Chapter 12: Salt and Savor
Chapter Visual Stimulation: http(:/) /farm6(dot)static(dot)flickr(dot)com/5080/5902044282_e69253eb0b_z(dot)jpg
A/N: I know I almost never put a note up here, but, I thought this bit of info warranted saying before you get into this chapter.
I know we've been together for just about a year and a half now, so, It's probably been a while since you've read the whole story. Its okay. You may have even forgotten some crucial parts of this story because of it. Also okay. This would be a GREAT point to go back and reread the last 11 chapters (and look at the chapter banners), you know, just as a refresher (you may even get a little lusty ammo to go *ahem* enjoy your respective sigs- its a win-win, really.)
After the last chapter, I got pretty similar reviews (btw, thanks guys, you make me so happy!) and PMs (ha! wow,) I figured doing this would help on your opinion of Bella, Jacob, and their overall relationship. Now, I won't insult your intelligence by telling you what to think or glean from what I've written, but I will say this:
1. Since I originally decided to turn this fic into a multi-chap, I decided that the conflict would play out this way, so this is something I've had brewing for a while now, and not at all sudden for me.
2. Bella and Jacob have never had a perfect relationship- they just have perfect sex. Jacob isn't perfect, that's just how Bella sees him (mostly because of his magic stick; multiple orgasms do strange and curious things to a girl's brain.)
3. Angela is a young Sofia Vergara in my brain. Yeah. Hard to resist; I know.
Anyway, that's all I'll say at this point, because I hate spoilers and spoiling. Just sit tight, be patient, and all will be revealed soon enough :) Thanks for reading. I love you all.
I went back and forth with myself about a million times on whether or not I should even go; Paul and Emmett's battling opinions banging around my brain. That morning, as I kissed Bella goodbye, I'd made up my mind. She went off to work and, at around 11:30, I took a shower, dressed quickly, trying not to spend too much time on what I would wear so that it wouldn't look like I tried too hard, and then headed out.
There would be no guilt. I wouldn't be afraid of something as innocent as this. I'd own this. I was a grown man after all, and we weren't doing anything wrong. We were two old friends that happened to date all throughout college and some of our adult lives. Our relationship didn't work out, but it wasn't like we didn't still care about each other, and we wanted to catch up; that's all.
Talking to her had always been easy. She's about as down to earth as they come but, now, it was just...different. No expectations, no demands on my time, no need for explanations – exactly what I needed, without having to answer to her. That's all I ever had to do these days, answer to people. Answer to Bella, or Ness, or my editor, or shit, even Emmett. I felt like I was being pulled in a million different directions, and Angie, well, she seemed like an oasis in the middle of the desert for me. I was grateful for that. As much as she loved me and was concerned, Bella was starting to add to my list things that worried the hell out of me.
Ange was already there when I arrived, sitting quietly in a far corner, thumbing her cell phone. I went to order my roast beef on rye and vegetable soup, and then approached her table. I'm almost ashamed to admit how excited I was to see her.
Her honey eyes met mine and they lit, genuinely. Every good memory of us came flooding back to me, and I smiled at her. Angie waved me over and stood, and I realized just how great she looked in the simple black dress that was supposed to be understated, but showed every curve in her body like a neon sign in Vegas. The top of her head reached just under my chin in her heels, and I bit back the desire to tell her how great she looked at the moment.
I love Bella. I love Bella. Bella is the love of my life. Bella gives me the best sex I've ever had. Bella's smart and funny, and thoughtful. Bella has an ass most guys would cut their nuts off to touch...
Sigh.
This was gonna be a problem. Part of me was glad that she'd be gone and I'd never have to war with myself about this again, because honestly, it was a battle I didn't want to lose and wasn't sure I'd have the strength not to.
We awkwardly stood opposite each other, neither of us knowing how to really greet the other. She was prone to hug, but god knows that's the last thing I needed – her soft body pressed against mine – even covered in two or three layers of clothing. She touched my arm just above my elbow, and that worked for both of us, as we got settled in.
There were a few moments of mutual silence as we ate, she stepped away to take a quick call, and I got a chance to breathe a little, away from the swirling cloud of her amazing perfume, and eyes, and cleavage. When she returned, we finally sunk into fluid conversation, as I started to tell her more about the book, and my trip overseas. I could see a prickle of discomfort behind her eyes, and rightly so. Our relationship had ended on hiccups like that, my need to travel, and her inability to follow. Of course the pink elephant in the room was there, neither of us acknowledging it. Until, finally, when she'd finished half her brownie…
"So, Jake, do you...are you seeing anyone? Seriously, I mean." A blush crossed her cheeks as she shifted in her seat, then raised her eyes to mine.
"Um...I, uh, yeah, actually." We were both quiet for a while, as I swallowed and let her process the information I'd just given her.
"Oh, well, of course you would...I mean, you are a catch..."
"Ange..."
"No, no, Jake, it's fine. I mean, how could you ever stay single, right?" She smiled, and when I say smiled, it was more of a grimace, and my heart sunk a little. I've never wanted to hurt anyone, not intentionally, and especially not someone that I'd had as much history with or as awesome as Angela.
"Angie...I mean, I'm—"
"No...Don't. It's okay, really. I'm just...I hope you're happy."
"I...I am. Really."
"Good, then. That's all that matters, isn't it?" I smiled at her, really smiled, and she did the same.
She told me that she'd dated a few guys, but nothing ever stuck, and that she was single. She still flirted with me, because, really, that's who she is. We continued lunch, she smiled broader, as did I, and we were okay. After all that time, all that wondering if she'd come to hate me for the way things ended with us, I realized why I'd loved her at one time, and why I still liked her so much.
"Okay, well, I actually have to go. I have a few more errands to run before my flight tomorrow."
"Oh. Okay." I had to admit. I was a little disappointed, and I tried my best to hide it in my voice. Truth be told, we were more than just exes; we had been really good friends at one time, and a part of me was fed by the fact that I'd gotten the chance to see my old friend again. "Well, then. Let me walk you to your rental, big shot," I joked. She'd gotten a BMW, something that was sleek and so her for her time in Jacksonville.
"Ha-ha," she answered, dryly, touching that same spot on my arm. Then, she gathered her belongings. The smile that was always sure to come out whenever she was around and laughing crossed my face, and I touched her softly on the middle of her back, beginning to guide her toward the door.
The next thing I saw was that shock of electric purple.
I mean, the last time I'd seen it, it was orange...bright orange. I remember, because that kinda color on someone's head is kinda hard to forget.
Shit...is that...
Alice.
Panic. Panic.
And of course, wherever she went, came...
Long, wavy, dark brown hair, that same fluttery yellow top I'd seen leaving this morning, those same brown eyes, glancing to my right, then to me, then returning to my right.
Surprise...then, happiness...then, surprise, again...then...rage...
That familiar look crossed in her eyes, the intense, kinda frightening glare; that snap...
Shit...
Panic...
Think! Think, brain!
I blew out a long breath in frustration. Frustrated with myself. Frustrated with Bella. Frustrated with the situation.
"Bella!" I ran after their retreating forms, leaving Angie to question what the hell was going on with me, no doubt.
I tried my best to cross the length of the restaurant, and made it outside onto the sunny sidewalk with people going about their day. I could only see her forceful strides, and Alice attempting to calm her, rubbing her back as they approached her car. I caught up to them in a few strides, reached my hand to hers as it swung back and forth with her strides–
"Don't fucking touch me." It was deadly with fury; she blinked, then ripped her wrist from my fingers.
"Bella...Bella, don't—" I reached for her, again, as she was fumbling through her purse in search of her car keys.
I had to diffuse this situation. I had to kill it right now, before she went somewhere and was allowed to stew. I glanced up at Alice, who just looked at me with pity, edged with, well, more pity. She silently waved me away, probably for the sake of Bella, and the future of my children, because she looked like her leg was just itching for a hard knee to the groin.
"I can't even look at you, right now..." She looked everywhere but at me, emphasizing her point with watery eyes.
"Bella, don't... It's not—" And, of course, at what could be described as the worst possible time ever—
"Jake...are you okay?" Angela exited the restaurant, looking perplexed and concerned, and as sexy as ever.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You've got to be fucking kidding me." Bella's laugh was a knife in my forehead.
"Bells..."
"Don't worry about me. Wouldn't want to break up the party...you've got someone waiting on you. Hope you two have fun."
Car door slam, screeching tires in a three-point turn, peeling-off.
Sigh, again.
I was left standing in the middle of the busy sidewalk, looking like I'd just survived World War 3. Angela, of course, stood looking utterly confused, and a lot worried.
"Look Ange, I gotta go...I'll talk to you a little later, okay? Have a safe flight back home."
She nodded. "Are you...are you gonna be okay?"
I took a long pull of air, until my cheeks were full, then released it. "I don't fucking know." I shrugged, then squeezed her arm, turned and headed for my truck.
After a few minutes waiting, just gripping my steering wheel for dear life, I tried to call her. By the fifth time I'd gotten her voicemail, and the third unanswered text message, I briefly considered going to her job and forcing her out, willing her to talk to me. She wouldn't kill me with an audience, right? She couldn't go completely berserk in front of her boss and all her colleagues...right?
I mean, I knew this was coming one way or another; it didn't take Angela as a catalyst. The storm had been brewing. We both knew it.
It had been building for weeks, ever since we'd gotten back and that unspoken fissure between us rapidly grew into a chasm, and fast approached Grand Canyon status. We were drifting, I knew it, but up until this point, I really didn't have the desire or energy to do much to stop it.
I paced my apartment, running my fingers through my hair until I was sure it was sticking up wildly, all over the place. I tried to come up with what I would say to her, a way to explain, asking myself a million questions that I would have asked Bella, if she hadn't completely overreacted, per usual.
Are you pissed at me? Duh.
What does this all mean for us?
How bad is this...really?
I wasn't even doing anything. It was like she'd caught us having sex, or kissing or something. But, really, knowing Bella, she may as well have. She was nuts like that.
I wondered if this meant that she was so angry that she didn't want to do this anymore – didn't want to be with me. I mean, how much did we have if she didn't trust that as soon as things got rough, I wouldn't run to my ex-girlfriend for some physical shit? Was what I had done enough to end us? Had what we were going through reached a level of soaring away from any hope of repair?
What was going through her mind? All kind of terrible, horribly wrong things about me and Angela together, I'd bet. The thought made me feel anxious all over again, forcing me to reach for my next to last ginger ale, knocking it back quickly. I briefly realized that I may need something a little stronger to get me through the evening with Bella I was sure to have. Then again, showing up to her door sloshed probably wouldn't be the best way to fix the situation, either.
I waited in my apartment for as long as I could stand, and until I knew she'd have to be home from work, and made my way down to the familiar door.
4C
Maybe I should go and get my cup, just in case she gets an itch to balls me.
I did a quick cursory knock, then entered. Things looked the same, no complete destruction of her home in a rage of fury.
Then again, she wouldn't destroy her own apartment, would she? She'd leave that for mine.
"Bells?" I was nervous. I took note of my heart rate, my pulse thumping uncontrollably with anxiety and anticipation. "Bells?"
She stepped out of her room, wearing just a bathrobe, hair damp, face flush. I noticed the curve of soft cleavage peeking out from the terrycloth, and in another time, if things weren't so...tense, this have might possibly turn out to be one of our more fun evenings. She walked toward me, her eyes staring coldly at mine, then made a beeline for the kitchen and began filling up a pot for tea, clicking on the stove, and pulling out her favorite red mug.
"Bells, are you—"
She whipped her head in my direction and looked at me with an icy glare I'd never seen cross her face, even when she'd thought that Ness and I had had something going on behind her back. She took a step toward me, clenching and unclenching her fists, and I knew she was on the verge of hitting me.
"I can't believe you, Jacob." she said so low I could barely hear her, her voice violently quiet.
"Bella, you need to calm down, okay? We were—"
"Don't you tell me what to do! You were just, what Jacob?"
"We were just having lunch. She came in town—"
"Just having lunch! Why didn't you tell me, then Jacob? Why were you sneaking around in the back of restaurants, then?"
"I wasn't sneaking! She just—"
"I just want to know one thing: are you fucking her, Jacob? Are you?"
"Are you serious, Bella?" I felt my own hands tremble, my anger flaring, again, and I had to turn my back on her, attempting to compose myself. But fuck if she didn't make it hard. I didn't want this fight.
"You didn't answer my question, did you?"
"Bells! Of course I'm not fucking her! Are you kidding me?"
"Don't Bells me! I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth." A flash of realization crossed her face. "Is this why you can't seem to ever take the time, or have the energy or focus to have sex anymore? Hmm, Jake, because you're giving it to her? Fucking her?"
"Of course n—"
'It is, isn't it! While I'm at work, you're here, spending time with her, shooting the shit, laughing and joking, and you can't give me fifteen-fucking-minutes to save your life!"
I felt the anger rip through me, so strong, so tangible I had to reel myself in, before I said something that I didn't mean, and I wouldn't be able to take back. "Stop interrupting me, woman! If you would just let me get a damn word in, edgewise, I'd be able to tell you that we were just talking! I've been really stressed, in case you haven't noticed!"
"Me? Not notice! All I do is notice you and what you're doing! Don't think I haven't noticed! You barely even touch me anymore!"
Shit.
"Bella, don't blame this on Angela! Our shit started a long time before I ran into her! And, what are you talking about, anyway? Wasn't that you screaming and moaning, riding me this morning?"
Hello word vomit; I see you've decided to join the party.
"Seriously, Jacob? That one time since forever? Please, and it wasn't even that good—"
Ouch.
I scoffed. "Seemed pretty good to me from where I was, Bella...you can't fake squirting." I raised an eyebrow and smirked at her. "...why is this even necessary, anyway?"
"It was necessary because you came in here taking up for that bitch. Saying her name in my house? Fuck her!"
"You're absolutely mental! You're crazy, you know that?"
"Jacob. You haven't seen me 'crazy,' trust me!"
Oh, god, save me if I ever did.
"You know what? Whatever! I just ran into her when I was out with Emmett and we—"
She made a disbelieving noise. "Oh, yeah, that makes me feel so much better! Adding Emmett to this shit!"
"What about Emmett?"
"Are you serious? That—"
"Watch yourself about him, Bella; he's my best friend."
"You know what? Fuck Emmett! This isn't about him! It's about you thinking that instead of talking to your girlfriend, your girlfriend who worries constantly about you, who's making herself sick thinking about how bad she feels, and how much she wants to make things okay for you and us – instead of talking to her, you go and talk to your ex-girlfriend?"
"It's not..."
"Oh poor Jacob, everybody in the whole world stop for Jacob, because he's having a rough month."
"Bella, seriously?"
"Seriously, what, Jake? You're not the only person in the world that's stressed. You're not the only one going through shit. I'm tired of tiptoeing around you like your worries are worse than mine. You get to say, or do, or feel any way you want to, and I'm just supposed to deal with it, because you're a writer, and you're stressed. Please. Give me a break, suck it up and get over yourself."
"Get over myself! You get over yourself and your stupid, petty, jealous bullshit!"
Her face flushed red with anger. "I can't believe you!"
"Believe it! I'm tired of never being able to talk to another woman, EVER, because I'm too afraid that you're gonna completely lose your mind over it! I'm not cheating on you!"
"Right..."
"Whatever, Bella."
"Don't whatever me, Jacob! I'm tired of this shit!
"Tired of what shit? Are you serious? I've never given you a reason to think I'm sneaking around behind your back. Not ever. I'm just trying to finish this book without losing my mind, and I have to deal with this shit...again!"
"I seriously can't believe you. I really can't. What do you mean, again?"
"I mean your insecure nonsense! Every time, it's the same thing: old, young, fat, skinny, it doesn't matter. If she's a chick, and she's talking to me, Bella flies off the handle! I try to ignore it, to let it roll off my back, but I'm sick of it! How do you even let me out of the house? It must drive you crazy!"
"Well Jake, if you would stop hanging around all these whores—"
"Whores, Bella? Are you listening to yourself? I was in a relationship with Ange for like six years!" I had never given her a reason to mistrust me. I'd always been true to her, mostly because it just wasn't my style to cheat, but also because I loved her and I knew she was batshit crazy.
"Of course, here you go, taking up for Angela, holding your fucking relationship with her up on this pedestal. What about me? What about us! Think about me for once and stop rekindling some kind of flame with Angela."
"Rekindling! Are you serious? It was just lunch, Bella! Just. Lunch!"
"Again, if it was just lunch, then why have you been trying so hard to hide it from me, huh? How long's this lunch been going on, exactly?"
I flinched. I hesitated. If I was being honest with myself, I was hiding it. I was trying to get through this, spend some time with Angie without Bella knowing it. Mostly, though, to avoid conversations, or rather, insane fights like the one I'd seemed to have gotten myself into.
"Well, for one, I knew you'd act like this! Just like always." She grunted, again, both of us finally aware that the blaring, shrill sound we'd both been progressively raising our voices over was the teapot, screaming its boiling point, so long I was sure that all of the water must have evaporated.
"Oh, so, your fucking around is my fault, now?" She stormed past me, nudging me out of the way with the right side of her body, and stomping toward the kitchen to remove the kettle and turn off the stove.
"I'm not fucking her! You know what? Whatever! I'm so sick of this shit! I'm not fucking cheating on you. You can take that or leave it."
"Oh! Oh! You're tired? I'm tired, too! I'm tired of all your shit! Every night, it's the same thing: 'I hope I don't do something to piss Jake off.' 'Let me cook, or let me just be there for him.' 'Let me fuck him so he's happy, and not sneaking around behind my back having lunch.' Let's all make Jake the most important thing in the universe!"
"Seriously, Bella? That's not even—"
"Please! You're so fucking self-centered, you have your own suns orbiting around your head!"
I smirked again, and if I wasn't so frustrated and pissed, I'd have to laugh at the girl. "You know what? Fuck it. I'm over this."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means maybe we need to take some time. I don't need this shit, especially when I have work to do!"
"Time, huh?" For the first time that night, I saw her flinch, indecision shadowing across her face for just a second, and then, it was gone.
"Yes, Goddammit! I don't need this shit from you, not now. Do you know what I've been going through?"
"Of course not, Jacob! If you would fucking talk to me, maybe I would!"
"I—" But nothing came out. I really was tired. I was tired and frustrated, and...done.
I shook my head, running my fingers frantically through my hair, glancing toward her front door. I didn't need this. The last thing I wanted was to be fighting with her over some bullshit that wasn't even that serious, going around and around when I had revisions to make!
"You need some time." I nodded once, tersely, "Well, since you and your fucking ex think it's such a good idea to catch up on old times, you've got it. As much time as you fucking want."
I gritted my teeth. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" My voice was low and serious, and I stared her in her eyes. She walked closer to me abruptly, and I was sure she would slap my face.
I glared at her, she glared at me, and all at once, I wanted to get as far away from her, this argument, and this situation as humanly possible. I felt around in my pocket for my house keys, glancing at her again, then stormed toward the door.
"Take all the time in the world you want, Jacob, but don't be so sure I'll still be sitting around waiting on you to man the fuck up and come back!"
Slam.
Well.
That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.
Then again, at least I still had all my appendages.
I sloped back to my apartment, and paced its length it about a hundred times. I thought about calling Emmett, but quickly ruled that out, citing his complete inability to give good advice, especially pertaining to relationships and women. I thought about calling Paul but, though he'd ever say it, I knew he'd be gloating about how right he had been about the whole situation. I hated that my choices were that predictable.
I needed to think but, of course, I couldn't really, because my brain was still on fire. I tugged on the roots of my hair, trying to – I dunno, yank the thoughts, and the words, and the screaming out of my skull. It didn't work.
After a long time, once the sun had set and I'd polished off a liter of soda with something a little stronger mixed in it, I found myself in my shower, for who knows how long. I let the water beat against my body, washing over my head, brain swimming in vodka. At least it dulled the aggravation, which was enough to make me crazy. She was enough to make me crazy.
I had to stop myself, at least three different times, from banging on her door and yelling at her a little more. There were so many words I didn't say, but god knows I didn't need to say them completely hammered. I was just so tired. So very tired.
Thankfully, the alcohol was helping with that, too. I forwent the clothes, and lay in my bed. My back was killing me, my shoulders were achy, and my head was pounding. I found my trusty bottle of aspirin and swallowed them with a good bit of water, to help the hangover I knew would arrive the next morning.
Then, after all the words, and yelling, and bullshit, I closed my eyes. But all I could see was her. All I could see was Bella...then Angela...then Bella, again, yelling at me, then Angela smiling a small, simple, truthful smile.
I saw Bella, once more, face flushed, eyes closed in ecstasy brought about by me and my hands, and my mouth, and a bunch of other parts of me, and I was even more confused. I wanted to stay angry with her, but my heart just wasn't in it, and neither was my brain. I blamed the alcohol.
Finally, I sipped the last of my drink and fumbled around for my iPod. I clicked around to the least whiny slow music I could find, drunkenly put my earbuds in, and then passed out. Tomorrow just had to be better than today. It couldn't get much worse.
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End A/N – Thanks again for reading. I should have the next chapter out soon, as it's already written. Thanks to Kay Cannon for betaing this, and all my work, and again, thank you for sticking with Jacob and Bella for this long. I love you guys.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot: The title of this chapter comes from a Maya Angelou quote about jealousy in relationships - "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening."
