December 9th

I have gone behind enemy lines. Duty calls.

During feeding time at the jailhouse, I interrupted Fitz's conversation with a hot freshman ("Oh my God, are you British?" "Cheers, love!") and pushed him over to the salad bar.

"Darling, if you wanted me that much," Fitz beamed, "You should have told me ages ago! Pip pip!"

"Fitz, you are not that British," I reminded him with a scowl. He shrugged happily and pointed over to the freshman he'd just been talking to. "Lisa seemed to think differently."

"Well, Lisa has an IQ of 2 but that's not the point." My emotions were getting away from me. Focus, Bennet. You can do this. You have the ammunition, the big guns, and Air Control just sent a drone out to save you. Rephrase and redirect. "Your cousin is a freak."

Okay, maybe not so much with the emotional control.

He threw his head back and did the laugh/snort combo he is so fond of.

"Fitz," I whined, "It's serious! First he threatened me and then he was nice!"

Still chuckling (STILL CHUCKLING), he patted me on the head and offered me his carrot.

"What is going on with your crackhead family?" I growled at him. "Why is the whole Darcy clan on drugs? Didn't you hear me? He was nice to me! After, might I add, being a total ass and going all Fight Club on my ass. Is there some secret code that I don't know about? A prank maybe?" Oh, God. Was this because I had turned down the rugby team? "Is this because I said I didn't want to go on a date with the rugby team? I take it all back! I'll go out with one of them! Hell, I'll go out with all of them if it means that he'll stop. And what about the smiling? That has to be illegal or something, maybe he's found a new type of crack that only he knows about and he's going to be some up-and-coming drug dealer or-"

Fitz looked at me fondly. "You're cute when you get worried. It's like seeing a baby possum shit itself."

And with that, he walked away, chuckling madly to himself.

A few seconds after that

Honestly, it's a miracle that I haven't lost it completely.

I mean, really.

Also.

I do not look like a baby possum.

Still same stupid day

Mr. Michaels decided to let me off probation from P.E., on account of my accidental attack on his groin, which happened over a month ago and only caused minor swelling to the damage site, so you're welcome, but whatever.

There are almost too many role models here at Longbourn High. Well done, teacher's union.

"Bennet," he informed me while smoothing back his (two) strands of hair, "I think you've transformed beautifully."

In confusion, I looked down at the required uniform of crap Longbourn High gym clothes. Due to the continued harassment from my BritLit seatmate Marcus the Hair Rapist ("Hey sweet thang, shake that booty!") I've ditched the body-con dresses and now go to school armed with 4 inch boots and pepper spray.

He continued, "You're no longer so angry," and added a significant eyebrow raise, as if to hint at my past involvement with the colorful local gang.

"Ah." I added, punctuating my philosophical ruminations with an eyebrow raise of my own.

"Glad we had this talk." More hair smoothing, followed by a prolonged eyebrow raise.

I couldn't help it. "Mr. Michaels?"

"Yes?" He asked smugly, no doubt thinking of the respect he's gained from the school for saving Lizzie Bennet, troubled student and ex-mugger, from the travesties of gang life in the state of New York.

"I think your hair wants to grow, but just can't," I said, and promptly earned myself another month on the bench.

Ah, the Throne of Dignity. How I've missed thee.

2:35 in the afternoon, written during that hellhole known as U.S. History

I would like to complain to the school about the need to have soccer games. Or even a team at all, really.

I mean, how much does it add to our school spirit to see a bunch of uncoordinated, unattractive and extremely short boys charging about the fields? Honestly, when I see the captain of the Shorties Squad running around school, it makes me sick. Really, I can taste the vomit in my mouth right now.

The captain, also known as one William Darcy, is an example of why coordinated sports are such a sham. For this Mr. Darcy is not, as the school board will have you believe, an upstanding citizen of Longbourn High. He is actually a lunatic, prone to breaking personal space bubbles and the like.

Also, he has a thing for pushing certain students, such as one Elizabeth Bennet, up against walls. And breathing on her. Among other things.

As a completely objective third-party observer, I would also like to add that his mouth is horrendous, and should be made illegal. Better yet, I would like him to undergo plastic surgery of the face and body so that he can be fully contained as a threat to human society.

So yes, I think that my point about the captain has been made thoroughly well. He is a maniacal beast, extremely short, extremely ugly, and has a bad mouth.

Yes.

Point made.

Immediately after U.S History

Must get notes from someone who did not spend class writing an angry letter to the imaginary court of law in high school.

Must not sit by window during said class, because that is when the soccer team has its games.

Also must remember that the Village Idiot has bad hair that is not luscious like a Pantene commercial.

I have no friends

Just rang Fitz up to start Round Two of Operation Darcy Containment, only to find that Fitz has also found the stash of drugs, as the conversation consisted solely of Fitz crooning "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" (no) to me in Spanish.

Except Fitz doesn't know Spanish, so it had that added entertainment value.

I hung up on him after the third verse, and then proceeded to spend the next hour screaming silently into my pillows.

I really need a panic room.

8:00 at the oasis, hahahahhaha

Over dinner, I told Maia about my theory that the world is out to get me and/or the dream is collapsing.

"Think about it," I waved my fork around in the air, a few strands of spaghetti flying off and hitting my father in the face, "This is exactly what Christopher Nolan was talking about." When she just reached for her water, I repeated, "Exactly."

The Siamese Twins broke off their conversation about whether they needed ass replacements and said, "Oh my God, Lizzie, you can't just say things like that if you don't mean them."

Hold up. On what alternate universe do the Siamese Twins know about Christopher Nolan?

"Do either of you know who Christopher Nolan is?" Maia demanded. They looked at each other. Lindsay rolled her eyes, "Uh, duh. He's that dude who knew that guy that was really hot and tragic."

My father poked his head up from his end of the table. "Ah, yes, girls: Batman. A classic. One of my preferred films to watch, whenever I'm in a cinema verité mood."

"Coucher avec moi ce soir!" My mother chimed in with a shimmy. "Je veux te voir-"

"I WANT YOUR LOVING," screamed Kat and Lindsay.

Maia ignored them and said, "Lizzie, you're being dramatic. Maybe he's decided to be nice to you."

"But it's Darcy," I replied. "Since when has he decided to be nice to anyone?"

My God, this day will not end

Gia called around nine, and I apologized for a good ten minutes before she finally told me to shut up.

"Bitch, you're not that important," she said. A pause. Then I started laughing and she started laughing and I told her about the disturbing developments in the Bennet household, namely that my mother apparently knows how to speak French now and my father watches foreign films.

"Oh, God."

"I know," I winced. "All that culture."

She laughed and then became quiet. "Lizzie?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember when school had just started and we were dancing around to Mamma Mia in the art room? I miss that."

I sighed, "Me too. Everything was easier then." Is it appropriate to add in the bit where I hated your brother's guts and he hated mine? Or is that more of a third call conversation?

"My brother wants to add that he's sorry if he offended you."

I choked on the orange juice I was drinking. "What? Gia? Is he there? What did he say? Not that I'm affected by it or anything-"

"Lizzie-"

"I mean, I'm affected by global warming and the world melting but-"

"He has problems expressing his emotions," Gia said seriously, and I could picture that look on her face. "Once he threw up because he was so happy."

"…That's gross."

"Tell me about it, I had to clean it up. What I'm trying to say is that he's made a mess of things-"

"You can say that," I muttered darkly and glared at the calendar of puppies on the wall. I hate those damn golden retrievers.

"But," she added, "So have you. And in his own way, he's trying to apologize."

"Apologize."

"Yeah. Maybe you can, you know, let him off the hook?"

"Is he being nice to me because he's trying to apologize for being an emotional fucktard, or is he being nice to me for other reasons?"

A pause. "I have to go."

"Gia."

"See you at school!"

The line went dead.

I hate the Darcy's.

December 10th

You know, it just goes to show you that being in a gang is actually highly beneficial, because if I were in a gang, I could have hired them to beat up the Darcy's and then I'd be clear of this mess.

Except I'd probably be sued, but that's a minor detail.

BritLit was its usual charming self. The Village Idiot winked at me during our discussion on Bleak House, but I think his eye has severe twitching problems, because he did it again as we were leaving class.

"Why, Miss Eliza!"

Yeah, guess who.

"You!" I shrieked to the Crack Whore who was dressed in her daily finery of a crop top, mini skirt and wedges. "Look great!"

She smirked at me. "I've heard that you and Ben Wickham are no longer, uh, as intimate you used to be."

"Well," I paused, taking my time, "It's so hard to keep the flame alive once you've already lit it. You of all people must understand that."

"I completely- wait what?"

I'd like to say that I am above this. "Well, you and Darcy." Okay. Guess not.

"What are you implying?" She hissed.

"Nothing, nothing!" I beamed and stepped out of her way. "Don't mind me."

French was an absolute disaster on account of the fact that Mrs. Allen's subscription of Cosmo hadn't arrived, so she actually decided to teach us some verb conjugations.

Mr. Gent was out sick from Math, and Joey, Luke and Matt led our class in a glorious rendition of "We Shall Overcome" with accompaniment provided by the old radiators. Ah, the joys of music.

During painting, I tried to get more out of Gia on the subject of the Village Idiot, but she just smiled and said, "You have to talk to him," so I threw clay at her instead.

Is it just me, or am I becoming more violent as I get older? Must investigate this inverse relationship someday, when I actually care.

After Bio

Well, that was strange.

After lunch I walked to Bio, and ho and behold, there was my partner de jour (more like ans but c'est la vie) Captain Obvious.

BUT LISTEN TO THIS:

Standing next to him was Eva. Eva. The girl he dumped because she wasn't girlfriend material.

He was talking and she was listening very intently; I could make out the words "Shithead" and "bowling ball" before Eva spotted me.

"Lizzie!" She said very loudly. Nate turned and gave a faint wave, which I returned.

"What's cracking?" I asked in a bad British accent. Fitz is really rubbing off on me.

Eva glanced at Nate and announced, "He's not a dick, Lizzie. At least- not anymore."

He smiled at her, and she grinned.

"Excellent," I said.

OH GOD THIS MEANS A RETURN TO CONVERSATIONS LIKE THIS:

Nate: "Hey, Eva!"

Eva: "Hey, Nate!"

Nate: "How are you?"

Eva: "I'm good, how are you?"

Nate: "I'm fine. Better than fine."

Eva: (giggle)

Nate: (giggle)

SOMEONE SAVE ME.

I rearranged the look of horror on my face and continued, "I'll see you after school, Eva," adding a pointed look at Nate so that she would know that I would kill her unless she told me everything. Of course, because no one else speaks Spy Code like I do, she misinterpreted it and asked me if I was having a mental breakdown.

"Not at all!" I shouted and pulled Nate into class with me. "I'll see you later!"

The rest of class was spent listening to Mr. Sampson lecture on RNA replication, during which I tried to formulate my thoughts.

Rational Lizzie argued: Nate's still a dick! He broke up with her for no reason!

Irrational Lizzie returned: But she said he isn't, and really, isn't that what matters more?

Rational Lizzie glowered: She's too damn pretty to know better.

Irrational Lizzie snapped: Judgmental much?

I told the Lizzie's in my head to shut up. As I was leaving, Nate stopped me and said, "Look, I know you have a lot of reasons why you wouldn't like me. Or trust me. I get it. I screwed up big time, and right now, all I want is Eva back." He looked at me very seriously and added, "I miss her."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you broke up with her."

He grimaced. "I'm an asshole."

"Pretty much," I said, but this time I laughed. "Aren't you so lucky, Captain Obvious?"

Nate groaned and leaned down to pick up his notes. "What is it with you and nicknames?"

"It's my own personal crack," I told him. He raised his eyebrows in response, and that's when I decided to run with this sudden friendship with Captain Obvious. "Why is Darcy acting so strange lately?"

"You mean why was he dating my sister?"

I replied, "Well yes, but-"

Wait-

Was dating his sister?

As in, no longer?

As in, legally allowed to flirt with whomever he wants?

Nate and I were walking down the hall from the science block to the junior's lockers, so I couldn't exactly break into my Can't Touch This dance routine. BUT THIS WAS MAJOR NEWS.

"Why was he dating her, exactly?" My voice cracked in excitement. I am a gossip whore.

"Well…" He paused and scratched his neck. "You really want to know?"

"Sure, why not." Blasé is best when looking for information. I have learned from Kat and Lindsay's repeated viewings of Gossip Girl.

"Will was kind of why I broke up with Eva," he said slowly. "He didn't trust her, didn't think that she was, I don't know, right for me or something. But once I broke up with her, I realized exactly how stupid I'd been, and eventually, he realized that too." Here he looked at me and said, "I actually think it was because of something you said to him."

I tried not to look smug and/or terrified that the Village Idiot talked to Captain Obvious about me. Nate continued, "So after I kicked his ass, I said that if he really wanted to show me he was sorry, he should date Veronica."

Sweet baby Jesus. I stopped in the hallway, jaw dropped. "You dared him to date your own sister?"

"Basically," he admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Damn, Bingley," I swore. "Never let me get on your bad side."

So now I am a huge fan of ½ of the Bingley family, and I would totally support anything he plans to do for world domination of obviousness.

4:05

Caught up with Eva on the way home and it is official: the Gigglers are back together! Huzzah!

"I'm so happy, Lizzie," she told me as we crossed the street.

"I'm happy you're happy," I responded. She smiled and said, "I'm not a pushover, you know."

"I know." She isn't, actually. She's just Eva.

"So we're all good? You're not going to call my boyfriend a dick anymore?"

"….okay."

She giggled in response.

Giggles: the sound of the universe reorienting itself.


Author's Note:

That's the sound of progress, my friends. The sweet sound of typing and no sleep.

We're almost at the end!

Last night I watched Inception for the third time and my mind is still reeling. I love it. And now I'm planning an Inception/Pride & Prejudice crossover.

The geek in me is shooting lasers in excitement.