Chapter 12:

Letting Go


Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is not measured not by holding on, but by letting go~


Nothing remarkable happens that winter, and little the following spring.


Jacob, though still a baby, has grown firmer on his feet. No longer does he have to rely on the hand of another as he carts precariously around the house. He's becoming a proficient walker, even able to kick a ball with occasional success. Billy is so impressed with his son's becoming athletic ability that he signs him up for baby's soccer at just sixteen months. Billy learns the hard way that maybe he is just a teensy weensy bit young. Sarah doesn't say, 'I told you so', when Billy walks the screaming baby into the house. He doesn't need to hear it.

When the unpredictable weather of May has faded into the warmth of June, Jacob takes an interest in potty training. At first it's hardly noticed. Sarah's had to pull him out of the toilet before. But when it becomes a regular occurrence, and his shirts and pants are always stained with watermarks, Sarah begins to pay closer attention to her growing son. Finally, when Jacob has taken to storming into the bathroom every-time the door closes, she splurges and buys him a cute little potty complete with sound effects.

She's pleased with her purchase and so is Bella. She covers her mouth with her hand and giggles into it when she first sees it. She insists that Jacob will love it, as he loves anything the color blue the same.

Initially, the girls are right; Sarah will find him passed out on it, or pressing the pretend handle over and over as he laughs at all the silly sounds it makes. But after a few days, Sarah begins to realize that the investment is only a play toy to him. With the cute little toilet there to entertain him, he stops showing an interest in actually potty training entirely. Instead of gradually letting his fascination take its course, she decides to start training him while he has interest in the subject.

Sarah teaches him that it really is a mini version of the potty it's beside. The look of excitement on Sarah's face is indescribable when she finds the potty and the entire area around it sprayed with urine. It's messy and disgusting, but it's a start. She's one step closer from never having to walk down the diaper isle again (Billy and Sarah have already decided that four children is more than enough).

Unfortunately, his frequent spying sessions on his father have influenced him into believing that standing is the only way to go. When Sarah expresses discontentment, Jacob gets frustrated and refuses to use the potty ever again. Three weeks later, Sarah is still making regular trips down the diaper isle.

During this time, Bella has worked towards forgetting her father. Christmas had been one of the worst nights in her tiny existence. It had been wonderful hearing her father's voice, but what upset her was his ease in letting her go. The call had only been about 45 seconds, which was not nearly enough time for Bella to tell him all about her life at the Black's. She wanted to talk to her father, to tell him all about her new life without him. But he didn't want to hear it. And Bella doesn't like being sad.

The first step in her three-part plan is to color pictures of her family without Charlie. It is something she normally doesn't do. She always makes an effort to draw him in, whether he is off to the side, or in central focus. It is a big step for her, and it goes noticed by Billy.

"Where is Charlie?" he asks her one day spring day, while he watches her complete another drawing. It's her usual picture: Bella and Jacob are in the front holding hands, Sarah and himself are doing the same behind them, the twins sit isolated off to the side, but there is an unusual gaping space in the right side of the picture where Charlie usually hovers.

"Who," she asks innocently. She glances up at him in apparent confusion; her eyes narrowed quizzically.

That is the second step; to deny any knowledge of a man named Charlie. Whenever someone will mention his name, she'll go quiet. Or if anyone brings up his existence to her, she will claim she doesn't know whom they are talking about.

The third, and final step of her plan is to call Billy dad, daddy, or even father.

Billy's shocked the first time he hears it slip from her mouth. She attempts to tie her shoe; something the twins have pressured her into learning. Dexterity has not yet come to her, so she is a little awkward with maneuvering her fingers into the proper shapes to tie a bow. She scowls in frustration after her forth attempt, then throws her hands down in anguish. She then looks up at him and asks him for help, addressing him as 'daddy'. She has to ask once more before he finally closes his lax jaw.


Summer passes with ease, and then it is fall.

This fall would see Bella's fifth birthday, and with it her first day of school.

She is a little nervous that morning when Sarah wakes her up extra early. There is only one Elementary school in both La Push, and Forks, so to make it for the nine o'clock bell, they'll have to leave half-an-hour early. As Bella drags herself groggily out of bed, Sarah assures her she'll get used to it. In fact, she is certain she'll be excited to wake up to go to school the next day. Bella isn't so sure. Jacob won't be there.

Her hands shake as she brings the spoon to her lips. After she swallows her mouthful of cereal, she turns to Rachel who eats somberly across from her, "Tell me again how many kids there are there."

Rachel scowls and drops her spoon into the little blue ceramic bowl, "Lots. But none of them will like you."

"Rachel!" Sarah barks, looking at her young child in shock. She had figured that her snappiness would fade as she aged, but it's getting worse with every passing year.

"Well it's true. She's sooo annoying." Her arms fold over themselves and she looks at Sarah harshly. Sarah dreads the day she'll turn fourteen.

"You don't need to say that Rachel…" she says tiredly, the message is anything but new. Her eyes fall on Bella, who's hanging her head, "Just go put on your clothes darling. We're leaving in ten minutes."

Sarah had laid a pretty polka-dotted dress on her bed. Bella runs her fingers over the silky material. It isn't a hand-me-down, and it isn't a dress from the sale box at the grocery store in town; it's a brand new dress that Sarah picked up for her while on a trip into Port Angelus. The material smells fresh and clean; like lemons and soap. Though Bella isn't a fan of dresses like Rebecca is, she likes it.

"Jacob…" she whispers to the boy sitting a few feet away from her. "Can you zip it up pwease?" Bella tugs at the dress' zipper at the nape of her neck. It only has a few inches left to go, but it won't budge.

He slides toward her on his bum, and sweeps her hair messily away. She sighs at his touch; she'll miss it today. Awkwardly, the boy manages to get it up, and he sits back to admire his work. "Wah wrong Bell?"

"I'm scared," she mumbles to her lap. Daycare always took place at the Black's while she was with Charlie, and Sue's with the Black's. Apart from Rachel, Rebecca, Leah, Jacob and Quil, Bella has never been with kids her own age. Even when the twins bring home friends from school, she always isolates herself in her room. She doesn't know what to expect. If the kids are anything like Rachel and Rebecca claim, school doesn't sound fun. The only part Bella is looking forward is the learning, most children's least favorite part.

Jacob frowns in reaction. He doesn't like sad Bella. Instinctually his arms wrap around her waist, and they stay locked around each other until Sarah forces them apart.

The elementary school in Forks is the old town hall building. There had been a poll four years back, on whether to tear it down or refurbish the architectural beauty into a functional elementary school. It had been unanimous. They put a small park, complete with slides and swing sets, where the old parking lot had been. The only problem is that it was in the middle of the town next to a busy road. Fortunately, 'busy' in Forks means that no more than 6 cars pass by per hour. Most people walk.

Bella's eyes widen when she sees it. It is three stories high, massive (according to a 3 foot tall child), and scary looking. Flocks of children walk around on the lawn in front. Some are playing tag, others, tossing a ball back and forth, but all are screaming. Screaming so loud, Bella can hear them from inside the car.

It takes a lot of convincing and the promise of a treat after school, to draw the timid little girl from her car seat. The second Sarah puts Bella on the sidewalk and slides the pretty purple backpack from Sue over her fragile little shoulders, her eyes moisten.

"Do I have to?" she whines, looking back longingly at the car.

"Yes you do." Sarah takes her inside, past the little children, which she cowers from, and to the room that will be her classroom.

Bella wrinkles her nose when she steps inside. It doesn't smell like home. Sarah turns her around, and then kneels down to her level. "I have to leave now."

"No…I want to stay with you. I don't like it here. I don't know anyone. I'm-" she starts, but Sarah cuts her off.

"I'll be back in three hours ok? You're a big girl." She rubs her arms to comfort her and smiles softly at the frightened little girl who has begun to cry. Carefully, she swipes back her hair and presses a gentle kiss to the centre of her forehead, "I'll bring Jacob to pick you up. Then you can tell him all about your day." Sarah smiles reassuringly at her and takes a step back, breaking contact. She only cries harder.

Sarah knows that going back to comfort her isn't going to solve the problem. She straightens up and smiles down at her young daughter taking her first step toward independence. "Goodbye Bella. Have a good day."

The teacher has to physically remove Bella from Sarah's ankle. She doesn't want to let go. Her screams for her, making Sarah walk faster. She doesn't look back.

The morning bell rings just as Sarah slips through the door. She fights her way though the children and stands out on the quiet front steps. The tears that had begun to pool in her eyes slowly dry up, and she takes a deep breath of cool autumn air to calm herself.

"Oh Charlie," she mumbles as she makes her way to her car waiting for her outside the fence, "You should be the one crying for her right now."