Chapter 12 On sleepless roads

I sat there on the floor for what was probably only a few minutes but it really felt like a few hours, just staring at the front door and waiting for Alex to come back through it even though I knew he had driven away. But I couldn't help but think that it would change, the universe couldn't just let things end the way they had. Not when I had finally started opening up to the possibility that he and I could have a normal, loving relationship. Not when I was just started to get use to the idea of having someone love me the way he did. Not now when he and I had fought tooth and nail to get to this point over the course of two years, the universe wouldn't just be so cruel as to have Alex walk out on me after I made myself so vulnerable.

But that was exactly what happened.

And I as I sat up with the blanket falling from my shoulders and touched my fingers to my face, I was reminded of the tears that had just fallen and were still present there on my cheek. It was then that I was nearly knocked over by the overwhelming feeling of rejection and sadness and I had to immediately jump to my feet and hurry out of the hallway before I started crying again. I didn't want to be alone with this feeling, I felt so down and heavy that I worried about what I would do if I was left alone with just myself. Not that I thought I would automatically think to cut myself again, but I guess that would always be at the back of my mind for the rest of my life. And this was how it started the last time, I felt lower then I ever had been before and when I saw that razor it seemed like the only thing that could get rid of this feeling. I did not want a repeat of that, that was not how I wanted to deal with my pain.

I ran into the living room and after some searching I was able to find my shirt and pulled it on before reaching for my cell phone and hitting and old number that was always at the top of my contact lists right behind Alex and Chris. Jeff had always been there for me in the past and I knew he would be there for me now. It was late and he was probably just on his way home from the arena to be with his family and for a moment I wanted to hang up. Jeff didn't need to be burdened with my drama, he had dealt with it enough and he should have some time with his family. But I needed my family too and he was more of a father to me then my real dad was. I needed my family desperately and that's why I didn't hang up when I heard his voice come on the other line.

"Savannah? Are you alright?" It was the first thing Jeff said as soon as the lines connected and I knew immediately why that was. It was very rare when Jeff got a call from me this late at night and the last time he had it had been from Alex when the truth about the rape had come out. So I could understand why he would think to first ask me if I was ok. "What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"Um...yeah, I guess you could put it like that." I cringed at the way my voice wavered in and out, making me sound like I was chocking on water and I knew that would only up Jeff's already instilled concern for me. "Look I'm sorry to bother to. I know you're probably on your way home and I shouldn't be bugging you..."

"No, it's no problem. Don't even worry about it." Jeff had a tendency to shrug off this kind of thing even despite the late hour when he knew it was serious and that spoke wonders to his true nature. "Just talk to me and tell me what happened."

"It's just that...i thought I could prove myself wrong, you know? About Alex not wanting me. I thought that if I just pushed things along then he would give in to me." I had to suck in my lower lip as I felt it start to tremble as I spoke. I hated sounding like a weak little girl, I had avoided that feeling when I had forced my self to not deal with the rape and just pretend to be happy. But I couldn't pretend like my heart wasn't breaking right now, I couldn't ignore that Alex had ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it right in front of me. That cavernous feeling wouldn't leave me for a while. "And...he didn't. I was there, ready to give myself to him and he just didn't want it. And he walked out."

"That little shit, I could kill him." Jeff growled, sounding more like his on screen persona then his real life one and that only happened when he was seriously mad about something. It momentarily amazed me that he could work up that sort of level of anger for something happening to someone who wasn't one of his daughters. But as Jeff constantly reminded me, I was the only McMahon he actually liked and as far as he was concerned I was his daughter and not Vince's. And for just a second, that made me smile. Jeff would always fight like hell for me, that was a given. "Are you alone right now?"

"Yea, I just haven't gotten up the energy to go anywhere. But I do not want to stay in this house right now..."

"So come to my house." Jeff cut in, the idea obviously just hitting him and I could hear the sound of an engine turning off and a door opening and slamming shut. Jeff was home right now and back came that guilt I had for running to him with my problems. "You shouldn't be alone right now..."

"No I can't do that. You should be with your family, not dealing with my shit." I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. I knew how little time Jeff got to spend with his wife and kids and he shouldn't waste it on me. "I'll be fine, I promise. I just..."

"No, you are going to be coming over here or...or else you're fired." Jeff said with what I knew was a smirking tone in his voice. He obviously wasn't serious and it was more to just break up the tension, so I did appreciate it. "Are we clear? Get your ass over here right now. I'll tell Karen about it. She'll probably force feed you cake or something. She does that when the kids are upset."

"That's sweet, thank you." I smiled at the image, grateful that I was close to such good people who would jump up at the chance to help me when I needed it. "I'll be there in like 20 minutes or so. I just need to make one more call."

"Alright, I'll see you in a little bit. Love you, little girl." Jeff said before hanging up and leaving me in silence once more.

I held the phone in my hand and just sat on the couch for a second, feeling the heaviness of the empty house press in on me before I jumped up I headed towards the staircase. I would make the call when I got to my room, but first I needed to change. These clothes smelled too much like Alex.


5 minutes later

Chris was just getting ready to fall into the couch cushions for a night by himself when he heard the front door crash open and then slam shut. He looked over the back of the couch just in time to see Alex stomp through the hallway and toss his gym bag on the floor like the object had personally offended him and he was on the verge of asking his best friend what was wrong when he caught the look on Alex's face and stayed silent. He knew Alex so well by this point that when he came in with an expression like that, he could accurately predict what the reasoning was behind it. And there was only one thing that could irk him the way he was looking, only one thing that had been going on these last few weeks that stressed him out this much. Savannah.

"Damn it!" Alex exclaimed, hitting the wall in front of him with such force that Chris was brought out of his cloud of thoughts to see his best friend staring at him like he had just realized he was home and watching him. "Oh...you're here."

"Uh yea, its my house too. Now I would ask you what's going...Hold on." Chris held up his hand just as his cell phone started ringing and he leaned over to pull it out of his pocket. He saw Savannah's name flashing across the screen and he looked across the room back to Alex and raised his hand to his mouth to stay quiet as he picked up the call. "Hey Savannah, what's up?"

"Um...nothing really." She replied, sounding anything less then fine as her voice wavered like it always did when she was majorly upset. Chris looked at Alex, whose eyes had grown wide when he heard his girlfriend's name and looked like he wanted to slip out of the room but Chris shook his head, having a feeling that he needed to stay. "Uh Chris, are you alone? Alex isn't there is he? Cause I really need to talk to you privately."

"No, no he is definitely not here." Chris frowned as the lie slipped from his mouth and he pulled the phone away from his ear to put it on speakerphone so Alex could hear the conversation too. Something just told him that this needed to happen and even though Alex looked uncomfortable, he moved closer to the phone as Chris spoke again. "Why? What happened? Did you guys fight again?"

"It wasn't so much of a fight as it was a...rejection of sorts." Her voice wavered again but she didn't cry. Chris glanced at Alex who was looking very stony faced and uncomfortable, a look he always wore when he had done something wrong. "Remember when I said he wouldn't touch me anymore since I told you guys about the rape?"

"Yea, I remember." Chris frowned again, reliving the conversation in his head just as a sinking feeling hit him in the stomach. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well I thought maybe it was all in my head and that if I maybe I forced it a little then he would give in. But not only did he not do that, but he walked out on me. I threw myself at him like a pathetic piece of shit and he basically was like 'thanks but no thanks.' And he left and I have just been sitting here since." She explained, her response filling Chris up with more anger then he thought he was capable of. He shot his eyes towards Alex who had turned away but not before he could see the look of shame and guilt that filled his eyes. Chris wanted to reach out and punch him, but then Savannah would know Alex was there and he didn't want to add more pain to her night. He turned off the speakerphone just as she spoke again. "Look, I just wanted to call you and tell you what was going on in case he came home and was in a bad mood. And also to let you know that I won't be at my house if he decides to come back, I just didn't want you to worry."

"Where are you going?" Chris questioned, his fingers running through his short hair so he wouldn't accidentally reach out and punch Alex in the neck for his stupidity. "You're not like skipping town are you?"

"No, of course not. I'm going to Jeff's for a little bit and then I might be home." She sounded sad, and nothing like the high spirited girl she had been before any of this happened and it made him sad for her. "Bye Chris, thanks for listening."

"Any time. Feel better." He muttered before flipping his phone shut and tossing it down onto the table in front of the couch before getting to his feet to face Alex who was still half way turned away from him. It took everything in Chris's patience not to march over and tackle him to the ground. Yes Alex was his best friend, but so was Savannah and Alex had hurt her and he wanted to know why. "You want to say anything about this?"

"Not really." Alex shot back almost sarcastically, but there was a certain edge to his voice that said he was feeling guilty already without the added pressure from Chris. "I obviously messed up..."

"That is a major fucking understatement. So you better explain to me why you did this." Chris managed to maintain his cool, something he had perfected over the years from dealing with all the quirks of his best friend's personality. And had Savannah not been part of the picture then Chris would have let this go as nothing more then another one of Alex's weird behaviors. But Savannah was in their group and she meant as much to him as Alex did and he couldn't bear the thought of her being in pain without trying to help. He looked at Alex, still turned away and narrowed his eyes. "What? You're not going to say anything?"

"You'll just throw a fit at me if I do." Alex sighed, turning around with his hands tucked under his arms. "I know I was in the wrong ok? I know that..."

"But I want to hear you say it." Chris cut back in, not about to let Alex off the hook so easily. He had done that too many times in the past and this had to change. Alex was use to getting his way when he dug his heels in too deeply and it was usually only Chris who could stand up to him. "Ok, are you going to explain your behavior on your own terms? Or am I going to have to beat it out of you? Your choice."

"I fucked up ok? I walked out on her when she was already to give herself to me and I know that wasn't right of me to do. I know that, ok? I know I was an asshole, but I couldn't help it." Alex snapped, his eyes flaring up with pent up frustration that Chris had a feeling needed to be let out more so now then at any time before. Alex looked like he wanted to tear his own hair out, he was that on edge. "I was scared ok?"

""Oh yea, it's so terrifying when your beautiful and kind girlfriend wants to have sex with you. That's just so damn scary." Chris rolled his eyes, not seeing what the problem was but then again Alex never gave a straight answer when he was upset. It was like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking too much and then not at all." Alex admitted, his shoulders sinking low for a moment as their eyes met and despite the tightness in his face, Alex's eyes held the true extent of his misery. "Look, I was scared that if I allowed myself to be the way I use to be with her before I knew about the rape, then it would make her remember it more then she already does. I was scared that if I was affectionate towards her, then it might scare her now that the truth was out and I didn't want to scare her..."

"So you walked away to protect her in your own way." Chris finished for him, nodding his head in understanding. It made sense now. Only Savannah had to think about the rape and she could push it aside and control how much she thought about it and then go on with her life. But now that they knew, she couldn't control their feelings about it or how Alex might try and protect her in his own weird way. It did make sense but no one liked rejection and for a victim like Savannah to put herself out there only top be shot down was like getting slapped in the face. He glared at Alex. "I get that you were only trying to do what you thought was right, but pushing her away won't make her feel better either."

"I know, it occurred to me that walking out on her was worse but I never stopped to think about that until I was already in the car." Alex sighed, covering his face with his hands and groaning heavily out of shame and regret. He wasn't a bad guy and he didn't purposely set out to hurt Savannah. But it didn't change the fact that he did and now he had to fix it. Alex looked up with a grimace. "Do you think she'll hate me forever."

"Not forever...a couple of years maybe, but not forever."


20 minutes later

"Well look who finally decided to show up." Jeff's voice greeted me before I even made it half way up the walkway to his front door but when I looked up to see his face beaming at me from the front porch, I couldn't help but smile in return. And that in itself was a hard thing to do since I was still feeling so hurt and tormented over Alex's rejection and more then once on the drive here I just wanted to turn around and come home. But I knew I needed to be around other people, so I had forced myself to drive over to his house and now that I was standing before him, I was glad I had come. When I was within reaching distance, Jeff closed the space between us by pulling me into his embrace with one arm while bringing me into the house and closing the door behind us with the other. He hugged me fully, not saying a word for a few seconds and just allowed me to bask in the comfort of his arms like he knew I needed to. I wouldn't have come here if I didn't need this and I was grateful once again for having Jeff in my life. When he pulled away, he tucked my hair behind my ears and asked. "So it's probably stupid of me to ask,but how are you feeling?"

"Like shit." I grumbled, rubbing my fingers into the sides of my head before slapping my hands across my mouth. "Oh man, I shouldn't have said that, what if one of the girls had walked in and repeated that?"

"It's ok, they're all asleep. And even if they weren't, they know the punishment for cursing." He assured me with that paternal grin of his as he motioned me to follow him into the living room to sit down. I had been in Jeff's house plenty of times before and knew the way through the expansive house like it was my own. I dropped down on to one of the dark brown leather couches with a sigh as he sat down next to me with his elbow on the back of it. "But since I consider you one of my kids, I can punish you for cursing."

"Now you're sounding like a father, that's just what I needed to hear." I said with a small smile, feeling some of the ache in my chest lessen as I ran my fingers through my hair while I said thoughtfully. "I would never be able to go to my dad about this kind of stuff. If it wasn't about the business then it would be just one big ball of awkwardness."

"I think you're exaggerating but ok." Jeff let it go as he usually did when any mention of my father came up. "I'm just glad you came here. I would have hated to think of you being alone when you're upset."

"I just didn't know where else to go. If I went to hang out with Chris then Alex could have walked in and I don't want to face him just yet. And I'm not close with anyone else besides you." I shrugged, hating my lack of close friends here in Orlando. But I was just one of those people who kept a few choice group of friends close to me and that's all I needed. At least up until now, on a night like this I was wishing I was closer to more people. I looked at Jeff and sighed. "I'm so pathetic."

"No you're not, you're just very selective when it comes to letting people in. It takes you a while to trust and when it happens, you hold on to those people tightly. That's why it hurts so much when they do something to upset you." He explained, reaching over to pat my hand when I felt my face contort like I was going to tear up. "It's the same thing with me. And when I see someone close to me get hurt, it makes me want to hurt the person who hurt them."

"Now you can't do that Jeffery." The cool sounding voice of Jeff's wife came around the corner of the doorway and both he and I turned our heads to see Karen entering the room with a small smile on her face as she came over to kiss Jeff quickly on the lips before sitting on the arm of the couch with her eyes on me. "How are you doing Savannah?"

"I'm ok." I sent her a smile, knowing she wasn't just referring to the reason why I was here right now but also because of my secret that I knew Jeff had told her about. I didn't mind that because she was his wife and I knew her well enough to know she wouldn't talk about it with anyone. "I'm sorry for showing up here..."

"Jeff said you would say that so just stop it. You know you're always welcome here." She cut in in the same way he would have and shook her head vehemently at me before saying. "I just made a pot of coffee, why don't you come to the kitchen with me.."

"Yea, good idea. You girls talk while I make a phone call." Jeff stated with a knowing expression in his eyes and I just knew that meant he was going to call Alex up and yell at him. But I didn't really care at this point and just got up to follow Karen in to the kitchen. As I was passing by Jeff, he grabbed my wrist and with a smirk said. "Remember that I warned you she might force feed you cake..."

"Hey I heard that." Karen snapped before tugging me away.


35 minutes later

"Men are stupid."

"What?" I looked up from my half filled cup of coffee at Karen's announcement and felt the corners of my mouth start to tip upward at the expression on her face. It was a sort of quiet determination in her features that said she was fiercely trying her hardest to do and say anything to cheer me up and this was what she had come up with. It was sort of funny considering we had been sitting here at the kitchen table for the past 30 minutes without really saying much at all. I had tried to talk about Alex but every time I did I felt myself getting chocked up and I had to stop. So a lot of the time we had these semi-awkward moments of silence and I suppose she was just trying to get rid of them by saying something outrageous. "That was sort of random."

"Maybe a little but you sort of have to admit that I have a point." She said knowing, drinking the last of her coffee and refilling her cup as well as mine as she spoke. "I mean, you came here because of your problems with Alex and after Jeff explained it to me, it doesn't make sense why he would do this. Case in point my statement of men being stupid."

"Alex is not stupid, he's crazy and outrageous but not stupid." I shook my head, trying to fight the smile that was threatening to take over when I thought of his more charming qualities. I loved that Alex wasn't like any other guy. I loved that he had this limitless energy and this quirky sense of humor. He was different and he kept me on my toes. But that didn't mean he didn't have his faults and this was one of them. "But you're right, what he did was stupid. And even if he has a good reason, it doesn't excuse what he did."

"I don't think he reacted like that to hurt you. Alex's crazy about you, any one can see it. He just made a serious error in judgment." Karen pointed out with her eyebrows raised as she took a sip of coffee. I didn't know her that well but I was glad that she was here trying to offer me her own brand of comfort. Sometimes a person didn't always need the hugging type of comfort, sometimes all it took was someone not so close to you saying something out of left field that got through to you. "You're not a little girl despite how Jeff sees you, you know how men are. And as women, we need to remember that guys act and react weirdly for reasons that don't always make sense."

"Yea, I'll try to remember that the next time Alex does something hurtful." I sighed, leaning back in my seat with my fingers combing through my hair. "It's just been rough on me, on him. I don't think he can handle this. This wasn't what he signed up for when got involved with me..."

"No relationship is perfect and even if it starts out pretty well, it rarely tends to stay that way. Every couple has their ups and downs." Jeff spoke up from the doorway, gaining both of our focus when he walked across the white tiled floor to come sit by his wife, his hand immediately reaching over to take hers. It reminded me of how Alex use to do the same thing. "Yes Alex didn't see this coming and it will take time to get use to and strike a balance but it will settle down eventually. He just has to realize pushing you away is not the way to deal with it. And trust me when I say that he will understand that."

"You called him didn't you?" I asked, rolling my eyes when Jeff's face went guilty but I found that I wasn't mad about it at all. In fact, at the back of my mind I should have expected he would do just that. And when Karen and I had been talking, I could just pick up the muffled sounds of Jeff's raised voice a few rooms over. He must have been giving Alex a piece of his mind. "And you yelled at him, didn't you?"

"He hurt your feelings, and if I can't kill him then the least I can do is yell at the little punk." Jeff frowned, but both Karen and I smiled at the tone he used as he was obviously still in that parental mode judging by what he said next. "And I don't know what he's thinking because I didn't let him really talk, but if you don't want to go back to your house then you are more then welcome to stay here..."

"No, that's too much of an offer and I can't accept it. It's sweet of you guys to be that kind but I'm a big girl, I don't need to be hiding out at someone's house. So thank you but no thanks." I had to smile at their generosity, not expecting anything less from them. Karen was just as nice and gracious as Jeff was and I knew I always had them to lean on if I needed it. But staying overnight at their house when they had their kids there was just too much. I wouldn't intrude on them like that. I looked at both their faces and stood up. "Actually I'm getting kind of tired, so I think I might..."

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye because the three of us heard the front door open and close before a set of heavy footsteps came towards the kitchen. It obviously wasn't an intruder since this person knew exactly where to go but it still made me tense up when the figure rounded the corner and came into view and of course it ended up being Alex that stood there before us. Why wouldn't it be Alex? As if the universe wasn't mean enough, it had to send him here to Jeff's house for what I knew was going to be a confrontation and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen in Jeff's house.

"I told you not to show up here." Jeff said warningly, eying Alex with a glare even though he had to have known that Alex would come over after he had spoken to him on the phone. But it didn't stop Jeff from being annoyed. "Look this isn't the..."

"It's ok Jeff, it's not a big deal." I assured the protective looking man across the table from me. I shot him a look to show I could handle it even though I just wanted to fall apart on the inside but I held it together. I couldn't lose my shit in Jeff's house even though I didn't want to be facing Alex this soon after his rejection. It took all I had I force myself to walk across the room toward him. "What do you want?"

"We need to talk. Like seriously talk." He said in a low voice, his hands raising like he wanted to grab me away but he held back, probably sensing that I didn't want him to touch me right now. "Can we go outside or something?"

"Jeff, Karen? I'm leaving, thanks for everything." I called over my shoulder at them and waved before walking past Alex towards the door and I could hear him following practically at my heels. I didn't say anything to him until we were both outside and had the door closed behind us. "I'm not talking to you here, meet me back at the house."

"Savannah I'm sorr..." Alex began to say but I covered his mouth with my hand to cut him off.

"At the house." I repeated, taking back my hand with a shake of my head and then headed to my car, not knowing how this was going to end.


Back at the house

"I don't know how many times I have to say I'm sorry to get you to forgive me and you're probably sick of hearing it, but I really am sorry..."

I sat back against the cushions of my couch with my arms crossed over me and my eyes following Alex as he paced back and forth across the carpet in front of me, apologizing over and over again for his actions earlier tonight and as much as I didn't want to hear it I just let him go on as he had been doing since we came back to my house. I was unsure of whether I could handle facing him alone after what he did but nonetheless I allowed him to sit me down while he went off on a wild tangent of different ways to say he was sorry. And while I was amused slightly at the dozen of words he was able to come up with, I still wasn't satisfied since I still didn't understand why he had done it in the first place and he had yet to give it. He must have realized I was losing my patience because he stopped apologizing and sat down on the couch next to me, with his arm stretched out across the back of it like he wanted to be able to grab me quick if he chose to.

"Ok, I should have probably talked to you about this a long time ago but I was too chicken to admit to it and now it all dissolved into shit and I'm trying to fix it. And I guess I should have done that rather then walk out on you." He said, looking uncomfortable as he always did when it came to discussing his feelings even to me but with out encounter earlier, this was all the more hard for him. And I couldn't help but take a little pity on him for that. He settled me with a stare so intense, but not as intense as what he said. "I was scared."

"You were scared?" I asked, frowning at his words and feeling more confused then I was before he started talking. "You were scared of having sex with me?"

"No, no it wasn't like that at all. Trust me, I wanted to have sex with you. A lot more then I showed you before." He pressed his lips together tightly but I could see the smallest traces of a smirk there. "I was scared of scaring you."

"I don't understand." I was getting more puzzled by the second. Alex was scared of scaring me? What was that suppose to mean? What was he worried about scaring me? I looked at him fully for the first time since we entered the house and said. "I was the one trying to initiate it, so I don't understand how you think that you would be scaring me."

"I'm just going to be completely honest here. The reason I haven't wanted to be intimate with you was not because I didn't want you or wasn't attracted to you. It was because I was terrified of making you remember the rape. I thought that being the same way I was with you before you told me was going to make you think of the rape even more then you already do. I didn't want to put you through that." He explained in a low voice, his words slicing through me like cold knives and something about his tone hit a nerve inside of me and I felt my eyes water up for the second time that night in his presence. Alex moved closer to me, the first time he had voluntarily done that since I let my secret out and I felt his hands reach out to unfold my arms so he could take my hands. "Savannah, you have no idea how much I want you every day and night of my life. But you've been hurt so badly and in ways that I can't heal you from. I wasn't going to be selfish by behaving like my old self now that you were finally being honest about what was wrong."

"I get that, I really do. But you should have just told me that, not pushed me away." I had to swallow back the tears that threatened to spill over as I looked into his eyes. I wasn't going to lie, I was touched that he would worry that deeply about me. And it did make a lot of sense, Alex had always been sensitive to what bothered me and it guess it was only natural to assume the act of sex would bother me after talking about the rape for the first time in years. I allowed him to keep holding on to me but I wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily. "I opened myself up to you, I made myself vulnerable to the deepest degree and that was something I haven't done since the rape. I wanted to be with you and you just pushing me away like that was like you saying that you didn't want me any more. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me?"

"I know, I know. And I'm a sorry..."

"I'm not done yet, this needs to all come out in the open so we have our cards straight. And I want to be clear with you, sex with you has never reminded me of the rape. Not once in the all the times we have been together over the past 2 years have I ever thought about it when we slept together. If anything, it made me happy. And that was not something I thought was possible after the rape, but it was with you. You made me happy..." I felt the first of the tears roll down from my eyes but instead of wiping them away, Alex just pulled my into his lap and wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his shoulder. I missed having him hold me like this, comforting me with his embrace as I cried. It hadn't happened in so long and I was reminded of that fact now as we sat locked together in each others arms. "Alex, sex with you has always been one of the things that has kept me going this long, and in some ways it has even healed me. But mostly it has made me forget just for a few hours during those times that I was raped, I felt normal when I was with you. And it proved that not every guy was like Randy, that you would never hurt me the way he did. But then you make me feel almost as horrible as he did that night when you walked away from me..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I never wanted to make you feel like that. I thought I was doing the right thing but I guess I was really mistaken." He answered back in a near whisper, his voice tickling my ear and blowing my hair back as I pulled away to look at him in the eye and he brought his hand to my face and asked me pleadingly. "What can I do? Tell me what yo need from me to make this right..."

"I need to be close to you like before so I know thing won't change." I replied through a heavy sigh that I could no longer hold back. It was crazy to say that because things had changed. How could they not after what I revealed? But I didn't want them to change anymore then they had. I touched my fingers to his hand that was still on my face. "If I didn't want that or I was afraid to be close to you then I wouldn't try and have sex with you. I don't want distance with you, I'm trying to hold on to for dear life but I need you to want me still..."

"Trust me, I want you. I will always want you." He whispered, grabbing my chin in his hand and bringing his lips against mine before I felt him press me against the couch cushions with his hands at the hem of my shirt...

60 minutes later

"Are you scared at all?" Alex asked me an hour later as we laid naked under the blanket on the couch with my cheek against his bare chest and his fingers lightly tracing the curvature of my spine as I laid against him in happy contentment. Alex had given in to me just like I had been wanting him to do for weeks now and even though it wasn't the same lovemaking that we were use to, it still fulfilled me with an empowering feeling that I drank up like the most delicious wine. He was more gentle then I was use to, treating my body as if it were our first time together and I was a virgin. It was sweet and nice and even though it wasn't like before, I knew it was a start. The past hour had been about reconnecting with each other and reconnect we did. I couldn't be happier, so when Alex asked me what I was scared of, I propped my chin up on his chest to look at him as he went on. "I mean, I told you what I was scared of and I just wanted to know what you were scared of."

"Well besides the obvious of ever coming into contact with Randy Orton again, I have to say my biggest fear would be not being with you." I answered honestly, sitting up as best as I could with my legs draped over his body and the blanket edges tucked under my arms. "I know this wasn't what you thought you would have to deal with when you got involved with me and it was a lot harder to take on then I think any of us thought. And the truth is it will probably get harder at times and that will take a toll on both of us. And I guess what I'm saying is that I know that. So if you want an out, then I ask that you take it now..."

"You're saying that if I can't handle this then we should just end it now?" Alex frowned like the thought had never even occurred to him until I said and he too sat up, his hands coming over to cup my crossed knees. "If I couldn't handle it then I would have walked away a long time ago. But I didn't and even though I don't always react well, I will get better at figuring our how to deal."

"I'm just saying if you're ever thinking that this is too much then I would rather you leave now instead of waiting 6 months down the road to do it. Prolonging it would just make it hurt more..."I squeezed my eyes shut because the thought of not having Alex in my life the way he was now was just too much to bear. But at least if I knew it now then I could get over over rather then having him stay only to find out he didn't really want to be with me. "I don't want you to force yourself to stay with me because you feel like you have to..."

"I'm with you because I want to be, not because I feel obligated. I want to be with you, I always have and I always will. And just because I mess up and do stupid things from time to time, it doesn't change the fact that I want you. I will never walk away no matter what gets thrown in front of us. Do you understand me?" Alex's hand brushed against my face and I opened my eyes to find his face nearly against mine as he took me in his arms again and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "I love you and I'm not ever going to leave you. You're stuck with me forever so deal with it."

"You're such a goofball." I laughed for what felt like the first time in forever as I laid my forehead against his and held on to him tightly. "Do you think we can move on from this and try to be happy?"

"It's possible if we make a pact to be honest from now on." He nodded, his lips brushing against my nose as he spoke. "And by dealing with our problems, not avoiding them."

"What do you mean?"

"We've both been avoiding things and that's why our relationship hasn't been going smoothly for a long time. I've been avoiding sex with you and voiding explaining why. That was my mistake." He explained, kissing me one last time before laying against the arm of the couch with his hands behind his head. "And you've been avoiding dealing with the rape since it happened, even after you told us, you still did nothing and that was your mistake. I confronted my avoidance and now you have to do the same. So you actually have a shot at being happy."

"And how am I suppose to do that?" I asked, running my hands through my messy hair and looked at him even though I had a feeling I knew what the answer would be.

"Well to start with...You need to tell your family."

A/N: Man this chapter was tough to right but it was also one of my favorites. Now the crisis has passed and they are back on the same page and i will tell you that the next chapter is just awesome because it is more light-hearted then anything else in this fic. And its hilarious. PLease review!