(MULDER'S POINT OF VIEW)

All alone, I stared at the "I Want to Believe" poster in front of me. Over the years, it was funny to consider the changes that had occurred not only inside myself, but in the evolution of Scully and I as a unit...as a team...hell, it was hard to think of a word that would properly describe whatever we had become.

From day one of our meeting, the tacky ass poster I glared at currently, symbolized what I had always needed from Scully. For so long, I had only wanted her to believe in the cases we strived over, to grasp a greater understanding of the paranormal and the unexplainable things that I had pursued with diligence. Due to my immediate respect for her (after all, she was very intelligent. Scully could be quite intimidating for a man to handle. Hell, she still was even to me after all this time...) I had wanted her to believe in what I believed to gain a greater respect from her. To be blunt, I did not want Scully to think I was as crazy as everyone said I was, and I had wanted to prove to her that I was a rational agent who deserved respect despite my work and personal beliefs.

I don't think I ever succeeded in proving that to her fully. In fact, I am fairly certain that never occurred.

But, time does weird things to people. At some point, and I don't know when that was, the poster began to symbolize something all together different from what I had intended. The poster became a personal and secret desire that I had held under wraps for far too long. "I Want to Believe" had become aimed at Scully and her alone; I wanted to believe that I could attain her, to believe that she might find a decent quality left in me, and decide I was worth pursuing.

"I Want to Believe"

The statement did not declare something as a truthful fact, it merely suggested to maintain a hope for something.

Since the day I became aware that I loved her, I have always had hope, whether it be for my own personal future, or her own well being. Scully was the light in my life. My crusade for my profession had developed into a quest to make her mine, and I'm not ashamed of that kind of revelation. I would never feel shame for anything that involved Scully. The thought of her produces a thick and heavy feeling of pride in my gut, because if Icould have a relationship with someone such as her, the personal demons of mine were at bay.

Somehow, I had conquered myself through loving her.

Which is why I have always been the more open of the two of us. To me, there had never been a struggle to realize my emotion. I suppose though, for Scully, it was a huge struggle. For someone so logical and stubborn, I don't know how long it took her to finally come to terms not only that she cared for me, but that I loved her despite the fact that she tried her hardest to ignore it for so long.

The moment I first realized that, some years ago, I had been so down in the dumps... (Scully has always been aware of my brooding habit). On that day, I recall the two of us in the office, with my head hung low in some sort of self-induced agony, and she planted a simple, chaste kiss to my forehead, before she left in silence. The silence had been for my benefit alone...and suddenly, with the last image of her out the door, it dwelled on me that I had become so selfish in my own crusade, that I had managed to take her gentle affection for granted.

By then, I had already robbed her of a chance for a normal life in so many ways.

Melissa had died from Scully's association with me alone, not that she blamed me for her sister's death, but anyone else with a sense of wrath would have. However, Scully had always been better than the rest of us common sinners...not that she thought herself to be, but rather, she made sure that conducted herself in a manner that was fair and logical.

Then, of course, her initial abduction, not to mention, the fact that her cancer struggle and subsequent loss of fertility...perhaps the greatest evil of all...had been a direct complication from Duane Barry.

Which, of course, was a direct complication from me.

All the ill in her young life, had been traced back to me, as a result of my own selfish crusade for the truth.

But, it seemed as if things were changing.

If you had told me a year ago that I would stand at the crossroads I face in the present, I would have thought it was impossible. Even I, Spooky Mulder, did not believe. I did not believe that I could be so fortunate to put my plans into action, fortunate enough to woo (or attempt to, at least) the woman I love most genuinely. But here we are.

The honest debate I had in my mind was the decision to either walk or run.

I know that I have her, just as she knows she has me. But how would I take it to the next step?

There was a part of me that wanted to run headfirst, to make things official, to finally talk things out that we have kept under wraps for such a vast amount of time. But, I have known Scully far too long. She had become my conscience over the years, and with her voice in my head I realized that I could not move too quickly. Although I would not mind that in the slightest, I know that starting things so soon would make her uneasy.

All I cared about was keeping her at ease with all of these changes. It had taken so long to non-verbally convince her that it was alright to pursue a romance together. For her to continuously show me the more flirty side of her personality proved two things to me.

One, that she was just a desperate as I was for things to work out. Two, was that she was terrified.

Scully would not change her actions at the drop of a hat. Not only was she trying to prove to me that she wanted this, but she was making herself vulnerable in every way. I had to respect that completely.

I know how her mind conducts itself. She had probably accepted the fact of an impending romance, but she needed proof in every aspect to be comfortable. Mentally and emotionally, we were there.

...So what about the physical aspect?

Scully made my hormones rage like a horny teenager. I know I get her hot and bothered as well...

But attraction is easier than actually becoming physical. Attraction formed in the mind, it was clandestine and hidden away a majority of the time. To become physical, the safety net of attraction is melted away. To become physical, two people had to put their nerves aside and try to please one another in an obvious way. We would have to falter here and there before we would find what it was that we enjoyed from each other. But, it would have complications. We have impossible standards set for ourselves by years of pent up, sexually frustrated emotions geared at one another. Truth is, it may take a while to produce the fantasies we've always wanted.

Scully is a perfectionist. She would stress over everything to try and please me (although I don't think she would have to work too hard). And hell, I can't remember the last time I had sex. The times have changed. What is it that women like nowadays? I fear I've become too accustomed to my own hand.

We would have to swallow our pride. It was as simple as that.

I have never been more ready to pursue this. Scully, however, may struggle with it. I would need to make her comfortable, to ease my way into her (no pun intended but I guess that's exactly what it would lead to).

I would have to do this old school.

I had a loose plan and idea of what I intended to do... the only issue was where I would do this. Where would I release the charm on my unsuspecting Scully?

Location, location, location.

All I needed was a place and a way to carry out what I wanted to do.

...And maybe do a little research on how to sexually please a women. At one point I was pretty good. In fact, I know I was. I think?

Damn this was stressful.