I'm losing my mind.

I'm not even trying to be melodramatic right now. I can actually feel my bloody sanity slip the hell away from me and I don't know how to get it back.

"Fuck." I run my fingers through my hair for god knows the what time today. When all this is said and done, I'm going to have sex hair like nobody's business. This is sad if you think about it because I haven't even had sex. I haven't had sex in like more than a week. This is a new record for me.

This is Lauren's fault by the way.

Lauren with her stupid hot body and stupid amazing taste and stupid, stupid kissable lips.

I can't even believe this is happening to me. I've been so careful over the years to not let this happen and then she comes from absolutely fucking nowhere and just plants one on me. And just like that, my carefully constructed life is gone. It's like all those demons I had stacked inside neat, little tightly wrapped boxes, have broken free and I have no idea how to put them back where they belong.

Maybe I should go back. I think as I reach for my door. Maybe I should just go back up there and explain to her what's going on, if not for anything, to get that sad look she had in her eyes when I left out of my head.

But- I don't know if I'm ready to tell her the truth. If I'm willing to let her in that far yet. So I sigh and get into my car and drive home.

I need to get away from here.

"Boster! Just the girl I was-"Kenzi starts as soon as she sees me enter the house but stops when she actually sees my face.

It totally slipped my mind that she's coming here tonight. Like, she called me and told me and I even told her I won't be in today and gave her some flimsy excuse over some work thing I have to take care of. But all that one hundred percent slipped my mind.

Told you I'm losing it.

"What's wrong?" her voice carries that protective tone it always does when she sees me in pain and I love her for it. But it's the last thing I need tonight.

I don't know how to tell her what's wrong because one; she has no idea what's going on between Lauren and I. And two; I have no idea what's going on between Lauren and I.

I'm the one who ran so there's no logical reason why I should be crying. Yet somewhere between Lauren's place and mine, my fucking eyes just started leaking water and shit. And my nose started running. And my throat got this choked sensation like someone stuck an over sized lemon in it. And then it was like someone was squeezing my heart really tight and it hurt like shit.

And I had to stop my car because my vision was getting blurred because of all the tears.

"Bo-Bo-"Kenzi's voice is soft and concerned and it just makes shit of all the progress I made in the past half hour. Before I know it, I'm in her arms and I'm bawling my eyes out. I don't even give a shit that I'm wetting her shoulder. I just want this pain in my heart gone. "Oh Bo." She whispers. Rubbing comforting circles around my back and it makes me cry harder.

I remember doing this for Lauren just hours ago. I remember how scared she was that she had lost her best friend because she stood up to said best friend when the girl said I'll do nothing but break her heart. And then in just a matter of a few hours, I proved her right and made shit of Lauren's faith in me.

"I fucked up Kenz." I choke out through the tears and the lump stuck in my throat. "I fucked up so bad."

Kenzi doesn't say anything. Just leads us to the couch and lets me cry and cry like a pathetic onion peeler. I think I cry for almost half an hour uninterrupted before my tear ducts run dry and my throat feels like it's been scraped by sandpaper.

"You want to talk about it?" Kenzi asks, running her hands through my hair.

"No." I croak out. It's not that I want to push her away or anything. But Kenzi doesn't really know my no kissing rule and why it's in place and she doesn't know that Lauren and I have been doing an intricate foreplay dance for more than a week. And I don't really have the energy to explain all this to her tonight.

My throat is fucking dry. It literally pains me to speak.

Kenzi just nods like the understanding perfect best friend that she is. "How about I make us some popcorn and we watch The Mask?"

I force out a smile although I'm certain I just look like someone forced a huge piece of lime into my mouth. Usually Jim Carey always makes me feel better about anything. But I don't want to feel better tonight. Not when I don't even know how Lauren is doing after the stunt I pulled. I don't deserve it.

But Kenzi doesn't deserve to deal with my guilt when she's doing nothing but being the world's greatest best friend. It's not her fault I'm a fucked up human being.

So I just nod and Kenzi gives me a relieved smile. "Okay. You just sit there and I'll be right back." She says before kissing my forehead and rushing to the kitchen.

The lump in my throat grows even bigger.

….

Kenzi stays with me for three whole days. She watches my every move like a hawk. It's like she's waiting for me to go certifiable and do something drastic, like set myself on fire or something.

Which I would consider, but then setting myself on fire would mean missing a text or a call from Lauren and I'm not okay with that. It's not like she has called or even texted me in the past three days. I sent her a tentative little "Hi. How are you?" Yesterday and it's yet to be graced with a reply.

I'm trying to be mature and do the mature thing and give her space, but it's been three days and I miss her.

Also, I'm worried. A lot of shit happened within a really short span of time. I found out she was lying to me about the Tamsin thing. I found out about Nadia. She lost her best friend. She dealt with her ex. She had me walk out on her.

It was a real shit show.

But the thing is. I had Kenzi to help me deal with it all.

I don't know who she has. Her family isn't even an option and after how things went down with Ciara, I don't know if she is either.

A lot of change took place really fast and I know she doesn't really do well with change and I just need to know that she has a healthy way of dealing with it.

"Where are you going?" Kenzi asks and I pause with my arm midway inside my jacket.

"What?" I feign complete obliviousness.

"Where are you going?" Kenzi draws out like I'm both stupid and slow all at the same time and I scowl at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

God, I should just have driven to Lauren's as soon as I got off work. I really don't have answers to the millions of questions Kenzi is bound to throw my way.

"Don't play smart with me Bo Dennis." She cocks her hip and waves her spatula around. The whole house smells like burnt pasta and I love Kenzi with all my heart. I really do. But by the time she leaves here I swear I'm going to have a permanent stomach ache.

Lauren's an amazing cook.

Even if she cooks green disgusting things. She cooks them well.

"Well?" Kenzi prompts and I shake my head. Buying myself time to come up with a believable lie. Kenzi is a bullshitter to end all bullshitters. It's the hardest thing on earth to outright lie to her. She detects lies before you even think of them.

"I uh- I'm going to see someone about something. "

She squints at me. Her blue eyes trying to catch me in a lie. Which she won't because I didn't lie to her. I just didn't tell her the truth in details.

"Someone?"

"Yes." I nod I put on the rest of my jacket hurriedly. "And I'm going to be late if I don't leave right now. Save me a plate of that delicious pasta you're making."

Before she can say anything, I slip out of the house and close the door behind me.

….

I sit in my car for lord in heaven knows how long, practicing how I'm going to break the ice with Lauren. It would have been so much easier if I'd gone back that night. I would have called it a temporal lapse of judgment. I would have said I'm sorry and then gone back to doing what we planned on doing.

But now it's been days and the rift between us has festered like an infected wound. And if I don't approach it the right way, I might make a mess and just leave things worse than they already were.

"Lauren. I'm really sorry you kissed me and pissed me off. Please don't do it next time and-"nah, she'll slap me all the way to Asia if I spew such shit. I'd slap me if I were her too.

"I'm really sorry I ran out like that Lauren. It's just that you shouldn't have kissed me and-"nope. That won't work either. It sounds like I'm absolving myself of all blame. Which is the last thing I want to do.

Maybe I should just do it the simple way. Say sorry. "I fucked up and I'm sorry." And pray to all that is holy that she forgives me. When

I nod to myself. Thinking this is a great way to go. I'm just unbuckling my seat belt, murmuring my apology under my breath when the blasphemy of all blasphemies happens right before my very eyes.

I duck to hide my head but leave just enough so I can see. Not that I want to. I have to. It's like being a witness to one of those gory accidents and wanting to look away because it's disgusting as all actual fucks but not being able to because you have to see and confirm that what you think is happening is really happening.

Some home wrecking trollop has her slimy ill shaped hands all over my Lauren. It's like she cannot keep them to herself for even a minute. She's saying something she either thinks is cute or funny because she keeps laughing and smiling and touching Lauren's arm in this exceedingly suggestive way.

And Lauren. Lauren is just letting her. For fuck's sake the couch where I sat in her house is still warm and she's already out prancing with some touchy slime?

I don't deserve this.

I fucked up. I can admit that. But this is a fucking low blow.

I've been worrying myself sick about her and she's what- going out on dates with fake redheads? Like, who does that?

I'm just in the middle of my bash fest when the redhead gives birth to exceeding bravery and leans in to kiss Lauren. I swear I see red, green, blue, all the colours of the bloody rainbow.

But then Lauren turns her head so the kiss lands on her cheek and she gives the woman this apologetic small smile and my vision clears a bit. Maybe she's not as over me as she thinks she is.

I can work with that.

Fake redhead is apparently understanding and just smiles and kisses Lauren's cheek once more before walking to her car. I strongly dislike that woman.

I don't allow too much time to pass before I'm walking out of my car towards Lauren's. There's a chance she might not open her door if she knows I'm the one on the other side and that's a chance I'm not willing to take.

I catch up with her just as she's unlocking her door and she turns around even before I say a word. Like she's in tune with my presence or something. That alone makes me feel a little better over the fact that she practically cheated on me.

"Bo- what are you-"

"I came to talk." My voice comes out a little tight. A little less apologetic than I intended for it to. Thing is, I've spent so much time with Lauren, so much time taking her in, that I now know her scent by heart. And she smells like her mixed with something else tonight. I'd bet really vital body organs that that something else is Fake Redhead and this knowledge just dampens my mood.

"This isn't really a good time." She sounds stern. Or at least she tries to. But her voice is wavering and I just saw her take a step back.

"Why?" I take a step towards her and she takes another one back. "Because you're tired from your date?" I know I sound petty. I know that.

Now ask me if I give a fuck.

"That's none of your business." She spits the words out and I take a step towards her. She backs up again and I take another one.

"It's all of my business, Lauren. You're all of my business."

"No I'm not. Not when you don't even want me."

That really knocks me from fucking nowhere. I wasn't expecting that. Not just the words, but the tone. I would have been less surprised if she had said them in anger. And I think she intended for them to come out as angry.

But she just sounds sad. It's like she actually really believes what she's saying. And that saddens me. I have never in my life wanted anyone or anything as much as I want this woman. I am literally incapable of controlling myself around her. My want for her has me acting half crazy at times and she thinks I don't want her?

How?

She must have noticed how her words sounded because she suddenly schools her features into an unbothered mask. "But that's okay, because I don't want you either."

I'm not worried because I know she's lying. Lauren's eyes are too expressive. They lean so much on her mood its fascinating. And right now she's lying to me. I can see that clear as day.

But I am worried because sometimes, if you tell yourself a lie often enough, you start believing it as the truth and I'll be damned before I let that happen.

So I take a step forward. She takes a step back and I have her right against her door. Exactly where I want her. I'm going to kill two birds with one stone. Remind her just how much I want her. And also remind her just how fucking she undeniably wants me right back.

She knows what I'm about to do. Her chest is heaving. Her brown eyes coffee dark. Her lips are red tonight. And all that coupled with the blush now coating her cheeks, she looks like sex on legs I swear.

I have her trapped between me and the door. Her chest touching mine each time she breathes. I kiss her chest, right between her breasts and smile when she moans. I kiss my way up the side of her neck. I'm slow, taking my sweet time. I'm on a mission to make her remember and I'm not going to stop until she does.

"Bo stop." I love how even as she moans this out, her hands are wrapping themselves around my hair. Pulling me even closer to her. "God that feels so-"

I lightly bite at her ear. Making her lose her words to a moan. I have fucking missed this so much and if wasn't for the fact that she has traces of stupid Fake Redhead on her, this would be perfect. "What was that about not wanting me, Lauren?"

I tease, melding our bodies even closer. Forgetting that we're outside and any freaking body could see us.

"Please stop." She whispers out after a few minutes and my whole body stills. Her voice isn't lusty any more. It's swimming in tears and I move back as if burnt. Panicking that I've hurt her. Her eyes are glassy with tears and I'm just about to ask if I've hurt her when she shakes her head and wipes her tears before they fall. "You can't keep doing this to me, Bo. I'm not your fucking sex toy."

It takes a few seconds for the words to register in my mind, but when they do, they hit me so hard I take a step back. "That's not what-"

"It's exactly what you think of me." She cuts me off before I finish. "And just because you can make my body do whatever you want it to doesn't mean you should Bo. It's not fair. You can't just use me anyway you feel like it whenever you feel like it."

"That's not what-"

"Really?" Her brown eyes are blazing now. She looks really pissed. "The last time I saw you, you were yelling at me for kissing you. Like I was repulsive or something. Then tonight you turn up here and do whatever you want to me without even as much as saying hi."

I want to explain to her that that's not how it was. That that's not how I intended for it to happen. That I was going to say sorry and explain myself. But she looks so pissed I don't think she'll even listen to me.

"I'm never going to stop you." Her voice sounds calmer. More controlled. "I like you too much. I'm addicted to how you make me feel. I feel too much when you're around me. I don't stand a chance against you Bo Dennis. I never did. But if you see me as anything more than someone to use however you want, you'll do me a favour and stop yourself. At least until you figure out what you want."

And with that, she turns and unlocks her door. And walks in without sparing me a single glance.

Kenzi is waiting up for me when I walk back into my apartment. Some Chinese movie playing on TV and a bowl of various snacks on her lap. "You're back," she stretches her neck to yell. Her fake glasses slipping down her face. "There's a plate of yummy pasta for you in the microwave for you."

"I don't really think I'm in the mood for food right now, Kenz." I say, slumping onto the sofa. Lauren's words ringing in my ears. Is that really what I made her think I see her as, a – a- what she called herself?

I mean yeah, I relentlessly try to have sex with her. And the last time she tried making it out to be more I freaked out and I get how that might come off as me just wanting her for her body but that's really not it.

Her body is ridiculous. Agreed. Do I want to have sex with her? Yes, yes, yes. But that's not because I see her as some sort of thing. It's because I just really really want her. I haven't even thought of another human being since I met her. She's the last woman I slept with and the only one I even think of sleeping with anymore.

And that kissing thing. It's really not what she thinks. I didn't find her repulsive. I couldn't even if I was blind. It's deeper than she thinks.

And I really wish I'd explained all this instead of just standing there like some brainless zombie.

Kenzi pauses the movie and places her glasses on her forehead. Then faces me with one those half concerned, half determined looks on her face. "Okay. What's up with you? I've honestly never seen you this down over anything. And don't tell me you don't want to talk about it because you clearly need to."

I look down at my nails. I don't really particularly enjoy this talking about one's feelings business. I don't see the use, my feelings are my own. No one else needs to be privy to them. But maybe, if I had practiced this art of feelings sharing a little more, I wouldn't have fucked up tonight to the extent that I did.

I went there with such a good plan and then bam- I crapped all over it. I swear this is all somehow Fake Redhead's fault.

"I think I fucked up something really good tonight." I say finally. Feeling the words hurt as they come out. Kenzi's face remains neutral and I love her for it. "I think- I think I've been fucking it up for a while now without even knowing or meaning to." For the first time this whole night I feel tears. I didn't want to cry tonight. I really didn't. "And I want to fix it so badly, and I just don't know how."

"This thing that you've messed up, is it with someone, or is a work thing or…what?"

"It's with someone."

"Have you tried saying you're sorry? Usually that works better than people even know."

I didn't even get to do that. I wanted to, but I didn't. Kenzi smiles at my sad look that answers all her questions.

"Well, there you have it. Call her. Arrange a meeting or something. Say you're sorry. Explain your side of things because I know you BoBo. And you're not one to intentionally hurt people."

"What if she doesn't want to talk to me ever again? She was on a date with some Fake ass Redhead tonight. Maybe she doesn't want to hear what I have to say."

"At least you would have tried." Kenzi says patting my thigh and I sigh. Knowing she's right.

….

I know Lauren won't pick my calls.

I'm not stupid; I know how to determine outcomes based on patterns. So, for the second time this week, I drive myself to her house and knock on her door. Waiting anxiously for her to open up.

She seems to be going somewhere based on the tight black jeans and white top she's wearing. There's a pin sticking from the side of her mouth and one of her hands is holding her hair up.

The thought that maybe she's this dressed up for that fake haired wrecker of homes makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. But instead, I muster a smile from some seriously proud part of me. I'm going to be mature goddammit.

"Hi." I remember to say this time. "Hello." I even add a wave like I'm some sort of dork and it's like seven different levels of pathetic how happy it makes me when that makes her smile.

"Hi." She chuckles out; placing the pin in her hair so it's now some intricate hairstyle that I think must have taken her hours to perfect. It also leaves her neck bare and just begging for my lips on it but I look away like the mature person I now want to be.

She opens her door wider to let me in but I shake my head. "I'm actually not coming in. I just-I wanted to say I'm sorry. For how I've been acting and how I made you feel like you're just a thing to me and maybe invite you for dinner. With me. Just to talk. But you seem to be going somewhere so-"again, Fake Redhead pops into my mind.

"Yeah." She rolls her eyes. "Hell's having a pre-party to her engagement party and my mom threatened me with disownment if I didn't attend so-"she shrugs when she's done. And I hate myself for being relieved that she's not going out with that woman. I know how much time with her family takes its toll on her. But I am pleased as fuck that she's not spending time with that woman. "I wanted to get out of it but I didn't have any plans for tonight so I couldn't."

"How about you have plans with me then?"

This is both a selfless and selfish suggestion on my part. I miss her. I really really miss her. And I also want to save her the pain of being close to her family tonight.

I expect her to say no, but she finally just nods and chuckles out like she's doing something utterly rebellious. "Why not?" She shrugs and my eyes widen. "Let me just grab my jacket and we'll be off."

Well that was unexpected. Not that I am complaining or anything.

….

Lauren is quiet during the car ride. I don't really know what I expected. I mean, when I left the house I was fifty-fifty. Half of me hoped she would give me a chance to even speak and the other half kept imagining the slap she would plant on my face when I showed up.

It was a pleasant surprise. Her good mood and lack of prodding questions and everything. But I guess it was a stretch for me to expect her to just be peachy the whole night like nothing ever happened.

Still, silver linings and all that good stuff; I'm the one who'll get to be seen with her pretty self tonight. 'Cause not to objectify or anything, but she looks hella good in those jeans. Plus her neck is out to play like no one's business. People can say what they want, but it feels really good to be seen with hot people. I totally understand how people feel being seen with me now.

"We're here." I say finally. Stopping in front of a small dinner and I can practically see Lauren's OCD flaring up. The place is run down. I'll admit. But it holds some great and not so great memories for me. Tonight isn't just about explaining my side of the story, but letting Lauren see me. Parts of me I haven't shown anyone in a while.

Not even myself.

"Come on." I say, giving her a small encouraging smile. She just swallows and nods at me. Then follows me out of the car.

….

The place is dead inside. There's some old man sleeping in the far corner. His snores being heard all over the small diner. A woman who looks in her mid fifties, chewing gum, counting a sad amount of money openly. She doesn't even look like she cares if someone takes it all from her, it's that non consequential.

The small TV that seems to be stuck in another decade all together is showing a football match and some small baby is seated on one of the tables, watching attentively like he even knows what's going on. His mother has one of her hands on his lap, the other furiously texting away on her phone and cussing every other second.

It's exactly like I imagined it would be. And nothing like it all at the same time. A feeling gets stuck in my throat and I'm not sure whether I like it or not.

I feel a soft palm wrap itself around mine and I turn to find Lauren looking at me with something that looks a lot like understanding. She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to.

That look means everything to me right now.

….

"Hi." I greet the woman as I take a seat next to Lauren. She looks at me, still at her gum chewing then rolls her eyes and looks towards the kitchen. "Lucy! Customers!" Then she goes back to counting the money for the millionth time.

I keep looking at Lauren. To see if she's freaked out at the fact that I brought her here of all places yet. But every time she catches my eye she smiles and my heart settles just a little more.

How on earth did I ever think all I wanted from her was sex?

How did I make her think that for even a second?

"Rhonda you know I don't-"A voice I remember all too well says all the way from the kitchen then stops when she finally lays eyes on me. "Belle?" Her voice is high. Unbelieving.

I chuckle. Feeling tears prick my eyes and nostalgia overwhelm me. For some reason I hold Lauren's hand even tighter. "Hi Luce." I smile, hoping the tears won't fall and embarrass the hell out of me.

"Holy shit! What the hell are you doing here?"

"I heard you have the best fries in town so I-" I don't even get all the words out before she has made her way across the counter and her hands are wrapping themselves around me. I let go of Lauren to hug her back. Holding her tight and regretting that I never came back to visit. This place might not hold the best memories to my past. But she does.

"God. You've grown so big." She gushes. Looking at me like I'm a display doll and I blush when I see Lauren smile. My badass points are flying away so fast.

"Of course I've grown. It's been six years."

"Yep. " She nods and lets go. "How you doing kid?"

"Good." I nod because really. I am doing good compared to how I left here. "This is Lauren." I point towards one of the reasons I'm doing as good as I am. "She's uh, she's a friend." I settle on that because we're yet to define us.

Luce looks at me with cheeky eyes that haven't changed a bit in six years. "Friend huh. I knew you had a thing for the ladies. Always saw you checking me out when I was showing off my mad cooking skills."

"Shut up." I chuckle. "You burn water and you're like fifty."

"Forty nine thank you very much." She says before turning to Lauren with a warm smile. "Hi honey. I'm Luce, proud owner of this fine establishment. And I'd really like to thank you for bringing my Belle back. Even if it's for just one night."

"I didn't really do anything." Lauren says quietly. Shaking the offered hand.

"Yes you did." Luce just grins at her knowingly.

….

"So you used to work here?" Lauren asks, drying the pan that she has just finished washing. Luce told me that my ass knows where the kitchen is if I want food. And Lauren being Lauren refused to cook until we had washed the pans again.

"And live here too." I say with a little fondness from memories of those earlier days. Before everything became complicated. "I was almost nineteen and I had nowhere to go until I met Luce. She took me in, gave me a job as a waitress and gave me a place to sleep as long as I locked up every night." I laugh softly. Remembering how out of my mind scared I was that first night. But it was so much better than the streets. And it was an easy life. I had food. I had a roof over my head. I had a job. I had friends.

"Then I met a boy." The sadness creeps over me now. There's no turning back. I'm going to tell her. "His name was Ryan. His dad owned some big watch company that he was being groomed to take over someday or something. He used to come in late at night. Leave tips of up to a hundred dollars, maybe more. " I roll my eyes at how big a deal money was to me then.

"One day he asked me out, I said yes and that was that. It was fun at first. Then he started getting possessive, then obsessive. He'd hit me when I so much as talked to anyone else. Then after, he'd kiss me and say, you know I love you, right?"

I don't even notice I'm crying until Lauren's palms are wiping tears off my face.

"Then one day I came to work with a black eye and Luce said enough is enough. She gave me all the money in the cash register and told me to go and never look back. And that's what I did. "

"Bo-"it's one word and it makes me break down completely. I hate myself for it. I thought I'd moved on. I thought I was stronger than this. But apparently I'm not. Lauren holds me tight as I choke with sobs and I don't dare let go. I'm yet to tell her she's not a thing to me but I hope she understands that I wouldn't open up this much for just anyone.

I hope she knows how much trust in her I have to be able to let her in this far.

She holds me until my sobs are no more and then she pulls back and looks at me. Carefully wiping my tears away from my face. I'm sure I look like a mess right now but she's just softly looking at me. "Hi." She whispers out with a small smile and it's not conscious on my part the way I lean in.

Her lips were right there and I just really wanted to. For the first time in as long as I can recall, I wanted to kiss someone.

"Are you sure?" She whispers caringly. Pulling her lips away slightly and I feel deprived.

I nod and palm her cheeks. I've never been surer of anything in my life. "I'm sure."

And when her lips connect with mine, it feels a lot like a new beginning.

…..

This was long. But it had to be just as it is so I hope it's okay.

I said it on twitter that I lost my work, so I had to replot and rewrite. This actually takes a lot of time and a lot of effort and that's why The Woman I married hasn't been updated yet. It's either I rush it and give you mediocre work or take my time and give you something worth reading. So please, to everyone waiting on TWIM, be patient.

Thanks for reading.