Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: Who's the boom king? I'm the boom king! Who owns Ace Attorney? I don't own Ace Attorney!

Except… this really… doesn't have much to do with Ace Attorney so… meh, whatever.

Turnabout of the Ancient Mariner

(Trial, Part 1)

Silence.

Jaden Friday looked at his wrist, where one would normally wear a watch. Granted, he was in prison, so his watch had been confiscated, but the general impression of waiting for someone was still given off.

"This is about the time somebody comes to complain to me, so…" he said, looking around. After waiting for five minutes, he stretched, and stood up abruptly. "Ah, screw it, I need to get back to tunneling."

-District Courthouse, Main Lobby. 7/11. 9:30 am.

"You had to say yes, didn't you?"

Tanya glared at Chancellor, arms crossed tightly against her chest. "You had to take the case, didn't you? You couldn't have let the other two, perfectly competent attorneys take care of it, could you?" She rapped her Stiletto heels sharply on the tile floor. "Now granted, Chancellor, I don't expect much from you, I really don't, but one would think you could find enough common sense in your peanut-sized brain to pass on a case now and again, particularly one that someone else is already on!! Do you want me to hate you?"

"Maybe" Chance winked, but Tanya was not amused. "Oh, come on!" he said, his shoulders sinking back, "It's not like this is some absolutely, horrible thing that will jeopardize…"

"It is Chancellor" Tanya said, eyes closed. "Why don't you understand that?" She shuddered slightly. "Honestly, this is the worst thing either of us have ever done to the other…"

"Hey, that's not true" Chance defended. "Remember that time you rented Manos: The Hands of Fate and suggested we watch the movie for a change?"

Tanya shrunk back. "Well…. Ok… the second worst thing."

"That's not true either!" Chance grinned. "There was also Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Child Bride… not to mention all of those films with Bela Lugosi..."

"HEY!" Tanya yelled. "I like Bela Lugosi, okay?"

"Exactly!" Chance sobbed heavily. "It's so hard some times… coming over and seeing that you want to watch Bride of the Monster again…"

Tanya watched Chance cry for a minute, than shook her head. "You… are so…odd." Chancellor continued sobbing overdramatically. "Chancellor… Chancellor, movies are nothing to cry about…"

"And neither is this!" he suddenly laughed, causing Tanya to shirk back. "Tanya, I've told you, I don't care if you want to kill me in there!" He shook his head, and stepped closer to her. "As long as we both do our jobs right and the truth come out eventually…" he said softly. "That's all that matters, right?"

Tanya bit her lip, and looked at Chancellor with wide eyes. "No" she said softly. "There's much Moore to it than that…"

Chancellor looked at her for a minute. She's hurting on the inside. Can't you see that? His face reprimanded him (there were mirrors in the lobby). I think you know what you have to do, Chancy.

"Come here" Chancellor whispered, gripping her tightly in his arms for a minute. "I'll make sure not to say anything, ok?" he said softly.

"Promise?" she choked back.

Chanced hesitated for a minute, and then nodded. "Yeah" he said softly before kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Now go on. It'd look bad if the 'scourge of all defense attorneys' was seen like this, wouldn't it?" he teased. Tanya smiled and held on to him for a second, looking at him with such affection that he hadn't seen in weeks. She grabbed his chain, pulled him down to her level and kissed him, before walking off energetically towards the prosecutor's office.

Chancellor sighed. Well, I've made a promise that's going to be near impossible to keep, are you happy now?

Yes. His face answered back. I'm proud of you Chancy.

"There are so many things wrong with what I just saw, it isn't even funny" came a raspy voice from behind him, interrupting Chance's self-conversation.

Chance whirled around. "How the hell do you do that?" he screamed, shocked at how silently the man had snuck up on him. "And what exactly do you mean by saying that, huh?"

"Genetics" Stradivarius DuClaw said in answer to the first question. "And it's exactly as I said, the current main pairing in the sick and twisted dramedy called Your Life is wrong on every single possible level." He shook his head. "For one thing, it screams of 'fan service', seeing as both of you look like women, but more importantly" Stradivarius said loudly, taking a step closer to Chance. "Tanya, despite her reputation, is… impressionable." He leaned his face into Chance's, so they were practically touching. "I don't want to see her thrown for a loop by an immature flake like you, understood?"
Chancellor thought of retorting by somehow using the word dandruff, but decided against it. You don't know how much power he has in the prosecutor's office, he told himself, so don't do anything stupid.

"You don't have to worry" Chance said, holding his ground. "I don't plan on peeling off anytime soon." Meh… couldn't help it.

DuClaw gave a small grunt, smirked, and spun around quickly. "I'll hold you to that" he threatened, before storming off towards the prosecutor's office.

Chance looked after him for a minute and scratched his head. Why do I feel like I've just narrowly escaped being shot by an overly protective father?

Because you're in love his face said back.

Chancellor gasped, and his eyes widened. He stood still for a minute, lost in thought. Good gravy, I am he realized, and walked slowly towards the defendant's lobby.

-District Courthouse, Defendant's lobby 2. 7/11. 9:41 pm.

Cassie was waiting for him when he walked in, still lost in thought. "It's about time" she commented. "We've been meaning to talk to you about something."

"We? Something?" Chance muttered absent-mindedly.

"Yes, little missy. We. Something." Said Ricky, also waiting in the lobby in all his mismatched glory. "About Tanya…"

"Oh!" Chance laughed, snapping back to reality. "Sorry guys, but you're a bit late. We've already patched things up for the time being!"

Cassie eyes him suspiciously. "When?"

"Just… maybe five minutes ago?" Chance answered.

"And how long did this take?" Ricky asked, equally suspicious.

"…Five minutes?" Chance replied.

Ricky and Cassie looked at each other and sighed heavily. "And, you honestly think," Cassie continued asking, "that a five minute conversation is going to be enough to get you through every single time the two of you have to go against each other in court?"

"Y…yeah?" Chance stuttered.

Awkward silence.

"Chancy, Chancy" Ricky said condescendingly, wrapping one arm around his best friend. "Let me tell you a little story, ok?"

"Story time!" Chance cheered, clapping his hands excitedly.

"You see, a long time ago at Boston College, there was this sweet little boy who was dating a beautiful woman. She liked nearly everything about him, he respected her for who she was on the inside, and he loved her with his whole heart and soul."

"Aaaaaaaaaaw" Cassie cooed.

"AMEN sister!" Ricky yelled. "But you see, this guy and this girl were going through a rough patch" he continued. "Sensing that something had to be done, the nice guy went to his one friend and asked him what to do. But you see, the friend turned about to be this Filthy McNasty backstabber type, and he told his friend that as long as the nice guy addressed the problem occasionally in conversation, without ever talking about it in-depth, that everything would work out." Ricky shook his head sadly. "Well, the nice guy took his friends advice, and three months later the love of his life was going out with the nasty friend, and his heart was broken."

"Wow." Cassie said, her eyes tearing up. "That… that story is about you, isn't it Ricky?" she said softly.

"Yeah, it is" Chance confirmed. He shoved Ricky's hand away. "That's how he stole Melissa MacDonald away from me in my second year of college!"

"And you THOUGHT you would have LEARNED something from it!" Ricky laughed, flicking Chance playfully on the head.

"I really did hate college…" Chance muttered.

"That's not the point," Cassie said. "As much as Ricky deserves to hang for what he did…"

"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" Ricky shouted, backing away from Cassie. (Is it necessary to say who's in charge here?)

"No… I don't…" Cassie said flatly. "But anyway, I think the message that your 'friend' is trying to get across is still painfully obvious here." She eyed Chancellor, concerned. "You don't want me to rant on the subject, do you?"

Chancellor shuddered. "No… anything but that, please." He ran a hand through his snow colored hair. "Alright, I'll be sure to sit down and have a long talk with Tanya after this, ok?"

"Proud of you man" Ricky said. "Just remember, I'll literally kill you if you mess this up, understand?"

Chancellor laughed. "Understood." He and Ricky rapped fists, and then Ricky left. "ALRIGHT!" Chancellor yelled. "LET'S DO…" he stopped. "Um, Cassie? Where is everyone?"

"Probably eating breakfast," she said, checking her watch. "The trial doesn't start until 10:30, after all."

"But I was told… argh." He slumped over. "Morage did it to me again… stupid, no good, dear old boss o' mine."

"I'm not sure if 'dear old boss o' mine' counts as an insult, Moore" grumbled Morage as he walked in, Mr. Noble in tow. "And rest assured, I didn't just do it to mess with you." He glared at Chancellor. "We need to talk."

Good gravy. What is this, 'meaningful conversation day'?

"Let's get fucked up and die…" Noble sang randomly, wandering around the room. "I'm speaking… figuratively, of course… like the last… time…" He burst into tears.

Chance stared. "It's not polite to stare, Moore" Morage was quick to remind him.

"Oro, sorry about it that." Chance said with a shake of the head. "What exactly…"

"He's gotten so bad, it's not even funny." Morage whispered. "I went to check up on him last night; I caught him just about to hang himself." He shook his head, and for the first time in Chancellor's life, Morage had a look of pity on his face. "The poor guy's gotten so depressed he can only speak in lyrics now… and I've got to keep a pretty close eye on him to make sure he doesn't do anything drastic."

"Under the curse… under the bad curse of nightmares…" Noble sang off key. "Tonight… it's time to… die…" Tears again.

"Anyway!" Chancellor said abruptly, stopping himself from staring again. "You wanted to talk about something?"

"Right… I wanted to tell you…" Morage whispered even softer. "Culligan is guilty, there's no doubt in my mind."

Chance gave Morage a funny look. "Not exactly the words of encouragement I wanted to hear, Mr. Thenue" he replied. He leaned in closer. "Why do you say that? I mean; I know the guy doesn't like chocolate covered strawberries, but other than that… I mean; he doesn't really seem to have a reason to murder his friend's wife, does he?"

Morage looked away, and muttered a name under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Bonnie lies over the ocean!" Mr. Noble sang. "Bonnie lies over the sea!"

Chancellor groaned. "Mr. Noble, please, can you possibly…"

"No, he's right" Morage interrupted. "That's the reason."

Chancellor stared at Morage blankly. He cocked his head, and gave a confused "oro?"

Morage sighed. "Bonnie Culligan." He said. "I'm sure the prosecution will bring this up, but…" He looked away. "Kenny… did something years ago… and because of that Bonnie..." He shook his head suddenly. "It's not my place to say. Either way, Culligan's bore resentment to Kenny ever since." He looked Chancellor in the eye. "Chancellor, I hate to admit this, but if you take charge of this case… the truth will come out… and we'll lose." He shook his head. "I know you won't even consider this, but… try not to talk, alright?"

"Oh yeah, sure" Chance nodded with a small grin. "Whatever you say Mr. Thenue."

"Yes, I thought you might say… eh?" Morage snapped to attention. "Oh. Well then…" he fidgeted, as if unsure what to do with himself. "Jack! Let's get to the viewing lobby!"

"I said… don't you know… you said… you don't know… I said…"

"Yes, yes" Morage nodded. "I'm taking you out of this room into another, come along now."

After they left, Cassie shook her head in disappointment. "Really, Chancellor? You're throwing the game? I thought better of you."

Chancellor smiled. "Let's just say I'm relying on my teammates for this one. Besides…" he lowered his voice. "If I don't say anything, Tanya won't have any reason to hate me."

Cassie thought about his for a minute, and then nodded. "I can live with that" she said. "Lucky you, no diatribe today."

-Courtroom 6. 10:30 am.

The bailiff stood up on the witness stand and thrust both hands into the air. "Judge Scotty in the house!" he yelled.

"Hoo hoo hoo…." Chancellor barked. After seeing he was the only one, he gave an embarrassed wave to the crowd and sat down.

"Typical Moore" Morage grumbled from the gallery. "Can't he take anything seriously?"

"No… that's Liam's job." Cassie said from behind him. "Chance's job is to act immature and then have everyone 'give him another Chance'." She shook her head. "Honestly, Morage, haven't you figured out how this story works?"

"You certainly talk about that Sirius fellow a lot" Morage jabbed. "Even thought he is… oh, what would you call him? A 'minor character'." He grinned evilly, completely oblivious to how immature his remark had been.

"Well, Morage, let's see" Cassie retaliated. "Forgetting the fact that he happened to go to my school for four years, he has that annoying speech pattern, that squeaky voice, that strange hairdo that makes him look like the Statue of Liberty… and let's not forget that he scalded me half to death in a 'power shower'." She shook her head. "There'd be something wrong with me if I couldn't remember the guy."

"Didn't you go to prom with him?"

Cassie whirled around quickly, and almost ran into the laid-back figure of Thompson Moore, leaning casually against the front of the next bench. "That's what I heard from him anyway," he explained, pointing next to him at Stradivarius DuClaw.

Cassie squinted at DuClaw. "Must you do these things to me?" she whispered harshly. "And if I might ask." She turned her gaze sharply back towards Thompson. "Who the heck are you?"

"Chancellor's father, of course" the doctor laughed. "Dr. Thompson Moore. You honestly couldn't tell? So many people say that he looks just like me…" He winked. "But let's not get off topic here, didn't you…"

"It was in self-defense!" Cassie yelled. "I knew he'd be there, and because of that I knew someone was going to die! He asked me to prom and I figured if I said 'no' I'd be the one to go!" She shuddered. "Self-preservation is the most basic of human instincts after all. You see in my book, Freud was completely wrong. The thing that motivates all human beings isn't sex drive, no matter how good a movie it might have been, the main thing that motivates a human being is the continuance of it's own life span! To hell with the next generation! Human beings were made for the present! Or do you not live in the present; is that it, Tommy? Are you a past-dweller? A backwards-walker? If you are, then I'd seriously suggest…"

She stopped only at the sight of Thompson chuckling to himself slightly. "Chancellor was right," he said casually. "I do like you." Cassie blushed, and Thompson chuckled again. "If you don't mind me asking, who did die?"

"Our English teacher, Ms. Prose" Cassie said with a frown. "She was ninety-three, but perfectly healthy until that night. She had a heart attack during the Homecoming Court dance, tipped over the punch bowl, and died some poor girl's white dress pink! By the time they got her to the hospital, she was already gone."

"God knows it was her time" DuClaw remarked. "Even I had Ms. Prose for Senior English."

"I liked Ms. Prose!" Cassie yelled. "She's the one who sparked my interest in debate freshman year, and shaped me into the argument queen I am today!"

"She deserved to die then," Morage grumbled.

"You know, you make me want to shout" Noble nodded weakly in agreement.

"Very good Jack" Morage nodded sympathetically. "Now hush up, all of you. Look's like the trial's starting."

"… So yeah, that's why I wear my hair in the shape of a pentagram." Scotty finished explaining. "Not only that, but Lia finds it… 'Mystical'." He held a finger to the side of his nose. "Let's just say, it's because of this haircut that I have a daughter."

"Ok" Alexis said, clutching her sides tightly. "That information was unnecessary, needless, superfluous… not to mention disturbing, chilling, and disquieting."

"Is this how trials usually start in America, monsieur?" Ben whispered to Chancellor.

"It's how the good ones start, Benjamin" Chance winked.

Ben blinked once. "Benvolio" Ben corrected patiently. "And might I ask why Ms. Cassandra is not here with us?"

"Ben, this bench is already jam-packed, crowded, and full" Alexis griped. "Besides, she's not a lawyer; she won't be of any practical use anyway."

"That's not true, you know" Chance objected.

"What happened to your 'no talking' promise?"

"That doesn't count towards…"

"Yes it does. So shut up, hum up, hush up, and quiet up." Alexis blinked. "Though I suppose that should be quiet down…"

"The same applies to you, Ms. Lexington." Scotty reprimanded. "If you expect to lead the defense in this case, I'd suggest you take your own advice." Alexis pouted overdramatically. Scotty sighed, shook his star-shaped coif, and turned to Tanya. "Ms. Krasivaya? Your opening statement, if you would."

"Yes, your honor" Krasivaya nodded, dusting off one shoulder of her black dress. She cleared her throat, and walked to the center of the courtroom. "There's an old American idiom that I, admittedly, only quite recently learned how to use properly." She threw a glance at Chancellor and smiled. "The idiom is this: 'Is the pope Catholic?'" She shook her head. "A stupid question for anyone to ask, indeed. Well, your honor, I'd like to propose a synonym to that idiom, namely, 'Is Gilligan P. Culligan guilty?'" She turned to face the jury. "The man was seen running from the room, carrying a very incriminating paper with him, and does not deny having stolen it from the safe!"

"You admitted to something like that?" Chancellor whispered worriedly.

"I was thinking it'd being best to tell the truth, y'know." Culligan shrugged.

… Why am I… we… always burdened with defending honest people?

"The police have done an incredibly thorough investigation of this crime," Tanya continued. "And after all of their evidence is presented… there will be even less room for doubt than there is leg room in Coach class seating."

"That's entirely dependant on the airline" Thompson commented from the gallery. "And the plane for that matter. You shouldn't be letting stuff like that slide!"

That's entirely dependant on the airline Chancellor thought and the plane for that matter… ah, but I promised I wouldn't say anything… damn.

"Thank you, Ms. Krasivaya" Scotty nodded. "And a very good use of foreign expressions, I might add."

"Thank you, your honor" Tanya smiled. "I'll admit I had some help with that one."

"Nevertheless!" Scotty exclaimed. "Now…erm… defense?" Scotty pointed to each in turn. "Whichever one of you is making the opening statement, hop to it."

"Thank you, monsieur." Benvolio smiled, and the jury's preconceived notions of attorneys as dishonest and disreputable money-grubbers were dispelled. "Ahem."

"There exists such a thing as luck in this world. There is good luck, such as my good fortune of being noticed by an American law firm and being given the privilege to stand in front of you today, and there is bad luck, such as Mr. Culligan's accidentally stumbling across a body and being caught when running away from it in shock. We hold that Mr. Culligan is but an unlucky man, and that he had absolutely nothing to do with the murder of Mrs. Kendra Noble." Ben looked deeply into the eyes of each juror. "That is why, even though she was close to us; even though our boss, Mr. Noble, is torn to pieces because of her murder, we stand here before you, willing to fight for her supposed killer's freedom." His bottom lip trembled. "We want, above all else, for justice to be served." Ben paused for a minute, and then spoke again. "Not guilty." He sat down, and the entire courtroom (save Tanya and Scotty) gave him a standing ovation, with random cheers of 'you rock!' and 'I want to have your baby!' thrown in. Benvolio blushed. "Erm… thank you, Mademoiselles, but I do not believe that that is a good idea… I am not saying that your having a baby in general is a bad idea, of course, do not misunderstand me, but…"

"You're good Ben" Chance said, clapping his friend on the shoulder. "Your paragraph has run on long enough."

"Now you're doing it," Alexis mumbled.

"Yeah I know, Miriam… and it's something I always swore I'd never do, too…"

"Just pay attention. It looks like she's calling the first witness."

"Detective Spade! If you would please come to the stand?" Tanya asked.

"Reporting for duty, Ma'am!" came an enthusiastic bark. Tracy Spade walked in slowly and took the stand, his burly shoulders and sizable girth making him barely fit in the chair.

"Mr. Spade…" Tanya smiled. "Well, how are you, first of all?"

"Urm?" Spade flinched back slightly, surprised. "Well… I'm perfectly fine I suppose, Ms. Krasivaya." He scratched his stubble. "Barque… he's my dummy… he's in the shop for repairs, but other than that…" He smiled broadly. "Everything's going just fine! I even remembered not to hit on Chancellor today!"

"Well… yes" Tanya said unsurely. "I suppose I should thank you for that." She smiled peerlessly. "Would you tell us what the police dug up on this case, Mr. Spade? As quickly as possible, if you would, the defense would suffer terribly if it was long and drawn out."

"Very well then!" He responded with a quick salute. "The first thing I'd like to address is the results of the autopsy… We brought Mrs. Noble back to the lab, looked over as meticulously and scrutinously as we could…"

INTERJECTION!

"'Scrutinously' isn't a word, your honor!" Alexis objected. "Synonyms for 'meticulously' include carefully, scrupulously, thoroughly."

BANG! BANG! Rang the gavel. "Ms. Lexington?" Scotty said, blowing at his hair. "As intriguing as this is… I'm finding it hard to care." He banged the gavel again. "OVERRULED! You may continue, detective."

"Thanks, Scotty" Spade nodded. "Anyway, we looked over the body as scrutinously as we could, and we found that the results…" He chuckled slightly. "Matched the field autopsy results perfectly. Did I tell you that Zak was a genius or what?"

"So wait…" Alexis interrupted. "Your saying that your entire forensic lab took hours to do what Newton did in a matter of minutes?"

"Well… yeah!" Spade laughed. "That's just how good my protégé is, I suppose!"

"Either that, or how completely idiotic our police force is" Stradivarius sniped from the gallery.

"Oh come now, you're a prosecutor aren't you? Aren't you and the police on the same side?" Thompson asked with a broad smile.

Stradivarius rolled his eyes and leaned back against the bench, blowing up at his hair. "You work in the same building as morgue workers do; does that mean you do the same job?"

"We both try to make our patients as comfortable as possible, yes." Thompson retaliated calmly.

"… and that's why I only have half of my face covered in stubble!" Spade finished with a deep laugh.

"Caring…so…little…" Alexis groaned, leaning heavily on one hand. "Mr. Spade? If you would, can you move on to presenting the case?"

"Sure thing, Miriam!" Spade barked with a grin. Chance gave him a thumbs up and a wink from the bench, and was abruptly pummeled by Alexis. "The evidence against Mr. Culligan is…" He put a hand behind his head. "Well, I hate to say this, but it really is irrefutable. For starters" he said, holding up a blood-covered poker. "This poker, the murder weapon, has Mr. Culligan's fingerprints all over it, as does the safe in Mr. Noble's room." He held up a picture of the safe. "As you can see, the safe has clearly been broken into, and what was stolen from it…"

"I'd like to take this one, Tracy" Tanya interrupted.

"Huh?" Spade gave a confused growl. "Well… sure, go right ahead… Ms. Krasivaya." He held out his hand awkwardly, motioning for her to go.

"What was stolen from the safe," she said poignantly, slowly extending her hand towards Spade. "Was a rather… shall we say, incriminating document."

"Inculpating, convicting, condemnatory, accusatory" Alexis muttered under her breath.

"A document which, beyond the shadow of a doubt" she expressed, slamming the paper onto Scotty's desk dramatically. "Proves the 'reason, motivation, and rationale' of Mr. Culligan in this murder!" She said mockingly, glaring almost viciously at Alexis.

"Hey! Culligan man!" Chance whispered. "Twenty bucks that if a cat fight breaks out, Tanya wins."

"I'll be taking you on there, laddie" Culligan replied, shaking Chance's hand.

Fireplace Poker: The murder weapon. Bears the fingerprints of Culligan's left hand, as well as those of Kendra Noble, Jacopo Noble, Zak Newton, Athena Aegis, and Morage Thenue.

Safe Photograph (as opposed to a dangerous one): Shows the area around the safe. A holder for fireplace tools can be seen to the left of the safe, and a saw, crowbar, and stethoscope can be seen protruding from the bottom of the picture.

Safe Cracking Tools: A sparkling, yet recently used saw, a long, black crowbar, and a stethoscope. Found at the scene of the crime, and presumably used by Mr. Culligan.

Red Herring Company; budget records: 1.4 million dollars assigned to Public Affairs Office. (Crossed out, and then written over by hand.) 1.4 Mil embezzled by Bonnie.

"What?" yelled Scotty. "Ms. Krasivaya? What on earth does embezzlement in a Scottish Herring Fishery have to do with this case?"

"I'd be happy to explain, Scotty" Tanya smiled. "You see…"

"NOT TODAY YOU DON'T!" Cassie yelled.

Tanya whirled around. "What? What do you…"

End of Chapter.

Author's note corner (Those of you… yeah, you know by now):

I've been busy.

This chapter was written in many, many different twenty-minute intervals of free time I happened to have. Usually, I get to devote at least half and hour at any given time… (Sigh). The price of being popular, I suppose.

Anyway, the first pieces of evidence are in, and the first witness will be taking the stand next time! Who will it be? What does Red Herring have to do with anything? Tune in next… time… to find out!

Character Profile: Alexis Lexicon Lexington

First off, the name origin, since I actually haven't given the full one yet…

Lexicon comes straight off the cover of the dictionary in my house (it's huge, I've got no idea where it came from). The word actually means 'dictionary'.

Lexington was the first battleground of the revolutionary war. Hence, we get a connotation, nuance, and suggestion of someone being fiery and willing to fight. (Has anyone actually been to Lexington? They have two colleges there… and that's pretty much it. It's like a ghost town, and they still close their shops on Sundays!)

Middle na… oh, nevermind… : Yeah. One step ahead of you.

Well then, what about her favorite song? Huh? HUH? : 'What I really meant to say' by Cyndi Thompson. Well… someone has to have… 'questionable' tastes.

Why did you introduce another beautiful woman character? Isn't Tanya enough for the entire world +1? : Well, yes, I suppose Tanya is enough for the entire world+1, but we hear at Amaxing Fan Fiction Incorporated want to make sure that there's enough fan service. When the movie comes out, you'll thank me.

The… movie? : Yeah! The movie! The only thing stopping production is that we can't find a feminine enough looking actor; other than that, we're all set! (Not the irony/ sarcasm/ sardonic wit in my voice. Everyone knows it's going to be a TV show anyway).

If Lexy was a tree, what kind of tree would she be and why? : Barbara Walters reads this stuff? Huh. Anyway, she'd definitely be a holly tree, because even though it's short, it hurts like hell if you run smack dab into it.

… Not explaining how I know that.