"I'm just over being sad! I need you to tell me how to not be sad anymore!" Erin stated angrily to Dr. Charles. She paced his small office and the plopped herself down on the couch crossing her arms in anger.
His demeanor remained calm as he took in her anger. "You don't really seem so sad right now. You seem more… mad than sad?"
Erin narrowed her eyes at the doc, not caring that he was a medical professional. She was irritated that he just didn't understand. "I'm mad about being sad!"
"Oh!" Dr. Charles replied nodding as if it was all so clear to him now.
Erin studied him, unsure if he really understood what she meant or if he was just mocking her. "So fix it! Fix me! Tell me what to do so I am not this sad person that I hate! I have never been like this before. I mean, sure when Nadia died I was sad and grieving, but this…this is…just depressing! I just mope around the house. Mope around work. I know I give off this depressed vibe whenever I am out with my friends. And Jay…" Erin paused for a bit as she thought about how Jay looked at her. His beautiful blue eyes looking at her with remorse, disappointment, and a myriad of other emotions. "He just looks at me like it's so pathetic that I am still pining away for him."
Dr. Charles leveled his eyes at her in that studious way that he had, "Just to clarify, but is all this sadness still as a result of your break up with Jay?"
Erin nodded vehemently.
"But…correct me if I'm wrong, but for a few weeks things were better. You and Jay were getting along again. You mentioned training for a marathon or something?" Erin gave a slight nod, but kind of averted her eyes. "Did something happen?"
Despite her vow that she didn't want to talk about Jay anymore, she knew that Dr. Charles wouldn't likely let her get away with not discussing the person that he very well knew was at the root of some of her issues.
Erin sighed, "Yeah, we kind of got into it the other night."
"About your break up?"
Erin shook her head, "Not really. It was just more about… I don't know…about him not kissing me anymore?" She looked away in embarrassment.
The doctor raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Him kissing you. That's a problem?"
"Yes!" Erin replied angrily, "He has a new girlfriend! He can't go around and kiss me when he has some other girl that he is dating."
"Ahhhh…" Dr. Charles is starting to understand a bit more clearly what the issues was. "So, let me get this straight. He has somebody new, but is still trying to… engage in a relationship with you."
Erin's brow furrowed as she thought about that comment. "Well, I guess so. I mean, I know he is dating this other girl, but I do know that he still has feelings for me." She gave the doctor a frustrated look. "I mean, things are over between us, but we just still have this… chemistry."
"Sexual attraction?" Dr. Charles questioned bluntly.
Erin blushed a bit, "Yes, we have that, but no, that's not what I meant." She sighed as she tried to put it into words. "It's like it doesn't matter if we are fighting. It doesn't matter if we are apart, we just still know what the other one needs. We just have the same sense of humor, enjoy the same things. We know how to be there for each other. When we decide to set all the relationship drama aside, we can instantly be back to being best friends again. And then, yeah, there's the attraction, too. When we get too close, too much in each other's space, it's hard to resist. It's always there."
Dr. Charles looked at her thoughtfully, "Do you want to be back in a relationship with Jay?" He carefully proposed the question.
Erin blinked a few times as she looked at him. She tried to pretend that this was something she had to think about. As if she didn't already know the answer to that question. As if she didn't go back to her actions two months and regret them every day. Instead of pushing him away, she would pull him close and never let go. That she would let him love her and learn to show and share her love with him. Her voice was small when she answered him, "Yes."
"Do you think Jay wants to be back in a relationship with you?"
Erin's mind spun with thoughts of Jay. She imagined Jay laughing at her as she lay collapsed on the park bench after their run. She sees Jay making faces at her behind Ruzek's back as their colleague makes some dumb comment. The image of Jay's new girlfriend flashes though her mind, before being replaced by the memory of Jay pulling her to him and kissing her last night. Then the image transforms into a vision of Jay kissing someone else.
She tries to make her voice void of emotion, "He has a new girlfriend."
"Yet he is still kissing you." Dr. Charles quickly responds.
Erin remembers the passion that quickly overtook them when they kissed. It felt amazing. Their connection instant. Erin shook off the memory, "It doesn't matter anymore. I am moving on. Am I ready to date other guys?" She looked at Dr. Charles expectantly.
He gave her a confused look. "Are you asking me for permission?"
She kind of shrugged a bit, "Well, kind of. Do you think I am in the right state of mind to date? Or am I just going to screw up whoever I date now, too?"
"I think that's only something that you can decide."
"Then I am. I am ready to date. I'm done being sad. I am going to date someone new. One way or another, I am going to be happy."
….
Jay leaned against the fridge and mindlessly allowed his eyes to follow the countdown on the microwave as it approached zero. Once it beeped, he popped the door open and pulled out his leftover Chinese food. Finding the container hotter than he expected, he juggled it lightly in his hands as he made his way to the table. Sitting down, he started to eat his lunch. Most of the team was out for the day investigating their most recent case. He and Burgess had spent the morning reviewing tapes with Mouse. He was glad for the quiet of the break room, which allowed him to be alone with his thoughts. He'd had a lot on his mind over the last four days since the weekend.
He had kissed Erin.
He hadn't been drunk. She hadn't been drunk. He had just kissed her. She had kissed him back. For those few minutes, all the pain and heartbreak of the last few months once again had disappeared. For a moment, he had thought that maybe it would be the moment. The moment when things stopped being so difficult and they just found each other again. But it hadn't been. Erin had walked away. Calling it a slip up. She'd walked away like she usually did. Uninterested in figuring out what it would take for them to work. Not willing to fight for what she wanted. Not wanting to fight for him.
Burgess walked into the breakroom carrying a clipboard, twirling a pen in her hand. "Okay, Atwater says he needs everybody's plus ones today if we want to get onto the VIP list. Actual names, annnd…. If you are not going to use your plus one, I am taking it. I've got a group of girlfriends who are dying over the fact that I am getting into the club for this concert, let alone into the VIP section. Olinsky said I could have his spot and his plus one, but Dawson and Erin both are using theirs."
Jay's eyes flew up from where he had been studying his chow mien, "Wait! What? Who is Erin's plus one?"
Kim looked at Jay, startled. "Umm, no one," she lamely answered, realizing she had made a grave error. Instinctively, her hand slid toward the clipboard that she had placed on the table in between them.
Jay was too fast though, and slammed his hand down on the board and jerked it out of her hands before she could firmly grasp it. Kim leaned across the table to try and grab it to no avail. Jay held it out of her reach easily, angling it so he could read the list of names.
"Who the fuck is Nick West?" he practically bellowed.
Kim stood up and yanked the clipboard out of Jay's hands. Since he already had the information he needed, he let her grab it back. "He's none of your business."
His eyes blazed, "Who is he, Kim?"
"Stay out my love life! Weren't those your words? I'm staying out of this as requested!"
He looked at her imploringly, "You're supposed to be my partner!"
"She's my friend!"
He gave her his most desperate look. His blue eyes pleading. Kim rolled her eyes, "Does that look actually work on women? You look pathetic."
Jay sighed in frustration, "Come on. Who is this Nick West? Just give me something, Kim. It's not like you don't share things about me with Erin." Jay needed to know who this guy was. How had Erin met him? Who was he? Were they involved?
Kim thought about the situation. She still firmly believed that Erin and Jay needed to work things out. She knew sometimes that two people who loved each other couldn't make it work. Adam and her were proof of that, but when she looked at Jay and Erin, she saw two people that she thought could make it work. They just seemed so right for each other. She understood that Jay was hurt by Erin, but she thought it was time he forgave her and gave Erin a second chance. She knew despite her words, that Erin wanted to be with Jay again, despite her current actions. Maybe telling him what was going on would get these two idiots to figure things out.
"Okay, but do not repeat this to Erin. I can't have you going off half-cocked on her because of what I tell you." Jay nods in agreement, his body tense as he prepares himself for the information. "So, I guess seeing you out with Lily on Friday night, just kind of spurred her to move on too. She met some guy on Monday night at the gym, and they got coffee the next day. She mentioned the club concert Saturday night, and invited him as her date. That's it. End of story."
Jay had a suspicion that it was more likely him kissing her the other night that might have spurred Erin to find someone new to date, but if Kim didn't know about that incident, then Jay certainly wasn't going to bring it up. He sat angrily in his seat staring hard at the clipboard that now was back in Kim's hands. He didn't know how to feel about this new development. He couldn't blame Erin, but it still bothered him. A part of him had hoped that when Erin finally felt ready to get back out there, that she'd seek him out. That they'd figure out what went wrong. After all, he thought he had made it pretty clear that he still cared about her. Even the other night when he kissed her. He thought that it was pretty clear he still wanted her, wanted to be with her, but apparently Erin wasn't looking to fix the past. She was looking forward…to someone new.
Trying to end the awkward silence, Kim spun her pen around before tapping it on the clipboard. "So….are you coming to the concert?" There was some doubt in her voice, as if she was questioning whether or not he'd actually want to be there now that he knew that Erin was going to be there with someone else.
Jay narrowed his eyes, "Yes. I'm in." He was definitely going to get a look at this Nick West.
Kim scribbled something on her clipboard. "Okay, then I just need Lily's last name, so I can put her down as your plus one." She looked up at Jay expectantly.
Jay gave her a slightly surprised look.
Kim stared back at him. "You are bringing Lily, right? Or Will?" She questioned.
Jay just stared blankly at her, then he shook his head, "Umm, yeah, Lily is fine. Lily is good. I didn't ask her yet, but I'm sure its fine."
Kim laughed at his off behavior, "Okay, so I just need her last name. Atwater says the VIP list needs full names." Her pen hoovered over the paper on her clipboard, eyes looking expectantly at him.
Once again, Jay just stared blankly at her. Kim tapped her pen on the paper again to try and get his attention, "Jay….last name….Lily?"
An embarrassed look crossed Jay's face, "Ummm…"
"Jay! You do know your girlfriend's last name?" A flush crept up Jay's face, and he searched his mind for the missing piece of information.
"Jay! What the hell is going on?" Kim slammed her hand on the table causing Jay to jump.
Jay gave Kim a look. He knew that sharing this information with Kim could lead to all sorts of trouble for him. "Yeah, I just…I'm drawing a blank, but…um…I think its…." He ran his hand through his hair as he tried to think of a way out of this situation. "I think its…"
"Liar! Don't lie to me, Jay!" Kim glared at him, and she began to put the pieces together. Jay never mentioning that he was dating anyone. Jay still being clearly hung up on Erin. The first date awkwardness between Lily and Jay the night Kim talked to them at Molly's. She shook her head at Jay as she realized the truth, "You are not even dating Lily, are you? Is that even that girl's name."
"Yes!" Jay exclaimed, scrubbing his hands across his face as he realized his half-truths were about to all be revealed. "Her name is Lily."
"And….what exactly is your relationship status with her?" Kim demanded. Jay realized that Kim's interrogation techniques had really improved in the last month. She had a tone to her voice that made her sound like an elementary school principal. You kind of felt obligated to tell her the truth, or she might call your parents.
Jay gave evasion one more chance. "We have gone out on a date or two."
Catching onto the word choice, Kim countered, "Well what is it? One date or two?" Her eyes bore into his.
Jay let out a deflated sigh, "One." He closed his eyes to avoid the onslaught he knew was coming.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" Kim practically jumped out of her chair. Her mind racing. "Wait. So that night at Molly's when I met her that was your first date? Oh, Jeez." She slumped back in her chair shaking her head in disgust.
"Not even a real date," Jay mumbled. When Kim just raised her eyebrows for clarification, Jay continued. "We both decided right away that we'd be better off as friends. She's got an ex that she is dealing with, too." Jay gritted his teeth in frustration. He should have known this was all going to blow up in his face eventually. He wished he could go back to that moment at Molly's when Erin was accusing him of hooking up with Kim. Instead of just erupting at her and yelling that he was sleeping with Lily, he should have just gone with the truth. There was no way he was sleeping with anyone else because he was still in love with her.
"Why? Why do all this? Why lie to Erin like this?" Kim let some of her anger go and just tried to understand why Jay would go to such extremes to make Erin think he had a girlfriend.
Jay shrugged, "It didn't start out that way. We were arguing and it just came out." He gave Kim a bitter look, "Recall that this was the same night she accused me and you of hooking up in the locker room. I was pissed at her. I've been in love with her for two years and she dumped me. Then accuses me of being a heartless bastard and screwing her friend." Jay felt himself getting heated all over again. "Maybe I did want to hurt her."
Kim gave him a look that had a bit of sympathy, "But Jay, that was months ago. Why keep the charade going?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. I didn't even realize she thought I was dating someone until last week. I actually thought," he paused and shook his head. He'd actually thought they were making their way back to one another. That starting back as friends was the first step towards getting back to where they once were. He shook his head, "It doesn't matter what I thought."
Jay pushed himself up from the chair. He grabbed his forgotten lunch and walked toward the door, dumping the container into the trashcan as he passed. He paused briefly at the exit, giving Kim a quick glance over his shoulder. "I'll get you Lily's last name by the end of shift."
Author's Note: As always, thanks for reading. This is officially the longest story I have ever written, and I still have a lot more story to tell! So excited for all of you who are joining me along the way. I have some fun scenes planned for the 'club concert' coming up. I just can't decide if Kim is the kind of friend who would tell Erin or not. Any input, readers? Review or PM me you thoughts, comments, or questions. I love hearing from my readers.
