/I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories/
Chapter Twelve
Trowa stood silently in the doorway of the hospital room, observing me. There were no words that could convey any portion of the emotion shredding my insides. My throat had closed on itself, making it hard to breathe. Even if I could have found words I could not have spoken them.
Why? Why had he said that?
'I hate you.'
I tensed where I sat with my back pushed against the headboard, knees curled to my chin. My stomach felt as if it had dropped out as the words echoed hollowly in my memory. I couldn't focus on anything. Everything blurred and wavered as my gaze slid around the room again.
He was really gone.
Trowa cleared his throat and entered. He dragged a chair with him as he walked, setting it backwards against the end of the cot. With an appraising glance he lay his arms on the back of the chair and rested his chin on them as he sat. I felt like he was looking right through me, as though he knew exactly what I was thinking.
"Rough night?"
"Shut up." I groaned. I buried my head in my arms as I folded them over my knees. "And no, I don't want to talk about it."
"Fair enough." He agreed neutrally, though I knew him well enough to predict that he wanted to understand what was going on in my brain. "Relena wants to know when to expect you."
I snorted, not bothering to look up. "She shouldn't." Fuck Relena. I didn't want to talk to her right now, either. I couldn't fathom what Duo had been fired up about earlier, but he seemed to think that it was her fault.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and alarms went off in my head like mad. I looked up, snapping a sharp glare in his direction. I received a sympathetically raised eyebrow accompanied by an immediate break in eye contact. "Not an option."
"What?" I growled.
"She spoke to Quatre and we all agreed that it would be best if you went to stay with her for a while. Until everyone calms down and this blows over."
Realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Calm down? How could I?! Behind my back they had agreed about my living arrangements. Duo must have heard before me. They couldn't have told him that I didn't know or he wouldn't have reacted so sourly. It all made twisted sense now. I had to correct his views before anything else went wrong.
"This won't blow over unless I go back and fix it." I began worriedly, uncurling and starting to get down from the bed. "I'm going to call him."
"It will have to wait." He stood to stop me and we both paused.
"Trowa-"
"Don't start." He warned. "Enough is enough. You two need a break from each other. He needs some adjustment time. You need some cooling off before you're ready for life. Besides, they just left so they won't be back yet."
I gave him a scathing glare but as usual got no reaction. After an intense scrutiny I decided that he wasn't going to back down about this. With a sigh I dropped my gaze to my hands. I would have to trust Trowa's judgment, at least for the time being.
"So I'm just supposed to go to Relena's and do nothing?" I whispered, "What about-"
"You can't do anything productive while injured. You can go back to Duo's when he says it's all right."
I choked on my protest. When he said it was all right? Had he said that it wasn't all right? When Quatre had dragged him out he still wanted to talk. I had to go back to the house and explain. I had to make up for everything. He still wanted that, right?
'Don't come back.'
He hadn't meant that.
'I run, I hide, but I never lie.'
Wasn't that his mantra?
'I hate you.'
Oh God.
I fell back against the flimsy hospital pillow, closing my eyes and containing a sob. Trowa sighed, a sound that brought a grimace to my face. He gently returned the chair to its original position. I heard the click of the phone and opened my eyes to see. Cradling the receiver between his ear and his shoulder, he dialed a number off a slip of paper he held.
"Who are you calling?" I demanded wearily.
"Noin. Then Relena."
I settled back with a roll of my eyes. Choice was not something I seemed to have anymore, especially not with anything pertaining to my life. The static crackle of the voice on the other end was audible even across the room. Trowa murmured agreement at the appropriate times before politely asking when I could leave.
I allowed my thoughts to wander away from my companion.
I couldn't believe this was happening. When had things gotten so royally screwed beyond recognition? The war had ended, just like everyone had always planned. We had survived, just like we had never planned. I should logically exist on my own terms. There was a certain measure of control over my life that I was supposed to be entitled to upon the final cease fire. So where was it?
Duo was gone.
He had walked out the very same door that stood so innocently to my right side, filtering a pale white glow into a rectangle on the floor. He wasn't coming back, at least not here. Apparently I wasn't going back to him, either. Time I didn't have was being neatly arranged in a pattern I didn't condone. There was only so short a period during which I would be able to talk Duo into forgiving me.
Yeah, forgiving me.
I thought about what he said the first time he stormed out of the room. Without someone telling me how to live I didn't know what to do with myself. I had been well trained to be a tool but I didn't learn much else. My lack of proper social skills had never deterred Duo from trying to teach me, trying to be my friend.
More than just a friend. My conscience reminded me.
Way more.
I didn't know what we were, honestly. Things always got so confused and Duo had always insisted that there were some things that couldn't be defined. He said they didn't need to be defined to exist.
It's true, I know that now.
During the war we had been defined. Afterwards… our definitions were stripped from us in a moment of poorly timed neglect. We had only one another left to define ourselves.
And now I didn't even have that.
Finally Trowa placed the phone back on its cradle and turned to me, catching my wandering attention. "Is tomorrow morning soon enough?"
I nodded glumly. Now that the excitement seemed to have passed, I was feeling an acute sense of fatigue. I knew the feeling was a result of blood loss coupled with the drugs they had given me. Already the bandages wrapped around my shoulder were slowly blossoming with blood red. All the throwing I had done must have stressed the stitches more than they could take. The doctors would be furious but I didn't have the energy to care.
Trowa turned back to the phone to make a second call.
I had to find something to focus on before I let myself drift off to sleep.
Lazy golden sunlight had crept into the room and onto the bed. The little clock on the wall declared that it was just past one in the afternoon.
When had I gotten here?
Everything seemed jumbled around. I was having trouble grasping any single thought for more than a few seconds. It was one now, and… how long had I been here? Seven hours of surgery, had Noin said? My shoulder throbbed as if to confirm the thought.
I listened blearily to Trowa talking on the phone, wondering if he had indeed called Relena. Fighting tooth and nail to stay awake, I rubbed at one of my eyes as it again threatened to close of its own accord. I attempted to ward off a yawn but failed miserably. It result in watery eyes and a deep wish to roll onto my side and sleep until everything had passed me by. Sheer will power was keeping me from doing just that as I waited to hear what was being decided.
Trowa hung up for the second time and sighed. "Pagan will come to collect you tomorrow morning."
I nodded and the world spun just a bit. I tried to tell Trowa that I wanted to call Duo before the morning, but it came out sounding garbled. I received an odd look before Trowa seemed to float out the door and disappear. I rolled over and allowed my eyes to close.
When I woke the sun was low in the sky but the air didn't feel like night. The light that filtered into my room was blue with dawn, not dusk. I closed my eyes again, trying to orient myself as the events of the previous day washed over me. Sorting through everything that needed to be sorted through was going to be incredibly difficult.
Luckily I didn't have to wait long before Trowa arrived. This time he was accompanied by a nurse who looked frightened out of her wits. She stepped gingerly across the room and picked up the tube of my saline IV as if it were going to come alive and nip her.
I took pity after several agonizing moments of watching and stopped her trembling hand with my own. She flinched, meeting my gaze with frightened eyes. I offered her a weary smile.
"I won't bite."
She stared at me a moment longer before slipping her hand from mine and breaking the stare. "I-I know, sir." Without much more difficulty she managed to insert the syringe into the valve to administer a dose of those damned drugs. "I'm n-new here and since the war is over I-I didn't expect-" She cut herself off and gave me a nervous smile. "You're a gundam pilot, aren't you?"
I felt like someone had twisted a knife into my chest at the thought.
Cold washed into my veins as the drug hit, drawing my attention to my arm before my mind could wander down that depressing road.
"No." I bit bitterly. I felt guilty when she cringed. "No," I explained in a softer tone, "Not anymore. No more war means no reason to pilot."
"Let's hope there won't be a reason ever again." She agreed gently, removing the syringe. "You're ready to go as soon as I get these out."
"They want you back in a week." Trowa informed me as the nurse began to remove the IV's. "Pagan's out front waiting."
My free hand fluttered to my shoulder suddenly, my eyes following. The bandages were clean and brilliantly white. They must have changed them sometime during the night. That also meant that they had drugged me first so that I wouldn't wake up and cause a fuss.
"All set!" The nurse proclaimed cheerfully. I could tell she was still nervous as she quickly excused herself from the room, leaving us alone.
I shrugged on my clothes, thankful that I still wore that old green tank top. My jeans presented more of a problem to put on with one hand. I hopped around the room on one foot, clad only in my tank top and boxers while trying. Trowa laughed for a good few minutes before relenting and coming to rescue me. I gave him a sour look as we finally walked out the door.
"Glad to see I amuse you."
"Heero, you don't amuse me." He snickered. "You doing the pants-dance amuses me."
I scowled.
Pagan was waiting silently outside the back door of Relena's car. She had decided to have it painted the less conspicuous color of a deep Prussian blue about a year ago. The pink had made the car a very distinguishable target, too unique for people to pass up taking a shot at. Duo suggested that she had ulterior motives for painting it the particular shade that she did. He said that it matched my eyes perfectly.
As neither Pagan nor I speak much, the ride was uneventful. The countryside rushed by outside my window but I wasn't really seeing it. I simply allowed myself to sink into the seat, resting my head against the back of it. My mind was curiously blank for most of the ride. If I thought of anything it was only of how tired I was.
Even though I had made it clear that I didn't expect to see Relena for a very long time, I hadn't even been away for a full week and already I'd be living with her again. Without even getting out yet I knew I was in trouble.
The manor was as beautiful as always. The original building had been destroyed almost a year ago and people from the surrounding cities had practically swarmed over offering to help rebuild. Now the manor lounged amongst the bright, sprawling grounds, a testament to the peoples' ability to unite and create even in dark times. I let my eyes roam over it to land on the lone figure on the front steps.
It was really the last thing I needed to see right then.
She was waiting for me, looking irritated and relieved at the same time. She is the only person I know who can successfully pull off those emotions in the same expression.
My eyes flew skyward in an instant of despair before I grasped the door handle and clambered out. She shouted something to me the moment I was free of the car but I didn't catch what. I didn't really want to deal with her, not when I was angry. I started for the manor, brushing past her without a greeting.
She struck out and grabbed my good arm, yanking backwards to effectively halt my progress. I winced, remembering that I had taught her how to stop someone by doing just that. With a weary sigh I turned to face her, presenting an irritated glare.
"What?"
"Don't you take your pissy mood out on me, Heero." She ordered tersely. "I think I'm entitled to a polite greeting. At the very least."
I gingerly pulled my wrist from her grasp and was fixed with a glare that rivaled my own. She had learned much from knowing our group of pilots. Unfortunately for me, everything the war had put her through had made her unafraid to use that knowledge.
"Hello Miss Relena." I bit with distaste.
"Allow me to reiterate. I get a worried phone call at three in the morning telling me that you've let yourself get shot. I wait nine hours for a return call to learn that you've finally made it out of surgery alive. I offer you a safe haven for as long as you wish to stay. Do you want to that try again?"
I groaned. It wasn't that I minded staying with her. I minded the fact that the arrangements had been made without my consent. At least some of the problems between Duo and I had been caused by this lack of forethought. However there was not much she could have done to prevent that so a part of me knew that it wasn't her fault. I really was being unfair.
"I'm sorry. Thank you." I amended wearily.
"I suppose that's the best I can hope for right now." She rolled her eyes and began heading up the steps. "Are you hungry?"
"A little…" I admitted as I followed her.
Of course I had to recount the entire night for her while enduring the most stern and disapproving stare I have ever received. The lunch was some kind of very bland meat and cheese sandwiches. Something I'm sure was devised so as not to upset my stomach by conflicting with the drugs. She allowed me pauses in storytelling long enough to take bites but it was impossible to dodge the matter entirely.
I wouldn't have expected less from her.
"I can't believe you let him shoot you." She responded when I finished. I had successfully avoided telling her about the fight Duo and I had gone through when I returned to my room.
"What else was I supposed to do?"
"Let me think…" She clipped sarcastically, "Take the gun away?! What were you thinking?!"
I just barely stopped myself from letting my eyes roll. "I was thinking that if I simply took the gun away it would stop him for the night. It wouldn't stop him from trying again, sometime when I couldn't intervene."
She studied me intensely before shaking her head. "You're right." She agreed finally. "You're right. Duo is persistent if nothing else."
What an understatement.
Picking at the remaining half of a sandwich, she sighed. I could tell that it was bothering her a great deal but I imagine she didn't want to upset me. In retrospect this was probably a good idea on her part because I know that if she had started getting upset I would have followed suit almost immediately. Finally seeming to decide on a safe topic she looked over to me.
"Are you going to take the room you usually do?"
I raised an eyebrow curiously at her suggestive tone. "Did you have a different one in mind?"
She smiled cheekily. "Mine." At my dry look she rolled her eyes and stood, placing her cloth napkin on the table beside her plate. "Don't give me that look. It's not like you've never done it before. It would just be easier to keep an eye on you since it is closer to everyone else. If you'll kindly remember, yours is all the way at the other end."
"And I chose it for a reason."
Sometimes I wish I had the forethought to stop myself from speaking before I say something really stupid. Relena looked as though I had just handed her the best present ever. In a way I almost had- I didn't leave myself open to teasing very often.
"Because of the giant bathroom with the Jacuzzi tub!" She giggled. I hate when girls giggle. "Do you remember the time the intercoms were broadcasting randomly?"
I gave her a dull look as I excused myself from the table. "I try not to."
That had been a most amusing incident in the least amusing of ways.
Duo, Quatre, and I had taken shelter at Relena's manor during a torrent of wild electrical storms. A small band of OZ terrorists, working without permission from their superiors as we later discovered, had found a way to alter the weather patterns in certain areas for short periods of time. This particular series of storms had incapacitated our gundams a few miles from her estate and we had trudged our sorry asses over to drop in unexpectedly.
Relena was nothing short of understanding, although she asked that we entertain ourselves until the storms had passed. A small delegation of visiting peace officials had been unfortunately trapped at the manor as well. There was no coming or going except by foot until the storms abated.
Quatre thanked her profusely for us and we retreated to the far end, away from the fuss of negotiations. He told us that he was going to try and set up some sort of communication. That way if the storm subsided for even a few seconds he might be able to get out a transmission to let everyone else know we were still alive. Duo wished him luck and waved as our friend disappeared, locking the door against unwanted intrusion.
"So now what?" Duo had asked me cheerfully, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
Even soaking wet and exhausted Duo seemed to be full of restless energy. It was still early evening and if I knew him he wouldn't even think about sleeping for hours yet. I sighed wearily and headed for my own room, containing a groan when he decided to follow me.
"I'm going to sleep."
"Sleep?!" He squawked indignantly, as if I had just suggested we go rape small children. "How can you sleep?"
Somehow he managed to slip into the room with me before I could close the door. I fixed him with another irritated scowl before turning to walk to the bathroom. "We just dropped out of a fourteen hour mission then hiked several miles in the freezing cold and pouring rain while carrying most of our gear on our backs. I assure you-"
But I never got to assure him of anything.
He had caught up with me in the doorway of the bathroom. Grabbing my arm, he almost roughly walked me back into the doorframe, lithe body pressed in a perfect mold against mine. I growled, in no mood for his antics, but only received a cheeky grin.
"You assure me…?" He prompted silkily. Shifting enticingly, he smoothed his fingers over my shoulders as he gently nuzzled my throat.
"Yes." I tried to maintain a fatigued tone. It was hard to be convincing when my breath caught on the word.
I felt his answering smile. "Do you really want to sleep when there is still so much daytime left?" He whispered against my skin, nipping softly.
Shivering, I grabbed his hands, halting their downward progression. "Yes." I managed to gasp as he rocked forward with a devilish smile from beneath half-lowered lashes. It took every ounce of willpower I had to duck away from him and into the bathroom.
"Why don't I believe you?" I saw him in the mirror, watching me with an amused grin.
Lobbing a towel at him I headed for the other side of the huge bathroom. "Fuck off." I groaned. I knew better than to think he would just go away.
"Ohhh…" He purred, sauntering in after me, letting the soft, fluffy towel unfold and drift around him like a big white cloak. "I'd love to."
"I'm sure Quatre would love to play." I suggested, leaning over the tub and turning on the hot water. Tendrils of steam drifted from the water, extending fascinating curls into the cool air.
"I don't want to play with Quatre." He said seriously, slipping his arms around my waist from behind. He nibbled gently just above my shoulder blade, knowing it would elicit a moan.
Again I grabbed his wandering fingers, turning around in his grasp and glaring fiercely at him. "Not. Right. Now." I managed, trying to control my ragged breathing.
He smirked and leaned forward, eliminating the mere inches between our lips. I heard myself make a noise somewhere between a whimper and a moan when I felt the very tip of his tongue run over my bottom lip. I tasted him then as my hands lost their strength. I gave up hopes of warding him off as I surrendered to the kiss.
He pulled away, fingers running slow, fiery trails up and down my spine beneath my shirt. With a smile he quirked one eyebrow. "How's that saying go?" He whispered huskily. "Actions speak louder…?"
Fine, so he knew what I wanted better than I did.
Two could play.
"Shut up." I growled, shrugging out of my shirt as I pulled away a third time. I threw a careless glance at the water, then back to Duo. I hid a smile at his confused expression. I cocked my head to one side and returned a curious look. "I'm going to take a bath. Are you coming or not?"
"I guess we'll find out." He replied, lusty gleam immediately back in his dark eyes.
Needless to say half an hour later found us a lot warmer and happier (if not much cleaner) than when we had entered the bathroom. Duo had discovered that the bath doubled as a Jacuzzi and insisted we leave it running. We were in the far wing of the manor. There was no one to hear us, so we could be as loud as we pleased. It's not like anyone was likely to be by.
How wrong we were.
We were just lazily debating how much longer we could stay in the lukewarm, faintly bubbling water before we either got out or exchanged it with hot water again when Duo hushed me. I narrowed my eyes, protest cut short as the door to the bathroom was flung open. Relena marched in, looking pissed.
Duo sat back on his feet where he knelt, bringing his hands away from either side of my shoulders to rest on his thighs. "May we help you?" He inquired sweetly, though it was clear that he was less than pleased at being interrupted.
It didn't seem to phase anyone but me that Duo and I were still stark naked in the Jacuzzi bath, in a rather compromising position.
Relena took a calming breath before she smiled politely. "You do realize that there are seven rather esteemed officials downstairs, all of whom I am entertaining for dinner, correct?"
"…Yes…" I agreed before Duo could make a smart-assed comment.
"And you realize that every room in the manner has an intercom system?"
"Lena, they're off until someone connects them." Duo pointed out, looking at her as though she had sprouted a second head.
"Yes, Duo. Yes they are generally off until someone presses the button that ELECTRICALLY connects them to the circuit board."
As if to punctuate her words, thunder clapped, shaking the manor with its disquieted rumble. I groaned, letting my head fall back. My skull cracked against the edge of the tub but I was beyond too mortified to really care.
"Oh, fuck me…" Duo groaned, clearly feeling the same way.
"Yes." Relena agreed with an amused sarcasm that bordered on cynical. "That's exactly what all seven of them heard. Now if you'll excuse me I'll kindly ask that you wrap it up quietly and hide until they go away."
She had slammed the door on her way out.
I must say that although the Jacuzzi incident is one of my least favorite moments to recall it still seemed to be a point of great amusement for Relena. As of the moment it was making me sick to my stomach to think about Duo at all, memories of the fight still fresh in my mind. I needed to escape into dreams. I was very, very tired and the drugs were well on their way to forcing sleep upon me. I told Relena that I was going to go take a nap.
"Do you want me to check later and see if you want dinner? I'd really like it if you came down for at least a little while." She pleaded, looking worried.
I nodded, offering her a weary smile. "If you could?"
Collapsing on my bed when I at last reached my room, I downed two of the pills they had given me, completely dry. They tasted horrible and felt like they stuck at the back of my throat, even though I knew they had indeed gone down properly. I closed my eyes, tossing conscious thought to the side in an attempt to ignore the pain.
Fragmented memories of the first time I had ever met Duo over three years ago found their way to the front of my thoughts. Come to think of it he had shot me then, too. Twice. Faint, unnaturally white scars still reside on the skin of my right arm and leg. I still laugh to think about it. What a way to greet somebody.
As mad as I had been at him for trying to thwart my mission, I was ten times as grateful that he had broken into Sally's facility to liberate me. I hadn't known what I was getting myself into when I allowed him to drag me onto Howards ship. Hours later we had dredged our gundams from the ocean floor and set to work repairing them. He had offered to have his people fix Zero, but I didn't want attachments of any kind. I certainly hadn't wanted to be in anyone's debt.
He had persisted, however, in speaking at me for quite a long time while I attempted to figure out what needed to be fixed. At last, I irritably relented and responded, if only to ask him to be quiet. My next mission, only moments later, had entirely changed his demeanor.
I think the war was never truly real for Duo, save for a few, crystal moments where he understood what was happening. Maybe he saw it as a game. Maybe he saw it as something else. As we moved through the years, I later found myself thinking that his world became more surreal with every passing day until he had created an entirely separate reality. One where no one actually died, friendships were made quickly and lasted as long as they needed to, and the war really was more of a game he could play as the God of Death.
When that mission filtered through… I think he saw more in that moment than he ever had before.
I think he understood just how much was at stake.
I sighed, turning on my side as I remembered him jumping most of the way down the gundam as I clambered out of the cockpit toward my discarded laptop. Pausing, he turned to look at me, a confused, sympathetic, worried expression on his face. The clicking of my keyboard was the only sound as he turned around… but he didn't leave. Settling himself quietly in front of me, he watched me very carefully as I ran another diagnostic test. It was very hard to concentrate with him staring so intently, and I didn't last longer than another few minutes before looking up at him.
"Yes?" I had asked.
"Are you really gonna stay up all night and work on your gundam?"
The note of disbelief brought a smile to my mind that never reached my lips. "Yes." I replied shortly.
"My boys can handle it, honestly. Trust me, I don't like anyone touching Deathscythe, it makes my skin crawl to think about but… These guys know what they're doing."
I voiced the unstated end of that statement. "And I don't."
"That's not what I meant! Gosh, what's wrong with you, anyhow? Friends aren't exactly easy to make, all things about our current situations considered. We're in the same boat."
"Ship." I corrected, not really thinking.
"What?"
"Ship. This isn't a boat."
With a dramatic sigh he had flopped unceremoniously onto his back, hands slipping behind his head as he rolled his eyes. "Figure of speech, man. Lighten up. You're not going to have any fun at all with an attitude like that."
"I'm not here to have fun."
"We'll see." After that he lapsed into silence, letting the gentle rolling of the ocean soothingly rock the boat, the sound of machinery a polite background noise as almost everything was on hold for lunch. "Do you even know what fun is?" He questioned at last, propping himself up on one elbow to look at me.
Sighing, I had set aside my laptop and given him a look which I thought would have clearly told him I did not want his company. "Yes. I need to fix my gundam."
He took a deep breath and let it out in the most irritating way, as if to let me know exactly how much he thought of that idea. "You can't possibly think of something more entertaining to do? They can do it, honest!"
I clearly remember the moment of insanity wherein I wondered if humoring him would make him go away faster. "What exactly would you suggest?"
Obviously I was mistaken. Reaching up before I could stop him, he tangled his fingers in the front of my tank-top, curling them into a fist and dragging me down to him. Instinctively reacting, I threw my hands out, jarring my palms on the smooth gundanium beneath us as I braced from falling over. I gained my balance as I crouched there, and my body was in defense mode before I ever had the time to consider what he was doing. Prepared for a reaction he grabbed my wrist as I reached for my gun, and smiled like a cat that had just caught its mouse. That smile sent shivers down my spine even then.
"Relax," He whispered, and I felt my muscles loosen despite themselves, "I'm not gonna hurt you."
"What are you doing." It wasn't a question. It was a demand for information.
"Having a little… fun." He purred. His eyes flickered back and forth, watching my own for a sign that I wasn't aware I would give. Very carefully he loosened his grip on my wrist. I shook off the feeling of his hand and almost in slow motion brought the gun to his chest, letting the barrel rest at the base of his sternum. Not once did his gaze or smile falter.
"I could kill you, right here. Right now."
"You could." He said with a small, thoughtful nod.
Bringing his free hand up, he brushed his fingertips softly against my cheek before slipping them to the back of my neck and drawing me forward. The last few inches between us closed as he leaned forward and kissed me very gently, as if I would disappear without warning. My eyes slid closed of their own volition and I failed to stop the breathy noise that escaped my throat.
Pulling back a second later, I fixed a glare upon him that would have killed a lesser being, but was faced with only a smug smile. "But you won't." He pointed out, getting to his feet and hopping lightly to the ground below.
I never told him that he was wrong.
I couldn't have shot him.
It had hurt to leave the next morning, without saying goodbye. I had never known true friendship prior to that day.
I pushed aside the remnants of the past as I opened my eyes. I must have fallen asleep while thinking because evening had descended on the manor. Looking blearily around the room, I tried to determine what had woken me. Relena stood leaning against the doorframe, silhouetted by the blindingly bright light from the hallway.
Rubbing at my closed eyelids with my free hand, I gave her an indignant look. "You're up so I should be, too?" I yawned. "What time is it?"
She smiled in response and shifted her weight to enter, perching delicately on the edge of the bed. She passed me the glass of water she had been clutching. "Just about seven. I was hoping you would come down and have dinner with me, I haven't eaten yet."
I took a gulp of water and nodded. "Sure."
"Ms. Jamison made meatloaf and mashed potatoes, but she can make you anything you want if that sounds too strong." Her eyes flickered to the open bottle of painkillers on the bedside table.
The thought of food was slightly unsettling but meatloaf didn't sound as if it would be too dangerous to try. "That's fine. Did I miss anything while I was out?"
"Trowa called." She noted, rising with me. "He wanted to talk to you but I told him you were sleeping. They are sending you supplies." She laughed. "The way he was talking it was like you were getting ready for some big battle or something."
I couldn't help it- I winced. She still didn't know about the fight Duo and I had had the day before. The way Trowa saw it… I probably was getting ready for a war. "Old habits die hard."
My stomach flopped at my own choice of words. Was that what Duo was; an old habit? I tamped down the thought, trying not to let it bother me. I needed a break. I needed a separation from my own emotions. Letting the situation upset me, I thought as I dressed properly, wouldn't do anyone any good.
"Well," She started as we walked down the hall, "Negotiations start the day after tomorrow. I can't promise I will be around much once that happens, but I will certainly try."
"It's okay." I fiddled with the cuff of my over-jacket.
"Well, the day after that there isn't anything going on. I've asked Pagan if he would take us into town to do some shopping. I mean… since you haven't got to be bouncing all over the place anymore you can keep more than a duffel-bag's worth of stuff, you know?"
I gave her a funny glance. "What would I do with more than that?"
Looking fairly scandalized she made a noise of disbelief. "What would you do with it?" She nearly squeaked, "You have what? Three sets of clothes, a toothbrush, some other hygiene stuff I am sure Duo made you buy, and some things you didn't want to part with from your past. You could do with some new clothes and maybe some shoes, not to mention that now you can buy stuff for fun."
Fun…
The word echoed hollowly in my mind.
Duo was always encouraging me to have fun, too.
"I guess." I replied noncommittally.
There were a few people trailing here and there, cleaning the long table we had just taken a seat at. Apparently we hadn't missed dinner by much. Relena politely asked one of them if she would mind bringing out some left-overs, nothing fancy. The maid nodded and disappeared.
"Maddie wants to check those bandages when we're done eating." Relena informed me once the food arrived.
"Who?"
"She's the nurse here. With so many people in and out all the time there has to be someone here to fix things. Luckily most everyone is healthy."
"Yeah…" I agreed, taking a bite of the meatloaf. It was very bland and the sauce was worse. Overall it didn't seem like it would upset my stomach.
"Noin's staff said that I should keep you from being too active for at least a couple days, but the drugs seem to be doing that all on their own, don't they?"
She apparently wasn't going to just leave me alone. "Yes. When the world stops tilting just a bit to the left I'll let you know."
There was blessed silence during which an irritating buzzing started in my ear. I was just considering shaking my head to dislodge it when she looked over and cleared her throat. "So how long before you take off again?"
There was a strange edge of bitterness in her voice that I'm sure she didn't want nor expect me to catch. "Do you want me to leave soon?" I was confused as she had never shown an interest in letting me leave before she absolutely had to. The buzzing had stopped, thankfully, but her voice still sounded a little far away.
"No." She quickly assured me. "I'd like you to stay here permanently. I know that you wanted to stick with Duo and all… but I really don't think it's safe for you to stay there. I mean, you'd hardly been there a few days and already he's put you in the hospital."
"It was my own fault, Relena." I said tiredly.
"Oh? You went and got the gun for him and made him shoot you?"
"That's not what I meant, and you know it." I reprimanded irritably. Where was that buzzing noise coming from? "He was just startled."
"Heero, he's unstable!" She cried, fixing me with an irate, hurt look. "And to tell the truth I'm not sure you're entirely stable, either." She sighed, settling back in her seat with an air of resignation. "Look. I would like it if you stayed here until you're healed, at the very least. If you really don't want to stay here… I guess that's how it will be. Stay with Trowa, stay with Quatre, but please, please don't go back there. Not yet."
"I'm the only one who can take care of him." Why couldn't she understand?
"I know you think that but right now that's not a plausible solution." Her jaw clenched as if she didn't want to continue. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"I'll be fine." I growled. "But Duo-"
"Duo will be fine for a bit." She cut me off. "You need to the time to heal and adjust just as much as he does. You can go back to him when you're both ready."
My mind was rather numb. She sounded so much like Trowa, telling me that Duo would have to be okay first. I wanted to help but people were stopping me at every turn and it was getting too hard to fight it. It was too much trouble to fight with them and myself at the same time.
"Yes." I hoped that it was clear the conversation was over. "Fine." She lapsed into mute concern, watching me before she began to eat once more. I could tell that she wasn't letting the issue go entirely, but it could be dropped for the moment.
That annoying buzz was back again but this time it was resolving itself. I turned in my chair, looking for a source. No one else was in the room beside Relena and myself… from what I could tell there was no one in the adjoining rooms, either. Finally I caught sight of the vid-screen behind us, covering a large portion of the wall. It was quietly relating the day's news and the buzz appeared to be coming from the speakers below it.
"-Calling themselves the 'Marauders,' have attacked two more cities since declaring themselves a new and separate faction. It remains to be determined what their objective is, but-"
"Is someone still attacking people?" I asked as I turned back to Relena, concerned now.
"I'm surprised you hadn't already heard about them." She replied, turning a thoughtful gaze to the vid-screen. "It's a fairly small group of people. They keep cropping up in weird patterns and attacking cities. No one knows why, they haven't issued a statement or anything. We don't even really know who they are."
"There's no order to the attacks?" I wondered curiously as I faced the screen again. Normally there was at least some sort of pattern, some kind of order.
She shook her head. "Seems random. Like someone's taking a map and pointing and saying 'there's where we attack today' or something."
My eyes traced the line of destruction across the map the vid-screen was currently displaying, along with a hotline number for anyone with information. She was right, they seemed pretty chaotic in their choice of places. I knew better. "It looks like they are searching for something, or taunting someone. Like they are flaunting power."
"They haven't hurt civilians yet. They send a notification roughly ten minutes before they attack someplace, enough for the people to evacuate. As soon as someone shows up to combat them, they disappear. Literally, just vanish. It's been really strange."
The reporter had moved on, launching into a local news report about the effects the end of the war was having on the city and her inhabitants. I faced my half-finished dinner and suddenly didn't feel hungry at all. I couldn't process what she was telling me, but my brain was definitely trying to tell me something was wrong with that situation. There was something I should have been guessing, should have seen.
The moment passed, however, and I felt tired again.
"I think I'm going to go back to sleep."
"Maddie should check those bandages, Heero."
Right, I'd forgotten. "I'll stop by if you tell me where she is."
She gave me quick directions and told me she would take me there, though I turned her down. "At least make sure you take another dose of those painkillers before you go to bed." Relena smiled, though I could see she was worried.
I nodded, excusing myself.
The walk to my room seemed to take forever. I stopped by the small office and Maddie was nice enough. She changed the cotton wraps as gently as she could and assured me that the stitches were looking as good as they could. I got to see them for the first time and it did nothing to ease the turmoil in my stomach.
Huge, irritated red lacerations had been stitched up with thick black thread. It was rather gruesome and I was insanely happy that there was hardly any sensation in my shoulder. I promised myself copious amounts of drugs to keep myself from having to feel that any time soon.
I collapsed on the bed and downed two more pills with the water I had left there earlier. I tried to keep the image of my damaged shoulder from creeping into my mind, but it didn't want to leave. As tired as I was, I felt afraid to even think about falling asleep now. Nightmares were never pleasant.
Fortunately that fear wasn't stronger than the medication.
I fell asleep almost as soon as I laid in my bed.
Unfortunately, it didn't last.
A few hours later found me wandering the halls, unable to find rest. I couldn't seem to prevent myself from thinking about the past and worrying about the future. So much had happened in the past three years between all of us that it was surreal. Were we really going to let it all fall apart now?
I was afraid.
The past three years had seen us all inexorably tied into one another's lives. Curiously enough it was the worst thing in our lives that kept us in contact, repeatedly throwing us together. The war had been our first and longest bond… but surely it was not our strongest? Without it had we really lost our reasons to remain friends and lovers?
Lovers.
The word sounded so foreign.
There had never been a reason to define or label any relationships we managed to maintain during the war. No one mentioned it. There were no discussions over who was what to whom. I could use time as an excuse, saying that we never had enough of it… but I would be lying. If we had chosen to approach the topic, to have a discussion... there were many opportunities.
The truth was, we were all scared.
We protected ourselves.
We protected each other.
If it wasn't labeled, wasn't acknowledged… it didn't really exist.
And if it wasn't real no one could take it from us.
The problem was that everything had become shockingly real in less than a week, and I don't think I was the only one still recovering.
My fingertips lingered on the walls as I trailed down the hallway, thinking about everything that entailed. Had we all just been looking for something to hold on to, something to ground us? Were we looking for something to come home to?
I know that I hadn't expected to live through the war. With so many opportunities to die it was a one in a billion chance that I would make it. So anything I had done was supposed to be free of attachment, free of any sort of permanent commitment. That was what we had all agreed upon, silently or otherwise.
I clearly remember the first time I came face to face with that decision.
It was another restless night in between missions and I found myself unable to sleep. We hadn't heard anything from the others in days and we were beginning to worry that something had gone wrong. Surely someone would have called if they had gotten out all right. They knew we weren't due for any missions for another few weeks. The negative news reports that constantly aired did nothing to ease our nerves.
Duo was already in the small living room that bordered our two rooms. I guess he had been up for a while. He was just sitting there on the ratty couch, staring mutely into space. I felt bad even thinking about interrupting his reverie by speaking. Instead I crossed the room as silently as I could and poured myself a cup of the lukewarm coffee sitting out on the counter. The kitchen wasn't a separate room and I could feel his gaze on me the entire way.
"Can't sleep?" He whispered, holding his mug in both hands.
I shook my head, taking a seat beside him. I still wasn't used to speaking much, even after a year of knowing him and the others. Most of them had given up trying to make me talk but Duo had proved unimaginable resilient in his efforts.
"Me neither." He agreed, taking a sip.
"So you're drinking coffee?" His logic had always escaped me.
"So're you." He looked sideways at me with a smirk.
I dropped my eyes to my own mug and stared at it for a moment. Neither of us moved as he watched me. After a short time he snuggled back into the couch with a laugh. It was like music, completely enchanting in the stillness.
"Why do you always laugh?" I asked, before I could stop myself.
The sound disappeared as soon as I mentioned it. He sighed heavily and took a sip of his coffee before setting it on the small table beside him. The thought had obviously occurred to him before and appeared to a troubling one. He settled into the corner of the couch in such a way that he could face me without actually doing so.
"If I don't, who will?" He finally asked. "Trowa and 'Fei rarely do. Even Quatre falters. You never smile."
"I smile." I scowled.
This earned me rolled eyes. "Yeah? When?"
"When I am happy."
"Then," He said sadly, "You must not be a very happy person."
"There is nothing to smile about."
"I disagree!" He fixed me with a disapproving look. "You're just not looking in the right place. There are plenty of things hiding in plain sight."
"Like what?" I asked tiredly, taking a drink. I was playing his game, I knew, but this was something that had truly been bothering me. I always felt like there was some big secret that I was missing. I felt that the answer sat a mere two feet away now, smirking, and I didn't want to leave without hearing it.
Even if it meant letting myself get played, just this once.
"Like the things that make life worth living." When I didn't answer him he rolled his eyes again and shifted forward as if he were about to whisper something he shouldn't. "Humans. People. Trowa, Quatre, 'Fei, Hilde, Relena, everyone." He sat back again, studying me. "You and I."
"How? If that is the key then why don't the others smile like you?"
"Well," He corrected, "It's not just the people. It's how you act with them, what you feel, what you do. Obviously you're not gonna feel the same killing someone as you would feel kissing them. I believe even you know the difference." His cheeky smile was caught up in a yawn a second later.
"Do I?"
"Don't you?" He quipped, grinning. "You should by now. Does this mean I have to remind you?"
My eyes widened. "What?"
He crawled forward, slipping the mug from my slack hands. With a sideways glance he stood and placed it on the coffee table. I shifted uncomfortably, unsure about what he was implying. He was always doing things like that- teasing and pushing the acceptable boundaries.
"You heard me."
He grinned and grabbed my hands as I began to stand, pushing me gently back to my seat. Without releasing them he threaded his fingers through my own and knelt on the couch, straddling my thighs.
"Duo, it's late…" I protested weakly, though I made no move to escape.
"We're already up." He raised our hands to place them over and behind my head. "Might as well make the most of it."
Our lips brushed for a flash before his tight hold on my hands loosened considerably, allowing me to lower my arms, fingers sliding onto his elbows as he leaned his forearms on my shoulders. I could feel his breath on my skin the instant before he pressed a trail of fluttering kisses from my jaw to my collarbone.
"Know the difference yet?" He whispered, shifting closer and resting his nose softly in the hollow of my throat.
I think I had a pretty good idea right about then. Scared that he would get up and leave if I told him so, however, I shook my head. "You'll have to do better."
"Better?" He echoed without changing positions, hands slithering from around my neck, following an enticing line down to the bottom of my shirt. "How much better?"
I held my breath, eyes closed as his palms slid upward against my chest, bringing my shirt with them. He pulled away long enough to remove it entirely, laying it on the couch beside us with an amused grin. His gaze dropped, lazily following his fingertips across my muscles as they traced an almost reverent pattern.
"Can you give me proof?" I raised an eyebrow as I lifted one leg closer to him.
He made a noise in the back of his throat at the gesture, eyes closing. I took the opportunity to snake my hands beneath his nightshirt, gently pulling upward. Raising his arms, he complied. Before I had even finished tugging it off he had draped his arms around my neck, pressing forward against me as he licked the shell of my ear and spoke softly.
"Of course." He purred.
Despite what my body was screaming at me, I halted his progress, grabbing his wrists and moving him so I could look him in the eyes.
"Not on this couch." I said pointedly.
"Fuck!" He growled, forehead dropping roughly onto my collarbone.
"That's not an unreasonable-"
"No, not that." He groaned, not moving. "We haven't got anything."
"What?" Anything for what?
"Nothing useful anyhow…" He murmured, sounded forlorn.
"For what?"
"Lubrication." It's amusing now, to remember that I could almost feel his blush on my shoulder as he turned his face into the crook of my neck and whispered in a hushed voice. "Or condoms or anything."
"What?" I squawked, disbelieving. It shouldn't have come as a surprise, I know. My thoughts were not exactly in one piece and I should have figured it out a lot sooner than I did. "What makes you think I would let you get that far?"
He shifted to the side enough to be able to give me a 'you know better' look. "Oh come on." He rocked his hips against mine and I'm afraid his point was quickly proven. "Unless you've decided to change your mind…?"
When he moved to get up, reaching for his shirt, I stopped him, refusing to let go of one of his wrists. "No." I corrected, keeping tight control of my breathing. "It's best to finish what you start, I've learned."
"Oh have you?" He replied someone sarcastically, though he settled himself on my lap once more.
"There are some problems we can still solve."
He nabbed my hands before I could do anything and looked me right in the eyes.
"Wait." There was an odd note in his voice and he looked suddenly far more apprehensive than he had a minute ago.
"What?"
Biting his bottom lip in thought he gave me a very unsure look. "Well…" He mused, almost as if he weren't sure if he were talking to himself or me. "With the war and all…"
What the war could possibly have to do with the current situation was beyond me. I tilted my head to one side, leaning back against the back of the couch with a confused, somewhat irritated expression.
"I just…" He trailed off, tearing his gaze away, dropping it to look at my chest. He shrugged as if trying to say it didn't matter to him. "Maybe it's not a good idea to make attachments when we can't tell what the future's gonna hold."
It had been on both our minds, apparently, but he was the only one of us had the balls to mention it. I sighed, twisting my wrist very gently out of his hold and cupping his cheek in my hand. I waited until he thought he could look at me again. Worry and fear were etched into ever line of his face. It hurt so badly to think that I had caused any of that.
"Hey." I said quietly, hoping I had his full attention. "I won't make an attachment if you don't."
A pained expression crossed his features, but he nodded with a smile. "Promise?" He asked weakly.
"Promise."
"You can't break a promise if you make it." He informed me skeptically.
"Do you think I would make a promise lightly?"
With a more confident smile he leaned forward and kissed me again, this time lingering. "No." He whispered against my lips.
Wandering the hallways of Relena's manor two years later it finally occurred to me that he had never promised me in return.
As the realization struck I allowed myself to sink to the floor against the wall, curling into a ball. The drugs were working overtime and as much as I had been fighting them the struggle no longer seemed worth it. Silence wrapped around the corridor and I could feel sleep edging in on me.
Dark oblivion.
An escape.
The door across from where I lay cracked open, a sliver of weak light spilling across the floor and bathing the wall in front of me golden. My moment of reflection faded, my escape fluttering away with the receding darkness. Couldn't they let me break in peace? There was a moment of utter silence before the newcomer pulled the door open wider and joined me in the deserted hallway.
"Heero?" Relena called tentatively, not yet approaching.
I didn't move to answer.
She closed the distance between us and dropped to her knees beside me. Warmth pressed gently against my shoulder blade as she laid her hand on my back. I shivered, realizing how cold the hall actually was.
"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly as she brushed my bangs from my face. With a concerned look she placed her palm against my forehead. "Heero?"
I fended off her hands, grabbing onto them to force her to focus for a moment. "I'm fine." I lied.
Her lips became a thin line as she scowled at me, clearly not believing. "You're not. You're wandering the halls at three in the morning the day after you've been shot, gone through major surgery, and had a nasty fight with your best friend."
A strangled noise of distress and shock escaped my throat before I could come up with a dignified reaction. "How did you know that?"
She rolled her eyes and gave me a flat look. "Honestly, Heero. Did you think I wouldn't find out you'd fought with him?"
"Who told you?"
"It wasn't exactly hard to guess something was wrong after the way you were acting at dinner. I called Quatre shortly after you left and confronted him."
I didn't respond, merely glaring into the blank space over her shoulder. I couldn't believe she called Quatre. I couldn't believe he told her!
"Oh come on." She admonished, "There's only a few things that could have you out at this time of night. You're already here so you might as well talk."
Moodily meeting her eyes, I sighed in resignation. "I just… I don't know where I'm going any more. I feel like I'm in that place, that limbo between missions where I don't know what's coming next and all I can do is wait. It was okay before because there was always one of the others there with me. Even when they weren't I still knew I'd see them again relatively soon, barring death. Now… I don't even have that much."
Silence settled over us. I guess she didn't have anything to say to that, or couldn't decide what would be best.
"I just feel lost." I mumbled, heart clenching in my chest as I spoke. "Alone."
"You're not!" She quickly assured me, turning her hands in mine to hold them. "Oh, Heero, you're not alone. From the second you met us all you were never alone. Things change and people change with them, but that doesn't mean they've just abandoned you because the war's done."
"Doesn't it?" I asked quietly.
She cast her gaze skyward for a fraction of an instant before looking back at me rather seriously. "Have I abandoned you?"
"No."
"Didn't Trowa just call before dinner? Do you think he's abandoned you?"
"…No." I said after a moment. Trowa hadn't seemed like he was going to go away any time soon. In fact he had managed to sound convinced we would see one another again very shortly when I left him at the hospital.
"And Quatre wouldn't just stop talking to you, would he?"
"Well, no…." I had to agree.
"You never had much contact with Wu Fei, does that feel like it's going to change now that he's working in town with the Preventers and Sally? Do either of them seem likely to disappear?"
"Okay, so they're not leaving." I snapped.
She smiled smugly, that same expression she wore when she knows you have walked right into her trap. "So there."
"But… what about…" I trailed off, breaking eye contact to study the dusty tiled floor.
"Duo's your best friend, Heero." She said patiently, though it clearly pained her to broach the subject. "More than your best friend. If he's half the person you think he is then he'll come 'round in no time and if he's not then can he really be worth the heartache?" She whispered imploringly.
"I guess…" I'm sure I didn't sound at all convinced.
She leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to my forehead. Releasing my hands, she stood and leaned gently against the wall again. I clambered to my feet a second later, wearily dusting off my knees. Giving her a sad look and a shake of my head, I offered a faint smile.
"Sorry I woke you."
"You didn't." She sighed irritably. "I was watching the news reports because I couldn't sleep."
"That was probably a better idea than wandering the halls and ending up curled in a ball somewhere."
"I wouldn't have ended up in a ball." She said cheekily. "I've got more sense than that."
"Are you implying I haven't got the sense?" I poked.
"Which one of us was out here first?" She asked with a meaningful look. Fortunately she didn't feel the need to continue, only offering me another smile. "Look, your room is all the way across the manor, and it's already late. I could use the company if you don't mind staying."
Giving her a searching stare, I grimaced. "I probably should go back to my own room…"
"With the way you're swaying just standing still I really don't think you're going to make it all the way back without ending up on the floor again." She pointed out. "I'm not walking all the way there and back so you've got a choice. You can sleep here or I can sleep there."
I looked down the hallway and tried to judge just how long of a path it was. Somewhere in the time I'd been lying on the floor and now it had stretched and become far longer than I was willing to walk. Sighing, I turned back to face her.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Oh honestly!" She sounded as though she thought I were being a complete moron. "You're hurt, drugged, and exhausted. I have to get up in the morning. I'm not going to try anything and neither are you. It's just easier."
I shifted nervously. Duo would be even angrier with me if he found out I'd slept in her room but there wasn't really a way for him to know. I certainly wasn't going to tell him and he hardly spoke to Relena. She was right that it was closer and easier and I didn't really think I could make it back on my own.
"My meds are still in my room." I finally returned.
"I'll send someone to fetch them when I wake. Any other objections?"
"No." I grumbled.
"Good." She sighed tiredly and disappeared into her room, expecting me to follow.
I almost made it to the bed before I was asleep again.
By the next morning coherency seemed to have become a privilege, not a right. The drugs were not at all easy to contend with and I found it hard to maintain consciousness. I waited until they had nearly run their course for the morning. I neglected taking them again, despite the needling pain the entire left side of my body gave me as a result. It left me with a much clearer head for debating serious issues.
Finally I steeled myself… and called.
I was only mildly surprised when Hilde picked up the phone. Someone had to be there watching him now that I was out of the picture. Quatre had conferences. Trowa and Wu Fei were probably busy dealing with any uprisings. I wasn't sure Duo knew anyone else that could do the job properly and Hilde was one of his good friends.
"Is Duo there?" I queried as politely as I could for being anxious.
"Who is this?" She sounded confused and a little suspicious. I didn't expect her to recognize my voice right away, seeing as I didn't talk on the phone often. "Heero, is that you?"
"Yes. Is Duo there?" I repeated, seriously considering losing my nerve and hanging up before she could tell me he had left to do… something.
"Yeah. He's here, but I'm hardly going to let you speak to him." She huffed. "Do you have any idea what you've put him through?"
"Hilde, it's really not your place to decide to whom he can and cannot speak." I admonished. Though I couldn't help feeling guilty I was not up to dealing with the girl's often stubborn and rash nature.
"As his friend," She stressed acidly, "I have a responsibility to try and keep people from hurting him."
"I hope you understand that I feel the same way. I need to talk to him so-"
"Well, he doesn't want to talk to you. Haven't you hurt him enough?"
I choked. "You make it sound like I'm trying to hurt him!" Was that really what they thought?
"Well if you don't mean to you're doing a bloody good job of it anyway!" She snapped.
There was a faint scuffling noise in the background and a wary, muffled voice asked "Who's on the phone?" I recognized Duo's voice.
"No one." She told him, venom gone from her tone. "Just some telemarketer." There was a crackle as she removed her hand from the receiver. "Fuck off and don't call back."
The line went dead in my hands.
/It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard/
/End Chapter Twelve, Through the Storm/
