A/N: I'm finally back, YAY! This is gonna get pretty dark pretty quickly
TW: Talk of suicide
oOo~
After what felt like years, I finally got some time to myself. I was thankful that Andy had finally respected my wish to be alone for a while. I needed this time.
Standing at the edge of the beach in the black of night with the brisk wind biting at my hands, I let out a deep sigh. The full moon throws an eerie reflection on the calm water, and I wonder if there is a time I've ever been more at peace.
My whole world is collapsing around me, and I'm spending time at the beach. I let out a deep breath and take a small step into the black water, a shiver escaping my body as the water numbed my toes.
It was good. That feeling of being numb; that feeling that at least for the next few minutes I wouldn't have to feel. Taking another hesitant step into the water, I drag my fingertips across the cool surface, entranced by the ripples my fingers created. Now in water up to my waist, I let out another sigh. What am I doing in the ocean in the black of night? I wish I knew.
I wish I knew why I felt so overwhelmed. I wish I knew why I couldn't stop crying. I wish I knew why I was pushing Andy away when all he was trying to do was help me. I wish I knew.
I felt unstoppable. Each step I took came with more conviction than the last, as if some invisible force was driving me forward. Now the water lapped at my ears and chin, violent shivers overtaking my body as the frigid water soaked in.
Ice. I felt like solid ice as I ducked beneath the water, hardly moving as the current pushed me to and fro. It was a great feeling, to feel nothing but my own existence for just one moment.
"Sharon! Sharon where are you?!" A voice calls as the water tosses me around more violently, "Sharon!"
I couldn't move. It was almost as if in that moment I was dead.
"Sharon!" The voice calls again and I know it's Andy, but no matter how hard I try my limbs won't obey the command to bring me to the surface, "Sharon!"
There it was, like a knife in my back, that one kick of contact before Andy's strong arms lifted me from the water.
"Sharon, Sharon oh my god!" He cries and pulls me tightly against his chest, the water lapping at my toes as he fought against the current. If only I could move. If only I could tell him I'm okay, "Just keep breathing sweetheart, please." He begs, his breath hot against my cheek as he stumbles ashore before staggering through the sand, "Don't leave me Sharon, please don't leave me."
I won't Andy, I won't. I try to respond, but my body refuses to obey once again. I can hear the blood pumping in my ears and the breeze that nipped at my already frigid skin before Andy placed me in the back seat of his car and sped off down the highway.
"Everything is going to be okay Sharon, just hold on for a few more minutes, please." I can hear Andy begging through the tears as his voice slowly fades out.
~oOo~
When I come to, everything is hazy, almost as if steam were covering my eyes. I try to draw a breath but struggle, feeling as if I'm choking as my body fights me.
"Sharon, you're awake!" Andy exclaims frantically as I feel him take something out of my throat before kissing my cheek, "I'll be right back, just try and breathe okay sweetheart?" He asks before rushing out of the room.
Oh God. I had actually almost killed myself. Rusty is dying and my response was to kill myself. What's wrong with me? That's not who I am, not who my parents raised me to be, and certainly not the person Rusty or Andy need me to be.
The door clicks open and Andy rushes back in, followed by none other than Marissa, my nurse from last time. She looks at me wide-eyed for a moment before taking my vitals, and I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes as she does so. It hurts to breathe but I try my hardest, as both Marissa and Andy cautiously encourage me to inhale and exhale.
"Tell me what happened." Marissa coaxes softly as Andy offers her his chair. I slowly look to her and blink once, trying to hold back the tears that were welling in my eyes.
"I…" I try to begin, but my voice comes out as nothing more than a squeak. I cough and Andy quickly opens his water bottle and offers it to me. I take a grateful sip and try again, my voice sounding foreign yet strangely mine as I spoke, "I… I don't know. We talked to Dr. Shepherd and I ran. I was standing on the beach, and then… then I was drowning. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't move, I couldn't swim, and I couldn't do anything. The last thing I remember is… is Andy putting me in the car." My voice trails off remorsefully, "What is wrong with me?"
"Andy, can I talk to you outside please?" Marissa asks and motions towards the door with her eyes as she and Andy both stand and walk towards the door.
"I'll be right back." He assures me, placing a kiss to my forehead before following Marissa out.
~oOo~
I can't hear their conversation, but I can see Andy's growing frustration through the window. His face is red and he is continuously running his hands through his hair and scratching his face. I've known Andy long enough to know what those gestures mean: Nothing but bad news.
Oh God, I hope they're not talking about Rusty. That one thought shakes me to my very core, the thought that while I was off being reckless, Rusty's condition could've changed, or worse.
I quickly glance away from the door as Andy carefully opens it and walks back into the small room, "Hi." I say quietly as I nervously bite my bottom lip.
"Hi." He lets out a deep sigh and sits in the chair beside me, clasping his hands in his lap and bowing his head, "You lied to Marissa." He states plainly, "Did you think for even one second about what you were doing?" His head is still bowed, and I can't bring myself to look at him either, "Well?"
"I don't know." I can feel the tears biting at my eyes, "I don't know what I was thinking, okay? One minute I'm standing on the beach admiring the sunset, and the next I'm underwater. What do you want me to say? It was like I had no control over my body. I just kept walking. And walking." I let out a deep sigh, "You know I would never-"
"No!" He raises his voice, his hands covering his face as he begins to cry, "I don't know! I don't know anything anymore Sharon! As far as anyone can tell, you tried to kill yourself tonight. How am I supposed to explain that to Ricky and Emily? To Rusty and Provenza and Chief Taylor? How do you expect me to tell everyone that ever depended on you or loved you that you tried to take your own life? That is what Marissa and I were talking about. She asked me how I felt about you seeing a psychologist, and I told her I thought it might be in your best interest to for a while." He shrugs and rubs his eyes before lifting his gaze to look at me, "You scared me Sharon, really scared me. And I can only help you so much." He sighs sadly again.
"I'm fine Andy. I am, truly. Am I struggling? A bit, but it's nothing I can't work through on my own."
"No!" He bursts out again, this time his eyes locking with mine as he filled with rage, "You are not okay! If I hadn't pinged your car's location, you would have died! You are not okay Sharon, and no one expects you to be. But you have to realise when you've hit your limit, and when to ask for help. We can only do so much to help you. You also have to be willing to accept the help we're offering."
I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath, soaking in his words. He was right. He was right, and I needed to accept his help. I swallow the lump in my throat and open my eyes, "Can I tell you something?" He nods his head and I let out another deep breath, reaching up to push a strand of hair behind my ear before I speak, "Every day I take my gun and hold it to my head," I hear him inhale quickly, "and sometimes I think about pulling the trigger. About how easily we could end our own lives, about how easy it is for us to forget just how blessed we are to even be here in the first place. But maybe it isn't a blessing. Maybe being here isn't a blessing at all. I was always raised to believe in God. But what kind of sick bastard would bring a boy into my life, into my heart, only to burden him with a deadly disease?"
"The same kind of sick bastard that would bring you into my life, into my heart," he repeats, "only to burden you with a deadly disease."
"I'm not dying Andy, I'm not." I argue, toying with the bracelet on my wrist, "I'm not."
"You are." He argues strongly, "It's not something I talk about, but my mother was depressed too. She had a sister who died in a shooting right before I was born. I only ever knew her as being sad, gray almost. And one day she… she took a handful of pills. I came home from school and she was lying on the couch. I thought she was just sleeping, but she wasn't. I tried for hours to wake her up until my father got home. Where you are now, that's where she started. And losing her, that killed me. But losing you would be even worse. So just… just stop saying you're fine! You told me yourself that every damn day you think about shooting yourself. What if you had died tonight? What if in three days time Rusty woke up and the first thing I had to tell him was that you killed yourself? What then? What would happen to Rusty? Did you ever think about that? How do you think Emily and Ricky would feel? What about the department, about me? Do you realise how incredibly selfish you are?"
I finally force myself to meet his eyes, and I can see the pain he was feeling. His cheeks were flushed, and his face was marked with bitter tears as they traced their way down his sharp features. How am I even supposed to respond to him? How am I supposed to tell him that I don't regret what I did, not even for a second? How am I supposed to tell him that the grief I feel for Rusty trumps my feelings for him?
"I'm sorry I hurt you." I admit quietly, "It's just…" I sigh, "I don't feel anything anymore. Even when I'm with you, when I used to feel so loved, so in love, now I just feel numb. When we go to a crime scene, I don't feel loss for the victims. I feel like everything that's been happening is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I just want to wake up…" I sigh, my voice trailing off as I close my eyes and wrap the thin blankets tighter around myself.
"I know sweetheart, I know." He responds solemnly, "And I'm going to do everything I can to help you." He sighs, "A psychologist should be in later to talk with you, okay?" He questions, to which I just nod my head. "I'm going to call Emily and Ricky and let them know what's going on. Then I'll have to talk to the chief and let him know he's going to have to survive a few days without us. Unless you need me, I want to stay with Rusty. He could wake up any time now, and I don't want him to be alone."
"Thank you." I feel my tension ease as he places a kiss to my forehead, "And I know apologising means nothing, but I'm sorry to have scared you this way."
"You're alive, that's what matters." He states as he heads towards the door, "Next is the hard part."
