Lateness: The reason is because my computer is going to die and I haven't been on it at all since Monday or something, so this is the first time I'm actually on it since and it's gonna die. So if I don't update until AFTER Christmas, I have valid reasons.
"Sometimes, I see colors in my sleep. It's nice, but when I see red, I wake up and know something is wrong. And in the end, there is."
-Carslee
Chapter 11: Miscarriage?
Date: June 8th, 2010
POV: Edward
Author's POV:
I'm really happy with this chapter.
My Bella
I ran into the bathroom and opened the door. "Bella! What happened?!"
"I-I-I don't know!" She says, crying now.
I get her out the bathtub and get her a dress and take her to the hospital. She's crying and holding her belly. I really hope it wasn't a miscarriage... Out of all things, a miscarriage would ruin it for us both. The doctors took her in and told me to answer some questions. I didn't wanna leave Bella's side.
"Has she been drinking or doing drugs?" He begins.
"No." I tell him, worried. Hoping that someone would tell me Sierra and Bella are okay..
"Has she had any sex since her pregnancy?" He asks now, marking it down in a clipboard.
"She can't even walk up the stairs, why would we have sex?!" I ask, angry.
"Mr. Cullen, calm down. We need to know so we can figure out how to help her and the baby." He tells me.
I put my hands on my head and took a deep breath. "No, we didn't." I say.
"Okay, did she do anything that could hurt the baby before today?"
"No."
"Did she get scared?"
"No."
"Did anything happened that would make her really stressed out?"
"Our family stopped talking to us, but she has other people she can talk to.. so.. no.."
"Any arguments lately?"
"No."
"Alright.." He looks at me. "Did you have a hard time conceiving?"
"Yes." I say, sad.
"Hmm.. interesting.. Maybe it's preeclampsia.." He sighs and looks at a nurse. "Well?"
The woman sits next to me. "We think she lost the baby and we need to get it out as soon as possible."
I get up and go to Bella's room. She sobbing into the pillow. Gosh, she heartbroken..
Losing a baby is probably the worst thing that can happen to anyone.. Ever. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Never.
I walked to her and she looks at me and sits up and I hug her. She hugs me back and starts crying again. "Bella.. I'm sorry."
She continues crying and sniffles in my shoulder. "It's not your fault.. It's mine."
"No, it's not."
"Yes it is.. Stupid me.. I was thinking too much and-"
I pull away and look at her. "It's not your fault." I say, kissing her forehead and letting her cry in my shoulder again.
They removed the baby and we held our Sierra. Bella says she even looked like a Sierra, not an Elizabeth. She was so still and pale.. She looked so peaceful. We called our families to break the news to them and we left the hospital.
Alice and Jacob were there to comfort us, but Jonah's presence didn't make it better. I promised Bella that we would try again this summer.
Date: July 4th, 2010
I held Bella's hand as we walked to the park to watch fireworks. She loved doing this ever since I met her. She did this all the time with her parents, so I wanted to take her today. Alice and Jacob were there with Jonah. Alice and Bella walked around while Jacob, Jonah and I all sat, talking.
"She seems different. How is she taking this?" He asks me, Jonah playing with his hand.
I sigh. "She's not eating as much.. Sometimes, she sits in the nursery and stares at the empty crib, sits in the rocking chair, and she tore down some of the decorations.." I look at him, sad.
"Alice wants to take her to the spa so she can kinda relax.. Do you mind?"
"No, she can take her. Doesn't matter. I think it might help.." I sigh. "She's also had more nightmares.. And she's been so quiet.."
"Is she depressed?" He asks, raising his eyebrow.
"I don't even know anymore.. She's not my Bella.. She's just someone else.. She stopped caring, she stopped laughing or smiling.. She only cries and stares out the window, of the nursery.."
"Poor girl.." He frowns. "Alice says she hasn't seen her this sad since you showed up in her life, which is since he broke up with her.."
I took a deep breath. It's true. She's always happy when she's around me, not being selfish or anything either..
After the fireworks, I walked Bella back home. She looked worse than before we went there. I didn't want to get her upset, so I let her be. When we get home, she goes straight upstairs. I sigh and go to the kitchen and look around. This is where we could be feeding our baby right now.. Or making food for her.. I looked at the phone as it rang and I picked it up. "Hello?"
"Edward? I need to talk to you." Esme says, sad.
"Mom? What's wrong?" I ask, sitting down.
She sighs. "Edward," She started crying.
"Mom? Tell me what's wrong!" I say, looking at the table and my hand.
"Edward, I have cancer." She says, sad.
"W-w-what?" I stand up and stand by the sink.
"Don't worry, I have to go into surgery and get it removed. It was an early detection, so no biggy."
I sigh and put my hand on my face. "Anything else?" Too much has happened this year.
"How's Bella? We haven't heard from you guys in a while.."
I sit back down. "She's.." I couldn't even get out what I wanted to say. "Doing worse.."
"Sorry Edward, we don't have to talk about it.."
I heard screaming upstairs. "Mom, I have to go." I tell her.
"Okay, I love you."
"Yeah, love you too." I hang up and run upstairs. Bella's clutching the pillow and screaming into it. "Bella, Bella, it's okay." I take her hand and shake her.
She opens her eyes and looks at me. I look at her and she looks lost. Her eyes showed how she was doing. She was sad and hurt. She looks away and puts her head back down, breathing heavily.
"Bella," I sigh and stroke her cheek. "What's wrong? Is it about the miscarriage or something else?"
She shakes her head and pulls her hand away and looks at me for a brief second. She looks away and sighs.
I sit her up and look at her. She looked weak. Her skin was pale and her bones showed. "You have to talk to me, Bella.. I don't read minds.."
She looked down and I saw a tear fall off her face.
I pulled her into my arms and she puts her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, Bella.."
She sniffles and puts her arms around me. "Help me.." She whimpers.
I rock her in my arms and sing to her, hoping she'd calm down.
Date: August 12th, 2010
Bella looked at me when she woke up. Her perfect eyes moved around and stayed on me.
"Morning, Bella." I say, stroking her cheek.
She moved herself into my arms and laid on my chest and sighed. I moved my fingers through her hair.
"Anything you wanna talk about?" I ask, kissing her head.
"I'm sorry Edward.." Her voice cracked. "I've been so sad lately.. I haven't been the best wife.."
"Not true, Bella.. You're just sad. I know what that's like. You feel like you have to shut everyone out and you think that helps.. Bella, you can cry anytime you want. If you want something, I'll give it to you." I tell her. "I love you."
She started crying and I kissed her head and waited for it to stop. Then, she pulls away. "I love you too." She looks at me and then puts her head down on the pillow.
"Are you hungry?" I ask, stroking her cheek and wiping the last of her tears.
"Yeah.. Will you make some of your special pancakes?" She looks at me and she bites her lip.
"Of course." I kiss her head and get up.
"Thank you." She says softly. I walk downstairs to the kitchen and make three pancakes. I make myself an omelet and I look at the door and Bella stands there, looking down.
"Are you okay?" I ask, looking at her.
She looks at me and shakes her head. "My stomach hurts.."
"You're probably just really hungry.." I put the plate on the table and she sits down. I sit with my food and we both eat.
"Edward? Can I ask you something?" She looks at me and I look at her. "How come you didn't leave me?"
"I can't leave you for being sad, Bella. It makes no sense." I tell her and I give her a smile. "I do miss a lot of things about you though.. Your blush, your smile, your stuttering.. And your voice especially.."
She sighs and bites her lip. "I miss being happy.. And being pregnant."
"I know you do. I can see it in your eyes that you're still hurting. Jacob and Alice worry about you too." I tell her, frowning now.
"I know.. Alice wanted to take me to a spa.. I was thinking of going.. But.." She sighs. "I don't like being away from you.."
"I know you don't. But Alice wants you to be and feel happy. I do too."
She looks at her empty plate and sighs. "I know.."
"Bella, I'm not mad at you. I'm not upset at you either. I just feel bad." I say, standing up.
She nods and looks at me. "I know.. I know.." She looked sad. "I just wish this wasn't so complicated.."
I walked over to her and kissed her head and took her plate and threw it out. I heard her crying again and I look at her and her head is on the table. I walked back to her and sat down next to her, rubbing her back.
Date: August 13, 2010
Today's our first year anniversary. Bella wanted to go to her favorite restaurant, so I was gonna take her later. She and Alice went to the spa. Jacob and I watched Jonah.
Jonah was talking and crawling now. He's almost one. He even says my name. He says Bella's name too, but not very lately. He's such a daddy's boy. He looks so much like Alice though.
"So, you taking Bella out tonight?" Jacob asks.
"Yeah, to her favorite place.." I smile.
"Hope you two have fun. If you know what I mean.." He smirks and I laugh.
"Nah, if Bella doesn't wanna.. Only if she does.." I say before looking at Jonah. He watches us and he looked back at me and smiled. I smile back. "But I just want Bella to be happy." I look back at Jacob.
"I see." He smiles. "Little Jonah is still waiting on his playmate."
"He looks bored.." I say, agreeing. "A friend would make sense.."
He laughed. "You're a little bored aren't you, Jonah?"
He looked at Jacob and nodded.
"Wanna watch TV little guy?" I ask, turning it on.
"If you give him the remote, he's good to go." Jacob says, putting Jonah on his lap.
I give Jonah the remote and he smiles and presses a whole bunch of buttons.
Bella and Alice come home and Alice is just smiling, Bella looks a little happy, she looks at us and smiles. "We had fun today."
I'd just like to point out that Bella's miscarriage is an important part to the story and to the second or third book. So please don't yell at me.
~Gabby~
