A/N: Hello lovelies! So sorry for the delay. I've got it all worked out now. We should be done here before Christmas. Onward!
Bella jolted awake from a nightmare she forgot the moment her eyes opened. She had no memory of her dream - only the residual emotions. Panic. Fear. Helplessness. Frustration. She gasped, her thoughts spinning, hopping crazily.
Something wasn't right.
She was alone.
Again, her body lurched, this time out of bed. She was tangled in her bedsheets, so she only managed to send herself sprawling to the ground. Desperate, she thrashed, her thoughts reeling, wondering how they could have come and taken Jasper away without her realizing. Had she slept through it?
Had he called for her? For help?
Slowly, awareness seeped in.
The room she was in was warm - quite unlike the basement they'd been held in. The house was quiet, different.
Safe. She was safe in Forks, surrounded by people who loved her, who wouldn't ever hurt her.
Except Jasper had. Her arms ached from the way he'd gripped her. She shivered when she remembered the way his face twisted with anger, his words and expression so utterly malevolent, she was dreadfully sure he was going to beat her. Thathad felt awful. Sickening. Her mind had rebelled because she honestly, truly believed Jasper would die before he would raise a hand to her.
Recalling the absolutely green look on his face when he realized what he was doing, Bella knew she was right. The man that had towered over her, who had grabbed her hard enough to bring tears to her eyes, wasn't herJasper. He'd had a bad dream. If she'd woken up as she had only a minute before believing one of their kidnappers was there in the bed with her, she couldn't say she wouldn't have done the same thing.
Climbing to her feet, Bella looked around the room. Of course he wasn't there, and he wasn't in the bathroom. She'd sent him away. Her stomach twisted with guilt. It was probably the worst thing she could have done. Obviously, he hadn't hurt her out of malice, and he had to have felt so utterly sickened by his actions. But she'd been caught up in fear, her mind not quite able to separate him from the people who had threatened them both.
Well, she was going to correct that now. Dawn was only barely breaking. It was probable no one else was up. She could find him and help him.
It didn't take much to find him. She'd only just stepped outside the door to their room when she spied his form, curled up on the floor in the hallway. The expression on his face was not peaceful though she could see he was sleeping. Bella's stomach twisted. She could see the gooseflesh on his skin, the way he wrapped his arms around his torso tightly. He was cold and probably had been for hours.
Kneeling by his side, she brushed hair back from his forehead, calling his name softly. His brows furrowed, his lips turning down at the corners.
He came awake with a growl, bolting upright and lunging, grabbing her by her wrists and pinning her down. Again.
"Jasper!" Her cry was frantic. Loud. Loud enough to snap Jasper out of it.
And loud enough to wake Edward up.
Jasper and Bella had both scrambled into sitting positions on opposite sides of the hallway when Edward emerged. They were both staring at each other, somewhat wide-eyed and a little breathless.
"Fuck," Jasper muttered under his breath, rubbing his eyes with his fists.
"What's going on?" There was an edge to Edward's voice, his eyes moving back and forth from Jasper to Bella.
Swallowing hard, Bella tried to keep her voice steady as she spoke. "We're just... talking." The words came out kind of feathery.
Edward scrutinized her. "In the hallway?"
Jasper raised his head, massaging his temples. "I... I'm going to take a shower," he muttered, pushing himself to his feet and stumbling in the direction of their room.
"Bella, what's going on?" Edward's voice was soft but firm, and she could feel his eyes on her even as she watched the door close behind Jasper's quickly retreating form. Her throat was tight with emotion she didn't know how to process.
Jasper was hurting. She was hurting. And she didn't know what to do about it.
"Bella."
Edward was standing over her now. Bella closed her eyes, letting him help her to her feet. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before she opened her eyes again, facing him with a small smile. "It was a long night." This was the truth at least.
For another long moment, Edward watched her. Then, wordlessly, he pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm here if you need to talk."
"I know."
Honestly, she wouldn't have known where to start. Some part of her screamed that of anyone, she should definitely tell Edward about Jasper's violent outbursts. He would help. He wouldn't judge, but there was a protective instinct that tied her tongue. Logically, it probably didn't make sense.
Her protectiveness was all she'd had for too many days on end. It was difficult to let that go even now that they were safe.
Safe.
"It's fine. We're both fine," she said, more to herself than him.
Edward looked uncertain, unhappy, but he nodded. "Okay," he said simply.
~0~
Bella had been downstairs with everyone else most of the morning before Jasper finally showed his face. Even then, his glance was furtive. Mostly, he looked down, not meeting anyone's gaze.
Luckily, Rosalie had dragged Leah out of the house - gone to explore the tiny town of Forks. Apparently, after her little hissy fit the day before, she and Rosalie had talked for hours.
"Rosalie understands what asshole ex-boyfriends can do to a person," Emmett explained. His perpetual smile tugged down into a thin line. "Believe me, what Royce did to her is way worse than Leah's boyfriend, Sam, leaving her for her cousin. Perspective helps, or that's the idea anyway."
Bella was just glad Leah was far away when Jasper finally decided to join them.
Wordlessly, she moved to the microwave, warming a plate of food from the breakfast the rest of them had devoured hours before. Actually, she'd only picked at her food, tired and more than a little anxious. She wondered idly how long it would be before she would have any degree of comfort when he was out of her eyesight.
Now that he was there, she rested a little easier even though the air between them was strained. She wanted to be able to tell him everything was fine, but she knew it wasn't.
When they'd been down in the basement, she'd occasionally awake from nightmares with Jasper's arms tight around her, his voice soothing in her ear. "It'll be okay, Bella. We're going to get out of here, get a buttload of therapy, and live happily ever after," he would murmur.
That was all they needed: time and a little therapy.
For the time being, she did what she could. She warmed him a plate of breakfast and set it in front of him even as he sat staring down at the table, shame pouring out of him so thick she could almost smell it.
When he looked up at her, his expression was lost. Bella sat next to him, gnawing on her bottom lip in her uncertainty. She didn't know what to say, and she was well aware Edward, in particular, was watching them closely. Finally, she offered him the same small sign of affection and togetherness he'd offered her the morning before, placing her hand palm up on the table.
He stared at it, as if not comprehending what he was supposed to do, for a painfully long breath before he put his hand in hers and tightened his fingers. Shuddering slightly, he leaned forward, tilting his forehead against hers.
"Is everything okay?" This time it was Seth who asked, his dark eyes worried. "What my sister said yesterday-"
"Don't worry, kid." Emmett interrupted him, moving to stand behind Bella. "You don't have to apologize for Leah. Everything is fine." He rubbed Bella's shoulders.
Hissing in pain, she recoiled away from him.
"What's wrong, Bella? Are you hurt?" Edward asked, his brows furrowed.
"I'm fine," Bella said, wrapping her arms around her middle self-consciously.
Jasper's eyes were horror-struck. Bella tried to move away from him, but he was too quick. He yanked the collar of her shirt down, exposing her shoulder. When he saw the mottled blue and purple bruise that colored her skin, he gasped, all the blood visibly draining from his face.
"Oh, jeez, Bella. I'm sorry," Emmett said quickly. "I didn't know you were hurt."
Bella just shook her head, pulling her shirt back into place, her eyes on Jasper. His breath was more like a wheeze, the sound sharp and troubled. He looked like someone had a grip on his balls and was squeezing. Hard. His color was ashen.
For a pregnant moment his eyes met hers. Guilt, self-loathing, horror played clearly across his features. Bella reached for him but he stood and stumbled backward. His mouth opened and closed before he shook his head, bolting back up the stairs so quick he was almost a blur.
"She wasn't hurt before." Edward's voice was tight, his anger barely restrained. He stepped in front of Bella. "Did he do this?" he demanded.
Bella shook her head, not to deny what he was asking but because she knew that look in his eyes. "It was an accident. He didn't know what he was doing," she said quickly.
"What the hell?" Emmett asked in disbelief.
Edward was beyond furious. With a low growl, he took a step toward the stairs, but Bella grabbed his arm, holding him back. "Edward, don't. Don't! He didn't mean it."
"I don't give a damn what he meant!" Edward snarled, wresting his arm from her grip.
He took another step forward, but Bella got in his way, her expression and posture fierce, protective mode on. "I'm not going to let you hurt him." Her voice was low - an oath. When protectiveness got the better of her, she felt absolutely lethal.
It was enough to give Edward pause.
"Listen to me," Bella implored. "I'll tell you what happened."
~0~
The tightness in Jasper's chest was nearly unbearable. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe at all, but he pushed through the pain, rushing around the room, packing hurriedly. Tears he refused to shed made his eyes sting, making it hard to see as he tried to get everything together.
He felt like he was going out of his mind.
When he found out about Alice, he'd been knocked breathless. It was a sucker punch to his gut that made him nauseous and sent his world spinning out of control while his heart was left behind, trampled and beaten into the dirt.
Somehow, this was worse.
What happened to him and Alice was something that had been done to them. As much as he kicked himself for encouraging Alice to find her birth mother, as much as he wished he could take it back, he'd recognized that this was an unfortunate twist of circumstance. It wasn't his fault. It was just one of those things - life happening of its own volition. Life happened to everyone in some way, shape, or form.
But this...
Jasper shook his head hard, but the images of the vivid bruises on her shoulders - so blue and purple they were very nearly black - were burned behind his eyelids. From the very beginning of their acquaintance, he thought he would kill anyone who hurt her, but as far as he could remember, the only one who had ever marked her skin was him.
His stomach roiled, and he felt dizzy. He had to stop in his tracks, fearing that he would throw up, or combust, or collapse under the weight of his emotions. He felt like a monster, and he was at a loss to explain how he'd gotten there. The fear in Bella's eyes, last night and this morning - fear of him - was like a knife twisting in his gut. He couldn't calm down, not with those images in his head.
The door to the room opened, sending Jasper into motion again. Bella would forgive him. She already had forgiven him. It was in her nature to understand these inexplicable things. She wasn't disgusted that he'd been fucking his sister; she would claim to understand why he'd been violent enough to bruise her so badly.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
Jasper froze.
Of course. He should have expected this. Edward was, if possible, even more protective of Bella than he was. Frankly, now that he thought of it, Jasper was more than a little surprised it had taken him this long to come after him. If the situation had been reversed, Jasper would have torn Edward limb from limb the minute he saw those bruises and asked questions later.
Rather than answer, he shoved the last of his dirty shirts into his duffle and zipped it closed. Shouldering the bag, he made for the room's only exit.
Edward blocked his way, closing the door behind him.
Choosing to stare at the floor rather than look up at the other man, Jasper's nostrils flared. "Let me out of this room, Edward."
"Not a chance." He was pissed, that much was certain. If he was going to come at him, Jasper wasn't going to stop him. Part of him felt some relief - it was difficult to kick his own ass, after all.
But Edward didn't move. "I'll leave," Jasper promised, his voice raw now. He was beginning to shake, to tremble. If he had to stay still for one more second, he would go right out of his skin. "I won't get near her again, but you have to let me out."
Edward took a deep breath and blew it out. "That isn't even close to a productive solution. Sit down."
Self-loathing was a potent bedfellow. He could hardly stand to be in the same room with Edward, let alone the same house as Bella. He needed to get out of there. "I'm not going to sit down," he said through clenched teeth. "Get the fuck away from that door."
Edward didn't move. "Jasper, everytime I think about the bruises on Bella's arms, I want to break your fucking nose. So really, give me a reason."
Jasper's thoughts were wild. He almost lunged forward, almost forced Edward's hand. It would feel better if someone hurt him; he deserved it.
The sound of the duffle bag hitting the floor startled him, made him jump. "I would never hurt her." The words were whispered, confused. He ran a hand through his hair, gripping tightly.
"You didhurt her."
Jasper began to pace. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware he must have looked like a madman in that moment. He felt so completely overwhelmed. Sickened. Wrong. And he couldn't get a handle on his breathing at all.
Edward sighed. "I understand that you didn't know what you were doing, but you'd better explain to me what the hell happened right now." There was no room for argument in his tone at all.
But Jasper was already shaking his head. "I can't do that." The need to run, to be out of this room, was gaining on him again. He glanced up, but Edward hadn't moved.
"Figure out how." Edward's words were an order, a demand. "You're out of options."
"Just let me go. I told you. I'll leave." Panic was beginning to prick at his lungs. His throat felt raw.
"And I told you it's not going to happen." His voice was so maddeningly calm, Jasper wanted to hit him. "Deal with it. You can talk to me or if you still need to beat on someone, it sure as hell isn't going to be Bella."
Jasper's head snapped up, and he stumbled backward as if struck. "I wouldn't... I didn't..."
The expression on Edward's face gentled somewhat. "No one can help you unless you talk, Jasper. Just spit it out. Tell me what caused this. Tell me what you remembered yesterday that triggered all this."
"He wanted to rape me, okay?!" Jasper finally shouted. The last word came out as no more than a wheeze as all the air was pushed out of him by that admission. He felt so dizzy, he fell right down on his ass, his knees drawn up to his chest, his head ducked down in a picture of complete misery. His body had been trembling before, but now he shook. Hard.
To that point, he hadn't let those words, that knowledge, sink in entirely. Now, it was as though his body absorbed it all - the degradation, the violation, the terror... the realization he was so close. It could have happened to him. It would have been so easy.
He whimpered. "He wanted to," he whispered.
Jasper's body tensed as Edward approached, but the other man merely sat in front of him, giving him plenty of space. "Who?"
"What the fuck does it matter?" Jasper bit out. He didn't want to think the name. He wanted to stuff all this back into the recesses of his mind and lock it up tight so it would never get free again. His skin had broken out in a cold sweat.
"Who, Jasper?" Edward insisted, not letting him run.
Jasper's breaths came in huffs. "Demetri." A chill ran down his spine as he said the name. He rocked slightly. "If Aro hadn't been there to stop him, he would have." His voice was hardly more than a whisper. "I wouldn't have been able to stop him."
They were perhaps the hardest words he'd had to say in his life. Never had Jasper ever thought he could feel so utterly powerless. Never.
He rocked harder, trying to outrun this feeling that had his throat closing and his chest constricting painfully.
When Edward touched his knee, Jasper recoiled. "Don't!" he snarled.
"Okay. You're fine," Edward soothed.
Jasper just shook his head, resting his forehead on his knees. "I don't know what to do," he admitted.
For a long minute, they just sat together, Jasper trying to catch his breath, trying to breathe through the weight that threatened to crush him. There was no room in his lungs for air.
"Jasper, you know I'm not a professional, but I'm what you have right now," Edward said slowly. "Just talk to me. We can figure out a gameplan. If nothing else, it might help."
It was the absolute last thing he wanted to do.
"You can't just run away from her. You know that. It would just be a different way to hurt her."
Jasper's heart twisted. He huffed. "Okay." There was hardly any volume to his voice. "Okay."
~0~
This was going to be the polar opposite of extremely easy.
When the door opened, his heart began to pound fast. He couldn't make himself look up, still ashamed he'd hurt her and aching because he knew he was going to hurt her again.
"Jasper?"
Her voice was so uncertain. Jasper sighed and lifted his head, wincing when he saw her expression matched: uncertainty and fear.
But also tenderness.
He held his hand out to her, imploring. Despite what he'd done to her, she didn't hesitate. She just stepped forward, putting her hand in his and letting him tug her to his side.
Gingerly, he wrapped her in his arms. She clung to him tightly.
For long moments, he just breathed her in, hating what he was about to do. "Bella... I need to leave."
Under his hands, she went stiff, her breath catching. "What? No."
"I need to," he said firmly.
Bella shifted, leaning away from him, wrapping her arms around herself instead. "You don't need to do that," she insisted. "I... What you did... it wasn't your fault."
"Maybe not, but it will be if I stay," he said quickly. Swallowing around the lump in his throat, he reached out. She flinched, trying to bat his hands way, but he needed to see. Carefully, he pulled down the side of her shirt, looking at the shoulder that hadn't been exposed earlier. Sure enough, there was a matching set of bruises there.
He remembered thinking he was grabbing Demetri hard, throwing him down, pinning him to the bed.
Bella took his hands, bringing them down and threading their fingers together. "You don't need to leave," she said again. "You shouldn't. You-"
"Bella," he stopped her. "I already have to live with this." He drew the fingers of his free hand down her shoulder. "It's already too much. Do you know how much it kills me that I hurt you?" He shook his head slowly. "I'm not going to risk that again."
"Jasper..."
"But that's not the only issue," he continued, needing to get through all of this. Again he looked up, cupping her cheek as he spoke. "Most of all, I don't want to hurt you, but I also need this for myself."
Her expression was wary, but she stayed silent, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.
Jasper's conversation with Edward had been very enlightening. "I've been so completely out of control of my life for a long time now," he began quietly. "What you did for me after Alice... it was exactly what I needed. But since then I haven't worked, I haven't moved forward. And maybe that was fine when I didn't know what I wanted, but now I do." He took a deep breath, nerves making gooseflesh break out on his skin. Running a thumb over her lips, he looked on her steadily. "Now I want something so bad, I can taste it."
She blinked at him, raising a hand to press over his against her cheek. "We're stronger together than we are apart. You said that." Her voice quivered. She was close to tears, and it broke his heart.
"Sugar, I'm not leaving you," he promised. "That's the last thing I want." Sighing, he rested his forehead against hers. "I'm in love with you, Bella." Of everything he had to tell her tonight, this was actually the easiest.
"Jasper... I love you, too."
He smiled. They were such beautiful words. He couldn't help but lean forward, kissing her softly before he pulled away again. "I love you, and I want to be better for you. I need to find some control over my life again, over myself, and I need to know you're safe - safe from me."
She pulled back slightly. "That's what we're doing here. We're here because it's not safe."
"Even if there are others out there who have plans, they aren't after me," he said slowly. "And really, Bella, I think it's worth that smaller risk. I need this."
Closing his eyes, he told her everything then - all of what had happened with Demetri and Felix when she was away from him. Bella was horrified and guilty that she hadn't known, hadn't been able to comfort him. She couldn't get her arms around him fast enough.
"I can help you," she whispered.
"You can. I told you, I'm not leaving you. I just can't let you, your family, your friends, drag me through my life anymore."
"Jasper..."
"I'm sorry." He kissed the side of her cheek. "That sounds unappreciative. It's not, it's really not." He pulled away, wiping the tears away from under her eyes. "I need to take control of my life, and then I swear I will find my way back to you."
Tightening her arms around his neck, she squeezed hard. He held her, stroking her hair while she cried a little. "You'd better come back."
"Bella, I won't lose you again."
It was a promise.
A/N: Two more chapters, lovelies. So many thanks to jessypt for finding the answer to the question I was struggling with. Thanks to barburella, jfka06, and ginnyw for putting up with my whining.
