Memoirs: Bane's Story
Special Features Menu
Deleted Scenes: Two short scenes that I considered putting in, but couldn't find a place for them to fit.
Bloopers: The Bane stared at his severed tail, "No. No! NO! My avocados!!" CUT!
Making of Memoirs: An interview with the director. Includes 'The Voices of Bane'
Scourge of the Underland: An interview with the star of Memoirs.
Deleted Scenes. -Note: Deleted Scenes are rough copies only, not published quality.-
1. The Argument
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Pearlpelt...
The whisper pierced my sleeping mind like a scream, and I jerked awake. "Go away," I told him aloud, automatically knowing that it was the voice and not someone around me.
That's not very nice you know. He almost sounded annoyed, which was odd for him, he very rarely showed any true emotion.
"I don't care," I snapped aloud, "Leave me alone!" I never feel right talking to him in my mind, I hear him as if he was right next to me, and it's strange speaking in my head.
I think I'll stay. Besides, you need me. His voice was back to the cool conversational tone he uses.
I let out a bark of laughter and announced, "Ha. I'm the Bane. I don't need you, or anyone else."
That was a mistake, I suppose. For when I next heard his words they were snarled and angry. Fool! You aren't the Bane! I am. You're just a pawn. A helpless little puppet. You are a mouth and a body that I use whenever I please.
"That's not true," I insisted.
Oh, but it is. You're being used. You always have been, and you always will be. Gone was the furious growl, replaced by the sibilant hiss that haunted my dreams.
"Be quiet, leave me alone! I hate you, I can't stand the sound of your voice." I commanded.
Despite my announcement he continued, You see, this is where we hit a disagreement. This wretched thing called free will, you seem to be laboring under the delusion that you have it. You are mine. Body, mind, and soul.
"Shut up!" I shouted furiously. I just wanted him to be quiet...at least for tonight. I was so tired...
Pearlpelt, Pearlpelt, Pearlpelt. He sounded almost kind, but I knew he was just trying to manipulate me. You have only to gain from this you know.
I wasn't fooled. "You're lying."
Do you think you can kill the Warrior all by your self then? He challenged. Then added derisively, You are barely more than a pup.
"You don't know me," I told him firmly. "I'm strong. Twirltongue says I'm strong. I can kill."
Oh, I have no doubt about that. You are, after all, a murderer
"No...don't talk about that!" I couldn't stand being reminded of Razor's death...or my part in it.
He knew I hated hearing about that. He knew, and he used it against me. Poor Razor, murdered by the very pup he raised...it must have come as quite a shock when you attacked him.
"He fell!" I insisted, "He fell off a cliff. It was an accident."
Of course it was. It's an accident that the only person ever to care for your wretched carcass is dead. His low voice was cruelly insinuating.
With a quiet sob I curled into a ball as if it could keep me safe from the voice I was hearing, "Go away," I moaned. "Get out of my head and leave me alone..."
I'm afraid I'm here to stay. You should be grateful. Incapable as you are of true rage and hate, you would never get the gnawers to accept you as king without me.
"Twirltongue says I am king," I protested quietly. I shouldn't have done it, I should have known that he would twist my words around.
Oh yes, of course you are. Which is why in your mind you are my slave, and you are her slave in the physical world.
"You're a liar!" I snarled, angry at what he had said about Twirltongue. "And I'm not listening to you any more!"
He wasn't impressed, But you will, Pearlpelt, and you cannot forget what I told you.
"What do you mean?" I asked my voice shaking.
I mean that in the dead of night, when all is still and silent, and you are alone, you will remember my words and repeat them over and over in your head. You will do this until you realize that I am right. I curled up tighter, trying desperately to distract myself from he was going to say next. I didn't know what it was, but I was filled with a sense of foreboding and dread.
You're such a silly ineffectual creature. Very soon I will have you all to myself. Who knows, you may even give in willingly.
With that he was gone, and I was left alone. I knew he was right, no matter how many times I said he was lying, and that was why I was so afraid.
"Bane?" It was Twirltongue, I knew as soon as she spoke. She hurried over to me, curled in a ball of misery. "Bane, my dear, what is the matter?"
"Please, Twirltongue," I begged, burying my face in her warm silver fur, "Make him be quiet. I can't listen to him any more. Make him go away." We sat like that for a long time, and I cried into her pelt as she stroked me and murmured comforting words. Eventually I fell asleep, but my last thought before I drifted into oblivion was that I would have to listen to him tomorrow night.
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2. What Would You Say If...?
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Twirltongue stared hard at me. She had a look on her face that was something between utter confusion and blank disbelief. For the past ten minutes I had been leading her through a maze of hypothetical what-if situations in an attempt to admit something that's been weighing on my mind for ages.
"Bane," she finally said, "I must honestly say that I have no idea what you have been talking about. So, why don't we start over and you can tell me what's bothering you."
I shifted, and I knew I had to look uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to how I felt. "Um...remember that prisoner?"
Twirltongue gave me an exasperated look, "Which one? We have a lot of prisoners."
"The female with the hurt nose," I clarified, not wanting to say her name.
"Twitchtip," Twirltongue supplied.
"Yeah, her."
"What about her?"
I cast around for a good excuse to talk about her, "I was just wondering what was she in the pit for?"
Twirltongue assumed a patient air, "Treason. She was sent to kill you."
"Oh." I said blankly. "What would happen if she was let out?"
"She can't. But hypothetically we would find her and either kill her or put her under heavier guard."
"What if the guard let her out?"
Finally Twirltongue's seemingly infinite patience gave out, "They would be killed of course. And very painfully. Now, if that is all, I have to meet with the officers to discuss matters of war."
"Ok..." I looked guilty. "I'm sorry..."
I waited until she was out of sight before I let my worry show. I knew it had been a mistake...I scurried over to the wall that was used to transmit messages in the Code of Claw.
SVHSBGSHO.
CHEC.
HM. OHS.
After all...I was rather fond of being alive...and not in pain.
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Bloopers.
Chapter 1.
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Snare: The Bane is not getting food!
Bane: It's ok...
Snare: No it's not. I'm going to have to kill the other pups. Even though there's not really a reason. I'm just a jerk.
Bane: But...I'm not hungry...seriously. Mum got be a Happy Meal.
Snare:...oh. Ya, still killing them.
Goldshard: -glares- Step off fool!
Bane and Snare: wtf?
--
Chapter 2.
--
Gregor: So what are we going to do?
Ares: It's the Bane...
Gregor: Stop stating the obvious...
Bane: -smells the chocolate- oooh food...
Gregor: Really though I have problems with killing a baby-- OW!
Ares: What happened?
Gregor: The little bastard bit me!
Bane: -pout- I wanted the yummy stuff...
Ares: Still have problems?
Gregor: -stares at his bleeding hand- Not really.
CUT!
Aria: Touch him and die.
Gregor: He's not even the Bane! Just a stunt double...
Aria: Oh ya...but really, if we lose any more mice we're going over budget.
--
Bane: -runs out the tunnel- Ma-maa!
Goldshard: So, I was like, oh no you di-in't.
Snare: Ya, I totally understand...
Bane: ??
Third rat: What? I'm not important enough for a name?!
Goldshard: Oh ya...I was supposed to be dead. Can we do it again?
--
Bane: -runs out of the tunnel- Ma-maa! -curls up-
Goldshard: -sneezes-
Snare: What now?
Goldshard:...I'm allergic to mice.
--
Gregor: -drops Bane out of his shirt-
Ripred: Oh not this thing again... -kills Bane-
Gregor: Wtf?! You're just supposed to hiss at him!
Ripred: You want another war?
CUT!
Aria: That was a mouse, idiot.
Ripred: SILENCE MORTAL!!
--
Chapter 3.
--
Bane: -goes to catch snake-
Snake: Not this again...
Bane: RAWR!!
Snakes: -chase Bane-
Bane: Aaaah!
Razor: j00 jst g0t PWN3D n00B!!
--
Chapter 4.
--
Bane: -sits by cliff-
Twirltongue: -dramatic entrance- You'll fall in if you're not careful.
Bane: OMR!! -falls-
Twirltongue: -sigh- Alright, these people are just stupid...and I'm used to dealing with the real Bane.
Pearlpelt: Hey!!
--
Twirltongue: I am Twirltongue...listen to me lead you to your doom.
Bane: -hypnotized-
Sheep: -stampede-
Twirltongue: WTF?? They're ruining my evil moment!
Bane: SHEEPS!!
CUT!
Aria: Hey! exploding sheep!
Twirltongue: Exploding?
Bane: Sheep?
Sheep: -explode-
Aria: Pwnt. New stunt double!
--
Bane, Twirltongue, and the two Igors in her cave.
Twirltongue: This is the Bane. Corrupt him.
Reekwell: Yesssss Maaaaassster.
Bane: -blinks-
Random Fan: DIE TWIRLTONGUE!! It was your fault!!
Real TUC Fan: What's your problem?!
Fan Who Has No Comprehension: lyk omg noob it ws the baine's falt. he wuz ebil and stuffs.
CUT!
Aria: This is a closed set!
Twirltongue: Seriously, am I EVER going to get my evil moment?
Aria: Pearlpelt, be a love and kill those two.
Real TUC Fan: -smirk- Cool I get to live .
--
Chapter 5.
--
Razor: So...we're going to talk about girls.
Bane: Oh! Oh! I know what happens now!
Razor: What?
Bane: You're going to talk about the shiner and the flier!
Razor: That's physically impossible and disgusting...
Bane: So we don't get any sexy music?
Razor: ARIA!!
Aria: I didn't do it! I blame Twirltongue!
--
Razor: You suck.
Twirltongue: You swallow.
Razor: Touche...
--
Chapter 6.
--
Ripred: -finds Pearlpelt and Razor- OMG!!
Bane: What?
Ripred: What happened to him?!
Bane: He's sleeping.
Ripred: There's blood all over him!
Bane: So? He's bleeding in his sleep. People do that all the time.
Ripred: -blinks- Only the real Pearlpelt could say something like that...
Aria: Ya, well, the storyline outgrew mice. That's the genuine Bane. That's movie magic, people.
Ripred: Is that really Razor?
Aria: pssh no.
Ripred: Thank Me...
Aria: That's one of those exploding sheep.
Sheep/Razor: -explodes-
--
Chapter 7
--
Gregor: So what do you like to be called?
Pearlpelt: Well, I'd like to be called supreme ruler of the universe, but I don't see that happening....yet.
Gregor: um...
--
Pearlpelt: -starts sniffling-
Aria: -hisses from the side- You're not supposed to cry yet!
Pearlpelt: I miss that cupcake!!
Ripred: -blank stare-
--
Twirltongue: -dramatically- It is time for war!
Pearlpelt: Do we have to go now? I want to watch the Scary Monkey Show!
Twirltongue: Aria!!
Aria: I'm sorry! He was bored and it was either Invader Zim or the Notebook!
Everyone: -stares at Aria-
Ripred: -snickers- You have the Notebook?!
Aria: No! Of course not!
Pearlpelt: Behind every great love is a great story.
Aria: -blushes- I'm just going to go now...
--
Chapter 8.
--
Ripred: -is in a pit-
Pearlpelt: Gloat gloat blah blah
Ripred: You know I could get out of here if I wanted to.
Pearlpelt: Ya, right.
Ripred: Ya, I can. Here, I'll show you.
Pearlpelt: -leans in- How?
Ripred: Lean closer.
Pearlpelt: -leans closer-
Ripred: Closer...closer...closer...
Pearlpelt: -tumbles in- Oh shit.
Ripred: -grin-
--
Random Soldier: Um...the Warrior got away...
Pearlpelt: ...
Random Soldier: Uh...ya...I'll just go then.
Terrormaw: So...are you going to do anything?
Pearlpelt: Be quiet.
Terrormaw: Is...is that a controller? WTF are you doing in there?!
Pearlpelt: -hunches over- Nothing...
Terrormaw: You're playing Halo! WTF?!
Pearlpelt: It's Halo 3 noob.
Terrormaw: We're in the middle of a war here, HELLO!
Pearlpelt: SILENCE!! Get me a sammich woman!
--
Chapter 9.
--
Pearlpelt: -stares at tail- My avocados!!
Gregor: Uh...
Pearlpelt: I was making guacamole!!
Gregor: O.O
Pearlpelt: RAAAAAAAAWR!!
Gregor: -screams like a school girl- Ares!!
Pearlpelt: What am I going to put with my taquitos now?!
--
Pearlpelt: 's goin' 'roun 'n' 'round...
Twirltongue: What happened to him?
Thalia: -randomly swoops in- GIMME BACK MY PILLZ!
Nike: The Pillz what Killz!!
Aria: -bursts out laughing-
--
Terrormaw: Ok in this cave...
Pearlpelt: Is this the sex scene?
Terrormaw: What?!
Pearlpelt: Aria said--
Terrormaw: ARIA!!
Aria: Ya, Pearlpelt, the sex scene was a while ago. Don't you remember?
Pearlpelt: Um no...
Terrormaw:... eep?
--
Chapter 10
--
Pearlpelt: What happened to Twirltongue?
Gregor: You killed her.
Pearlpelt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Gregor: Dammit Bane! This isn't the third Star Wars movie!
Aria: Ya, Temp isn't even here...
Ripred: Hey now...Yoda is freaking awesome. He's like a little midget rager guy...
--
Ares: -swoops in to let Gregor attack Bane-
Pearlpelt: RAAAWR!!
Aria: -uses pwnful authoress powers to smoosh their faces together- BOY LUFFINSSSS!! -fangirl squee-
Ares: DAMMIT ARIA STOP FANGIRLING US!!
Aria: NEVUR!! -giggles-
Pearlpelt: Truce?
Ares: Definitely.
Both of them: -glare at Aria- RAAAWRRR
Aria: MEEP! -runs away- It was SOOOO worth it!
--
Gregor: Ok, Bane, this is your last chance.
Pearlpelt: I move for no man.
Gregor: So be it.
Ripred: Oh damn I see where this is going...
Gregor: -slices off his foreleg- Now stand aside.
Pearlpelt: Tis but a scratch.
Gregor: A scratch?! You arm's off!
Pearlpelt: No it isn't!
Gregor: -points- Well what's that then?
Pearlpelt: I've had worse.
Gregor: You liar!
Pearlpelt: Come on then you pansy! -attacks-
Gregor: -slices his other foreleg off- Victory is mine!
Pearlpelt:-kicks him- Come on then! -kicks him again-
Gregor: What?
Pearlpelt: Have at you! -kicks him-
Gregor: Dammit! Piss off!
Pearlpelt: Oohh, had enough, eh?
Gregor: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Pearlpelt: Yes I have.
Gregor: Look!
Pearlpelt: Just a flesh wound.
Aria: -falls down laughing-
Twirltongue: Aren't you supposed to be directing this thing?
Aria: OM NOM NOM!!
Twirltongue: Oh screw this.
--
Now everyone take a bow!!
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Making of Memoirs.
Interview With Aria
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Int: So, what made you want to direct this?
Aria: Well, I can't say that I actually remember. This has been in the making for a long time and now that it's finally out I'm pretty much so overwhelmed with the fact that I finished it that it's beginnings aren't very clear. It just sort of came to me one day. I was in the middle of another project which was going pretty well, and it just sounded like a good idea.
Int: So, why the Bane? Why not Ripred, Twitchtip, or another more popular character?
Aria: I wanted a challenge. I mean, you go up to the average fan and say 'Who's your favorite character?' Ripred is the general answer, I mean, look at this chart!
Int: Where'd you get that?
Aria: Does it matter?
Int: I suppose not...
Aria: Look at this chart! Ripred has 18 votes! Pearlpelt has ONE! Me! And this other chart!
Int: Where do you get these things?
Aria: Don't question me, mortal, or my Ripred given powers. Ares has 18 votes of awesomeness, and Bane only has 11 votes. I mean, it would be too easy to say 'this is about Ripred' and have everyone flock to the story like ants on a sammich. The Bane was a challenge, not only because of his lack of popularity, but because of his mental state which became increasingly hard to duplicate.
Int: You've been a Bane supporter for a while, does it discourage you when people make blanket statements about him?
Aria: Not discourage...more like infuriate. I have written essays explaining things, and they still just say he was heartless or stupid.
Int: You've been accused of being a fangirl, do you have anything to say about that?
Aria: Of course I'm a fangirl. Most people don't realize this, but if I read or watch something, there is going to be some part of it that I obsess over. Bane is really easy for me to love, and with a few minor tweaks, quite easy to fangirl and glomp.
Int: What do you think circulation will be like? I mean, none of your projects have gotten very much recognition.
Aria: Well, I normally do fantastic opening night, and then just dribble off into nonexistence. But I think this, unlike my Trilogy, will be something people can remember, because no one else has completed a gnawer POV, and I'm pretty much the authority on the Bane now. When a new member to the cult like association that is fans of TUC joins and makes some offhand comment about the Bane, everyone is pretty much like 'Go see Memoirs.' That's just a great feeling, you know, it puts me up there with the stars.
Int: I see...so, what is your response to the rumors of a break down?
Aria: 42.
Int: What?
Aria: Heh...sorry. Umm, well I've been looking through a lot of scripts and potential projects and realizing that they're just not appealing to me like they used to. Of course I have to finish the Darkness Trilogy, and my documentary on the gnawers is under contract, but other than that I'm turning toward new scripts instead of old ideas.
Int: So what is your plan? Got any juicy spoilers for the fans?
Aria: Nope. I'm going to be very busy the next few months, and really I'm not sure if I'll be able to do anything at all. But I have a few things I'd like to do for Invader Zim fandom and a big stack of notes for original stories. You will most definitely be hearing from me again.
Int: It was nice talking to you.
Aria: t3h b4n3 pwns.
Int: Indeed...Wait...why are you closing the door.
Aria: Remember what I told you at the beginning of the interview?
Int: Ya, you said if you told me you'd have to kill me. That's a long standing joke...bit cliche really.
Aria: Heh...no joke, chica.
Int: Wait...what are you doing?
Aria: mwahahahaaaaaaa
Int: -random screaming-
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Making of Memoirs.
Voices of Bane.
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Is...is this thing on? Hey! The microphone thingy still works! Oh...crap there's a bit of blood on it. There, now it should be perfect. Can you hear me now? Can you HEAR me now?! ANSWER ME! Oh ya...
Hey guys, it's Aria!! The genius that brought you Heaven and Hell, and It Takes Two for a Massacre. I promised I would explain this, but the interviewer had an accident, so I guess I'm doing this alone.
I'll start out by saying most people think voices in the head are funny. These people irritate me. I would really enjoy watching Bane squish them. Cause he can. I mean...the other night I realized just how TALL twelve feet is. I mean...wow. And proportioned with a regular rat! I mean the tail alone would be the length of my mum and dad and little sister all laid out in a line. And if he can SQUISH people just think about the SMASHING he could do! I mean I'd rather see him than the Hulk. BANE SMASH!! Heh...
Oops...see, this is why I need an interview person, I get off topic so quick...
Well, to explain things simply, the creature we know as the Bane has three distinct states of mind. He has the childlike state to which he reverts in moments of extreme stress or grief. Then there's the normal adolescent and rather autistic state which I call Pearlpelt. He's the one that you hear from most of the time. Then there is the Voice. I refer to him as the Bane. You hear the Bane talk throughout most of the later half of the story.
It's really difficult to explain my theories of the Bane, or the Voice. He's been talking to Pearlpelt all his life, but it wasn't made clear to either us or our favorite psychopath that the Voice was a separate entity until a while into Memoirs. The Voice speaks in italics mostly, except when he has control of Pearlpelt's actions. You see, in that big white body is housed two different minds. Pearlpelt's and Bane's. Now, the Bane in this story is the collective consciousness of the Banes before Pearlpelt. He's the evil deep inside. Now, normally Pearlpelt could ignore or fight this influence, much like I ignore irritating noobs, but he was traumatized early in his life and that opened him up and made him vulnerable. The Bane is an excellent fighter, if a bit reckless, and has generally no morals.
Um...if you still don't get it...you're stupid and you deserve to die. Just...think Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Gollum is the Ring's influence, Smeagol is the little hobbity critter deep down inside. Yadda yadda...blah blah...ramble. Mk...now then, I'm late for my...thing I have to do. Bye!
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Scourge of the Underland
Interview With Pearlpelt and the Bane.
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Pearlpelt: HELLO!!!! HI PEOPLE!!! HAAAAI!!!!!
Int: -cough- Um...this isn't a live interview.
Pearlpelt: -screams- Who are you!??!!? What are you doing here??!?! Leave me alone! Mama!!! Twirltongue!! Oprah!!!
Int: -raises eyebrow- Oprah?
Bane: Silence, both of you.
Int: Indeed. Mr. Bane, Pearlpelt, sir, you agreed to an interview, and I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions.
Pearlpelt: You mean....you're not after my Lucky Charms?
Int: Excuse me?
Pearlpelt: They're magically delicious!!!
Int: Um no...I'm not, now about those questions...
Bane: Why should we tell you anything?
Int: It would...please your adoring fans. Plus you're under contract.
Twirltongue: -walks in- Pearlpelt says nothing without the presence of his lawyer.
Ripred: -follows her into the interview room- If you're a lawyer then my name is Shirley. You're so full of yourself.
Gregor: -comes in last- You're one to talk Mr. I-are-a-god-ph33r-me.
Twirltongue: -smirks- Ya, so shut up Shirley.
Pearlpelt: Twirly!!! -glomps-
Twirltongue: meep!
Int: What are all of you doing in here? This is supposed to be a private interview!
Ripred: Twirltongue is here because Pearliegirlie can't sneeze without her to hold his paw. I'm here because I'd like to see you try and throw me out, and Prince Gregor balances out the good-evil ratio.
Bane: There are five of us in here you fool.
Ripred: -stares at Pearlpelt in mock amazement- Really? There are FIVE voices? By Me, it must be crowded in there.
Pearlpelt: -blinks- But the gopher left!
Bane: Silence! I'm doing the talking here.
Int: What the hell did I get myself into?
Gregor: I know the feeling, buddy.
Twirltongue: Questions, please. I have a species to exterminate at two, so we should really hurry up.
Int: Alright, well I suppose I'll start with the easy ones. What do you think of Memoirs?
Pearlpelt: I think--
Ripred: -cuts him off- There wasn't enough of me in it. All the scenes without me are complete garbage.
Pearlpelt: -wails- I was TALKING!!! You interrupted me!!! That was MEAN!
Twirltongue: Hush, darling. You'll get your turn. I think the project was ambitious and well executed if not very organized. All in all it's fairly good.
Pearlpelt: I liked the part where...I...I..-laughs- I dunno...
Gregor: It was ok, I guess, but it made me look like the bad guy! I mean, the whole time Pearlpelt was going on and on about how I had ruined his life. I'm not the villain here!
Ripred: -laughs- You fail to grasp that you're one of the least liked characters in the series.
Twirltongue: Indeed. People don't read Memoirs to hear you whine, they got enough of that in the Chronicles.
Ripred: Face it, Gregor. America hates you.
Twirltongue: And overseas isn't too fond of you either.
Gregor: -defensively- Why are you two ganging up on me?!
Ripred: Because it's so easy!
Gregor: It is not!
Twirltongue: Yes it is. Do you realize that you fell to my manipulation faster than anybody I've ever known? I mean, we're comparing you and Pearlpelt at this point. And he's a deranged, infantile lunatic.
Gregor: SHUT UP! Besides, I never fell for it...I was just...tricking you! How d'you like that?
Twirltongue: -.- Did your mother let you eat paint chips when you were a baby?
Int: -coughs- 'Scuse me, can we go to the next question?
Ripred: Ya.
Gregor: Sure.
Twirltongue: Why not?
Int: What was it like working with Aria?
Pearlpelt: She gave me STUFFS!!!
Gregor: She's kind of abusive...
Bane: The girl will pay for interfering with my plans for world domination.
Twirltongue: That child needs some serious help.
Int: Why? Is she difficult to get along with? Does she have some odd qualities?
Ripred: -cutting Twirltongue off before she can answer- She refuses to worship my awesomeness.
Twirltongue: -laughs-
Ripred: INFIDEL!!!
Int: Mr. Ripred, sir...
Ripred: -pleased at being addressed by sir- Yes?
Int: If I may ask you a question?
Ripred: Proceed.
Pearlpelt: -shrieks- I WANT A QUESTION!!!!
Gregor: Ok...that was painful.
Twirltongue: You didn't answer the first one at all...
Int: -ignores- What was it like to be beaten by the Bane's soldiers and imprisoned? I mean, you were his caretaker for a fairly long time.
Ripred: I don't know what you're talking about, really. What story are you reading?
Twirltongue: She's talking about you being stuck in the pit.
Ripred: Exactly! That never happened, see...
Gregor: Yes it did! I had to come rescue you.
Ripred: You didn't rescue me! You didn't even know where I was until that little brat landed on my head!
Twirltongue: HA! You admit it!
Int: Now that that's been established, could you answer the question, please?
Ripred: -glowers- Fine. Look, the Bane didn't beat me in any way shape or form. That would've been insulting. I obliterated half of his army before they forced me into a pit. I mean, they couldn't kill me, they had to throw me bodily into a pit! Pearlie, here, had nothing to do with it.
Pearlpelt: DID TOO!
Int: Now, a question for Twirltongue.
Twirltongue: -smiles smugly-
Int: Did you ever like Pearlpelt? Or were you just using him? Please answer truthfully.
Twirltongue: Ummm...-glances at Pearlpelt-
Pearlpelt: -humming and playing with his tail-
Twirltongue: I...suppose I liked him sometimes. I mean...when he wasn't acting too crazy or...tearing off my head.
Pearlpelt: I said I was sorry! Not my fault!
Twirltongue: He was like a pet most of the time, kind of cute but needy and a bit obnoxious. Other than that, yes, I was using him. And I've never gotten over the whole dying thing.
Pearlpelt: Meanie.
Twirltongue: No, my dear, I'm not mean to you. Can you ever recall a time I was anything but kind and supportive? It's Ripred and Gregor who--
Ripred: Can someone put a muzzle on this she-witch before she convinces Pearlpelt to kill us all?
Gregor: We're two ragers, I'm sure we can take him.
Int: Because you two did oh so well before...
Gregor: Hey! He's dead isn't he?!
Int: Anyway, that brings us to a question asked specifically by a reader named 'Aya.' Twirltongue, do you seduce people for fun?
Twirltongue: Of course. What could be more entertaining than that?
Int: Hard to argue with that logic. Lastly, what did you hope to accomplish by the end of the war?
Twirltongue: Total domination over the Underland and all who inhabited it.
Int: Well that's pretty straight forward...
Pearlpelt: Mah Twirly's smart, yes she is.
Twirltongue: Don't call me Twirly.
Pearlpelt: I will call you Twirleh then. I'll call you Twirleh, and you will be mine, and you will be my Twirleh.
Twirltongue: -facepalm-
Gregor: It's...kind of cute the way they interact.
Ripred: It's gut wrenching, I don't know what you're talking about.
Int: Now then, Pearlpelt, some questions for you.
Pearlpelt: YAY!
Bane: I object to this insult. You have been giving this imbecile all the questions, and have offered me none. I should kill you for even suggesting he is superior to me in his question answering skills.
Int: -slightly scared- Well, um..we're saving the best for last. Ya, that's it. So, just—if you could just wait one moment?
Pearlpelt: -bouncing up and down- Pick me pick me!
Twirltongue: Pearlpelt, dear, do you think you could stop making the ground shake?
Int: Alright, we'll start simply. Pearlpelt, what is your favorite food?
Pearlpelt: Chocolate!
Gregor: Wow...that was a shocker.
Pearlpelt: And...fish...and ah likes nibblers too. They're yummy.
Gregor: That's so sick...
Ripred: What is?
Gregor: You're not disturbed by the fact that he likes to eat mice?
Ripred: Not really. Most gnawers used to do it, before the nibblers struck up peace treaties with the humans. Then they stopped, but mostly because the humans would go to war if we had a nibbler buffet.
Gregor: But, you're like...the same species!
Twirltongue: We have nothing in common with nibblers. It is a shame we have a similar appearance, but we are completely different. Don't you dare compare gnawers to those pathetic creatures.
Pearlpelt: Ah eat dem.
Int: Continuing. What do you think of Twirltongue, Pearlpelt? And be honest.
Gregor: Isn't it kind of unfair to have him answer that question with Twirltongue still in here?
Ripred: Exactly. Get her out of here. Bye bye, Twirltongue.
Twirltongue: No way, I had to answer the question about Pearlpelt with him still in the room, he has to answer this one.
Ripred: Will we ever get rid of you?
Twirltongue: No.
Bane: Are you two quite finished yet? Let the child answer his questions so that we may get on to the best part.
Gregor: You guys fight like an old married couple.
Ripred and Twirltongue: DO NOT.
Twirltongue: Take that back!
Bane: SILENCE. I KILL you.
Pearlpelt: I like Twirleh. She's nice, and she's warm to sleep next to. And she helps me when I'm confused, and when I'm sad. She was the only person who was good to me after Razor died. I think I luff her.
Gregor:...aw.
Ripred: You disgust me...all of you.
Bane: It is my turn. I demand questions. And my questions will be greater than ALL of you!
Twirltongue: And I thought Ripred had a superiority complex.
Ripred: It's not a complex, I actually am superior.
Int: Alright, then...Mr. Bane, sir...What was your favorite part of the war?
Bane: All of it. Except the parts what I wasn't in control. I enjoy war, the planning, the fighting, the victory.
Ripred: -snort- What victory?
Bane: -roars- I WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD.
Int: Which brings us to our next question: What do you think of Ripred?
Ripred: What's with all these personal opinion questions. This isn't the sharing circle, guys. Why haven't I been asked what I think of Prince Gregor?
Gregor: Isn't it obvious what you think of me?
Ripred: Oh, yeah. Right.
Bane: I think he is in for a world of pain in about five seconds.
Ripred: Ya? You and what army? Oh right! You don't have an army! We defeated them and killed you! HA!
Bane: -snarls-
Int: Okay then, that's the end of the interview, I'm getting the hell out of here, because my insurance doesn't cover mutilation by giant subterranean rats.
Gregor: Take me with you!!!
Twirltongue: Not me, I'm content, here. -munches popcorn-
Pearlpelt: I'M ON TV!
Bane: SILENCE! You will all bow to me!
Ripred: No they won't! I'm Ripred, therefore I am their god, therefore they will bow to me!
