. The dreams had definitely stopped. I hated that I couldn't even see him in dreams now no matter how hard I tried to remember them every morning when I awoke. The strange sleepwalking and bruising which accompanied my dreams of Etienne had stopped too. I missed the dreams. They were the only connection to him that I had left. Bella reckoned the dreams had stopped because I was finally enjoying life again even just a little bit. She was right. Embry was like my own personal sun and I needed him in my life now.

When I arrived at Jacobs house all he could talk about was Nessie this and Nessie that. Wedding this and wedding that. Yawn! He finally got around to asking how I was and he told me he was glad Bella and I were finally friends. He was also happy that they had made a good choice of a husband for me in Embry Call. He winked at me when he made a comment about how good we looked together and what a change there was in me. Huh! Obviously his love for Nessie had made him blind to the real world! It was probably due to me and Embry actually getting along together so well for real. No one else had to know it was only friendship. Jake knew I wasn't the type to gush, I held my feelings close to my chest most of the time. He would not think it was strange that I didn't ramble on about Embry and how much in love we were. He did enough of that for the two of us! I didn't mention Etienne ever again to him since I first confessed my true feelings last year. I kept that to myself. Bella was the only one who knew how I really felt. I brought out my special treasured memories of Etienne when I was alone in my room at night. I played our favourite songs, I gazed at and stroked his photos and I held whole conversations with him in my mind. I smiled and nodded appropriately at whatever Jacob was prattling on about now. Something about how he couldn't wait for us both to be part of a married couple. We could socialise together and have each other round for dinner. Yawn!

I soon made my excuses and left to make my way home. The air smelled of Winter. It would be here soon. There were a few children out trick or treating, I made a swift short cut to avoid them. I so couldn't be bothered with Halloween. I already lived the supernatural life for real. My Mom was sitting by the cosy fire when I got in. She smiled at me from her fire side arm chair as I pulled off my boots and wriggled my toes to warm them. "Hey Leah, fancy one of my special hot chocolate drinks to warm you up, love?" I shook my head, "I'm fine thanks Mom. I'm just gonna head for a bath then bed." I retorted. She smiled but I saw her sigh. She was sad that we didn't have the same mother daughter relationship that we used to have. Normally I would go in and sit with her and chat about our day. When I was small my Mom was my hero. When I was a young teenager we were such good friends. That was before I knew she'd signed the dotted line giving the Elders permission to take over my life. I could not see us being close again after this. But she was my Mom, so maybe one day I would understand. "Goodnight Mom" I said with a plastered on smile. "Goodnight Leah" she replied.

After my lovely relaxing bath I lay on my bed listening to our song over and over. I hadn't done this for little while. A few lonely tears escaped and ran down my cheeks. I took out my favourite photo of Etienne. I had taken it on First Beach one moonlit night two summers ago. He was gazing out towards the ocean, his face in profile. So handsome. He had a beautiful, perfect face. I traced his jaw line with my finger, a sudden rush of sadness and loss overwhelming me. Would I ever see him again? Ever touch his cool skin or kiss his lips? Would we ever talk deep into the small hours again? Or just hold each other close? My heart would never heal. I needed Etienne. Where was he? Why hadn't he come back? New Years Eve was looming like a dark shadow. Embry and I would soon be forced into forming a union we both did not want nor desire. We didn't deserve this. To be married off to someone neither of us were in love with. It wasn't right or fair. I considered running away. Where would I go? I would never know if Etienne came back for me if I ran. I couldn't make Bella betray her friends and family to help me again. I had to stay. Just in case. I couldn't win no matter which way I turned. I didn't want to be ostracised from my friends and family forever. There was no choice, I had to stay and marry Embry. For better or for worse.

I lay face down on the bed and let my tears flow like a a river.