Letting go
***
Diane brought my things into my Healing Centre room. I listened to the radio every chance I got, whenever the nurses weren't around. Which was mainly late at night. But I had nothing to get up for in the morning, so time was more or less meaningless. Time as measured in hours, minutes and days anyway. Time measured in months was all important. And excruciatingly slowly, the months slipped by.
The voices were never anyone I recognized, but I listened anyway. I had missed listening to their stories, but it was a poor substitute for seeing Alex.
Then one night I recognized a voice. It was Blackheath's.
"This is a message from Dukh to his Dusha," he was saying, slowly and carefully, "you are going to have a package."
A message from Blackheath. Weird. I had never heard him on the radio before.
No, a message from Dukh. Dukh – where had I heard that word before?
I turned to the screen and looked it up. Dukh: Hindi word for suffering. Dukh: Russian word for spirit.
Yes!
It was Alex!
That night, at the party he had been telling Melts Blue Ice about Dukh, his nickname at school… but he hadn't noticed I was there. So this was a message for Melts Blue Ice then. I wasn't convinced. I looked up dukh, Russian, spirit. The words leapt out of the screen at me
"Dal's Russian Dictionary (1880) notes that Dukh (spirit) and Dusha (soul) are noted separately only for convenience…"
Dusha – Soul! His Soul! He had noticed I was there. The message was meant for me!
I could hear the nurse doing her rounds and I shoved my stuff away, pretending to sleep.
It was the longest day ever. Why was Blackheath sending a message for Alex? What would my package be? Last time I had sent cryptic messages, I had been the package. Did that mean Blackheath was coming? That made less and less sense the more I thought about it. Why would Blackheath go near a city, much less a Healing Centre, to visit me? Unless they wanted my help in some way. My stomach dropped. But that was crazy too. Alex knew I was restricted to bed rest. What use could I possibly be here?
I could only come up with one reasonable meaning: that Alex was coming. I nurtured my secret greedily all day.
Finally there was no one around, and I could get out the radio. I listened intently for a break in the transmissions. At last the paces of messages slowed. I snatched up my notes from last night and grabbed the transmitter.
"This is a message for Prizrak from Plamya," I said shakily, then paused to clear my throat, "Come home soon you bastard."
There was silence for a while then the crackle of someone picking up a transmitter.
"You tell him, Plamya," said a voice I'd never heard before.
But he didn't come.
***
Bhask came instead, waking me in the middle of the night when nurses were at their scarcest.
"Hey Mum," he said quietly.
"Hey you!" I replied grinning happily. Then I saw Dorsey standing behind him.
"Dorsey!" I yelled gleefully and we all shushed each other in a tangle of arms and hugs. I was laughing and crying at the same time. Dorsey! I hadn't seen her in months and months. Eventually I noticed they weren't quite as pleased as me.
"Guys?" I asked, "Are you alright?" They nodded, and Bhask looked at Dorsey.
"Are you ok? Why are you still in hospital?" she asked, but she wouldn't look at my eyes.
"I'm fine. What's going on. It's not Alex is it? Is he ok?"
"Sh, he's fine," she said, but looked even sadder, "It's, well…" she rallied herself.
"Mum's been sick for a while," she said. Edie? I thought, sick?
"She… she…," Dorsey was crying silently, "She's gone, Flame."
"She's gone," I repeated, stunned.
"I'm so sorry," Dorsey said. "I'm so, so sorry." Mute, I held her close.
"Alex wouldn't let me come. I was so angry with him, Flame. I had a really bad fight with him. I had to get Bhask to sneak me in," Dorsey said, "I couldn't believe he hadn't told you she was sick. And now it's too late."
Edie was gone, I thought, I hardly knew her.
"She wanted you to have this," she held out Edie's wedding ring. My heart twisted sharply. What use did I have for a wedding ring? Alex was never coming back. I felt my breathing grow shallow.
"Flame?"
Never coming back.
"Flame!"
The world was growing dark. The nurses would be coming.
"You have to go Dorsey," I whispered, "They'll find you."
Then I was gone.
