AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Okay, here is the next chapter, and it's a 'filler' chapter, and it's fluffy/angsty, and I swear that Lana will tell them…you just gotta give her some more time. I was going to change things and have her tell them sooner rather than later, but I feel like she's at this place where Dean is still so anti-demon things that she doesn't want to lose him when she finally has him back. She'll do the right thing in a few more chapters.

This chapter also comes with a smut warning.

WARNINGS: Rated "M" for Sex, Language, Dirty Thoughts, Innuendo, Blood, Violence and Dark Themes.

ENJOY!

xxxx

I had three reasons for dragging Sam and Dean to Kansas the first week we were looking for Ava: Kansas is where everything seemed to have begun, Jen was getting more and more pregnant every day, and it was Christmastime. When we got to Kansas, Sam spent the first two days nonstop calling and talking to Ellen, and I spent time with Kevin and Jen and helped with everything else. There was also the slight problem that I had run into once again when it came to the boys—a misunderstanding…they didn't do Christmas.

How could a person not do Christmas? I mean I understood that some people didn't celebrate it and that it was something that Sam and Dean hurt from since their Christmases were apparently never good but…it was the one thing I felt accomplished with. I had no details about why they didn't do Christmas, but I just knew that if I wanted Christmas…I was most likely not celebrating it with the boys…and now I understood why the last Christmas neither of them had called me back when we had all separated.

"What are you saying?" I asked Jen suddenly, trying to wrap my mind around things.

Jen sighed and I knew she was trying to word it perfectly. "Look, Lan, I'm just saying that maybe you should try to look at this from a different angle. The only way you're going to find Ava is if—if you talk to the demon."

Kevin had made it practically a rule not to talk about demons in front of him while Jen was pregnant and not in front of her belly should they pick something up in the womb—his over protectiveness made me smile—but it wasn't like they wouldn't learn about it someday. So every time Jen went to talk about it, she'd look around, make sure he wasn't there, and then lower her voice to a whisper. Jen and I were eating some homemade cookies while Sam and Dean were out trying to find leads on Ava and still letting me be settled in for a little while…letting me hang out with Jen until Christmas was over…and possibly New Year's if I agreed to Dean's terms and 'special favors'…we'd see about that.

"I get that, Jen, but are you sure you're not just saying that because you're still mad about me letting myself almost die?" I asked her. "That somewhere deep inside you want me to go put myself in danger and fight to survive because you're twisted and then you'll regret saying it later?"

Jen sighed loudly. "It's more than that, Lan. It's that you were willing to sacrifice yourself. What would have happened if Sam had turned and then in turn got you guys infected? What then? It was reckless and stupid. I know that you love them, and I know how much they mean to you and I get that and I love that, but you should have wanted to fight to live."

"I know, but…I just didn't know what to do without Dean. I love him more than anything, and I just wanted to be with him in the end…I couldn't just leave and let him and Sam kill themselves, Jenny." I explained with a sigh, reaching out and resting my hand on her stomach, running my thumb along it through her shirt.

"I get that, Lan, but at the same time, I just wish you had thought about it before you went and offered yourself up to the demon practically just because of a boy." Jen explained with a shrug, resting her hands on mine. "I have nothing else to say on the subject, you know what you did."

I smiled at her. "I do love you, Jenny. And you two, yes I do. My little Goddaughters."

"There could be a boy in there!" Jen exclaimed, smacking my shoulder. "You'll give him a complex."

I laughed and looked up at Jen. "You just want a boy so Kevin won't want to try for more kids when this is over."

Jen had only ever wanted to have the two kids—preferably one at a time and four years apart. That had always been her plan and then Kevin had gone and impregnated her with twins and now she was going to be done in one final swoop and she wanted a boy…because she and Kevin had always wanted to have a boy. I was still fairly certain that she was going to have girls and maybe that was just because I wanted her to have adorable little girls that looked like her, but still.

Sometimes thinking about what those little girls would look like, made me a little reminiscent because I had hoped that mine and Dean's child would be a good combination of him and I. I also wanted my kids to bypass the whole 'powers' thing, but I knew that that would never happen so it honestly was just wishful thinking on my part. Man…I wished I could have had that baby. It made me want to see the gravestone I'd gotten for it—the one that Jen had helped me to put together.

"Hey, are you okay, Lan?" Jen asked as I looked at her stomach and my eyes started to glaze over a little with tears.

I looked up. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just—I really want my mother."

I handed tried to smile because I didn't want to bring her down or anything, but I was really upset and I didn't know what to do about it, so I stood up. Bringing down Jen's mood was the worst thing I could possibly do because I was so happy for her and what she had—children on the way, a husband, stability—I was jealous of her in so many ways. It made me start to think about where things were headed with me and Dean and I honestly didn't know…I didn't know if he thought about the future like I did…I didn't know if he would ever consider marrying me…and I realized as I started to head out of the room that I actually wanted to marry him.

"Lanni?" Jen asked and I turned a little to look at her.

"Yeah?" I asked her.

"I can tell them not to bother you." Jen told me with a nod, understanding of what it was I was about to go and do.

I gave a sad smile. "I'll have my phone off, but you can tell them I'm at the cemetery. Either one or both of them will try and come to see what I'm up to, and I honestly don't mind that—sooner or later they'll know, right?"

Jen nodded and I left the house, heading to my car and drove all the way to the cemetery, pausing when I parked and taking a deep breath. Jen and Kevin had been letting Sam, Dean and I stay in their guest rooms and I hadn't even been back to my house yet because there was some work being done on it…and I wasn't sure I could do this either. I took a deep breath though and headed to the grave marker, smiling at Bethany's and Marcus' graves and then my eyes settled on it: 'Casey Morgan Winchester: Beloved Child'.

I had to take another deep breath to stop the tears from coming, and I put my hands in my pockets, looking at the grave marker softly. Jen had helped me to pick out the marble and the engraving and all of the little things, and I knew it had to go where my adopted parents had been buried…that had just felt right to me. Suddenly it dawned on me that I should have told Dean about it at least, but he never wanted to talk about it, and neither did anyone else…I didn't even like to talk about the miscarriage.

"Hey, Sweetheart," I said softly, dropping down to my knees.

I ran my fingers along the gray marble and tried hard not to cry—this was the child that could have been…the child that Chelsea had killed. If I hadn't been shot—if I hadn't have needed surgery—I would have been able to carry this baby to full term and be a mother…but I was never going to get that chance, and I was never going to get this baby back. My poor baby had never had a chance, and neither did my hopes of Dean and me becoming a family and building our own.

"I know that I haven't been by at all, but I'm still getting used to not having you around." I tried, my voice choked up. "I miss you so much. I have dreams about you sometimes, you know. Dreams where Daddy and I are excited to have you…dreams where there were no complications and we got to hold you…dreams where everything got to work out. I…I love you, I hope you know that. I would have given anything to get to have you…and even though Daddy hates to talk about it…I know he would have to."

I couldn't say anything else no matter how hard I tried to. I started to choke out my words every time I opened my mouth and so I just ran my fingers along the marble and then kissed my fingers, touching them to the headstone. This was all I had to offer…I had been stupid enough to just come on a whim. Where were the flowers? Where were the talks about how good all the other things were going?

"Visiting your parents?" Dean asked me.

I wiped my tears away and then I stood up and took his hand, shaking my head. "Nah, with my parents I can stand and cry all at the same time."

Dean nodded and then looked down at the headstone. "Casey Morgan…Winchester."

I nodded slowly as he started to tear up and then he turned to me and I knew what his eyes were asking. He wanted to know why I never told him, and why I had decided to name the baby what I had named it and yet he didn't say anything. Why couldn't he just say something? It hurt, and I knew it hurt, but why couldn't we deal with it together? Why did he have to ignore everything?

"Yeah, so…Jen and Sam both hit dead ends and wanted to have us home for dinner." Dean said with a nod.

"Dean…you can talk about it." I told him softly.

He shook his head. "They need us."

"Dean—"

"—Lanni…please don't push me. I wasn't ready to visit with Mom's headstone, and I'm not ready to visit with Casey's."

Sometimes I just wanted to punch him and he knew it by the look in my eyes as I took my hand away from his and put it in my pocket. I understood that it was hard for him—I did—but at the same time I wished he would at least make it look like he cared. This was the grave of our child, the one that was taken away from us, and all he could do was think of his stomach—normally I would find him cute all hungry, but right now it was just simply ridiculous.

I walked away from him and heard him sigh, getting into my car and driving to Jen's, parking and heading inside. Dean came in shortly after and I smiled at Jen who had a meal made, and Kevin and Sam were actually talking to each other. It was a little strange, especially when Dean joined in, and so I went into the Kitchen and Jen looked up as I came in, smiling at me. It made me kind of happy to know that she was happy, but right then I was certainly not happy.

"How did it go?" She asked me.

I shrugged and then made a face at Kaydence that made her smile a little. "He…he ignored it…everything. I know I shouldn't be upset but I'm hurt, Jenny…I'm really hurt…"

Jen sighed and kissed my cheek. "Well, he hasn't dealt with his own mother yet either. I mean maybe I'm biased because I have kids inside of me now, but even though the woman gave him life and he knows her better, it was his flesh and blood that was taken from him. His child—his and your child—the child of the woman he loves with all of his heart—is six feet under…sorry."

I waved it off. "No, it's okay. I thought about all of that. The woman raised him and though he's the father of the baby I lost, if he can't cope with her death, I can't expect him to cope with this…so I shouldn't feel this bad, right?"

"It almost makes you want to feel sorry for him, doesn't it?" Jen asked me slowly.

I nodded at him. "He's had it hard."

Jen nodded in agreement and then I helped her with some of the serving bowls and plates and went out to put things on the table. The boys' eyes lit up as they saw us coming with the food, and I smiled at Kevin as he leaned up to kiss his wife. She had worked to make a huge dinner and he thought that she was just the bee's knees…and I was so proud of him…so glad that Jen and Kevin were happy.

"It smells wonderful, Sweetheart." Kevin told her, kissing her softly, all of us sitting down and starting to pass the food around.

Jen smiled at him. "Thank you. I worked hard to make it good."

"Where were you earlier?" Kevin asked me after he said grace.

"The cemetery," I told him, putting a piece of chicken in my mouth.

"Were you visiting your parents?" Sam asked me, glancing over.

I shook my head. "That wasn't why I went."

"She was visiting our kid's grave marker." Dean said and everyone was suddenly silent. "Could you pass the mashed potatoes, Kevin?"

Everyone looked at us for a moment, Kevin passing Dean the potatoes since he had gone from slightly depressive to wanting potatoes instantly. I couldn't blame him for being stoic—it was the way he coped with things, but at the same time, I didn't know quite how to deal with the fact that he seemed to just get over it, and I was stuck on it. How come Dean could move past this and I couldn't?

"The food is excellent." Sam told Jen, getting the focus off of me and Dean.

Jen smiled at him. "Nice to know it's appreciated."

"What kind of desert did you make?" I asked.

"I knew you'd want pie, so I whipped up an apple one—might not stand up to yours, but its good." Jen replied with a shrug.

I nodded, and we all had a nice dinner before Kevin and Jen got up to go and take a walk outside before bed, and then Sam went into the closest guest room, leaving Dean and I in the farthest one from everything—I swear it was planned. Either they wanted us to sex everything out, or they wanted to give us a place where we could argue without disturbing anyone. I kissed Sam's cheek swiftly and told him to sleep well and then I followed Dean into the guest room and took a deep, silent breath.

The two of us changed in silence, and then I was the first one in bed, lying on my side with my back to the middle of the bed. I lay there with my eyes closed for a good ten minutes before Dean finally got into the bed, and then slowly wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body close to him, glad I wasn't resisting at all. It felt nice to feel his chest heave against my back, and I loved his heartbeat…no matter how mad or how sad or how hurt…this was where I wanted to be.

"I'm sorry," He whispered to me, placing a kiss behind my ear softly.

I felt his right hand slide up my arm to my open palm, and our fingers entwined.

"It's all right," I said, kissing his hand and snuggling into him more as we pulled the covers up around us.

"No it's not." He replied, shaking his head. "I deal with grief more stoically."

I nodded slowly. "I know."

"It isn't fair to you," he said softly and his voice was shaking a little.

I squeezed his hand. "We deal with things differently, honey. I get it. Just because you don't look sad, doesn't mean you aren't torn up on the inside."

I turned over to face him as I heard his breathing change, and my heart broke at the pain written all over his face. I leaned in and kissed him, tracing his bottom lip with my tongue after a moment when he responded and ran his fingers through my hair, and he parted his lips for me. It felt so nice, his tongue swirling and pressing against mine, but then he pulled back and shook his head and we made eye contact.

"I don't deserve you, Lanni," he whispered.

I rolled my eyes and kissed him again, and then after pressing my forehead to his, I turned over, both of us lying in our original position. We lay there silent for a long while until we fell asleep and then in the middle of the night I woke up and turned over to find out that the bed was empty. I found a note on his pillow that read:

I had to do something.

Back in a bit.

Every nerve in my body was hoping he was at the cemetery, and so I dragged myself out of bed and grabbed a robe. Then I hurried to the cemetery and was surprised that he was actually there, standing next to the grave marker and running his hand down his face like he did when he was contemplative.

"I don't know what to say," he was saying to the headstone. "Your mother deserves so much more than all of this, you know? God, she loved you. I think all of this messed her up a little bit, and I wish I could fix it, but I can't, Man. She's broken…and to be honest…so am I. I honestly miss knowing you were in her stomach. I know your mother knows about the baby name book and the names I liked because she picked them…she even gave you my last name instead of hers…I think she wants more from me than I think I can give her no matter how much I love her." He added, starting to tear up again. "I've thought of asking her to think about retiring this job, but I think she feels the need to do this for you. To get back at the demon for sending us things that put us in danger—to find and kill Chelsea for doing this to her in the first place. I don't blame her…I won't ever forgive him for this, Casey—I swear to you…and I'll take care of your mother. I love her…I love you."

Dean nodded like he had said what it was that he had needed to say, and turned around to see me standing there. He stood his ground as I walked up to him and when I got to him we stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. Then he reached out his arms and he pulled me to him, me burying my face in his chest and nodding in understanding—he really didn't need to tell me anything else. I understood how he felt about it, and I understood that he loved me and that he had loved our baby and it just hurt him less not to confront it and I could deal with that…I was annoyed with myself for not being as understanding as he was.

"I could have come with you," I whispered to him softly.

He shook his head and kissed the top of mine. "No, Lanni, not this time. This was something I had to face on my own. Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged as I held onto him and he ran his fingers along my back, holding me to him and not letting me go. He rested his lips against my hair and took even breaths, kissing my head again and waiting for my answer. I opened my mouth to speak because he honestly deserved to know, and if he never forgave me for keeping it from him, then I could completely understand that—this was something we both should have been able to cope with together earlier.

"I was getting used to the idea of it all myself," I admitted to him slowly. "Plus…I didn't know how to bring it up in conversation. 'Oh yeah, I had our child buried in Kansas next to my adopted parents' graves'."

"I saw that," he nodded. "I'm glad he's near the two of them…and I wouldn't normally think like that because I'm a realist."

I nodded and pulled back, smiling up at him. "But doesn't it almost make things easier? To think that Grandma and Grandpa are taking care of him?"

Dean turned to face me and nodded, stroking my hair. "It does at that."

I smiled because I knew that he truly meant that, and I leaned up as he leaned down, kissing him gently. Then he pulled away and we grasped hands, and after one more glance at the grave marker, we headed out of the cemetery and headed back to Jen's and Kevin's house. For now this was the kind of closure we needed, and it was the only closure on it that we were really going to get…and I felt satisfied.

xx

"What are you doing?" I asked Dean, propped up on my hand under the covers, looking at him and raising my eyebrows.

He shrugged at me, focused. "I'm reading."

"I saw the book. So…what are you doing?" I asked him again. "Are there any pretty pictures in there?"

"I should get you for that," Dean told me as I grinned.

I rolled my eyes because he knew that he thoroughly enjoyed my little joke about his reading—or lack thereof—and I had to smile at him. He was trying to lose himself in something and he didn't have a hunt to do that with, so he had randomly woken up and gotten himself one of my books out of my duffle. Now he was just lounging there and part of me was surprised there had been no solicit for an early morning romp…I actually would have liked that.

"You've been…different for the last two days." I said, trying not to bring up him talking to the gravestone much.

"I thought I would catch up on my reading," Dean shrugged.

I looked at the cover and laughed when I saw it was one of my 3 Harlequin books. "Dean…you do realize what kind of book that is, right?"

"It's about a guy trying to save this chick with red heels." Dean told me because he wanted to prove he wasn't retarded but it was obvious he'd just read the title and the back of the book.

"Dean," I said, pausing for dramatic effect, "that's a romance novel."

"It is not," Dean said, giving me a look.

I laughed and nodded. "I happen to have read 'High-Heeled Alibi'…flip to page 188."

Dean sighed and did as he was told like he was going to prove me wrong, but as he read the more explicit scene, his eyes widened. Honestly the only three Harlequin books I had I had picked up at one of those library sales and I hadn't realized what they were. Then I read 'Engaging Bodyguard' and realized that they were a series of romance novels, and the other two just didn't stand up to the first one I had read and I hadn't bought another one since then and probably would keep it that way. I just wasn't one to buy romance novels…but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy the ones that I now happened to have.

"Oh…you like this kind of stuff?" He asked and wiggled his eyebrows which made me laugh and snuggle back into the pillow on my side of the bed.

"The only one I truly adore is 'Engaging Bodyguard'." I admitted with a blush. "So perfect…he's a spy, she's the love he never allowed himself to have, they have to work together, she has to find herself…the characters kind of remind me of us actually. They meet, they're attracted, he seduces her and she wants it, and then she falls hard and he pushes her away, and it's a little more complicated then that, but the point is…I think they're perfect…and though she wants to be the seducer the next time around as he's falling in love and she almost gets herself killed saving him, you're the seducer in our relationship."

Dean laughed loudly. "Except lately—remember that car thing before Sam was infected? That whole thing with the demon virus?"

"Yeah…I remember," I told him with a nod.

"So…" he began, holding up the book, "…wanna try this?"

I realized he was serious and I leaned in a little. "I would much rather seduce you…"

Dean set the book down and got further under the covers with me his face close to mine and nuzzled my nose with his softly. He was breathing on me, glancing at my lips and yet not letting himself to actually touch my lips with his. Then he locked gazes with me and I swallowed as he brushed his lips against mine as he spoke up this time.

"By all means," he whispered.

I suddenly remembered where we were when I glanced at the door. "Now? In Jen's guest room?"

"Why not?" Dean shrugged, eyeing my mouth again.

I got out of the bed in one swift movement and went to the door, opening it and then going out to the railing and looking down at Jen and Kevin standing there talking. They seemed like it was any other normal morning and they were discussing something definitely mundane, but it had to be done. So I opened up my mouth and made my decision right then and there because we were here and it was what I wanted.

"Dean and I are going to have sex, so sorry if you can hear us." I told them.

Jen and Kevin both looked up flabbergasted and then Jen burst out laughing as Kevin's eyes widened in protest. Kevin looked at his wife and then back up at me and decided then and there that Jen and I were both just incredibly crazy and I smiled a little and nodded at Jen. She was definitely on board with it, and I decided that I was just going to have to support my statement for Kevin and his sanity.

"Don't worry we'll do laundry right after," I assured them.

"Can you wait for like five minutes?" Jen asked me, wiping away a couple tears.

I shrugged playfully. "I don't know…I'm yearning for him."

Kevin sighed loudly when Jen laughed again. "Just be quiet about it…there's a plumber coming for the sink in ten."

I nodded and gave him a thumbs up. "Absolutely…"

With that I turned around and went back into the room, closing the door behind me with a smile. It was wiped off of my face though when I saw Dean standing a few feet away from me putting a button-up shirt on over his t-shirt, his jeans already on. Hadn't he just been the one that was wanting to try out some new things? Why in the world was he getting dressed?

"What are you doing?" I asked him suddenly.

He scoffed like I should know. "I'm getting dressed."

"Why?" I asked, taking a step towards him.

"You rejected me," he said matter-a-factly looking up at me. "You up and got up and dashed off."

I shook my head and smiled. "No, I didn't. I just told Kevin and Jen that we were going to have sex—I was warning them. Take that shirt off…come on."

Dean looked confused, but then he smirked at me and buttoned up the last two buttons deliberately and cocked his head to one side. This man was seriously going to be the death of me if he kept this up and he knew it, damn him! He took a step away from me and I put my hands on my hips, looking at him and smiling a little.

"Make me," Dean told me.

I walked over to him and rested my hands on his shirt, looking him in the eye. "You ever wonder how I deal with you?"

Dean smiled and I felt butterflies erupt in my stomach as he looked down at me and got that cheeky look on his face. He knew that he was about to get exactly what he wanted and so did I, and it made him really cocky. I honestly loved it though…why? I have no idea, but it was just one of the things that I knew turned me on about him and I wouldn't have him any other way—cause then he just wouldn't be the man that I loved.

"Nah, I just wonder how you resist me." He chuckled.

I smirked and pulled on his shirt, the buttons popping off of it, and he looked at me with a new look on his face I hadn't seen before. I wasn't sure if he was just totally surprised, or if he was impressed, or upset, or all three. He just kind of gawked down at the button-up and at the couple of buttons that 'pinged' against surfaces and then he looked me in the eye and I just shrugged a little, the smile still on my face.

"That…was my favorite shirt," he said slowly and then he smirked a little and I knew he was perfectly all right with it.

I smiled more and kissed him, stopping his hands as he tried to drop the shirt off of his shoulders. He cocked his head to the side and I shook my head, biting his bottom lip and then pulling back a little, a firm hold on his now button-less button-up. I shrugged slowly and then cocked my head to the side too, watching his eyes on me.

"I'm seducing you, remember?" I reminded him.

"You mean I can't do anything?" He asked me softly.

I shook my head. "Not unless I tell you to."

"Damn," he said, running his knuckles along my chest purposefully, a smile on his face.

"Stop…" I said softly, because he knew my pleasure spots and he knew it.

"Make me…" he whispered into my ear, his hot breath on my neck.

Pleasant shivers ran down my spine, and I kissed his neck, sucking on it softly and then biting down on it gently, which made him moan, so I knew I was doing something right. I started to push his button-up off of his shoulders and he ran his hands along my sides, and I allowed it for a moment. Then I pushed his button-up off onto the floor and went to lift up his t-shirt.

"It's not so bad relinquishing some control is it?" I asked him with a small laugh.

He chuckled. "I certainly don't mind watching you."

"Good," I replied with a shrug and he lifted his arms up so that I could pull his shirt off, smiling at him when I tossed it aside.

My hands went down to his jeans and I sighed a little when he ran his fingers along my scar on my stomach, and bit my lip. He was cheating, and he knew it, but he was choosing to continue the soft caressing and I hadn't stopped him yet…okay then that was my bad…

"You're a cheater," I said with a smile.

"Baby, you know I don't play by the rules…"

He smirked, and then his chest tightened slightly as I kissed it, relaxing when I made a slow trail of kisses down towards his pants, only to stop and go back up. I pushed him back onto the bed and crawled on top of him, allowing him to run his fingers along my bra straps. He opened his mouth to say something, but my mouth covered his, and in the same movement I pinned his hands to the bed and he chuckled a little into the kiss. I smiled at the feeling of his body rumbling against mine and then started to softly bite my way down his torso, getting off the rest of his clothes and then pausing at his navel. I glanced up at him and made eye contact with him, my tongue darted out and his eyes widened…it was like he knew what I was contemplating before I had even done it.

"Lanni…" He began, but I shook my head and placed a soft kiss to his straining member.

"Just enjoy it," I whispered, knowing that eventually our relationship would end up at this point—me having to move past my awkward fears and do what I was sure that he had thought in the back of his mind that he had been missing. "Besides…it's not that bad…"

Dean leaned his head back against the pillows. "Lanni…"

"You're going to ruin it if you keep talking," I replied with a small shrug, keeping his hands pinned to the bed.

As nervous as I had been about it, it honestly wasn't that bad, no matter the thoughts running through my mind as everything started to escalate. There were sounds coming from Dean I had never heard him make before at that intensity as my mouth traced parts of him I'd never let my mouth touch before, and eventually he started trying to stop me. He didn't want to reach his release before I reached mine, but this time it was my game, and he was going have to deal with it, and when he was lying there, riding out the waves of his climax, I let his hands go and he immediately pulled me to him.

I smiled into the kiss, opening up my mouth and letting him taste himself on my tongue totally and utterly giving all control to him and letting him flip us over. He smiled at me and kissed my lips tenderly before his mouth trailed downwards and he tried to reciprocate what I had done and I was kind of surprised I hadn't let him talk me into this sooner. I had to silence every voice that told me that it only felt this amazing because Dean had done this before…a lot…and once I was feeling a little bit more in the moment and not trapped in my head, the experience was far more pleasurable.

"Baby, you're so beautiful." Dean whispered, kissing up my body to my lips as I trembled beneath him, both of us ready for just one more climax…just one more.

I slipped my fingers into his hair and smiled a little. "You are too."

"God, I love you." Dean breathed, and I simply kissed him back as he pushed his flesh into mine, me biting his lip as it happened, which chain reacted a moan from him.

At first I was caught off guard because he never said those words, let alone first. I knew that he meant it and I knew that he did, but hearing him say it was just so perfect that I was suddenly so much more in the mood than I had been before. I wondered if everyone could hear us, actually…Dean and I certainly weren't censoring ourselves this morning because we had reach a new place in our relationship and I was cherishing it. I was cherishing him…and I always would.

We were used to this dance, and we moved against each other at the same pace, both of us only thinking about each other, and about how to make the other person feel good. It was all that mattered right there, and it was all that I could possibly have wanted, and when we both climaxed at the same time, it was like nothing else in the world mattered. We were just us, and this was just one more thing that we did together, and we did perfectly…and I couldn't ask for anything more than that, and I wouldn't want to.

"Wow," I breathed out, looking up at the ceiling as Dean rolled off of me onto his back and then I closed my eyes and just smiled.

Dean chuckled. "Did you learn that from your trashy romance novel?"

"If I say I did?" I asked him with a laugh.

"Then I say read more trashy romance novels," he replied and we both laughed together.

I turned and shook my head, snuggling up against his warm, wet, body and holding him as he held me. He was stroking my hair and kissing my wet temple, both of us trying to catch our breaths…trying to figure out what to say next. It was new for us, and yet it felt like this was just one of those other things for us…it was just one of the other things that kept us bonded together.

"For the record, I didn't learn that from any of the novels…I just know your pleasure points and your turn-ons." I whispered to him. "You've been teaching me a lot, Dean—I'm like your own personal pleasure machine or something, seeing as how in sex, I'm 'trained' to know what you want. Besides, I figured it was time for something new."

He nodded slowly. "It was a rather pleasurable new experience…are you all right?"

"I'm perfect…it wasn't as scary or awkward as I thought it was going to be." I replied and closed my eyes. "God, I'm exhausted."

"That was quite a run before eating anything today." Dean admitted, nodding slowly and keeping his fingers gliding through my hair.

I smiled and then tilted my head up smiling when he glanced down at me and our eyes met and I kissed him. It was soft and caring, and I knew that it was simply a marker for us—it was just to show that this is where we belonged and nothing was going to change it…ever. Well, at least that was how Dean was feeling…I mostly felt that, but knew that eventually when I came clean about my father, Dean was going to be distant…but I wasn't going to let that ruin this moment…this moment was perfect.

"I love you," Dean told me softly, kissing me tenderly some more. "I know I never say it, but I do. You're not some pleasure machine, you're my home."

"I know, Baby," I smiled and nodded, kissing him back. "I love you too. I love who you are, I love how you deal with things…I love everything about you."

Dean opened his mouth to say something else, when there was a knock on the door and I groaned a little bit. I was tried, Dean was a little tired, and I was pretty sure that this was just a little heads up from Jen that she needed us to do something. That meant using energy we'd just used on each other that we didn't necessarily have anymore.

"You guys done with the sex yet?" Jen asked us through the door.

I laughed a little. "Yeah Jen, but if you come in, we'll still be under the covers."

"Whatever, just cover up the important parts…I'm giving you sixty seconds." She said impatiently, so I knew it was important.

I looked at Dean. "You wanna to put your pants on?"

Dean sighed and nodded, hurrying up out of bed and putting his pants on, me grabbing his discarded button-up shirt and covering myself with it. Then we both sat on the end of the bed, clad with the important parts covered as Jen walked in and smiled at us. She crossed her arms over her chest and then looked at me, not really giving Dean a second glance since he was topless and though attractive, she knew I'd give her Hell about it later if her eyes lingered on him.

"Sam says he found us a case." Jen explained to me.

I nodded at her slowly. "We'll be down in a good…give us an hour so we can shower."

"Absolutely!" Jen smiled and headed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

xx

I leaned on the doorframe as Dean unzipped his jeans and he looked at me, smiling a little and then just standing there. He wanted to know what it was that I was planning on doing, and I wasn't quite sure yet…I was still thinking about it.

"Joining me or watching me?" He asked me, hands now up in the air a little.

I shrugged and smiled. "A little of both."

"No shower sex scenes in those novels of yours?" He joked as he winked.

I laughed again. "Normally it's on floors, and it usually starts on kitchen cabinets."

"Wow…they sure know how to do it then," he joked, and he took my hands, resting them on his stomach. "Joining me or watching me?"

I smiled and kissed him. "Joining…"

"Good," he said, and rested my hands on the sides of the top of his jeans. "Seduce away."

I laughed loudly and he smiled at me, running his fingers along my hands as I took a step closer to him and kept my hands splayed there against his stomach. Feeling his muscles under my hands was honestly one of my favorite things about being this close to Dean, and he knew how much I loved to feel him up. So all in all, both of us were winning and after such a rewarding morning, this was still just as much fun.

I kissed his chest, our eyes still locked. "You like this too much."

I pressed my lips to his as his smirk grew and then I ran my fingers down his stomach to his belt loops, biting his chest a little. After a moment or two I pulled back and let go of his belt loops, pulling his borrowed shirt off of myself and looking up at him, closing my eyes and smiling when he slipped his fingers into my hair. I opened my mouth to say something but just let his fingertips run along my scalp before my eyes fluttered open and I found my voice.

"I think I'm done with this whole feminine power thing." I told him as I ran my fingers along his necklace.

"Are you?" He asked slyly.

I moved my hands back down to his pants and then slid them off and got into the shower as he closed his eyes. I shut the curtains and turned on the water smiling to myself, and adjusting the temperature, running my fingers through my hair. Then I heard a grunt and a sigh and I couldn't help but laugh just a little.

"Lanni…" Dean said, and I laughed a little more.

"Sorry, Deano, but I need a shower. Sam found a case and we need to do it." I told him with a shrug. "It'll give you something to do."

"'Deano'? What's with 'Deano', 'Lano'?" He asked climbing into the shower with me as the warm water ran down my body. "And for the record I had someone to do, and that was going really well."

I made a face. "'Lano'?"

"Now take that disgust," He said, tilting the show head so that the water was hitting him, "and you know what I think about 'Deano'."

I nodded and stepped closer to him, both of us smiling and taking our shower, and then getting out and getting dressed. As usual, Dean wore a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and I wore jeans and a nice cute, feminine top, and then I pulled my hair back. We went downstairs and went over to the table, the others looking up at us. Sam handed Dean and I the papers he had been looking at, and I smirked a bit as Dean rested his hand on my hip farthest from him, pulling me to him.

Sam took a breath. "I think we're back to vampires."

"Seriously?" Dean asked as I flipped through the papers.

I sighed loudly and then my eyes found information and I gasped. "Oh my God, Jenny…Chelsea."

"What?" Jen asked, taking the papers from me quickly. "Damn—this really is her M.O., isn't it?"

"Guys…Jen and I have to finish this thing with Chelsea." I said, her and I making eye contact and nodding at each other.

"You do not!" Kevin cried, shaking his head. "You are pregnant!"

The pain in his voice even hurt me, so I couldn't imagine what it was doing to Jen right then. Kevin didn't want his wife and mother of his children to go and put herself in danger and I understood that…but at the same time Jen and I could take care of ourselves. Jen and I had to do this…this was our fight, and the boys were just going to have to understand that.

"But Kevin…we do." Jen told him. "This—everything she does is our fault."

"She goes around killing people—that isn't your fault." Dean protested.

Should we tell them, Lan? Jen asked in my mind.

Sam nodded in agreement with Dean. "You don't control her or any of the things that she does, so you shouldn't take responsibility for them."

I think it's time. I replied in hers.

Kevin sighed loudly. "You shouldn't take responsibility for what she is and what she does—Sam is right."

Then let's do it. Jen told me.

"But we are the reason she's a vampire," I said softly, biting my lip. And it's out.

"What?" The boys all asked at once.

Jen and I looked at each other and we knew that it was finally time to explain about what was going on with us. We had never really come out and told anyone the whole story about the night that Chelsea was murdered…the night she was turned. I felt far more responsible for Chelsea turning than Jen did, but that was how I should have felt and I knew it.

Jen and I had been training Chelsea for a good few months because she knew what we did and she wanted to be part of it and we couldn't stop her. So, it was better that she was prepared and out with us, then just running off without us and getting herself killed. She wasn't magical like us, but she was proving to be particularly good at fighting, so we had been taking her on hunts and protecting her as best as we could—we after all didn't want her dead.

"Chelsea, Jen is going to do a spell to secure the perimeter, I'm going to save the boy, and you're going to sneak in and grab the rune." I explained to her slowly.

"Shouldn't you grab the rune, Lan?" Chelsea asked me. "You're the other one with powers in a place filled with vampires."

I knew that she had a point so I nodded and turned to Jen. "Jen, do you think there will be more people guarding the boy or the rune?"

Jen pondered that. "As important as they both are, probably the rune."

"Then I'll get the rune." I said at once with a nod.

When all was agreed, the three of us set out towards the abandoned mill and looked up at it. It was large, and the rune was inside and we desperately needed it—it would unlock a mystery that we had been spending our whole lives trying to figure out. The boy would be in the barn near us, and guarded by a good three or four vampires and we needed to get this done without any casualties.

"You sure you want to do this, Lan?" Jen asked me. "Letting Chels go in and all?"

I nodded at her. "She has it under control."

We both knew, however, that she didn't have it under control, and we exchanged worried glances. The thing about Chelsea was that sometimes she ran in without a care in the world and sooner or later that was going to get her taken out. Jen and I were always worried about protecting her and sometimes that got in the way of what we were doing, but she was stubborn…she was doing this with or without us…without us was not an option.

"I can handle it, guys, stop acting like my mother." Chelsea said and we knew she was beyond annoyed with us.

"I can't help it, Chels," Jen told her—she had always been the more protective one even though I was the smothering motherly one.

I looked at her and shrugged. "We don't want your safety jeopardized. Do you have the holy water and the stakes…well…something to decapitate them with?"

"Lan…how many times do I have to prove myself?" Chelsea asked, more than a little aggravated.

"Look, as much as I want to make sure no one is missing anything, we have limited time to actually get in and then get back out safely." Jen reminded us.

Chelsea and I nodded at her, and then headed off to our locations while Jen hid herself outside. I went into the mill and at first seeing no vampires was a plus, but when I found the fake rune, I knew it was all a trap. I should have let Chelsea come in here like the original plan had been. Instead, it was Chelsea who was now in danger and Jen or I had to get to her…and get to her now.

Chelsea, get out now! I said in her head.

Lan, something's wrong. Jen said in mine. The spell isn't working.

Jen and I hurried to the barn, and when we got there, no more than eight vampires cornered Chelsea. Jen began to use her fireballs, but I hadn't mastered that again yet, and so I brought up force fields and used my stake, and we took them out. The problem was the boy was nowhere to be found and the rune was gone, but at least we'd taken out eight vamps…that was at least a plus.

"You good?" I asked Chelsea, looking her over.

She nodded and shook me off her arm softly. "Yeah, hey…they knew we were coming. I don't know how, but they did. They left this note, and I'm going to go…alone."

"Chels, that's not a good idea. It's just another trap." Jen warned her.

"I agree with Jen—we have to do this together." I said and repressed the urge to tell her that she was being completely stupid about all of this.

"But don't you see? If I'm bait as the fourth, then we're on our way to figuring out what they're going to do." Chelsea explained, pleading with us even though we both knew she didn't truly need our permission because we would never use our powers on her. "They won't go after you two—you guys have powers."

Jen and I exchanged looks and then I turned to her first even though Jen's eyes pleaded with me. There was no way that she was going to let Chelsea go, but I knew Chelsea had a point and we were running out of options. She was going to have to be bait and that was just the way that it was going to have to be.

"All right," I told Chelsea with a nod.

So that night, Jen and I kept a watch on Chelsea…until she evaded us. One of Jen's special tactics is getting away from people without a trace—a tactic she taught Chelsea. So now she was not only bait, but she was most certainly out on her own where Jen and I could no longer protect her, which meant that she could die tonight…we were so screwed.

"Thanks for teaching her that," I told Jen bitterly.

Jen shot me a look. "Thanks for letting her use herself as bait."

"It's all right…we'll find her." I told her, though I wasn't so sure—the girl hadn't left us anything to go off of except our feelings.

When we found Chelsea, we hurried down the dark alley and we gasped, her body collapsed there. I touched her cold body first, and Jen threw up in a part of the alley about half a foot from us, but not sobbing…she wasn't a crier. The sound of her retching made me want to retch, but the worst part was that Chelsea's eyes fluttered open—she was one of them.

"Fuck," I said aloud as Jen began to cry—our best friend had after all died.

"Lan…" Jen was saying, backing away.

I reached out to Jen and starting moving my hand wildly. "Where's the stake, Jen?"

"Why would you need a stake?" Chelsea asked, her hand gripping my throat and then she lifted me up into the air. "Am I worth taking seriously now?"

"Jen…" I choked out, throwing holy water at Chelsea's chest.

Chelsea let go of me, but Jen stayed there, frozen in place as Chelsea screamed a little bit. She was definitely a vampire now, and all I could think about was that as much as it was my fault, Chelsea had to go…we had to stake her. If only I could get through to Jen—she was just frozen in place because this was our best friend…and we had gotten her turned into a monster…

"JEN!" I cried finally.

I grabbed the stake from her, but when I turned around, Chelsea was gone, and I whirled on Jen. I didn't want to get angry with her but at the same time, I really wanted to have had this dealt with. Now Chelsea was gone, undead, and we were going to have to somehow tell that to her parents…somehow bury her body…a body we would never have.

"Jen, you let her get away!" I yelled at her.

"She's—she's Chels, Lan." Jen protested strongly.

"She's not Chels anymore." I told her, closing my eyes. "Not at all…"

The boys looked at us as Jen and I looked at the table because it was everything we had needed to get off of our chests…well mostly. The two of us had been responsible for Chelsea and I had sent her out to her doom…and then Jen's love for Chelsea had made the staking process never happen. Then we both looked up and Jen was the first one to speak and I knew I had to let her.

"I—I hope now you understand now why we take this so seriously…well…personally." Jen said as Kevin gripped her hand. "Lan sent her into danger before she was ready, but when it came down to it, I couldn't stake her—couldn't let anyone stake her. Everyone she hurts or kills is on us."

Dean sat down and I leaned on the chair, wishing he was still holding me, but he wasn't. This was a lot for him to take in, and at the same time I knew it wasn't Chelsea becoming a vampire that was getting to him…it was Jen and I wanting to do this alone. Also…there were behaviors in the past that Sam was voicing out in questions while Dean took my lack of communication much more personal.

"But if you knew, why were you so surprised that she called?" Sam asked me.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah…that would bring us to actually a couple of things. 1) I didn't think Chelsea would honestly try to talk to us again, especially me since I would have killed her. 2) That would bring us to our parents…like your Dad."

"Dad?" Dean asked, looking up at me finally.

Jen nodded at him. "Yeah…we're not as uninformed as you think."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "What does our Dad have to do with anything?"

"John knew about the rune…so did Jen's father and my mother…it's…I guess you could call it a family heirloom." I explained to them.

"He what?" Sam asked skeptically.

I nodded at them. "I had heard of your father before—he was mentioned once in my mother's diary. I didn't realize it was your father because she only ever mentioned him by his first name, but then Bethany and Marcus showed me his face, I met him, and he explained that he knew my mother…and I put it all together. When you guys met us at Chelsea's wake, that was…well…we knew the vampires were in on it all. We had been on the case for a while actually trying to get the rune back and then we killed the vampires and hit a dead end."

"And this—the only reason Chelsea is still alive is because she has the rune." Jen explained to them. "The rune is the answer to everything."

"What do you mean everything? Does it have to do with the demon?" Dean asked us hopefully.

I shrugged slowly. "I have no idea if it has to do with the demon. I just know that it has to do with Jen and me unlocking our powers. It's the key to our powers, and that's why Chelsea can't die—she's using it for power instead of answers…the key to killing her could potentially be there too…"

"Why didn't you tell us all of this?" Kevin asked, and Dean and Sam nodded.

"Well…it was hard." I told him slowly. "It all hurt."

"We—I don't think you understand how hard it is for us to cope with the fact that we did this to our best friend. This is our battle—we didn't want you all to know, but…well…Lan and I decided a little bit ago to come clean." Jen explained to me.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "It would be wrong not to tell you when obviously the killings are starting up again and Jen and I need the rune now more than ever and it's finally close again—we finally have leads."

Kevin nodded slowly. "Well, I don't want you to go, but if this is a personal battle…then I'll allow it. You guys can take care of yourselves, and I know you'll go to all extremes to stay safe—that you'll go to extremes to keep my wife alive, Lana."

Jen kissed him. "Even if I kick her for it, Lana would die for me. You know that by now, don't you, Kevin? Besides…I'd die for her too and we're not as stupid as we were before. We can handle this."

"Of course," Kevin assured her. "Can the boys at least be back up? I don't want my wife to miscarry."

"We're coming," Dean said, standing up and nodding.

I looked over at him and Jen bit her tongue—he was mine, and so convincing him and Sam that this was our fight was my job. It was for me to do and I was glad to do it even though I knew that Dean was going to be much more stubborn about this than Kevin. Kevin was still feeling shaky about it, but he knew how his wife worked, and he knew I'd sacrifice myself to let Jen live…so he had caved. That and if it came down to it, Jen and I would use our protective spells instead of going for the rune…self preservation it was.

I set my hand on Dean's. "No, Dean, this is our fight."

"Lan…" Sam protested with a nod. "It's better if we come."

I shook my head. "It really isn't. We know Chelsea better than you do."

"Really boys, let us do this on our own—don't make me make Lan and I untraceable, because I will if it becomes necessary." Jen warned them when she realized that Dean's eyes were warning us that he was not backing down.

Dean looked me in the eye. "Can I talk to you alone for a moment?"

"It's all right, Lan, I need to go change and grab the stake guns." Jen said, and she left the room as Kevin and Sam went into the kitchen to talk.

I looked at Dean, and for the first time since I had met him, I could see and feel the fear coming off of him. He was worried about me, and he was worried that I didn't have this under control, and I appreciated his care and concern, but I really couldn't take him or Sam with us. There were things I had to deal with on my own and when I reached up to stroke his cheek, he nodded slowly and tried to swallow down his pain.

"I swear, you get yourself killed and I'm gonna—" He began, but I pressed my lips to his.

"You worry too much," I told him pulling him close to me. "Jen and I are going to be fine…I promise you that."

xx

Jen and I had found some evidence on where Chelsea was hiding and we were pretty sure it was only this easy because she was expecting us. It was off in farm territory, but we walked for the purpose of being inconspicuous and because even if it was a trap, having a car was not going to help us. Chelsea had picked an old abandoned farmhouse, and we knew from a glow upstairs that the rune was on her—that she was luring us here intentionally and we needed to know why…

"That was a little presumptuous," Jen told me, "bringing it like she would win the fight."

"Chelsea always thought that she had everything in the palm of her hands." I reminded her with a small laugh.

Jen nodded slowly. "Well…let's go."

"We'll be fine." I told her because she looked worried.

"If you say so," Jen said smiling a little and I matched it.

We both took a deep breath and then we headed towards the abandoned farmhouse and we paused at the door, but opened it up, sneaking inside. When we got into the house, we got in fine without any hassle, but then a vampire spotted us and Jen and I booked it into another room. The best thing to do at this point was to hide—it was all that we could do and we knew it.

"Remember when I said we were going to be fine? I was wrong." I told Jen as we hid under a table while the twenty or so vampires tried to find us.

Jen smiled a little. "Yeah, but it's a good thing I used that spell when you sensed the boys following us—it worked on the vampires too."

"All right," I told her with a sigh, "I think the best thing would be a good dose of fireballs…the problem is we don't want to burn the place down before we get our hands on the rune."

"Then we need a diversion," Jen said with an affirmative nod.

I sighed and nodded in agreement. "Yeah…so I'll be bait."

"Lan…I think I should be bait." Jen told me slowly. "My powers are stronger than yours because I stay practiced, and you know for a fact that Chelsea is where the rune is, so you're more likely to get hurt—I can take the vampires, Lan, and you know it. I'm practically as good at taking out vampires as I am with researching."

I took a deep breath. "I know you are but at the same time I don't want you to wind up hurt in any way—I don't want you to miscarry. I want you to put up a force field and stay behind it. Once they know I'm at the rune, they'll forget about you and come for me…let's hope that's how it will go."

"Exactly," Jen nodded at me. "So go."

"All right," I agreed, and then Jen went charging out from under the table even though I had told her not to, but I had to get to Chelsea. "You get yourself killed and I'm resurrecting you and killing you myself, Jennifer!"

When I got to the upstairs room, my eyes rested on an old, glowing tablet and I knew that this is where I needed to be. I smiled but when I reached out to touch it, Chelsea's hand shot out and she threw me across the room. I should have been expecting it since I was expecting her to be in the room, but I so close to the rune and I needed it—it held the key to everything.

I hit the wall hard and coughed. "Nice to see you again too, Chels."

"Come for your precious rune?" She asked me with a grin on her face.

I smiled and stood up. "Yeah, and with new powers."

"Yeah, I know you embraced your inner witch," Chelsea replied with a laugh, "but you can't stand up to the power I have now, Lan. You'll have to get over that, all right?"

I flicked my wrist and Chelsea flew up against the opposite wall, surprised, but not surprised enough. I tried to get the rune to fly towards me, but it was pretty damned impervious to magic and that thought made me feel pretty doomed. Knowing this now, I went for the rune, but felt a fist fly up into my jaw, the other vampires coming into the room, Jen following them and taking them out with grace.

"You think you can defeat all of us?" Chelsea asked, grabbing the rune and jumping out of the window.

I shot a fireball at a nearby vampire. "Jen…plan 'B'."

Jen nodded, and we shot fireballs at the vampires, hurrying out of the house and then turning around and looking at the house as it went up in flames. Then we hurried away from it in the way we thought Chelsea had gone, and the house exploded, the shock sending us both face first into the dirt. Then we both felt it—Chelsea's presence in the opposite direction.

Jen and I turned over and looked in the direction of Chelsea, and we all stared at each other across the flames since the house was no more than burning rubble now. She gave us a knowing smile, and held up the rune, and then with the blink of an eye, she was gone again. That was it…one wrong move and everything was gone again just like that…she was proving to us that she had gotten stronger and we could no longer deny that she was now a formidable foe.

"What did we learn from this?" I asked Jen slowly.

Jen lay down in the grass and I followed suit. She looked up at the sky and I ran my fingers through my hair, tasting the blood in my mouth and wishing we had come out better than we have. We were back at the beginning…except that we knew that now Chelsea was more powerful…and she was having fun testing us and teasing us. I needed to embrace the demon part of me and Jen and I needed to admit that we needed help on this stupid hunt.

"We learned that Chelsea thinks she has the upper hand," Jen explained to me.

I turned to her, completely surprised. "You called her 'Chelsea' instead of 'Chels'."

"You have blood on your mouth," she told me, looking at me too, and I knew she was choosing to ignore the fact that her not calling Chelsea by our nickname for her, was showing that things had changed for her too.

xx

I was relaxing on the couch when we got back to the house, and Jen and Kevin had gone out for dinner while Sam went back to looking for Ava, and I tried to figure out how to respond to a text from Kate. Dean had been occupying his time doing lots of little random things, and had even gotten out some Christmas boxes, which was really helpful whether he had realized that or not. The remote was in my hand and I was flipping through various channels while propped up on my elbow.

"Lanni?" Dean asked me.

I looked up and curled up more as he sat on the couch near my feet, looking at me like he had something to say. When we had gotten back, Jen and I had explained to the boys about how everything had gone, and then slipped into silence for a bit. Then Kevin had gotten her to promise she'd go to dinner with him and I had promised to look after the house and to never run off with Jen on a wild goose chase again.

I swallowed. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry Chelsea got away again." He said softly.

I nodded at him. "Me too…"

He glanced at me and then took a breath. "Hey…are you okay? Because you've been strange since you got back."

"Yes, but, I can't believe how strong she's getting." I admitted to him slowly.

I sat up and turned off the television, sitting Indian style and Dean matched my position and reached out to touch my lip, and I cringed slightly. It was still rather painful—it had been cut worse than I had realized at first and though healing, it was still kind of tender. Dean frowned at my flinch and reached out to stroke my hair, looking me over and then resting his eyes back on mine.

"Did Chelsea do this to you?" He asked me.

I shrugged. "She's done it before."

"That's not the point," he told me with a sigh.

I took his hand and kissed it. "I'm fine…really."

He gave me a look. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." I assured him.

When I answered that, he pulled me onto his lap and softly pressed his lips to mine, holding me to him before he laid me down on the couch and then cuddled up with me, his head on my stomach. He ran his fingers along the material of my t-shirt in circular motions, and then I turned the television back on and we watched 'Stranger Than Fiction', and then 'American Dreamz' until Jen and Kevin came back.

"Right where I left you," Jen said laughing.

I shrugged and nodded. "We didn't burn the house down either."

Kevin smiled at that. "Perfect."

"How was dinner?" Dean asked them, making small talk since he actually genuinely like them and cared about whether or not their night was good.

"It was fantastic," Jen told us and then she smiled at him. "You know, while you're looking for Ava, you guys should get out by yourselves sometime."

Dean nodded at them. "Maybe…"

"You know, I'm kind of tired." I told her. "I think I'll head on up to bed. It's been a long day and a long night and I'm exhausted."

"Understandable. Hey…tomorrow do you want to go ahead and go by your house and check on things?" Jen asked me. "I mean we're still doing cookies at your house, right?"

I smiled at her genuinely. "I would like that."

"Okay…goodnight." Jen told me merrily.

"Night, Jenny." I replied, kissing her cheek as she kissed mine.

I went upstairs and got dressed into pajama pants and a tank top, fixing my hair and making sure it was pulled back, and then I looked over at Dean's bag. It was just sitting there untouched, and so I opened it and pulled out the baby name book. He kept it under everything else, but I knew that he had one because I had found it a couple of months ago. He had a page bookmarked with a piece of paper with names on it he liked…and I had picked between his top unisex names and named Casey that way.

I got under the covers and looked at it, flipping through and finding names that I liked even though part of me was wondering why I was putting myself through this. It was only reminding me that this was something I'd never get to do…I couldn't have children…I couldn't give Dean children…he and I were going to be stuck just the way we were forever. I mean there were other ways to have children in my position, but I couldn't see Dean even thinking about that…I mean it wasn't like he wanted to settle down…right? Of course right.

When I heard footsteps coming towards the room, I hid the book under my pillow and snuggled farther under the covers. I certainly didn't want Dean to find me looking through baby books after everything we'd been through the last few days, and I smiled up at him as he came in and then watched him as he got dressed, smiling when he got under the covers with me and held me to him. He kissed my temple and nuzzled my face with his nose, smiling at me and then taking a deep breath, sobering a bit.

"You want a baby, don't you?" Dean asked me softly.

I turned my head and made eye contact with him. "How did you know?"

"There's a lump under your pillow…and I can see the book pages." He added pointing at the book.

I sighed and took the book out and then set it on the bedside table. "I'm always going to want a baby, but I…I want ours back."

"Lanni…" He said, and trailed off, taking a breath and then nodded like he was making a decision, "there are other ways to have a baby."

I blinked at him, sitting up and then turning to look down at him, completely unaware of what my exact feeling was right then. What was he saying? What did he mean? Where was he going with this? Why couldn't I get my words to work? Once he'd mentioned it after the Tiffany incident, but I thought he was just saying it to say it.

"I mean there's adoption…there are surrogates…" he told me slowly.

I smiled at him and kissed him softly. "Don't…I'm surprised and flattered that you've thought about procreating with me…but let's focus on killing the demon before we think about kids."

"I thought you wanted this…a more settled down me." Dean told me, sitting up and shrugging. "I mean I'm tried of this job, Lanni…and if I was going to stop for anyone…it would be you."

I kissed him softly, pouring myself into him because that was by far the cutest thing that he had ever said to me—the sweetest most romantic thing he had ever said to me. I wanted him just the way that he was and if that meant that he and I weren't having kids, then we weren't having kids. He wanted me, I wanted him, and eventually when the demon was defeated we'd come back to this…there was no use dwelling on it anymore…Dean was perfect. He was perfect for me just the way that he was and I was done feeling bad about things…I was done living in the past and being filled with regret…he was my perfect match.

"What are you doing?" Dean chuckled as my hands slipped down his body.

I shrugged a little. "I'm physically proving to you how much I love you, Dean Winchester. Now shut the yap and kiss me."

Dean chuckled again, but kissed me in response.

xx

Christmas Eve was amazingly better than I thought it was going to be. Sam and Dean weren't really into the Christmas spirit, but they weren't ruining it for me. In fact, Sam offered to help Jen and me with cookies while Dean helped Kevin to put the ornaments on the tree…or handed Kevin the ornaments so he could put them on the tree. Jen got kind of annoyed as the night wore on because Sam and I kept eating the cookie dough and she was so OCD about it.

Then the boys and I stayed at my house and I loved that they didn't question me on what I believed—even though there were a few jokes from Dean. He honestly wouldn't have been him had he not made a joke, and I was all right with that…it was my holiday and I was going to enjoy it. The best part about Christmas was waking up Christmas morning and knowing that I was going to get to spend the day with Jen…and of course Kevin, Sam and Dean.

"Merry Christmas," I said as I opened my eyes that morning, glancing over at the clock. "Up, up, up!"

Dean groaned and turned to look at the clock. "Not at 6 o'clock in the morning, Lanni."

"Then you and Sam can hang out all by yourselves." I told him and got out of the bed, hurrying to get dressed. "Because it is Christmas and Jen and I have a whole morning planned before her parents show up to do Christmas with their son-in-law, and in-laws. So…up and at 'em, or make breakfast for yourself."

"Make breakfast for myself?" Dean asked me, turning to look at me. "Seriously?"

I shrugged and changed my bra, my jeans and panties already changed and Dean grunted a little which made me laugh. It was Christmas, and his present had nothing to do with my flesh, so he could grunt all he wanted, but he had two options and only two options. There was only one time on Christmas that I got to spend with friends and 'family' and that was Christmas morning, so when I pulled my shirt on and gave him a look, he sighed and nodded at me, making me beam.

"Fine…fine…I'm getting up and coming with you," Dean told me.

I clapped my hands excitedly and then I hurried downstairs and started to gather up the presents for Jen, Kevin and Jen's parents. Sam came downstairs before Dean did and kissed the top of my head, telling me 'Merry Christmas' and making sure I'd noticed that the cookies were gone, the milk had been drunk, and the stockings had things in them. I took a deep breath and I looked him in the eye, Dean coming down the stairs as I started to speak to Sam.

"You didn't…you guys didn't do any of that…did you?" I asked him.

Sam shook his head as Dean said, "Why would we ruin this for you?"

"And that is what I like to hear. Now grab your coats, put your shoes and socks on and get moving!" I exclaimed, bustling around and making sure everything was together.

"She was born to be a mother," Sam told Dean and I knew he thought it was quiet enough that I couldn't hear him, but I could and I just smiled a little as I got things together.

"Someday I'll make her one then," Dean said and then cleared his throat.

What a confession…

Sam and Dean chuckled at my crazy and then we headed straight for Jen's, her opening up the door in a Christmas outfit, hugging us all, Kevin holding smiling at us. Kevin was also big on Christmas, and he was glad that he was married to someone that was as into it as him if not more so…then there was me, the crazy friend that was almost religious about Christmas time. So we all got our coats off and slipped off our shoes, then helped the boys to get all of the presents assembled since we would get to them after breakfast.

"Okay, it's time for food," I said and Jen smiled. "What should we make, Jenny?"

Kate laughed and I turned to see her. "Waffles."

"Anything! Just feed me!" Dean said and Sam rolled his eyes as I laughed, then stared at Kate and I ran over to hug her.

"You should be with your parents!" I told her, punching her in the arm. "Yeah, but Kat is spending time with her new boyfriend—not that boy she really wants to be with, mind you—and Mom and Dad are fighting, so after Christmas Eve dinner, I flew out on a plane to surprise you guys."

"Best…Christmas…ever." I told her beaming.

"Am I getting fed?" Dean asked again, his stomach growling.

"Well you hear my Caveman…he needs food." I told her.

Jen nodded and smiled at me, both of us heading into the kitchen and making a huge Christmas breakfast while Kate and Sam walked around outside together. Christmas at Jen's was always a pot luck, so she never had to do much cooking, so breakfast was a perfect tradition and everyone seemed so happy about it once they were all fed. Then we worked on the present exchange and Jen nudged me in the ribs with her elbow, making me look over at Kate and Sam all close to each other and all smiley.

"So is this Christmas tolerable?" I asked Sam and Dean.

Sam smiled at me and then looked at Kate. "Most definitely…"

"Good, I'm glad," I told them with a smile, "because you guys have to tough the rest of the day out with me and Kate, just so you know."

"I think we might be able to handle that," Dean told me and laughed when I rolled my eyes at him. "Come here, Lanni."

I looked up at Dean with raised eyebrows when he stood and held his hand out to me, but I took it and followed him out of the room, smiling at him and wondering what was up when he handed me a small wrapped package with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on top and I laughed. It was definitely my favorite chocolate candy beside 100 Grand, and I was kind of surprised that he had gotten me a Christmas present…since he had said he didn't do Christmas.

"But…I thought Christmas wasn't your thing," I told him softly.

He smiled at me and tucked some hair behind my ear. "Yeah, but it's your thing…and besides you got me that new duffle with the new shirt and that damn expensive watch and I can't not give you something after that."

"Wow, I love you." I said, setting the Reese's on the cabinet and then opening up the package, my eyes widening when I opened up the jewelry box. "Dean…how in the world did you even afford this?"

"It's going to take all of the romance out of it, but honestly? I hustled some pool and then bought you the bracelet. Also, I plan on adding a charm to it each Christmas since Christmas is your favorite holiday." He explained and then sighed when I kissed him. "God, you're going to make this mushy."

I giggled. "I can't help it—you went all romantic on me and I'm gonna have to tease."

"So this is what this love stuff gets me?" Dean asked me, smiling because he loved it even though he 'couldn't' show it.

"Baby…you bought me jewelry so I kinda have to start being all clingy and needy, don't I?" I asked him playfully. "I'm not really that girl…"

He smirked at me. "Okay, only in the bedroom…that could work, right?"

"Merry Christmas, Dean," I told him, kissing him softly after rolling my eyes and laughing at his response.

"Merry Christmas, Lanni," He replied, and when he kissed me, I knew that no matter what, this was exactly where I belonged…right in his arms.

Note: Yeah, it was fluffy with a twinge of sadness…it's to offset all the angst next chapter. Now, what the eff is up with the rune? THAT…is a question that will be answered later, I promise. It is a BIG deal, and it has a major role to play. Feedback is always appreciated!