Chapter Twelve

"I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion."
Sheldon Cooper (TBBT Season 2)
"The Lizard-Spock Expansion"

"Traitor."

Amy looked up to see an apparently perturbed Missy staring her down, hands on hips. What on earth could this be about? She and Sheldon had just returned to the main picnic shelter in anticipation of lunch. Sheldon went off to talk to his mother and grandmother while Amy was confronted by Missy.

Her mind zipped through her various interactions with Sheldon's sister, but could find no behavior on her part that could be construed as offensive. "I do not follow. How did I betray you?"

"I thought we agreed to keep my brother dangling for a while." Missy rolled her eyes. "Yet, I'm here three seconds and find out that you two are making out."

"Making out?" Amy exclaimed. "We were doing no such thing! Who said this?"

"Hank. He said you two were going at it like a couple of squirrels in heat. Mom's probably giving Sheldon fits about his less-than-gentlemanly behavior right now."

Amy was mortified at the thought that someone had seen them or that her physical relationship with her boyfriend was now being discussed between him and his mother. "We were not 'making out'. It was a simple peck and I—"

Missy pounced on this like a detective who'd just discovered an important clue. "So you admit you and Sheldon were kissing?" She laughed. "Looks like I underestimated the seductive powers of my brother. Who knew he'd have any though?"

Amy stiffened in alarm. "Sheldon did not 'seduce me' into forgiving him. We discussed our issues and found mutually beneficially way of solving them."

Missy smirked. "Yeah, that's what all the girls say. Did he bring you chocolates?"

"No. It was a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo."

Missy laughed even louder at that. "To each their own, honey." She looked Amy's outfit over. "I'm glad to see you at least wore the dress I gave you. You look real cute. Now, come over and meet my boyfriend."

"You brought the man who cheated on you to a family reunion?" Amy asked.

"No, that was Frank. I dumped him yesterday. This one is Riley." She arched an eyebrow at Amy in disbelief. "Did you really think I'd stay with a cheater?"

"I believe my confusion stems from the fact that you dumped your old boyfriend yesterday and spent the evening with me and your family. When did you have time to gain a new one?"

"You know how Sheldon is the smart one in our family?"

Amy nodded, unsure what that had to do with anything.

"Well, I'm the charming one." Missy winked, grabbed Amy by the hand and dragged her over to a handsome, raven-haired man currently in a deep conversation with George Jr. "Riley," she said, touching his shoulder to gain his attention, which he readily gave her. "This is Amy, my brother's girlfriend. Amy, this is Riley Fitzgerald."

Amy immediately stuck out her hand. "How do you do, Riley?"

He shook the offered hand. "I'm fine. Pleasure to meet you, Amy," he said, before turning to look at George inquiringly.

George shook his head in answer to the unspoken question. "Oh, no. Not me. She's with Sheldon."

Missy punched her brother in the shoulder. "That was rude. Stop being a jackass and apologize or I'm gonna tell Mom how you really spent the money she lent you."

George glared at his sister before turning to deliver a swift apology to Amy. She nodded in acknowledgement, but remained silent. Sheldon's brother appeared in better spirits than when she'd seen him this morning. The shaking in his hands was gone, but his pupils were dilated and his movements seemed disjointed and abnormal. Amy had no doubt what he'd spent the requested funds on. Her only question was what—if anything—she should do about it.

"So, Amy," Riley said, obviously trying to smooth over any unpleasantness. "Missy tells me Sheldon is a rocket scientist. Is that what you do too?"

Amy frowned at Missy. Was it possible she really didn't know what her brother's profession was or was this some kind of joke? She knew for a fact that Sheldon had told her of his profession just yesterday. Could she have forgotten so soon? The comely brunette's smile gave nothing away. So, Amy pushed on. "Sheldon is actually a theoretical physicist. I am a neurobiologist."

"Oh, so you both are scientists?" Riley said, his expression indicating a satisfaction that he'd deduced something correctly.

Amy couldn't help smiling at his enthusiasm. "Indeed. What is your occupation?"

"Construction mostly. I also play a mean bass in a band on the weekends." He waggled his dark brows seductively at his girlfriend as he said this. Missy giggled in response and delivered a quick kiss to his lips.

Amy was confused as to how Riley's words or actions should be rewarded with a kiss, but she was kept from further debating this by Mary, who came over to claim Amy for the purpose of "making the rounds". Thus, Amy spent the next thirty minutes sorting through a dizzying array of aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, one great-aunt, in-laws, and good friends who were so close they were considered family. Sheldon might have deemed lengthy introductions tedious, but Mary had no such qualms. No, she showed Amy off like she was a double issue of Neuron.

"This is Sheldon's girlfriend, Dr. Amy Fowler. Not only is she prettier than a new calf, but she's real smart too. Amy's at the top of her field, you know. Gonna cure addiction, this one is, and she's been a pure Godsend for helping to bring around my Shelly," Mary said.

Amy was quite unused to this level of adulation. At Fowler family events, her own mother usually spent the whole time making excuses as to why her daughter wasn't married or lacked any potential marital prospects. This kind of turnaround was both embarrassing and flattering.

"Of course," Mary would inevitably add, "she ain't found Jesus yet, but I'm working on that. One thing at a time, you know."

As Amy had no idea how to take that, she wisely refrained from commenting as they moved on to meet the next relative. Her reprieve came as lunch was called and every person in attendance sat down to dine at the long row of tables. As promised, she and Sheldon took their places near Granddaddy Cooper, who took up end of the table like a king on his throne. But Amy was pleased to see Meemaw, Mary, Missy and Riley were also seated nearby. George Jr. was the only one from their immediate group to sit at the far end of the table. Amy assumed he did this to prevent his mother from noticing the signs of his altered condition. She again pondered what to do about that particular situation, but the proceedings of lunch soon had her focusing on other things.

The blessing was delivered as well as a few words of welcome from the event organizers before the floor was officially turned over to Granddaddy.

"Family and friends, it is good to see you all made it out another year," he gruffly said. "I know you've all drove and flown in from many different states across the country. My granddaughter Katie even came all the way from Germany. Seeing each of you gathered before me today does my heart real proud. Quite a few in-laws and three great-grandbabies were added to our ranks this year—Thankfully, they were all girls and none were named after me." He paused and ran his silver gaze over the party before him. "But we've suffered our share of loss this year as well. A few months ago, my baby brother Jack went on to join our parents, my beloved wife, Jewel, and my son George Sr."

"They're watching down on us from heaven," Mary interjected.

"Indeed they are." He raised his Solo cup of iced tea into the air. "My papa had a saying he liked to share every year about this time. Just because he ain't here to do himself don't mean we don't continue the tradition. So, raise your glasses and say it with me. 'May the Coopers forever thrive, even in the midst of thorns!'"

"Here! Here!"

Everyone clicked their plastic cups together and drank. And, with that, food was passed, plates were filled, and lunch was devoured. Meemaw and Mary were the recipients of an avalanche of compliments and even one half-hearted marriage proposal delivered from Beau, who declared his love for the corn muffins. Meemaw blushed prettily and waved all of these sentiments off.

Amy delved into her own plate, enjoying the fried chicken and corn fritters especially while she observed the assorted interactions between family members. It was almost like dinner theater. Aunt Gladys scolded Hank for not bringing his current significant other when "even Sheldon" had done so. Across the way, Katie regaled anyone who would listen with the particulars of her trip to Germany. Beau and his wife, Reagan, reprimanded an unruly toddler who refused to stop throwing squash at her older brother the second their backs were turned. Most interesting of all were the interactions between family members and Sheldon. It was the oddest thing she'd ever seen.

"Sheldon, what is it you do again?"

"I'm a theoretical physicist, Uncle John."

Uncle John looked at his wife, who said, "Scientist."

"So, you teach science?"

Sheldon flinched. "No, I'm a theoretical physicist. I help humankind better understand the mechanical workings of the cosmos."

The uncle once more looked at Aunt Gladys, who shrugged.

"So, you're a teacher then," Uncle John finally announced. "What grade do you teach?"

"I am employed at Caltech as a Senior Theoretical Physicist. While I occasionally lecture on my findings to graduate students and the like, I am not now nor will I ever be a professor. Why would I? I am at the top of my field and well on my way to receiving a Nobel Prize. Good Lord! What's next? I should work as a grease monkey at Jiffy Lube?"

John looked at his wife, who said, "He teaches at a university."

John nodded, smiled at everyone else as though he was a spy who'd successfully decoded an enemy message, and said, "Did y'all hear that? Sheldon is a science teacher at the university!"

Sheldon looked appalled as everyone began immediately congratulating him. With a few muttered comments, he rolled his eyes and dug back into his plate.

That was when Amy grasped what was really going on here. The Coopers were treating Sheldon like he spoke a different language or was somehow developmentally delayed. While she and Sheldon knew his intelligence to be a supreme gift to humanity, his non-immediate family apparently saw it as nothing more than a handicap preventing him from interacting normally.

Curiouser and curiouser, she thought with a shake of her head. This explains so much.

Amy wanted to observe some more, but was prevented from doing so by a nudge delivered to her arm. She turned to her left.

"Howdy, girly," Mr. Cooper said, giving her a sly wink.

'Girly'? Here we go again. He might as well have pulled out a red cape and yelled "Ole!"

"Hello, Mr. Cooper," Amy replied, not rising to his obvious bait.

He smiled. Her stomach tightened unexpectedly with nerves. Amy could almost hear him shouting "Point Cooper" in his mind. She could certainly see where Sheldon got his competitive streak from. Her stomach clenched as other things occurred to her. Perhaps her plan with Sheldon wasn't such a good one after all. What if it doesn't work? Apparently, Granddaddy saw this as some kind of chess game. What if she lost? Worse, what if she won and Sheldon somehow took this as permission to never have to propose to her ever? With that, her brain went into full panic mode. How could she not have considered the ramifications of all of this before?

The old man let out a rasping laugh. "You may as well call me Granddaddy like all the rest. From what I hear, you'll be a Cooper soon enough anyway."

Amy's eyes went wide. What does he mean by that? Had Hank told him about seeing her and Sheldon kiss? Did Granddaddy—as Sheldon had worried—think that their kiss meant his grandson had proposed and she had accepted? She looked over at her boyfriend, who, strangely enough, didn't appear at all disturbed by this comment. The fact that Sheldon seemingly had so much faith in her ability to get them out of this situation was somewhat gratifying, but it didn't make her feel better.

"What's all this?" Mary interrupted. "You aren't trying to push my baby into getting married before his time, are you, Granddaddy? You remember when you did that with George Jr., right? His marriage didn't even last a year before he was divorced."

Granddaddy shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I'm just saying Sheldon's got quite a little filly here. He'd be a fool to let her get away. Besides, sounds to me like he already proposed."

Sheldon didn't look up from his plate as he corrected the old man. "No, I didn't."

Before Granddaddy could respond, Meemaw broke in. "Well I, for one, am glad to see my moon pie is using his noggin. He recognizes that a woman like Amy is special. She needs to be courted and romanced slowly; not dumped into the middle of a family reunion and proposed to out of nowhere. What woman wants that?" She reached over to pat Sheldon's hand. "Well done, honey."

Sheldon looked slightly confused by this compliment, but Amy seemed to be the only one who noticed this. Everyone else was too busy watching Reagan and the other female in-laws tearing into their respective spouses.

"How come you didn't take the time to romance me?" Reagan demanded.

"Yeah," another one added. "You proposed to me at this very reunion. Are you saying you only did it because Granddaddy told you to?"

After that, the rest of the lunch regressed to a performance worthy of a televised situation comedy. The female in-laws remained irate with their now overly-apologetic husbands. Meemaw and Mary were declared goddesses as everyone dug into the pecan pies, chocolate cake, and peach tortes they had made. Aunt Gladys questioned Sheldon about whether he lived close to any movie stars, which caused him to deliver a five-minute lecture on the geographical distance between Pasadena and Hollywood. At the end of this, Aunt Gladys simply looked at her husband, and said, "Does that mean 'no'?" And, finally, while Granddaddy was blocked from his main reason for making Amy dine near him, he still used his close proximity and position to demand her promise to return to next year's event.

As she had already agreed to this with Sheldon just yesterday, she smiled and said, "Of course."

A mollified Granddaddy sat back, running his fingers along the inside of his red suspenders. "Next year," he said, almost to himself.

Amy didn't want to know what he meant by that. Instead, she was curious how this whole thing had turned out so easy. She'd been so worried. But a few words from Mary and Meemaw had effortlessly diffused what could have been an explosive set of circumstances.

She contemplated this until the end of the lunch and all through the clean-up, but could find no reasonable explanation. She and Sheldon were invited to play cards with Missy, Riley, Beau, Reagan, and George. It was only when she and her boyfriend were on their way over to that particular tent that she mentioned the conundrum to him and found out the truth of the matter. Then, she only wondered how an intelligent being such as herself could have missed an answer so simple.

Sheldon explained his reasoning logically. Granddaddy had cornered them using his power and influence. The only two possible outcomes were their immediate agreement to be married or a series of punishments and emotional force from Granddaddy which would eventually compel them to accept marriage. Amy had agreed to deflect Granddaddy's anger to herself by refusing, of course. After further consideration, however, Sheldon had realized this would not actually free them from this problem. Granddaddy would have found a way around her and made a spectacle of them in front of the family in the process. The embarrassment and pressure would be too much to take. Thus, another solution was warranted. So, faced with a seemingly impossible situation, Sheldon employed the one failsafe guaranteed to save him whenever he got in over his head.

He tattled to his mother.


A/N: Thanks for all the lively and lovely comments (especially the one in Brazilian Portuguese—You know who you are). The three "F's" are always inspiring (Feedback, Follows, and Favorites). You guys are the best. More reviews are always welcome, of course. But, if you have cheered, laughed so hard you almost fell out of your chair, tugged on your hair, cussed your laptop, or have exclaimed "Oh, no he didn't!" at least once while reading this story, I'll consider that as proof enough that I've done my job well.