AN: I'm cruel. I thrive off of creating pain for my characters. Sadistic? Yeah, probably. I think most people expected her to pull through. Sorry, but I can't always allow for the miracle recovery! Hope you all enjoy this update. Sorry, it's been a busy few days, so it took a while to get another one written. Hope you enjoy it, and as always, I appreciate any feedback that you give!
Reviews:
alphapup0909: Glad that you've enjoyed it! I like focusing on some of the other characters, and I don't particularly like Edward or Bella (so they're not heavily discussed in my stories). And I love angst hehe. Hope you continue to enjoy!
rAbiDmutt03: Cruelty is my thing (as I'm sure you've discovered). I think everyone thought I'd target the relationship, but I decided to bring angst in a different way. Hope the update doesn't disappoint!
Hank's Lady: Really good to hear that you enjoyed the chapter that was so tailored to you ;) Gotta love awkward work reading material! It's been fun being cruel to them. Hope you like this one!
TurnItUp03: No worries on the review. I'm just glad that you are willing to share your opinions when you can. And I'm glad that you didn't hate the chapter. I know my writing can be quite harsh, but I at least like to think that it's semi-decently done haha.
perfectlyODD: It is to me. I much prefer the harsh side of things. As for the vampire thing...I just don't like it. I understand how Carlisle views it, but I'm just not the biggest fan of the concept. Plus, it's not like the vampires & wolves have been close, and Carlisle can't just go turning everyone on death's bed!
ant1gon3: Love the pull of the imprint. And we have opposite views on the use of angst hehe. I think of it as better to build people up and then use the angst to tear them down ;) Hope you continue to enjoy!
o0OsasaO0o: Sadly there's not going to be some miraculous recovery. Dealing with loss is an unfortunate part of life, so Paul is going to have to find a way to try and pull through.
GoinnGaGa: Glad you liked how I used it. I hope that you find what I do afterwards to be fitting. Gotta write what you know I guess hehe.
tinker03: Heh...yeah, I kinda enjoy doing that.
oh2byoung: That might be the most amusing review ever. Sure, can't tell how you liked everything through it, but it was still amusing. Hope you'll eventually forgive me (and Sarah) for our combined cruelty.
iJeedai: Easy target? I mean, sure I could have gone after a wolf, but I think the fragile human is easier to target. Plus, the guilt factor + loneliness = painful. I'd be happy to accept that award though. I love being a bit cruel ;)
JoJo0506: Yeah, Paul's not exactly in a good place right now. Poor guy did just lose his mother after all. Glad you appreciated the reintroduction of another wave of angst! Hope you continue to enjoy it.
Phoenix xxxxx: I'm a very cruel person. But it's never a bad idea to show you care for those that you love.
Nikki Neurotic: Glad you enjoyed it! I like putting poor Paul in bad places. It's just...fun to watch the results hehe. Hope you like this one!
The next few days were a blur. I barely remember filling out any paperwork or Seth leading me out of the hospital. The only thing that prevented me from collapsing from the pain was my imprint. Even he couldn't make me feel anything more than numb, but that was still a nice reprieve from the depression that had sunk in.
The tribal elders took care of all of the funeral arrangements. I wouldn't have known what to do, and they only came to me when there were questions that they couldn't answer. I had finally told them to just do what they thought was best.
The night before the burial, I found myself at the funeral home. I'd gone alone, wanting to see her one last time before they sealed the casket forever. I sat there in silence, looking at the peaceful face of my mother's lifeless body. I'd given up fighting tears at this point, allowing them to flow freely as I watched her.
"I'm sorry" I whispered. "I'm sorry for everything. I was never good to you. I know how all of your decisions were to protect me. The hardships that you faced raising me never made you resent me. You never directed blame at me, and all I did was disrespect you. I should have been better to you. If only I had actually listened to you, none of this would have happened. We may have never even ended up in this town if it wasn't for my anger and carrying this gene. At the very least, it's my fault that you were even at that store. I'm just…lost without you. You were all I ever had, and I don't know what to do without you. I love you…" I halfway sobbed, my emotions consuming me. I sat there for a while longer before I finally left the funeral home.
I didn't sleep that night. The funeral was well-attended, showing how much of an impact my mom had had on the community, both before she left and in the brief period since our return. Several people spoke about her growing up and what all she had done for the tribe. I listened, but shook my head when Sue quietly asked if I had anything I wanted to say. It'd taken everything I had to prevent myself from phasing several times a day since her death, and this wouldn't be the time to try and push it.
As they began lowering the body, I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and walked away, making it to my car before anyone could get to me. I left the gravesite, needing to get as far away from those pitying eyes as I could. I didn't want to be surrounded by people apologizing for my loss. It's not like it did any good to hear how great she was and all of the normal things you hear. I knew what I had lost and it was my damned fault that she was gone.
I had only one stop to make before going home. I pulled into the liquor store and went inside, picking up handles of several hard liquors before heading to the register. The young man looked at me incredulously.
"ID?" He asked wearily. I simply glared at him. "You can't expect me to sell this to you without an ID" he said.
A hundred dollar bill and the look on my face silenced him and he totaled my order. I bundled the several half gallons into my arms and left the store before driving quickly back home.
I walked into the dark house, deadbolting the door behind me. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I didn't want their judgment or worse...their pity. Well, that's only partially true. I always wanted to see Seth, but I knew that it wasn't a good idea for him to be near me right now. He didn't deserve to see my suffering and I wasn't going to make him deal with it.
I went up to my room, carrying two of the half-gallon bottles. As soon as I was on my bed, I opened up the first of the bottles, relishing in the burn as its contents began to flow down my throat. Vodka wasn't my favorite, but I knew that it would accomplish my goal. I set the jug down once several inches were gone and began to think. I'd been depressed for days, but that was beginning to be compounded with something else: anger.
I was angry at myself for having been such as an ass growing up. I was angry at my father for giving me this stupid gene, forcing me to be back here on this reservation. I was angry at the robber for causing all of this shit. I was angry at the world. I don't know what I had done in a previous life to piss it off, but karma had always had it out for me. Not like I'd ever known the easy life.
As I felt my frustration rise, I decided to go to my usual release. Picking up the guitar, I began to simply strum as I continued to remember. I thought back to the days of getting my ass handed to me. That was when I first became hardened to everyone. There'd been a time when I'd hoped that things at the new place would be better than the last. I was a stupid kid, and the only way to fix things was to do it yourself. That's why I'd picked up fighting so quickly. Mom didn't like it, but at least it allowed me to protect myself.
Tears welled up again as I thought of her. She'd always hated my fighting. It was the one thing that she got onto me about every time. She'd never seen me as the victim. I'd hid that from her. It's only once the other kids started losing that she'd found out. I was smug though. I'd gotten away from being the tormented, no matter what everyone else said. I felt my anger rising in my stomach at the thoughts of all of the conflicts that I'd suffered through. My emotions weren't in check and this time the guitar paid the price. In a sudden burst of rage, I shattered the neck with an uncontrollably strong squeeze. Damnit, I really liked that guitar…
I quickly reached for the bottle again, gulping the clear liquid that was beginning to have its way on my mind. Guess that was going to serve as my release for now. As the bottle continued to drain, I thought back to our move here.
I hadn't really cared about moving to this reservation. Just another place with the same issues. That had changed when I met Seth. I didn't understand it at the time, but he was the only person that I'd ever cared for like this. It hadn't started romantic, but I now knew that there was nobody else. This had been a great place. I had the pack, Seth, and had grown closer to mom. Mom…
As the contents of the bottle became negligible, I felt its unsettling effects on my stomach. I quickly rolled off the bed, stumbling to the bathroom before heaving what little I had eaten recently into the porcelain bowl. As I sat there, the room continued to spin and it wasn't long before I allowed the darkness to overtake me, not caring that I was sprawled out in the bathroom.
The next few days fell into the same routine. I didn't go outside or even bother looking out the windows. There was no food in the house, but I didn't really care much about eating. All I could think about is how alone I felt without my mother. More and more memories flooded my mind. All of the new starts at schools, the guilty look she always had as we were about to leave to the newest reservation, and how she'd always offered me whatever I wanted. I'd just been too selfish to recognize that she wasn't just doing this for herself.
Liquor became my new best friend. I was steadily working my way through the collection that I'd bought, inevitably finding myself in the bathroom or by a trashcan. I heard knocks on the door, but I couldn't stand the thought of being seen like this. Everyone took the hint, never having the nerve to try and push me further. I didn't even have the nerve to seek out my imprint, who would understand the pain of losing someone they loved. Despite feeling the ache of not having Seth around, I knew he didn't deserve to have to put up with my weakness.
I couldn't be sure how many days it was before my routine was finally broken. All that I know was that it wasn't ended due to my choice. It had been another day of heavy drinking, and as it left my system again, I noticed that its contents were laced with blood. My body didn't seem to like the constant purges. Go figure.
It wasn't long before I was out again, but when I woke up, I realized that I was no longer in the bathroom. I can feel a cold cloth being tenderly rubbed across my forehead and it hits me that someone has finally broken the threshold into the house. I open my eyes wearily, my mind not fluid enough to figure out who else in the room. I'm pretty sure that my mind is playing tricks on me when the visitor comes into focus.
It's Leah. The person who has caused me more problems than anyone else in the pack is sitting in my room. My mind is going crazy trying to piece it all together when she decides to speak up.
"Not who you expected to see, was it?" she asked softly. The usual malice in her voice was gone and she actually sounded compassionate. I gently shook my head, still reeling from the fact that my world was spinning, literally and figuratively.
"I'd be lying if I said I came here completely because of you. We both know that we've never been on the best terms. But I needed to find out what the hell was going on in here. Your actions don't just impact you, you know?" she asked evenly. What was she talking about? The pack was surely large enough to handle patrols for a week without me.
Then it hit me. "Seth?" I asked tentatively, afraid to know if that's what she meant.
"Exactly. At first he was just moping about, but when he started getting sick, I knew that it had to do with you. Or you two not being around each other. Or something. Imprints have an emotional bond that goes beyond even what pack mates feel when they see each other's minds. Seth can truly feel your emotions as if they were his own." She explained.
That hurt. I had been trying to keep him from knowing how bad I was feeling, but I guess I'd failed to protect him. "I just didn't want him to see…" I whispered.
"Yeah, I know. You're a dominant. You feel like you're supposed to be there to keep him calm and protect him from things, not the other way around. It's how Sam felt whenever my dad died. But just because Seth and I are submissives, doesn't mean that we aren't meant to be there for you as well. It's not a one-sided process. So, just as much as you want to be there for him, Seth wants to be able to help you through this. You just need to let him and quit shutting people out of your life." Everything she said made sense and I simply nodded in response.
"Thanks Paul. We need to get you well again. You're important to Seth, so it's about time that I saw that you're not the enemy here." She said, giving me a pat on the arm.
Under her willpower, I got better over the next couple of days. She stashed away what little alcohol I had left and went and got groceries, forcing me to start eating again. She'd also provide updates on how Seth was doing and the fact that he was recovering was helping me stay focused. She allowed me to mourn, but refused to let me be self-destructive anymore.
After a few days, she finally coaxed me to leave the house. She led me down to the beach, allowing me to think while getting some fresh air. It was a cloudy day, but it was still a nice change of pace. Then I caught a scent on the wind. I looked up and saw him gazing at the water and knew that it was time for me to go and talk to my imprint. I turned to glance back at Leah, only to find that she had already headed the opposite direction. I couldn't help but chuckle at how different things had become in such a short time. I guess she really did care more about Seth than anything else.
I walked over to him and sat down in the sand. He hesitated for a moment before joining me. I didn't say anything yet, but pulled him up against me, savoring his warmth. He nuzzled into my chest and we released a heavy sigh at the same time.
"I'm sorry I pushed you away" I whispered.
"Let's just forget about it" he said, melting into me. "Just let me be there for you."
And with that, I knew that we'd be alright. We sat there, watching the ocean and basking in each other's presence. We lost track of time in the comfortable silence and I was surprised when the sun began to set over the water.
"Guess we should head out before it gets dark. Do you have patrols tonight?" I asked.
"No…Leah took them for me today." He said with a laugh.
I smiled at the thought. I really was starting to like this new relationship with Leah.
"Want to come home with me? I'd love to have you over tonight." I asked, knowing that he probably felt the same need to be near me that I did for him.
His smile as we stood up was answer enough. We walked back up the beach, my arm slung over his shoulders. When we got in, I made a tower of sandwiches and Seth and I devoured them. We held each other all night and I slept peacefully with Seth pressed up against my chest. The knowledge that my mom was gone still hurt, but I felt like the worst was over. With Seth, I could get through anything.
It was a few days before I rejoined the pack. Winter break had started, and the school had given me a leave until after the holidays. I startled everyone by walking into the pack meeting with Seth by my side. Embry ran over and pulled me into a hug. "It's good to see you, too" I joked.
"Glad to see you moving about Paul." Sam said, hesitating before continuing on. "It couldn't have come at a better time."
"What's going on?" I asked, noting the tone of his voice.
"I just got a call from one of the Cullens. The Seattle deaths that have been on the news recently are related, just like we feared. We're not sure when, but there's an army coming." He explained. "We've agreed to help the leeches, so next week we'll be working with them to figure out a plan to defend the land." He concluded.
I nodded, but couldn't help to be worried. Why did things always have to be so complicated?
There, that one was a little bit lighter. At least in the middle. The song title for this chapter was Shinedown's "What A Shame." It talks about the pain that life can bring, which Paul knows all too well by now. Hope you're at least not mad at me this time Matt hehe. Once again, I appreciate any reviews that you all decide to leave!
