This was the best time for me to leave, before anything else happened. I felt uncomfortably warm and awkward. I began to crawl to the left, hiding behind a bookcase. Unfortunately for me, the front half of the library was just work tables, making it harder to pass by unnoticed.
Not like they were paying attention. Yaya was somehow laughing and making out with Kairi at the same time, and he was looking at her almost worshipfully. Oh, gross. I made a face and scampered towards the nearest table on my hands and knees.
I scurried across the floor, trying my best to not see my friends making out in what they thought was a deserted library. I would hurry, duck behind a table, wait for a second, and then crawl again. I was behind the last table, so close, almost to the check out desk. Taking a deep breath, I threw myself across the floor and hid behind it. The noises behind me indicated that they had not noticed me. Grimacing, I surveyed the door, trying to work out how I would get out.
The door was about a foot and a half away from the edge of the desk, so I could measure pretty well from where I sat that was no way I could move the door without it creaking, and even though I was small, there wasn't enough space for me to crawl through it. I would have to stand and try to squeeze through the narrow opening.
I backed up against the wall and stood up quietly. Standing on tiptoe, I slid along the wall to the door. Barely breathing, I was less than a foot away from the door… so close…
Light suddenly flooded the library, causing Yaya and Kairi to gasp and break apart. It also caused me to scream and duck, knocking over a stack of books on the library check out desk. Worse still, I felt my hair get yanked from above, and I slipped on a book in an effort to regain my bearings. I sat on to the floor, feeling like some my hair had been ripped out, my palms and knees smarting from where I caught myself.
"Rima-tan?" Yaya called out, and I looked up, the blood draining from my face.
"Uhhhh…" I managed, not quite able to look at her.
"Mashiro-san, are you alright?" Kairi looked at me, concern and embarrassment marked on his face.
"Nnnnnnn…"
"Rima-tan, what are you doing here?" Yaya came closer, holding her hand out to me.
I didn't say anything as she pulled me up. My face had gotten its color back threefold, and I now resembled a tomato. I blankly looked down at my boots. If I had felt uncomfortably warm and awkward before, it was nothing compared to this. I couldn't look at them at all for embarrassment. Their gazes scalded my being.
"I… uh, I was here…"
"Oh, Rima-tan!" Yaya cut me off, "Are you ok?"
"Huh?" I lifted my head but shifted my eyes to the side so as to not look at her. I was confused. What did she mean, was I ok? Was I ok with seeing them make out? Was I ok as in, "If you were a sensible person you wouldn't be here, bitch"? Was I ok with them being together…
"You look like you've been crying," she told me in a low voice.
"What?" I dug in my pocket for a mirror, popping it open. With the lights on now, I could clearly see my face. Me eyes were red rimmed and a little puffy. "Oh, no," I groaned, touching them lightly.
"Are you ok? Do you need to go home?" Yaya asked, worried. Kairi shifted, clearly still embarrassed but also concerned. I looked at my shoes and bit my lip, feeling tears threatening to spill over.
"No," I whispered, a lump in my throat making it difficult to say more.
"No you're not ok or no you don't need to go home?"
I shook my head, bangs hiding my face. "Oh, Rima-tan," Yaya said sympathetically, hugging me. The tears spilled over, sliding down my face and into Yaya's shirt. My shoulders shook as I silently sobbed.
We ended up sitting around a table in the library, not talking much. When I finally calmed down, Kairi gave me a cup of water.
"Thanks," I mumbled, "where did you get the cup?"
"The desk," he pointed to the librarian's desk.
"Wow, they were just sitting on the table?" Yaya asked. I wrinkled my forehead. I didn't remember dropping cups when I tripped and knocked over stuff on the desk.
"Nope," Kairi produced a hairpin.
Yaya's eyes gleamed and a look passed between them. I wasn't sure whether to gag or think it was cute. "Uhhh…" I cleared my throat awkwardly. "So…"
"Oh, right," Yaya tore her eyes away from Kairi's adoring ones. "Well, ahem," she folded her hands primly in her lap. "Well, it's been a while now since… well, since Yaya liked Kairi. Yaya just didn't know if Kairi liked her. But before summer, Yaya confessed, and, well… it didn't go all that well."
Kairi flushed and looked at me. "I wasn't all that sure whether we would work.. whether I was good enough for Yaya or not. I wasn't sure whether we could handle a relationship… we are rather young…"
Yaya flung her arms around Kairi. "But Kairi is amazing and so mature and can handle anything!" They gazed lovingly into each other's eyes; I almost gagged. "But, anyway, Yaya and Kairi had a nasty fight about this around the same time as Yaya's movie project."
So that explained the fighting. I nodded, things finally coming together in my mind. "So, when did you two start talking again?"
"Well, Yaya was too angry to talk with Kairi until Nagi told Yaya that Kairi was really sorry and he wanted to make up with Yaya. So after a week of hesitation, we decided to meet up here." There was an awkward pause as both of them regarded me silently. Then Yaya spread her arms up into the air and chirped "And here we are!"
"Huh," was all I could manage as my brain tried to asses this situation. It was so weird! I felt really embarrassed as I thought of the interrupted makeout. I nodded, feeling a more than a little like I was out of place.
Yaya looked at her watch. "Eh, we have to go back now," she pouted, looking over at Kairi and nodding her head. She turned back to me. "Rima, Yaya wants you ask a favor of you. Please don't tell anyone about this. Please," she stressed this word as they got up from the table. Kairi got walked towards the door, but Yaya stayed back and came over to where I still sat, slightly numb.
"Rima-tan, Yaya will tell them you're not feeling well," she murmured to me. "But Yaya has the feeling that someone out there is looking for you. Yaya knows you're angry, but she couldn't bring herself to talk to you all summer. It's not his fault." She turned towards Kairi, but her hand touched my shoulder and I heard her mumble, "And Yaya thinks he's worried sick at the thought of losing you."
I sat in the library in a numb trance after that. I don't know how long I stayed there, I just kind of sat and stared at the table. Not really thinking or anything. Just sitting there. When I finally snapped out of my trance, it was because I realized that I felt both extremely sad and extremely hungry.
I got up from the table, disoriented, and stumbled into the hallway, making my way toward the My Little Pony fair or whatever. In the back of my mind, something pushed me forward: I really wanted to find Fujisaki. I didn't really know for what. Did I want to talk to him? No. Did I want to yell at him? I felt kind of frozen, empty and numb, not angry, but not happy. Outside, it was darkening and there was a light breeze that swished the loose hairs that had escaped my braid.
I wandered into the courtyard, feeling like I was walking through a dream. Where was Fujisaki?
The stage had been removed, and now a dance floor had been set up with music (probably taken from some My Little Pony soundtrack), and lots of people crowded the floor. Along the sides, tables with food had been set up, and people could take pictures with life size figurines of the My Little Pony characters. I sidled up behind an empty, hiding along with other wallflowers.
"Rima!" Amu was suddenly at my side, clutching my arm. "Where were you? We checked everywhere for you! Here, I have your bag, someone kept calling you, I didn't pick up but I think…" She trailed off as she noticed the wallflowers staring at her. Quickly, she straightened up and put on her "cool and spicy" façade. "I mean, answering other people's phones is, like, so rude," she rolled her eyes for emphasis. "Anyway," she continued while everyone went back to doing their own thing, "where were you?"
I took my bag and avoided her eye. "I was… uhm…"
"Nagi looked really pissed," she muttered to me. I looked at her, a frantic feeling building up in my chest. "Where is he?"
"Rima, where were you?" Her gold eyes looked hurt, reminding me of a puppy who had been slapped, and I couldn't bear hurt her further.
"We had a fight," I admitted. Amu's eyes widened and she took in a sharp breath.
"Like, your usual fights?"
"No."
"Oh, Rima."
"I know, I know! I don't know why, but I need to find him. Please, just tell me where he is!"
Amu didn't look at me as she pointed to the dance floor. Peeking from behind the booth, I had a clear view of him. Ayumi was dancing with Nagihiko. Ayami and Nagihiko. My world-and my heart- shattered. Some inexplicable feeling welled up inside me, and I felt horribly betrayed and disappointed. I turned to look back at Amu, speechless.
"They, uh, well, he asked her," she said, her eyes looking desperate. "It's not like it's anything… I mean, wait, Rima!" I began walking away, but turned back, looking at Amu. "Rima, it's not like he likes her or anything, he's always liked- oomph!"
Flung my arms around Amu so fast and hugged her so tightly I knocked the wind out of her. Her arms tentatively reached out and hugged me back, and her right hand patted my head.
I turned away after a few seconds and walked slowly out of the Seiyo high courtyard, not bothering to look back. And as I walked the streets towards home, I realized why I had wanted to find Fujisaki. I wanted him to hug me.
When I reached my home, I knew immediately all was not well. A strange car was parked in the driveway, and as I reached the door, I heard some loud, angry voices. With trembling fingers, I let myself in.
"She never told me anything!" Mama was yelling, her arms crossed. Papa glared back at her, anger clear in his eyes.
"Well, maybe you aren't as important to her!" He yelled back, waving his hands.
"How dare you!" Mama gasped, "You have no idea how important I am to her! Maybe she hasn't mentioned it because she doesn't want to go!"
"Maybe she didn't mention it because she knew you'd try to stop her!"
"I'm trying to protect you! You've never loved Rima the way I do! You never took care of her like I do!"
That did it. They snarled at each other like rabid animals. I stood in the doorway, frozen, my emotions exhausted and numb. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't too late to go back to school-
No. I didn't want to go back. Suddenly I couldn't bear staying here any longer. I knew it in my heart that I had to go. But Mama…
"Rima!" They finally saw me. Mama rushed to my side. "Rima, is this true? Did you really agree to stay with your father for a month in Hokkaido?"
I'd rarely ever seen Mama look this way. Her eyes were wild and frantic, her face was red with anger, and she looked like someone had stabbed her in the back. I bit my lip as I realized that someone had. I had.
"What happened to the no secrets, Rima? You promised!" Mama's eyes glistened with unshead tears, and a lump suddenly lodged in my throat. "Rima, you promised Mama. How could you break that promise?"
I didn't have an answer for her. What could I say? That our promise was false from the start? I just shook my head slightly. Mama straightened up and turned away from me.
"Well," she said, her voice cool but trembling, "I suggest you get going. I'll send all the paperwork to Seiyo tomorrow."
While Papa went upstairs to get a suitcase, I found my voice. "Mama…"
"You'd better hurry up, Rima, it's getting late." She spoke almost as if I wasn't there. "You have a train to catch. Better get going."
"Mama…"
"JUST GO!" she snapped, so forcefully that I staggered back. I turned and ran up the stairs, as fast as possible.
Half an hour later I came down the stairs, Papa carrying my suitcase. "Mama?" I called out, but I got no reply. Checking outside, I noticed that her car was gone. I felt a chill run through me.
"Come on, Rima," Papa chirped. "We have to catch the next train."
The train ride was long and cold. I had a window seat, and as I leaned against it dozing off, I remembered that.
It must have been about six months after we graduated from elementary school, and Fujisaki had gone to England again. Papa had just moved out, and I was struggling a bit with the pressure of keeping Mama's spirit's up. The news of Papa and Yasuko's engagement came in the mail that day, and Mama had been so crushed. I couldn't sleep that night thinking about everything that was going on, and it was around four in the morning when I got my crazy idea.
I picked up my phone and called Fujisaki Nagihiko.
I know, I know. I am thoroughly ashamed. But before he left, we had been getting along and I had even felt… something. I don't know. He gave me his number before he left. I had never called him, but I kept it under my pillow. Yes, I know that's creepy. Sue me.
Anyway, it was four in the morning, and yes, I knew what time it was in London (Ihadmemorizedthetimedifferen cewhatwasswrongwithme). So, with trembling fingers, I picked up my phone and called him.
He. Picked. Up. I seriously thought I would die waiting for hi to answer, but no, there was his smooth, pleasant voice on the other line.
"Hello?"
I stayed silent for a moment, just marveling at the sound of his voice before realizing what I was doing.
"Uh, I… Hello, Nagihiko."
And just like that, our conversation flowed.
He sounded really happy to hear me, and I was ecstatic to hear him. We talked about school and the Guardians and his dancing and stuff, and then he asked me a question.
"Where would you rather be right now: London, or Japan?"
It was an innocent, simple question, but for me, it meant so much more. It meant admitting to myself that I… well, I liked Fujisaki. That caught me off guard, though it shouldn't have, because the thing I wanted the most at the moment was to be with him. So I answered him as honestly as I could. "London sounds nice right now. You should send me a postcard."
"Maybe I will," I could almost hear him smiling.
Timidly, I asked "Are you coming back soon?"
He sighed in what sounded like frustration, and then said, "I hope so. It depends on… some things."
"Like what?"
"Things, Rima." I grinned.
"That's good. You should come back soon. I… miss you."
There was a pause, and I was tempted to hang up but was far too curious to see what he would say.
"I miss you too," I exhaled in relief, my cheeks pink. "I'll come back, soon, I promise." He sounded determined, now. "I'll come back, and everything will be like before."
"Really?" I asked.
"Maybe," he responded. "Maybe they'll be even better."
He came back four months later, and for a while, things were better. They were great days. I was so happy he was back, and I thought that maybe something would happen. Surely something would happen soon. But then I found out.
"You were in Japan for three months before you told me?" I felt like my mind was going 200 kilometers an hour and in the wrong lane. "You- you lied to me?"
"Listen, Rima-"
"Why would you lie to me?"
"It's not like that! I didn't mean to lie, it just-"
"Just what? Just sort of happened? Ugh, I'm so stupid! I never should have trusted you in the first place! I knew-"
He caught my wrists and looked me in the eye. "Listen, I didn't want to lie to anyone, especially you, but there were some things-"
"Like what?"
"Things!" There was no friendly edge to this. It wasn't playful banter, it was serious. "Things that held me back… things out of my control…"
I was staring up at him, and as I looked into his eyes I knew instinctively what he was going to try. Right as he lowered his face to mine, I looked down. His lips ended up in my hair.
"This never happened." I whispered, backing away. "Nothing. Not the phone call, not our friendship, nothing. If you tell anyone, I will never forgive you." And I did what I always seem to do: I ran away.
Back in the present, I realized that I had never forgiven Fujisaki for what he did. I doubted I ever would. He had cut me deeply, and I still had the scar.
It was also probably one of the reasons my friendships slowly fell apart. I stopped hanging out with everyone if Fujisaki was around. It was only recently that I'd begun to forgive him.
I wondered: If Fujisaki had tried to kiss me today, would I have let him? I told myself that no, I never would, but as I fell asleep against the window, my mind unequivocally whispered yes.
Hello, my dears!
I'm sorry I've been gone for so long! I had some stuff to take care of, and a lot of end-of-the-summer cramming to do! Anyway, he's the bad news: school starts in two weeks!
Gah! I dont think I'll be able to upload much after this chapter, because school is extremely packed for me! I'll try my best to get a new chapter in before school starts, but it's all very iffy. I'm sorry!
This chapter marks the start of the Hokkaido arc. It'll be really weird and lots of fun :) I promise. Wait for it, my darlings!
~Alice
