chapter twelve: turtleducks
"Children are very wise. Intuitively; they know who loves them most, and who only pretends."
- Flowers in the Attic, V.C. Andrews -
Azula does not know what to say when Azusami recoils slightly, clinging to the welcoming hand of her elder cousin. She was not prepared for this situation, but she does not actually know why she expected to be welcomed with entirely open arms.
Did you welcome your mother that way? is Azula's only inner narrative.
But she is not Ursa? Is she? No.
"Azula, can I talk to you?" Ty Lee seems to have calmed down when she taps on Azula's shoulder.
"Mmm... yes," Azula says coldly, slowly standing up. Azusami keeps staring and staring, like Azula did when her father introduced her to people who claimed to know her. Towering adults who were oh so important, and all she could do was stare.
Two years is not enough time to become a stranger, Azula was certain. But, then again, Azusami was only three when she left, and they did not have the most solid relationship in the first place. It is not as if Azusami could have forgotten the woman who gave birth to her, but Azula knew Ursa longer and could not recall the color of her eyes or the sound of her voice or why she even hated her...
"Azula," Ty Lee breathes, glancing at Mai out of the corner of her protuberant eye. "The reason I ran away is..."
"Yes?" Azula steels herself for another harsh blow. This is going to be terrible and Azula knows it.
"The reason I ran away is because Zuko and I's, uh, affair resulted in... I'm... I'm pregnant with your brother's child and I'm ─ stop running away! Azula, come back! Mai! Mai, she's going to destroy Caldera!"
Mai does not move as Azula runs out of the house, up the street, abandoning her royal guard and her purse and her estranged wife and daughter, and Mai's lips hold a smirk for a brief moment, that is gone the moment Ty Lee turns to face her in exasperation.
"This should get... interesting," Mai says and Ty Lee groans in frustration.
Azula runs the entire length of the upper side of Caldera, all the way to the palace, all the way to the front door, quite literally shoving people out of the way who do not move fast enough for her.
She is as charged as a supernova, and just about ready to burst.
[X]
"After my Six Hundred Day Siege," Iroh says slowly, examining his cooling tea as Azula drinks hers, taking little time to value the taste, "I was at a crossroads."
Azula is thirsty, hot, tired and about to burn down the Jasmine Dragon. Waitressing is terrible, and Iroh just wants to tell her stories. And proverbs. One day... he is just going to wake up dead if things keep going like this.
"Mmm..." Azula moans, frustrated that she is actually listening to his boring story.
"I have many stories that... you do not seem to want to hear. But it changed my perspective. When I returned, my father told me that I was shirking my duties and responsibilities as Crown Prince, and that I had betrayed my family by trying to find myself."
"Mmm?" Azula perks up slightly.
"But I do not regret it, even if it did cost me the throne." Iroh leaves out the part that he did not have a wife and child at the time; they were both dead. Azula leaving had slightly more weight, but he does know the feeling she must have. "It made me realize the actual important things in life."
"Mm.."
"For goal oriented people, it can be very difficult to try to pursue tranquility and be content with the tiles you have been dealt. But it is relieving to get past that difficulty," Iroh says and Azula just squints at him for a moment.
"I would kill for some tranquility right now," Azula sighs before leaving the table and going to sulk in her room.
Iroh smirks at how similar she is to her brother.
[X]
Azula makes it into the palace and her pace slows, and her flare calms. Her desire to flay Zuko alive with fire has settled slightly, but she has no desire to deal with these traitors again. She should not have run like that when confronted with the cold reality of Ty Lee's situation, but she simply does not know what to do. And, as if by some divine joke by the spirits, Azula walks in on an argument between her brother and her mother.
"I thought you said she left," Azula says sharply, tearing aside a curtain and declaring herself viciously. Ursa inhales sharply and Zuko makes a guttural sound of frustration. "Didn't she run away again?"
"Zuko told me you came home and asked..." Ursa squints at Azula for a moment. "He asked me to come talk to you."
"Wonderful, exactly what I want, Zuko. First you knock up my wife, then you convince mother to come home again!" Azula throws up her arms in frustration, and flees conflict again like some kind of coward.
Zuko runs after her, completely forgetting about Ursa. "First I what?"
Azula grits her teeth and twists her fingers together to keep from lighting up this damned tinderbox of a palace. It would look nice on fire. Blue complements grey and black so nicely.
"You didn't know? You knew where mother was," Azula says shrilly, trying to do the breathing exercises Jeong Jeong taught her but barely keeping control of herself. "Ty Lee is pregnant! With your child!"
It clearly is news to Zuko, because he slides down the wall and sits down with his head between his knees. Azula feels as if it would be well within her rights to just execute him now with lightning through the eye, but she continues her march to lock herself in her room permanently this time.
She pauses as she sees Ursa out of the corner of her eye, walking to check on Zuko.
"At least you cheated on your wife less than father!" Azula shrieks, hoping it will wound at least one of them, if not both. And she feels no guilt for angering them.
And at that, she locks herself tightly in her room and lies down on her bed. The bed that smells like safety and home, but it is not really home, not without the woman she once shared it with. Safety would be a joke without someone holding her tightly until she fell asleep.
The tears flow and Azula tries to stop them, tries everything she can to keep from crying, to keep from seeing Azusami's face of utter horror. Azusami's features which are now more pointed and older and... Agni... it hurts.
Azula has no words other than it hurts, and she does not know where it hurts.
And so the tears keep flowing, like she has broken faucets instead of eyes.
[X]
The attempts to get Azula to leave her room are both numerous and fruitless.
First comes Ursa. That goes over as poorly as you would expect. She decides to take the fiercest route, seizes the plate of food being brought by a servant, and invites herself in.
Ursa leaves Azula's room doused in soup and grumbling to herself. She continuously tries, occasionally knocking on Azula's door and telling her that there is a place open for her at the dinner table, or lunch, or breakfast... not that this family needs another dramatic breakfast.
She sits by Azula's door one week into Azula's silence, and is interrupted by her ex-husband, who has yet to even acknowledge that Azula came home. He also has yet to acknowledge that Ursa has come home, but most of that is probably out of fear of losing more than a small chunk of his lower lip.
"I find it pretty hard to believe you're going to make any progress," Ursa sighs, looking Ozai up and down. She hates how far from sickly he looks now. He looks like a person without the shadows of the prison cell and that makes her livid.
"I figured I would try. I can't let my daughter starve to death, now can I?" he says and Ursa rolls her eyes so forcefully she almost loses them.
Ozai knocks on the door once, and has no answer, like most.
"Azula," he says, neglecting the pet name she has grown to despise in hopes that will gain him points. "Azula, let me in. Azula, I'm going to count to five before I open this door..."
Ursa smirks smugly as Azula does not react, and then her eyes widen as there is movement behind the door. Ozai has a small glitter of victory in his eyes, before, there is a loud screeching sound, and the click of a chair pressed against the door, that both Ozai and Ursa are familiar with.
"I am negotiating with neither of you," murmurs a dark voice through the wood, and Azula's footsteps disappear from audible range, back to her bed.
Ozai and Ursa exchange a glance.
The silent accusation is, she gets that from you, from both sides.
[X]
Ty Lee cannot last without Azula so long after having her well within reach and then losing her. She did for two years, and then Azula was placed in front of her. She lies in her grandmother's house that always smells like stale tea and overpriced perfume and tries to remember what Azula smelled like when she kissed her three weeks ago. Mud and forest, actually, but beneath that she smelled like princess.
She closes her eyes and visualizes Zuko coming to her as Sokka and Suki were settling in at a summit all of those years ago. An eternity ago. He told her he wanted her to try to talk to Azula, to attempt to get her to come out of her room. Ty Lee thought she would say no, at first, but she decided to go and try.
It was, in the end, actually a scheme by Zuko to cover up he and Aang's conspiracy to pretend Azula's bending was gone until the world leaders who wanted her neutralized had died down in their anger, and locked away their pitchforks and torches. Ty Lee could have presented a great asset in being able to remove Azula's bending temporarily at will.
But then she went and fell in love. Fell in love. Got married, had a child... two children soon. It's funny what a knock on a bedroom door can do.
And then there is a knock on her door.
"Mama," Azusami says, pounding again. "I'm scared."
Ty Lee gets up and opens the door, inviting her daughter inside to sleep beside her. Azula never allowed that, never allowed anything near it. She would call it sick and incestuous instead of something that normal parents do.
Azusami curls up and rests her head on Ty Lee, ensuring that the acrobat will be incapable of motion for the entire night and wake up with sore, stiff bones.
"When can we see mother again?" Azusami asks, and Ty Lee swallows.
She has to face Azula. Just like that first day.
Ty Lee heads to the palace with Azusami, stunning the guards, Zuko and... Ursa? Ursa came back, hm.
"Where's Azula?" Ty Lee inquires, looking around.
"She hasn't left her room," Zuko says, walking down the hall with Ty Lee. "I've tried bringing her food but it, uh, well... she doesn't eat it."
Ty Lee's heart burns in her throat.
"She doesn't even say anything," Zuko says calmly, gesturing at the closed door. Ty Lee walks towards it, ignoring the Fire Lord, like she did that first day. "It's locked. I mean, if you can get her to open it, by all means..."
It is an abnormally cold day, for some reason. It almost feels like the Earth Kingdom despite the blazing yellow sun. And Ty Lee feels even more of a chill when she tries to summon the courage to knock on the door. She can feel the sensation of little flutterbats in her stomach, reminding her of the child inside of her.
"I don't know," Ty Lee breathes and Azusami tilts her head to the side like a confused poodle-monkey. "I don't know. We've both hurt each other so bad and it's been so long..."
"Yes..." Zuko murmurs, rubbing his neck. "Please try, Ty Lee."
"Mama, I want to see her," Azusami interrupts, batting her eyes and looking at the door. Zuko grabs her hand to try to keep her from barging in and winding up traumatized from the sight of Azula. Zuko has had the displeasure of seeing her current state, and he does not want to inflict it on Azusami.
Ty Lee feels intimidated for a moment. She has faced a great many opponents in her life and managed to stay positive but the thought of knocking on this door makes her stomach twist. The Fire Lord and her little daughter, her little princess, wait for her to approach. Zuko feels queasy and Azusami fidgets impatiently.
"Well, um, I guess I'll just..." Ty Lee walks to the door and holds her fist over it. Pause. She cannot summon the willpower to knock. Finally, she does. Bang, bang. "Uh, hello? Hello?" Ty Lee knocks again. She turns to Zuko, one carefully drawn eyebrow raised. "Is she even in there?"
"If she wanted to escape she would have already. And I think she had her fill of world-traveling adventures," Zuko says with a shrug and Ty Lee sighs. "Azusami, want to go feed the turtleducks. The mother just had four new babies."
Azusami grins at Ty Lee hopefully and her mama nods in assent. She runs after her uncle in excitement over the new turtleducks.
"They're gone now." Silence. "Did you escape?"
Ty Lee remembers those words. That question. And Azula smirks faintly in the shadows of her bedroom.
"No." The voice coming through the door is familiar, but hoarse, as if it has not been used in a long time. Ty Lee grins. Already progress. "Are you going to liberate me, Ty Lee?" Scathing.
"I know it's locked from your side Azula." Pause. "And I know you're being sarcastic so don't get smart-mouthed on me!"
Azula snickers and it makes her ribs hurt. "Mmm. Go away."
"Do you want to come out?" Ty Lee asks, her heart pounding with the thrill of possibility.
Silence. Ty Lee's heart flutters. Fits and starts as her throat feels swollen.
"No pressure or anything, princess." She hopes that addition makes a difference. And then she feels mildly angry. "You only have a little girl who needs you. And a country to run. And maybe a wife to have sex with..."
"Alright, alright, I'm coming," groans the hoarse voice. Azula stands up and hesitantly opens the door to Ty Lee's lopsided grin.
Ty Lee leans forward to kiss Azula, but the conqueror of Ba Sing Se slips away.
"Not yet," she whispers, and she goes to find those damned turtleducks and her daughter.
[X]
Azula makes it to the little pond, where Zuko is handing Azusami breadcrumbs and teaching her to feed turtleducks. The princess knows she looks far worse than a corpse at this point, but the energy in her limbs to see her daughter likely will not last for long, and so she makes use of it.
"Hi, Azusami," Azula says as her daughter tosses breadcrumbs at little baby turtleducks. Azusami spins around, tucking her legs oddly, eyeing Azula with the look of a child facing a complete stranger. It kills something inside of Azula that she did not know was living in her.
"M-mother," Azusami says softly, blinking once. Azula clears her throat.
"Can I feed them?" Azula offers, hoping to find common ground.
"Would you like bread or one of those rocks over there?" Zuko asks and Azula restrains herself from pushing him into the pond.
"The bread," Azula hisses as Azusami distracts herself by meowing at the turtleducks and watching them study her like she is a strange beast.
"Mrrp, mrow, meeeeow," Azusami continues as Azula tears off hunks of bread and tosses them into the water. They splash with great force and the turtleducks that Azusami was entertaining all dash away.
Parenting sucks, Azula muses as her daughter frowns.
"Why were you meowing at them?" Azula asks as she kneels by the pond and extends her hand with breadcrumbs, in hopes the turtleducks will return.
"Ta Rei says that you should always meow at ducks. They like it," Azusami says and Azula realizes she has no idea who Ta Rei is.
"Is that your... cousin?" Worth a shot, given Ty Lee's siblings.
"My friend from school," Azusami says with a proud grin, and Azula drops all of the crumbs into the murky water in shock.
"School...? When did you start school?" Azula breathes, feeling her chest collapsing on itself. She thinks she may be having a heart attack, but she honestly does not care. "You're too young for school."
"I started on the third day of the eighth month this year," Azusami says with a grin. Azula swallows the lump in her throat.
She did imagine she would be there for her daughter's first day of school, and the thought that she missed it has filled her with an inconsolable guilt.
Parenting sucks, Azula muses yet again as Azusami chases after the turtleducks.
Azula gazes after her, unsure where to begin.
[X]
"Ty Lee..." Zuko says, leaving Azula with Azusami and bumping into his sister-in-law in the shadowy corridor. "Azula told me about..."
"That I'm pregnant," Ty Lee sighs, rubbing her neck. This moment could not possibly be any more awkward. "I probably should've told you... but I just ran away instead. It was easier."
Zuko picks at his lips. He does not know where this conversation should lead, or what he shold do. His father had impregnated women before, but he paid them off and they just disappeared. Such a thing cannot exactly happen to his sister's wife.
"Do you want to keep it?" Zuko asks, hoping that is not misconstrued.
"I think so," Ty Lee sighs before frowning. "Maybe. I don't know what Azula thinks because she just decided to go off the rails."
Zuko clears his throat. "She didn't decide to go off of the rails. I don't think anyone would've taken that news very well."
Ty Lee frowns; she knows that a large portion of this mess is her fault, and that kills her. It would be so easy to just shift the blame to Azula, but it is not necessarily so. Azula should not have run off to go find herself, but Ty Lee could have... probably made some better choices as well.
"Okay, but what am I supposed to do to make this right?" Ty Lee asks, sighing and rubbing her face.
"Maybe you and Azusami should move back into the palace. With Azula back... it's less weird," Zuko suggests, turning a palm up and looking at Ty Lee with such hopeful eyes. She thinks he wants to right his wrongs even more than she does.
Ty Lee nods. "Azusami misses it here, I think."
Maybe I do too, she realizes, but she does not want to say it aloud.
Zuko nods at her and is on his way.
[X]
In Ba Sing Se, Azula stares at the dishes Iroh has asked her to wash. He does not think she is going to do it... until she does. She viciously scrubs them, her skin turning red and raw, and Iroh stares for a moment, wondering if he should say something or not.
"Uncle," Azula says as she finally slows her pace slightly and her skin begins to regain its normal coloration. He hides his sigh of relief as he finishes shelving the boxes of new deliveries. "Can I ask you something completely inappropriate and probably rude?"
"I do not see why not," Iroh offers, cringing and starting a pot of tea. More tea... more tea... Azula thinks she will drown the man in his tea as an ironic punishment for what he has forced upon her.
"You told me last night that you traveled the world to find yourself," Azula says and Iroh nods. "Is it true that you went into the Spirit World to try to find Lu Ten?"
Iroh cracks his knuckles and Azula watches how his expression falls. It moves something in her that she did not know existed, that makes her think about her own family.
"Yes," he says, and it is not the answer Azula was expecting. She thought he would deny it, like most people in the royal family have. It was a rumor, they all insisted. "I did not find what I was looking for."
Azula just purses her lips and studies the endless teacups she is washing.
[X]
"I'm trying, Azusami!" Azula snaps before feeling guilty. She is halfway wedged beneath a shed in one of the inner gardens, trying to track down a flock of turtleducks in hopes of regaining her daughter's love.
"They're getting away!" squeals the five year old, bouncing from foot to foot. "Mother! Mother I need one!"
"Stop yelling. You're scaring them," Azula sighs, trying to shimmy beneath the red enclosure and realizing it is likely she will get stuck, and this will be how she died.
Not in battle like a proper Fire Nation citizen, nor by assassination, nor quietly in her sleep like Sozin... but trying to capture a turtleduck for her estranged daughter, stuck beneath a disgusting, dilapidated shed.
"I'm just going to burn down the shed," Azula murmurs and Azusami shrieks in fright.
"You'll kill them," she cries and Azula pulls herself out, attempting to wipe the thick layer of mud off of her body.
Azula takes a deep breath. "I can't do this, okay? I'm sorry. I am not some hero woman who is going to get you a pet turtleduck and win your little heart. I am Princess Azula, and I throw rocks at turtleducks. I also am sorry that I abandoned you, and it was pretty selfish."
Azusami just blinks at her, alert golden eyes studying her mother closely. "You don't have to be sorry."
"No, no I do. I figure I should apologize as quickly as possible, before you start to think of me like I think of my mother." Pause. "Well, she apologizes to me a lot, but it's not very meaningful at this point."
"There are turtleducks at the pet store in the Hoan District," Azusami says sweetly and Azula squints at her for a moment. "I wouldn't really know the difference..."
Azula smirks at the devious glint in her daughter's eyes.
"Well, then, Azusami, go bother your uncle while I bravely get you one of these palace turtleducks," Azula says regally and Azusami winks at her before running away.
Now to wash off this fucking mud...
[X]
Azula returns to the palace with a pet turtleduck in hand, and someone swoops to his side.
"I'll save you, little guy," breathes the Fire Lord. "You don't want to go with her. Do you know what she does to little turtleducks like you...?"
"Okay, I did that one time, Zuko. And it's your fault," Azula says sharply, setting a hand over the turtleduck to keep Zuko from saving him. Err... stealing him. "You told me I was feeding them wrong. You couldn't expect me to just take such absurd criticism lying down."
Zuko just shrugs.
"I'll show you feeding turtleducks!" shrieks Azula, seizing a rock and throwing it full force at the fountain, flames around the sides of the rock from her heated fingers, burning off the grass that is still stuck to it.
Zuko is slack jawed and wide eyed.
Ty Lee interrupts the siblings, also clutching freshly purchased things.
"You have a... aww," Ty Lee says, scratching his ears.
Azula clears her throat and says, "Yes, Azusami asked me to get her the turtleduck she liked from the palace pond. And so... I got him, in a valiant journey of physical prowess."
Ty Lee rolls her eyes, but goes with it. "I got her a cake."
"Why did you get Azusami a cake?" Azula asks, studying Ty Lee closely.
"Well, I'm going to tell her that she's going to be an older sister."
And Zuko wants to throw himself out of the window. Azula just blinks once, breathes in and says, "That would be appropriate," in her coldest, most regal tone.
Zuko considers it a crisis averted.
Although, he thinks that he, Azula and Ty Lee will have to talk about this at some point.
But right now, the question is how Azusami will handle the news.
