AN: Ello peeps! Not too much to say up here. So meet me down below for a chitchat, yeah?


I don't remember how long I laid there on the floor, in my pretty party dress, with my ruined makeup and hair. I don't know how long it took for the tears to stop coming and I don't know when I just started staring off into space. I sat there and just let time float over me. I let it sweep over me like a waterfall, staring into the distance, trying to understand it all, trying to forget it all, trying not to let it destroy me. I felt the weight of everything, the past 10 years, Edward, my mother, Phil, Jacob, everything just weighing down on me, crushing me. And I couldn't move. I was powerless. I couldn't breathe. I was crying again, only knowing this by the hot tears that coursed down my face. My breaths were coming shorter. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I just…couldn't. What was happening? Why was this happening? Why did he have to do that? Why?

"Shhhh…Bella, love, it'll be alright. Don't cry, dear. Emmett, help me."

I didn't know when Alice had gotten here. I could only register the sound of her voice and the fact that I was now in the air and moving. Nothing made sense. Everything was gone. Everything was broken. Everything was bad.

I was set on what I think was my bed. Someone removed my shoes and got me out of my dress. I tried to help by holding myself up, but I just couldn't bring myself to move at all. I was still crying. I was still not breathing well. When I was in new clothes I felt someone curl up beside me, but it was the wrong someone. They were too small, too soft and feminine. Where were the arms that I loved? Where was the person I loved? Why wouldn't he hold me anymore? What had I done that he didn't want to hold me anymore?

I stayed where I was and I cried. I didn't recognize how much time had passed. I didn't move. I didn't sleep, but I wasn't awake. I drifted along in a state of half consciousness. All the while, those little arms never left me. I heard voices occasionally, but the arms never left. I think they were the only thing that kept me rooted to the earth.

And then one day, I stopped.

I remembered the new promise I had made to my mother. I wouldn't let this destroy me. I wouldn't let this break me. If Edward didn't want me, fine. I wasn't going to change who I was as a person for someone who obviously didn't accept me enough or want me enough.

So I got up.

I rose out of bed and stretched my arms above my head and then bent forward and touched my toes. My muscles ached and my back and shoulders cracked. A shower and some yoga were definitely in order.

I turned my head over my shoulder to see Alice sitting against the headboard of my bed looking at me worriedly.

I tried to speak but my voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Hey, Alice."

Her eyes went wide and she just stared at me. I looked down at myself to make sure I wasn't missing my pants or that I hadn't peed myself or something and when I saw that everything was in order, I looked back up at her.

"I need to call Esme and apologize."

These were obviously not the words she expected to come out of my mouth and she stared at me like I had two heads.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I called Edward a 'son of a bitch', that's insulting to Esme, I'd like to call and apologize."

It looked like she half wanted to laugh and half wanted to commit me. I was being dead serious. It bothered me that I had spoken ill of someone who had been so kind to me when my words were taken in the literal sense.

"Alice? Is something wrong?"

She still stared at me while she cautiously spoke to me, as though she were talking me down from a ledge.

"Bella… you've been laying here comatose for four days now, almost five. You wouldn't answer your phone so I came over the afternoon after the party. You wouldn't respond to anyone. You wouldn't eat, you wouldn't drink anything, you wouldn't talk, you wouldn't bloody move! And now, you're just hopping out of bed like it's just another morning and you haven't been lying around like the dead, wanting to call Esme. What the hell is wrong with you?"

I didn't know how to answer her. I was shocked that it had been four days since New Year's and it made me want a shower even more.

"I don't know what to tell you, Alice. It has to do with my mom. But really all I want to do right now is take a shower, get something to eat and maybe do some yoga or watch some movies. Are you staying?"

"Of course I'm staying! Are you insane? You've barely moved in four days and now you're all up and about; I'm not leaving you in case you decide to not move again and I need to call my dad to hook you up to an IV so you don't die."

I smiled at her sarcasm and the confused look she had on her face.

"Ok. Well, I'm going to get in the shower and change, do you want to pick a movie? We can talk then."

She sighed and shook her head like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yeah. I'll make you something to eat as well. Do you have any requests, love?"

I smiled at her; she was such a kind person. I knew I was lucky to call her a friend.

"Anything's fine, thanks."

I gathered up some new clothes, sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt, and headed for the shower. I wasn't ready yet to get dressed in anything other than lounge clothes, and I knew I wasn't going anywhere anyway, so it didn't really matter. I took my time in the shower; washing off all that remained of New Year's that I had been lying in for four days. I was disgusted with myself and made sure to scrub every inch of my body, partly to get the grime off of me and partly to try and erase what I'd seen and felt with soap and hot water. Though my first goal was met, loofahs can't scrub memories away, even with soap and scalding hot water. I got out of the shower and dressed before towel drying my hair and throwing it up into a messy bun. I walked out into the living room to find Alice sitting cross legged on the couch facing the door to my room, waiting for me to leave the room. She had a sandwich with a cut up apple on a plate with two water bottles next to it set up for me.

"Sit. Eat. It's turkey for protein, cheese for calcium, bread for carbs, and apples so you don't get scurvy. And if you don't drink those water bottles my Da will be over here to give you hell."

I smiled at her softly and she pointed to the couch and then to the plate, a determined look on her face. I sat down cautiously, folding my legs underneath me and began to eat, realizing that I was more hungry than I had thought. We sat in silence as I ate like it was my last meal. When I had finished my sandwich Alice was back with two pints of ice cream and a pair of spoons. Only when we had started in on the frozen treat did Alice finally speak.

"So… umm… Bella, I'm so terribly sorry."

She was digging her spoon into her carton of ice cream, almost stabbing at it while she looked at me from under her eyelashes, a look of intense remorse on her face.

"Alice, why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. "

"I shouldn't have told you he was upstairs. You never would have had to see that. You shouldn't have had to see that. Especially with the day you had… I never expected my brother to ever act like that again but I mean… I feel as though I'm partly at fault. I'm not entirely sure why, but can you just forgive me, please? Please, Bella?"

I set my ice cream down and hugged my small friend close to me, glad that for once I had someone in my corner with me.

"Alice, there is nothing to forgive, but if it makes you feel any better I have no ill feelings towards you. Thank you for staying with me and being here. Thank you for everything you've done. Please don't feel badly, you did nothing wrong."

Tears ran down both our faces as we pulled away from each other and smiled. We laughed at our ridiculous emotions and I wiped my face before grabbing my ice cream and settling back into the couch.

"Right then, enough of that! No more tears for you Ms. B!"

We laughed together again and fell into an easy conversation about her and Jasper and I learned more about her work in the fashion industry. There was a pause in the conversation that had Alice making a face like she had something else she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure exactly how to say it.

"Alice, just tell me."

We were reaching the ends of our pints and it seemed like what Alice was worried to tell me would have to come out into the open soon.

"I just… I'm so worried for you, Bella. You didn't move for four whole days. You sat and stared at a wall, I had no idea what to do, I didn't want to call my dad because I was afraid he'd put you in a hospital or something and I didn't want to call Edward because he'd demand to be here but you wouldn't want him here nor did he deserve to be here and I just… I can't see you go through that again. And now, you're just sitting there like nothing happened. I don't get it. I don't know what to do for you. It's like…I know how to deal with someone going through a break-up…but this…this was like someone had died, not like someone had betrayed you. It was like someone was gone forever and never coming back…"

I stared back into my carton and thought about what I was going to say to her.

"When my parents died, and I got the call confirming their death, I didn't talk. I didn't talk for weeks. Not when I had to identify the bodies, not when I made the arrangements, not at the wake or funeral. Weeks went by and I just couldn't bring myself to say a word. It was like, I had heard so much, and I just wanted to keep listening. I wasn't ready to break the silence or something. Maybe I thought I'd get one more chance to hear them? I don't know… it's hard to explain. I just kept hearing everything from that day over and over and over again in my head like someone had recorded it and hit repeat. It wouldn't go away, and I just couldn't make a sound. I stayed steeped in the silence."

"But one day, I came home, and all these boxes were there. Stupid stuff from their house, like dishes and glassware from my mom's first marriage, and some stupid ugly figurines that my dad's mom had given her at Christmases when they were married that she never got rid of. And I was just staring at them. I can't even remember how long I stared at those stupid boxes, minutes, hours, days, I don't know. But I remember at one point just getting up and walking to one of the boxes and looking inside. And it was so quiet. It was so, so quiet. I reached in and grabbed a dish, one of the ones my mom had picked out when she married my dad, things she hadn't used or wanted in years, and I threw it against the wall. It shattered into a million little pieces and it made noise. It broke the silence. I stopped hearing my parents dying over and over in my head. So I grabbed another and another and another. I just kept throwing it all. Stupid stuff that didn't mean anything. I threw them until the boxes were lying empty on the floor that was covered in broken glass and I couldn't move my arms. It wasn't quiet anymore. I turned on the television. I turned on the radio. I yelled and screamed and sang and shouted and cried. I made noise."

"But I had needed that silence. It was like it was the only thing that was holding me together. Usually I'm alone; I mean I'm always alone. I didn't expect you to come. I guess I just shut down, I couldn't deal with it all, remembering my mother, what he did, it just was too much. I needed the silence. And it was like he died. He doesn't want me anymore. Maybe he never did, so to me, it's like he died. He's gone. I just wanted to hear nothing for a while… I don't know how to really explain it all…"

I peeked up at Alice to see tears falling down her cheeks. Her hands were clasped in front of her mouth and she was shaking her head back and forth.

"Bella…I can't imagine some of the things you've been through. I can't imagine what that must have been like. What Edward did was inexcusable. Please, please, Bella, don't fall apart again. Don't start going back to the way you were. I know I haven't known you for very long but you've changed so much already. I don't want to lose you, Bella. None of us do."

None of them do? Apparently, one of them didn't care either way. But I wouldn't fall into that sort of thinking. I wouldn't bring those thoughts to the forefront of my mind.

"I don't want to keep living emptily like I've been doing, Alice. I thought that maybe Edward was what was supposed to save me. Now I guess I have to figure this out on my own. But I don't want to lose you either. You won't lose me. Just…don't give up on me please, don't leave me. I don't think I can honestly take another person leaving me."

Alice moved to hug me and we stayed like that for a long time. When she pulled away she began excitedly talking about a make-over she was planning on doing for me to give me a new look to match my new attitude. Apparently, I'd be a new Bella in no time.

Days seemed to pass slowly. I'd grown accustomed to hitting the ignore button on my phone more than ever before, as Edward incessantly called and texted me. He tried to send messages through Alice, Emmett and Jasper, but I wouldn't listen to what they had to say, and what I had to say in response was never anything that would be considered polite to repeat.

Alice was adamant about the style update, and she had enlisted the help of Rosalie as well. What she didn't anticipate though, was that Rose was going to be an unwilling participant. Rosalie apparently thought I was being overdramatic and selfish, not knowing the whole story herself. No one really did, only Edward and I. Alice didn't know all the details of my parents' deaths, just some of the basic facts that I told her. She didn't know about Charlie or Jake, but then again, no one did. So it wasn't right to be angry with Rose for not understanding, but at the same time, I could only take so much.

Alice was animatedly discussing my hair and how great it would look with some layers and side bangs. I hadn't cut my hair in ages, and it was now far past my waist in length. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and at my long wavy locks. Charlie had loved my hair long… freaking out whenever I cut it more than a few inches. Jake had loved to use it like a leash, something to keep me rooted in place and never too far from him. I remembered my mother with her bald head as a result of chemo. I smiled to myself as I grabbed a hair tie while Alice talked to Rosalie about her vision for me. I tied the band low against my back, so that at least 10 inches lay below the tie. I pulled it over my shoulder, picked up the scissors, and cut my hair high above the elastic, so that what remained of my hair hit at my collar bone. I set the pony tail to the side to send to Locks of Love later and looked at what remained of my hair. It was already slightly curlier from the lack of added weight. I twisted my hair side to side and could imagine what Alice was talking about more and more. I looked in the reflection of the mirror to see Alice with a shocked, then proud look on her face while Rose, well, Rose looked down right pissed.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

My face registered a look of shock as her words hit me as though she had slapped me across the face. I turned in my chair to face her.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, don't get all holier than thou on me, lil miss Susie Church Go-er. Listen, you're moping around and acting like you're going to make this whole big dramatic change in your life because boo-fucking-hoo a man didn't want you. And he wasn't even dating you. You're all busting Edward's balls over this stupid lil weak girl who can't do anything for herself! She's moping around like someone killed her fucking kitten right in front of her and we're all supposed to bow down at her feet and say 'Poor Bella Swan'? Why? What the fuck has she been through that she deserves our pity? Her mother had cancer? Yeah, that sucks, and I'm sorry for your loss, but that was a long time ago honey, and you can't keep blaming other people for making you sad. It's time you grew up and got on with your own life instead of trying to manipulate a whole family into bending over backwards for you."

"Rose…"

Alice tried to intervene but Rosalie just kept talking over her, determined to make a point.

"No, Alice she needs someone to kick her ass, and since you're all coddling her, I guess I have to be the one to do it."

She turned back to me with fire in her eyes and kept talking.

"Yeah, a guy screwed you over. What girl hasn't been screwed over by a guy? Let me tell you something, sweetheart, you don't know anything 'bout suffering. Let me tell you something, darlin', take a god damn walk in my fuckin Jimmy Choo's and we'll see how hard your life's really been. You think you've had it rough? You don't know any-fucking-thing."

The longer she talked the more her southern accent became more prominent. And the more she thoroughly pissed me off. She knew nothing about me, she knew nothing about my life, and if she had, she would eat her words.

"Rosalie, I respect your opinion of me, and I don't need or want anybody's pity or sympathy. I didn't ask for any of your help. It was offered. And I was never even given the option of accepting. If you think I don't know suffering, fuck you."

I spoke calmly and quietly, not getting nearly as worked up as she had. I was tired, tired of defending myself, tired of explaining myself, tired of people looking at me like I'm a fucking animal in a zoo.

"Fuck you and you thinking you're so much better and stronger than me. I may not be a strong woman by some standards, Rosalie Whitlock Cullen, but I've survived more fucking shit in my first 20 years of life than most people ever have nightmares about in the course their entire lives. So excuse me for finally deciding I'm going to do something for myself for once in my fucking life. Excuse me for putting myself before what everyone and their mother wants. "

"And no, Rose, we weren't dating. But what you probably didn't know was that Edward had asked me out on a date. He had told me that he thought about marrying me. He told me he thought I was the one. And my past life experiences tell me that you don't trust men as far as you can fucking juggle them one handed while riding a unicycle. So it was a big fucking deal for me to trust your brother-in-law. You don't know anything about me. You know nothing about my life and I'm not going to sit here and justify what I've been through. I'm not about to drop trou and compare who's is bigger, Rosalie. I don't know what you've been through in life, but don't you dare, don't you fucking dare assume to know anything about mine."

I reached back around to face the bathroom sink I was sitting at and grabbed my cell phone, quickly scrolling down to Edward's name. I pressed the green call button and held it out to Rosalie.

"Here, call him. Tell him I told you to ask him about my parents. Ask him what New Year's Eve is. Ask him what happened five years ago. Tell him you want details. Tell him you want to know everything. Tell him I told you to ask him. He owes me this much, he owes me not having to relive it when I retell the story. I don't want to compare my pain with yours Rosalie, and this is only half of my life story, but I won't let you walk around thinking that I'm just being a spoiled brat. Call him, and take a walk in my fucking shoes before you judge me."

She grabbed the phone from me as a faint voice could be heard calling my name over the line. She walked from the room and I laid my head down on the counter, facing the open doorway. Alice, who had been standing silently throughout this whole episode walked up next to me and started stroking my hair and humming softly. I listened to the melody she sang and tried to get my mind of the horrible memories. I didn't want to be stuck in the past; I wanted to create a new future. Sometime later Rosalie walked back into the bathroom, sheepishly looking at her feet.

I didn't want to dwell on the death of my parents, so I asked her a question before she could say anything.

"Rosalie, who can you always count on to protect you? Who do you know would go through fire and hell to keep you safe?"

She looked up to meet my blank stare with one of confusion.

"My family? Emmett?"

She answered like it was a question, her voice barely above a whisper.

I shook my head slightly.

"No, one person, in your family who would always protect you, who's known you your entire life. Someone who would lay down their life for you. Emmett isn't an option; the person who was my Emmett abandoned me. Who, Rosalie? Who?"

She looked at me curiously for a while before she answered, again speaking barely above a whisper, shaping her answer to be more like a question.

"My father?"

I smiled slightly, but not out of humor or happiness.

"Your father. That's right. Your father is the one person who's always supposed to protect you. He's supposed to be there when you want to cry about the boy that's mean to you. He's supposed to threaten all your prospective dates, demanding unreasonable curfew times. Your father is supposed to help you decide where you're going to go to college, to tell you your prom dress shows too much cleavage and to put on a sweater, he's supposed to be there when you graduate from high school and go off to college, he's supposed to be there when you get your bachelors degree, trying to stop tears of pride from leaking out of his eyes now that his little girl is all grown up and going into the real world."

"He's supposed to grill your first steady boyfriend that you're going to move in with, and make sure he threatens him within an inch of his life. He's supposed to be there the day that that same boy comes alone and asks for his permission to ask a very important question, and he's supposed to be one of the first ones you call when you give your answer. He's supposed to walk you down the aisle when you get married and get excited when you call about grandkids. He's never supposed to leave you. He's never supposed to hurt you. He's supposed to always protect you."

"My dad wasn't like that. He didn't care. He didn't… He didn't protect me…He didn't protect me from himself."

I lifted my gaze from its place on the ground to lock with Rosalie's. She was looking ashamed, much like Edward had when I told him about my parents' deaths.

"I haven't seen or heard from my biological father in seven years. He knows where I am. He doesn't care."

I kept my gaze locked with Rosalie's for a long time. Silent tears at my admission streamed down her face and she looked at me with sorrow.

"Don't pity me. Don't look at me like I'm some poor broken thing, you just told me not fifteen minutes ago that I didn't deserve it, that's not why I told you this, that's not why I had you call him. Don't pity me. I know suffering, Rosalie. Maybe not in the same way that you do, but I do know suffering. I still suffer. But don't pity me. If that's what you're going to do then you know where the door is and you can let yourself out."

I got up from where I was sitting and turned to Alice, who had again been surprisingly silent throughout this whole thing. Tears streamed down her face as well, and the look she gave me told me that her heart was breaking. But I was so tired now. I didn't want people to sympathize with me, and I didn't want to compare my life with someone else's. Life sucked, and then you died. That was pretty much all there was to it. I had learned that at an early age, and seemed to keep learning it the older that I became. And it just made me tired.

I looked at both Alice and Rosalie before facing Alice.

"I'm really tired now, Al. Do you mind if we do this make-over thing another day? I'm not feeling so great right now."

Alice smiled at me sadly, as tears kept falling from her eyes.

"Sure thing, love. You go rest. We'll get at it another day."

I smiled back at her and turned to see Rosalie standing in the doorway of the bathroom, blocking my way into my bedroom and to my bed, the only place I really wanted to be. I sighed before walking towards her.

"There are some cupcakes in the fridge, Rosalie. I made some for you to take home for you and Emmett. There's a container for Alice and Jasper as well. Help yourselves to those and anything else in the kitchen if you want it. Make yourselves at home."

I brushed passed her in the doorway, squeezing through as she turned to the side to let me pass. I curled up on my bed and crawled inside, desperate to let the world disappear for a while.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, at times hearing Alice scold Rosalie for her behavior and other times hearing their worried whispers. Later I heard male voices added into the whispers. But I didn't care. I just kept drifting. It was nice to feel nothing sometimes.

But it never lasted forever.

I was ripped from my dream as I sat up straight in my bed and screamed, sobs ripping through my body. The fear was real, the fear that I ran so far from that consumed me. I didn't want to be so afraid all the time; I didn't want to be so weak. I hadn't had nightmares for so long…Edward had seemed to keep them at bay. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, unfamiliar arms, and I jerked away in fear, clamoring to the other side of the bed.

"Shh…Bella, It's me, Rose. It's ok, Bella. It's ok."

It was the last person I would ever expect to come to my aid when I was in the middle of a nightmare but at the same time, it made sense. She thought this was some sort of penance, she felt she had some debt to pay for hurting me this morning.

I was still crying and I tried my best to calm down. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this, especially not someone who had outright called me weak.

"You don't have to stay Rosalie. I'll be…I'll be ok. I just need a minute. You shouldn't feel like you need to stay, you don't owe me anything."

She sat there silently for a moment before she crawled across the bed and gathered me in her arms. I laid there stiffly for several moments before she softly began to sing.

Swing Low,

Sweet chariot,

Coming forth to carry me home,

Swing Low,

Sweet chariot,

Coming forth to carry me home.

I'm gonna walk all around God's heaven,

Meet the loved ones I've lost before,

I'm gonna sit by the banks of the river,

'til we meet to part no more.

Swing low,

Sweet Chariot,

Coming forth to carry me home.

Swing low,

Sweet chariot,

Coming forth to carry

Me home.

She sang the song over and over, singing of when someone would come to take me from this earth, when someone would come to take me from this pain. It was a song my mother used to sing to me, one I was shocked that she knew, even though it originated in the South. It was an old slave ballad about reaching freedom, and the salvation that it offered from pain. It was about the desire to be free, free from whatever oppressed you and to start a new life. It was about death and how it wasn't something to fear.

Death is easy; it's simple and unchangeable. It's something you can't control. Death is peaceful, even in traumatic circumstances. It's inevitable and predictable. It's omnipresent. Death is effortless.

Life is hard. Living each and every day is hard. Getting up each morning when you had the weight of the world on your shoulders makes it hard.

Death is easy, it's an instant, a brief moment, and then nothing, then Heaven or whatever waits for us after our last breath.

Death is easy, living isn't.

Days turned to weeks. The calls and texts were still being ignored, but they were now accompanied by flowers. The flowers made me increasingly angry.

My affections and forgiveness couldn't be bought. Flowers should not be given as a means to beg for forgiveness for a betrayal. Flowers should be given as a reminder of feelings, as a thoughtful gesture, as something that is a surprise and is heartfelt. This felt like Edward was trying to use money to get me to accept his apologies. It felt like he thought a few bouquets of roses and irises could make me forget what I had walked into. They wouldn't. He sent all my favorites, he sent ones I'd never heard of, he sent flowers in colors I didn't even know existed. But it didn't fix anything.

Then books started coming with the flowers. They lay in a pile next to my couch, though I was increasingly tempted to devour them, I didn't want to be materialistic. I didn't want things from Edward, I had wanted him, and flowers and books weren't going to take the place of what I thought I would have. Flowers last a few weeks at most. Books last for as long as you take care of them, maybe years. What I thought I would have had would have lasted forever. Nothing compared to that.

He started sending food, chocolates, anything he seemed to be able to think of. The flowers and the books were always included, but each bouquet and novel brought with them a new mystery item.

It was like he was either seeking to gain my forgiveness through material things or he was seeking to ease his own guilt through the same means. Neither reason sat well with me, neither reason meant I could have him.

Then a day came when I came home from a meeting with my advisor to find that Edward had not only sent over the usual flowers and books, but a small, nondescript box rested against my front door along with the usual items. Normally the mystery item was easily identifiable. I curiously picked everything up and carried it inside to the kitchen table.

I dumped the flowers and book on the table and threw my bag onto the couch, carrying the box with me into my room. I grabbed the scissors off of my desk and sliced open the packaging, shaking out the items. Two small, navy pouches lay on the bed in front of me and I knelt down to get closer to them. I opened the first and shook out a gorgeous ring with a glass stone over a piece of lace. Either the stone had a pink or red tint to it or the lace itself was red or pink. It was set in gold and was oval shaped. I stared at the ring for a few moments before I hastily opened the next pouch, which held an even more gorgeous cameo slide bracelet. It had intricate details and muted colors. They were two of the most gorgeous pieces of jewelry I'd ever seen, things that I would have picked out for myself in a heartbeat, but would never have been able to afford. I brushed my finger tips along the bracelet, admiring the craftsmanship and the small, delicate details. I jumped up from where I sat and raced to grab my phone, scrolling down to find Edward's name in my contacts.

I paced as I waiting for him to answer, glancing back at the jewelry that lay on my bed.

Flowers and books and candy were one thing, jewelry was a whole other deal.

And I was furious.

"'Ello. You've reached Edward Cullen. I'm not able to answer my mobile right now. But if you'd leave a message, I'll ring you back when I can. Cheers!"

Even his voicemail message made me furious. But this way, I had a chance to speak. I had this opportunity to speak uninterruptedly and let him know exactly what I was thinking. I had a chance to break the silence.

"Do you honestly think that you can give me a few flowers and some books and chocolates and that I'd call you up and tell you that everything's ok? That you can move on with your life because you don't have to feel guilty anymore? You give flowers to someone as a sign that you admire them, you do it to be thoughtful and sweet, you maybe do it when you have a small fight, you don't rely on them to say things that you yourself should be saying! What do flowers say, Edward? Huh? What do they say? And you think, you honestly think, that you can send me jewelry that I know had to cost a fortune and that I'd call you and thank you and tell you that I think we need to talk? Is that what you thought was going to happen? That I would see the jewelry as some sort of grand gesture that would make me immediately run to you? Bullshit! What does jewelry say, Edward? Huh? Because to me it seems like you're trying to bribe me, like you think that you can buy my affections, it's like you're trying to guilt me or buy me or something, but whatever it is you're doing, it's not working and I. Do. Not. Like. It. So stop! Ok? Just stop! Stop with the flowers and the books, and I swear, if you ever send me jewelry again I will kick your ass from here to Shanghais. Is this you trying to have your actions speak louder than your words? Is it, Edward? Because if it is, you're an idiot. This is your wallet speaking louder than anything, and it's not going to work. Nothing will work. So just…stop. I'm mailing back the jewelry, and if it wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg, I'd mail back the books, too. The flowers are going in the garbage disposal. Have a great fucking day."

I hung up the phone and threw it on the bed. I grabbed the jewelry and shoved it back in the bags and into the box. I replaced the tape and made it look like it'd never been opened before I grabbed a giant red marker and wrote: RETURN TO SENDER in big, bold letters, slapping a few stamps on it just in case. I raced out of my apartment and down the stairs until I reached the entrance to my building and flung it open, not caring if anyone saw me acting crazy. I ran to the nearest mailbox and shoved the box inside it, slamming the little door shut. I stared at it as I backed up a few steps before I turned and ran back home.

I was lying in my bed, where I had flung myself after returning from mailing the box Edward had sent when there was a loud pounding on my door. I glanced at the clock and saw it was one in the morning; I had fallen asleep without changing my clothes or bothering to make dinner. I stretched until I heard the pounding coming from the door again.

Who could be at the door?

Why would they be here at one in the morning?

Who did I know besides the Cullens?

They would call me or let me know if they were coming…

What if it was…? It couldn't be… He wouldn't come and find me…

"Bb….Beeelllllaaaaaaaaaaa! Open the dooooooorrr, bootiful Belllaaaaaaaaaa!"

Oh, shit.

I knew that voice, though I'd never had the pleasure of hearing it piss drunk. A part of me was relieved that it wasn't who I had originally thought it was, but another part of me thought this was worse than what I had anticipated.

I ran to the door and looked through the peep hole to see Edward standing there looking disheveled, he had a lot of scruff on his face, it looked like he hadn't showered in a while, and his clothes looked dirty. He didn't look so great, but the sight of him still brought me that strange calm.

That strange calm that was destroyed the minute he started pounding on the door and shouting again.

"I got your message Belllaaaaaa! I don't think you're a whore to be purchased! I'm not trying to buy you! I just want to hold you again, love! I miss your smmmmeeeelllllllllllll."

He dragged out certain words and seemed to sing others. He was still beating on the door and yelling and I was actually frightened of him.

"Beeeelllllaaaaaa! If you don't open the door, I'll open it for yoooouuuu! I'm coming in the eeeeeeasssssy way or the hhhh-… hhh- huuuuhh… HARD way, love!"

I quickly slid my bar lock closed and made sure the dead bolt and chain were in place as well as the door handle lock. Once I made sure the locks were good and tight I checked the windows that had access to the fire escape and made sure they were locked, too. Then I ran to my phone and dialed a number as fast as my shaking fingers would let me.

"…what in the bloody hell is so important to ring someone at…bloody bollocks! One in the morning? Who the bloody hell is this?"

I whimpered and noticed for the first time that tears were streaming down my face.

"Emmett…"

My voice broke as I choked on a sob. This was all too familiar to me, it was bringing back horrible memories that I never wanted to relive. It was bringing back the fear, something I had fought so hard to rid myself of, something that I couldn't seem to fully outrun.

"Bella. What's wrong, duck? Tell me what's wrong, love. Are you alright?"

I cried harder into the phone, unable to speak.

"Lass, you've got to tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Are you hurt, Bella? What's happened?"

I took a shaky breath to try and hold off the tears and muttered one jumbled sentence before I succumbed to the sobs that were desperate to leave my body.

"Edward…he's at my door…drunk…I'm scared. He's pounding… won't stop shouting…won't leave…so scared."

I heard Emmett curse under his breath and the faint voice of Rosalie in the background, whispering about who he was talking to and what was wrong.

"Listen, Bella. It's going to be alright, ok, love? I'm going to call Jasper and maybe another mate and we'll come and get this arse, alright? Don't answer the door, Bella, and don't listen to anything he says, ok? It's going to be ok, Bella. I have your spare keys you gave Alice, is it alright if I use them, love?"

I gasped and choked a little before letting him know I had used the bar lock on my door.

"Good. That's good love. Listen. Why don't you go undo it, ok? I'm already on my way to Jazz's place to grab him; Rose called him already, ok, love? It'll be alright, duck. I'll be right there ok?"

I made a noise to let him know I understood and moved to undo the bar lock on my door. I ran back to my bedroom and shut the door, curling up on my bed and sobbing. The knocking and shouting coming from my front door never ceasing. Sometime later, it got louder and it sounded like Edward kicked my door, and I sobbed harder. Not long after that, I felt arms wrap around me, and a voice whisper soothingly into my ear as another pair of hands stroked my hair.

Emmett, the older brother that I had always wanted and never had, was here to protect me, and Rosalie had come with him to offer some sort of comfort. I lay in their arms until I had cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up to Emmett and Rosalie sitting in my kitchen drinking coffee. They stopped talking as soon as I entered the room and I did my best to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation.

"Blonde and skinny, can you get me some of that liquid gold you're drinking please? Bottomless Pit, you better not have eaten all of my cereal."

Emmett laughed loudly as Rosalie moved to get me a cup of coffee, placing a steaming cup in my hand before returning to her seat next to Emmett, who assured me he hadn't touched my beloved honey bunches of oats.

Emmett told me that Rose would be spending the day with me while he went to have a talk with Edward. He promised me that what happened last night would never happen again and that he would make sure that Edward never bothered me like that anymore. I thanked him and turned to Rose to start discussing the day. We still weren't as close as Alice and I were, and it was still awkward since I felt like our friendship was fueled mainly by pity, but today I didn't want to be alone with the memories that last night brought up, so I really didn't care about her motivations. I wanted to forget what happened. I wanted to forget the memories. I wanted to forget Edward.

Two days later, the letters started coming.


AN: Well? Thoughts? Let me have it my peeps! I'm looking forward to hearing them!

Just a few things, first off: there are 51 reviews to this story. and 66 favs or story alerts. (some people have both though but i'm not going to try and figure out that so i can give a more exact number.) ANYWHO! those are the stats right now. So if you want the super fab outtake of your choice, review and let me know what you'd like to see that we haven't seen. If you want to wait until we get to some more action, then let me know.

Second:

I have a few rec's I'd like to give. These are a few of the fics i'm reading right now that OWN me.

Primero:

Coming Through the Rye by Mac214. Umm... Edward is from Scotland. I don't really think I need to say anything else. He wears a kilt. He has an accent. I love how this writer actually writes phoenetically so that whatever Edward's saying is written the way its pronounced. Love the affect that adds to it. Basically, in this fic Edward looses his job and is in danger of losing his working visa and being deported. (*GASP* E-gad!) So of course, what does Bella, who's been in love with E since he first came across the pond, do? Well, offers to marry him if he can't find another job of course! Hilarious, heartfelt, and complete! which makes some people a whole lot of happy. ;)

Grand Jeté by stella luna sky. Ok in this one, Bella is a dance teacher but doesn't really have a ton of passion in her life. Enter Edward: he's recovering from cancer. There's some drama, there's some fluff, there's a heck of a lot of reading that makes me wish the story was completed and not in progress so I could read the whole dang thing in one swoop. I'm not sure how to summerize this one, just go read it. You won't be sorry.

My Ride Home by ocdmess. OK. LOVE LOVE LOVE this one. seriously It's been messing with my head and when I think I've figured something out the writer throws a smoke bomb in my face and I'm completely lost again. Edward is the new kid in town and Bella has a whole load of shit that she's dealing with, which include but is not limited to: an alcohalic father, a drifting friend, a mother who just doesn't give a shit, and now the new kid pissing her off. It's only seven chapters in but let me tell you, those seven chapters have me begging for more and I legit can't wait until the next update.

y el ultimo:

Hearts Keeping Time by adair7. In this one B swears off men. Musicians especially. But what happens when she gets a job with the help of friend Alice, and then subsiquently (spelled that wrong.) gets an interview with one of the hottest up and coming bands through A's connections also and WHAT IS THIS? how did Hot Coffee Guy get here? E is, of course, a musician. DUN DUN DUN! but its oh so fab. I love the characters she writes and the way she builds up Bella and Edward's relationship while they're apart and how at first, E thinks B is the enemy because she is a reporter (ahem, journalist thank you very much.) so READ THESE! and review lots my peeps!

that's all she wrote folks! i'm working on chapter 13 now and should be able to get it to musegirl by tonight or tomorrow. speaking of musegirl: many thanks to her beta-ing skills as well as the many rec's she gave me that i have to read through and probably have a small love affair with since she rocks at finding good fics.

so: who's writing the letters? what did Em say to E? what REALLY happened with Bella's dad and where does Jacob fit into all of this? we'll find out my chickadees. we will find out.

Read, review and LEAVE ME SOME LOVE!

xoxo

Mo