"What do you think it's like? On the other side?" Rose asked Mason. He seemed to be able to 'feel' their destination more than she could.
"Peaceful," he said immediately. "Nothing to stress or worry about."
He looked at her shrewdly where she sat, absently playing with the laces on her shoes. Rose was wondering whether peaceful would be the same as boring but didn't want to say it to Mason. Looking around, she looked for something else to discuss.
"Hey! This isn't what I died in, this time. Have I been wearing this the whole time?" Rose suddenly asked, looking down at the clothes she was wearing. Blue jeans, a black button-up long sleeved top, and converse. Mason wasn't to know it, but it was what she'd been wearing the night she was in the Dragomir crash.
"Yeah. Do they mean something to you?"
"Maybe. They're the clothes I was wearing when I died with the Dragomirs," Rose explained. Now she thought about it; Mase was wearing what he'd died in.
"Maybe it's a sign? You died once but were brought back. Maybe this is death's way of telling you you've been living on borrowed time?" Mason suggested.
"Borrowed time," Rose mused. It had kind of felt like that. Everything since the crash had happened so fast; it almost felt like she was trying to cram a lifetime into a few short years. But did she have to? Borrowed time suggested every moment was precious. To be treasured. If what Adrian and Dimitri had talked about were true, she had a choice whether or not to go onwards. An opportunity to continue these precious moments with the people she loved.
"Are you thinking of going back?" Mason asked.
"What makes you sure I can?" Rose deflected.
"Your body is still alive – you have something to go back to," he said pensively.
He was right. She did have something to go back to. People to go back to, too.
"Do you have regrets?" she asked Mason. "Things you would have liked to do before you died?" She was thinking about her own list.
"Well, I'd rather have not died a virgin," Mason laughed. "But other than that I'm cool."
Rose chuckled. Even in the afterlife, at least she'd have that over him!
"You?"
"I wish I'd met my father. Mom said he was planning to get in touch when I was eighteen."
"What do you think he'd be like?" Mason pondered.
"I don't know. Mom said he was a powerful man, so I guess he must be pretty strong willed?"
"Do you think they still love each other?"
"I don't know," Rose replied sadly to herself. "I guess I never will."
They were silent together for a while. Mason opened his mouth, and Rose knew he was about to suggest it was time to move on, so she quickly interjected, "They're all there at my bedside, now. I think they're gathering to say goodbye."
They were all there; Janine, Alberta, Lissa, Christian, Adrian, and Eddie were talking when Dimitri walked in, seating himself on the bed beside her.
"She's going to delete the video and release me from my allocation," he said to the group. "It's breakfast time, and I know most of you haven't eaten. I was wondering if I could have some time alone with Rose? There are things I'd like to tell her."
Janine nodded, standing up. "Let's give them their privacy," she said, coming over to kiss Rose's forehead. "Don't fuck this up," Janine growled at Dimitri, and Rose had to laugh at the shocked look on her Russian God's face. Her mother was right; everyone had said their piece bar Dimitri, and if anyone was likely to convince her to come back, it was him.
The others left promising to return in half an hour. As soon as they departed, Dimitri turned off the lights and climbed into bed next to her. He must be exhausted; the others had had some sleep, but he'd been awake since he'd arrived. Looking at the two of them from above, she could see the tension start to leave him as he pulled himself carefully against her, nuzzling into her long dark hair.
There were creases at the corners of his eyes; he looked so young and worried yet so old and tired at the same time. "Alone at last, milaya," he murmured, giving her a lingering kiss on the cheek, and oh so carefully wrapping an arm around her, careful not to catch on her IV line. He'd held her that way the night they'd shared together in the cabin - even in their sleep, they'd been unwilling to let one another go.
"I don't know how much you've been following the conversations, but I hope you're here with me now? I have so much to apologize for, but the biggest thing I'm sorry about is not trusting you. Tasha saw us that morning in the gym and videoed us. She went to Alberta and told her about us, and that afternoon Alberta said she knew about us and asked me to seek another allocation. I was so stressed. All I could think about was that I'd ruined your life. I could see your career, your reputation going down the toilet, all because of me. It seemed so logical at the time, but looking back now I can see I panicked. I should have told you. We should have talked about it! Even if I'd still left to guard Tasha for three months, you would have known why. You would have known that I still love you with everything I am."
He was stroking her arm gently, and closing her eyes Rose could almost feel it.
"But I panicked. All I could think about is keeping you safe. I didn't want you to be harmed, but by trying to protect you, instead I did the worst thing I could do - I made you doubt my love for you. I'm sorry, Roza. Together we would have figured it out and avoided so much pain. I told you we didn't have a future, but I was wrong. There's plenty of ways we can have a future together if you still want that? Tasha is filing the papers to release me from my allocation to her, and Adrian's offered me an allocation until graduation. I'd be able to stay on campus and not be a member of Academy staff. It's not ideal, but we could be together, and if people figured it out, we'd not be breaking any rules. Plus I have a lot of leave, so we could maybe head off campus for a few weekends just the two of us?
"After graduation, if you still want to guard Lissa, I could maybe guard Christian? They're going to uni together, which means we'd see each other all the time. We could even live together if you wanted to? I know it's still early to be thinking about that, but in six months time when they start uni, you might want to? Or we could live separately and date? Or if you don't want to by a guardian, we could go out into the human world? We're both young and healthy. Millions of humans manage it – I am sure we could make a life out there together if that's what you want? We could spend time in Russia? Or you could spend time with your father?"
Rose could hear the fear in his voice, see the way he was squeezing his eyes shut, trying to prevent himself from breaking down.
"Whatever you want - if you come back, I promise I'll do my best to make it happen. Even if you don't want to be with me, if you can't trust me again, I promise I'll respect your wishes and stay away if that's what you want. I just can't live in a world without you in it, Roza! I never thought I'd fall in love, but I have, and it's you. You said you love me, with all your heart, and that you were always going to. Please give us the chance to be together again!"
Dimitri stopped for a moment, kissing the side of her cheek and then her lips gently. His tears were falling on her cheeks, and licking her lips, she wondered whether she imagined their salty taste.
"I know you might be worried about coming back, but it's all sorted. The students don't know what happened and Alberta's going to have the word spread that you were knocked unconscious in a training accident. Your father is due here in a few hours, and your mother said he's planning to stay for as long or as little as you want but he really wants to get to know you. I know you and I have things to talk about, too, so if you're willing to give me a chance, I thought I could ask Alberta if we could go back to the cabin for a few days? I know I need to rebuild trust with you, whether you take me back or not, but if you give me even the tiniest chance, I'll prove to you that I love you. That I always have, and I always will. Just come back, milaya? Please?"
Dimitri was rocking her back and forth softly.
"There are so many things I want to share with you. I want to take you on a proper date. I want to surprise you with flowers. I want to fall asleep with you and wake up side by side again. I want to see you graduate and start your career. I want to go on holiday with you. Cook you breakfast. Have a bath together. I want to make love with you again; learn all the secrets of your body and have you learn mine. I want to go dancing and to cuddle on a sofa and watch a romantic movie. I want to take you to Siberia while you're alive milaya! I want to introduce you to my family. And one day, if you say yes, I want to marry you; for you to wear my ring and me yours. There's so much to look forward to – come back and share it with me? Share it with your family and your friends; they need you too."
Rose was cradled in Dimitri's arms as he was placing gentle kisses on her forehead, cheek and in her hair.
"Come back to me, baby? I promise you I'll make it worth your while… I know you told Mason you'd go with him, but it's ok to change your mind. If you want to come back to everyone who loves you, he'll understand. And if you want to go with him, then I understand, too. But I hope you don't. I need you, milaya. You're everything to me."
She'd never seen Dimitri beg. Not like this. He was always the strong one, but not today. He looked lost. He looked the way she'd felt when he'd left her. And she knew how bad that felt.
"Have they said their goodbyes?" Mason asked, pulling her attention back to where he was.
"Almost. Dimitri's saying his goodbye now."
"He came?"
"He's been there the whole time, Mason. He was already on his way back to the Academy when they found me."
"What's he saying?" Mason asked with a hard edge to his voice.
Rose shrugged. "Everything you can imagine; that he loves me, that he needs me. That he made a huge mistake and he's sorry."
"And you're thinking about going back to him?! Christ, Rose! From what you said, the guy gave you the runaround for months. Then he takes you away for a dirty weekend, and as soon as you're back to reality he dumps you to take off with another woman! Why did he even bother coming back? It didn't work out with Tasha so he thought he'd come back and that you'd just be waiting for him?!"
"Someone found out about us. Alberta told him to get a new allocation…"
"So he ran at the first sign of trouble? How could you ever trust him again?! You need a man that you can rely on. A man who puts you first, even if that means giving up his life for yours."
Rose flinched. It was the first time Mason had named the price he'd paid for loving her, and her guilt was almost overwhelming.
"I love you, Rose. And unlike Belikov, I didn't run. When you needed me I was there!"
"I didn't ask you to do that, Mase."
"You didn't have to!" he growled.
Rose closed her eyes. He was right – he had been there because of her. Not just the house when he'd come back, he'd been in Spokane in the first place because she'd told him about it. No matter how she tried to reconcile it in her mind, whether she'd asked him to or not, Mason had died because of her.
"I'm sorry, Mase. I really am." Her voice was weak and thin.
He shrugged. "It's time to go. Are you ready?"
Rose looked at him, unable to form the right words in her mouth.
"You are still coming, aren't you?" he asked warily.
She nodded her head sadly. Now the time was here, she wasn't certain she wanted to go with Mason, but she owed him. And while she knew it was the right thing to do, part of her wanted to meet her Dad, to get back to where she should be with Lissa and spend more time with her Mom. She wanted to graduate, start working as a guardian and finally have her own money and independence.
And all of this, she wanted to share with Dimitri. He was worried that she might not forgive him, but she already had. He'd made a stupid decision out of fear, but he'd never stopped loving her – and she could forgive him almost anything, provided he still loved her.
Funnily enough, it had been Adrian who'd made her see that. She'd said forgiving Dimitri wasn't that simple, but Adrian was right. It was.
She slipped away from Mason, floating above her body for a final look at her Russian God. Exhaustion had caught up with him, and he'd fallen asleep, her body carefully wrapped in his arms, his lips pressed against her temple. As she looked at his face, her mind ran through all his many facial expressions. Pride when she'd beat him sparring for the first time, his mistrust when he knew she was up to something, the twinkle in his eyes when he let his guard down and laughed. She would see his exasperated expression, his exhausted expression but the one which she could imagine best was his loving expression. The one he only ever gave to her.
She couldn't imagine how this was going to affect him. The pain it would cause. In her letter she'd begged him to move on with his life, to find someone else and be happy. But she knew he wouldn't. Above all else her Comrade was faithful; it was one of the things she most loved about him. She knew if she did this, she'd be condemning him to a life of regret and loneliness because as much as she didn't blame him, she knew he'd never forgive himself.
"We need to go, Rose," Mason said. "It's getting harder and harder to stay."
He held out his hand, and already Rose could see he was fading a little. She gave Dimitri a final look, a tear slipping from her eye as she placed her hand in Mason's. On the bed below her, she could see a tear sliding down her cheek, unseen by her sleeping Russian God.
The light around she and Mason started to grow brighter, but her attention was on the bed below her. The machinery attached to her body started to alarm; her vital signs were becoming erratic. Dimitri woke immediately, shouting for Dr. Olendzki.
When he stepped back from the bed as the doctor and her staff piled in, Rose could see her Russian God was crying. He was speaking rapidly in Russian, and it took her a moment or two to realize he was praying. The light surrounding Rose was getting brighter still and the scene beneath her fading.
"We're nearly there," Mason said soothingly, rousing her from her observations.
She wasn't sure! It was time, and she still wasn't certain! She wrenched her hand from Mason's grasp, unwilling to go any further from her body. Any further from Dimitri.
"Please, Roza? I need you! I love you! Come back to me, milaya," she heard Dimitri beg. His voice was filled with pain. He was next to her bed, his hand tightly holding hers as Dr. Olendzki ineffectually tried to stabilize her body.
"Rose? I can't hold this back! It's taking me, now! I love you, and you said we'd do this together? That I wouldn't have to make this journey alone?" It was Mason; he was holding his hand out to her even as he faded. He sounded desperate.
Rose looked back and forth between Dimitri and Mason. There was no winning here. No matter who she chose, someone she loved would end up suffering. She couldn't bring herself to look at Mason. Dimitri either. So she closed her eyes and looked deep within herself. She was tired but more than anything she wanted to feel safe.
Whispering an apology so faintly only she could hear it, she thanked him. Thanked him for giving her his love, no matter what. She apologized for leaving him and promised she would always love him - that he would always be in her heart. And then she said goodbye; making the decision in her mind and willing it to be so.
-00- The End Part One -00-
