"It requires more courage to suffer than to die."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
I turned on my side, opening my eyes to look at the groggy, hung over woman in front of me. I groaned and rolled back over, taking some of the blanket with me. I stayed like this for about five minutes until my brain made the connection. I sat up quickly, alarmed out of my wits.
"Holy shit!"
Kyou must've been waking up, too, because she also shot out of the futon, completely horrified.
"Did we- Did we DO it?"
I struggled to recall what had happened the night before, but it was all just a drunken haze. Kyou started to freak out, and then directed her anger at me.
"YOU!"
She had the most frightening look on her eye as she crept toward me.
"Out of everyone in the world, my first time was with you?"
She suddenly stopped, and ripped off the blanket to her futon, looking for something. Apparently she found it, as she breathed out a sigh of relief. I started inching toward the door, hoping she wouldn't notice.
"Now I'm going to rip open your head and tear out the memory of this morning."
I was trying to sprint out of the apartment by the time she finished her sentence, as a large teaching manual flew by, narrowly missing my head. I almost made it past the door, until I ran into Botan. Stumbling, I fell on my face, and the giant boar sat on my back, trapping me.
"No! Please, Botan, have mercy on my poor soul."
He oinked in defiance, and I awaited my demise, just as my executioner stomped down the hallway.
"I'm going to take this nice and slow."
I slumped at the table, covered in cuts and bruises. My attacker sat across from me, looking embarrassed.
"I'm sorry I got carried away. I can't help myself sometimes."
I nodded, too afraid to speak. Kyou simply giggled, placing a drink in front of me. I looked down at the drink, a part of my brain whispering, it's a trap. I had a vision of an octopus as well. Weird.
"Go on, take a sip. It's not poisoned or anything."
With mock caution, I took a small gulp. It was surprisingly good, and I drank it down quickly. Kyou set down a bento in front of me, eagerly watching my reactions.
"Eat this. I made it extra special."
What was going on with Kyou? While I scarfed down the food, which was delicious, I checked for signs of insanity. She seemed ok, but there was that strange, nice, smile that was plastered on her face.
"Kyou, what's this all about?"
"I need to check if my cooking is up to par for a little get-together we're having for Christmas."
It made sense, and it did beat the idea of Kyou going crazy.
"You don't have to worry. This is amazing."
Kyou didn't respond, as she went to reading a book about child care. I was about to ask for more, until the voice started.
"I'm baaaaack. Did you miss me?"
I froze, my eyes flitting from Kyou to the door. My demon appeared in front of my only exit, wagging his finger.
"No no no. I'm not going to let you take those blasted pills that easily. We're going to have some fun, first."
He vanished with a low chuckle, and I realized I was trembling. Kyou looked up from her book with concern.
"Are you ok?"
I didn't look her in the eye, afraid of giving away my distress.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go."
I got up, trying to get out before anything bad happened. Kyou stopped me, blocking my way out with hands on her hips and a stern disposition.
"Where do you have to go to in such a hurry?"
I couldn't tell her that my mind was starting to slip. I decided to go on the defensive.
"Why do you care? Do you want me to stay?"
Clearly startled, Kyou stuttered in her response, taken aback by the question.
"It gets lonely, by myself. Everyone we know has grown up, Shugosha. Nagisa and Tomoya have made a family, and Ryou is starting one as well. I don't have anyone, and I like the company I get."
I felt a bit bad for her, as I knew exactly how she felt. But I had to get back to my "home", at least to take my medicine. Without it, I would become more violent than ever.
"Please, Kyou. I have something important that I have to attend to."
She looked so disappointed at that moment, I couldn't help what I said next.
"Let me do this, and I'll take you to that carnival that's coming to town the day after tomorrow."
Her dejected expression changed into one mixed with disgust and curiosity.
"You mean like a date? I'm sorry Shugosha, but I don't feel-"
"No, as friends. Most people would think going alone is weird."
Frustrated, she threw her hands up, taking the offer.
"Fine, but you better not be lying about this."
I staggered out onto the street, and noticed my grip on reality was disappearing at an alarming rate. I started seeing the people who I'd met over the years, grim and angry, each of them. My demon showed up, filled with glee at my discomfort.
"Look upon the victims of your deeds, Shugosha, and take responsibility. You're not running away."
"Shut up!"
I twisted my fingers back far enough to feel white hot pain, but he remained there, triumphant.
"Aw, you can't hurt yourself to get rid of me anymore. Guess you just have to, you know, face me like a man."
I ran away from the apparitions, stumbled, and fell. Clutching my knee for a brief moment, I got up and hobbled as fast as possible, running way from the phantoms of my past. I turned the corner, almost to the abandoned house that held my things, and my pursuer grabbed me around the throat, peering into my eyes with hatred.
"You're such a fucking coward. All you do is hide, instead of confronting your mistakes. Be a man, and accept what you have done!"
"No... I can't. I'm too ashamed. I wish I could forget it all, instead."
He grinned, happy to hear what I said.
"I was hoping for that. I think I'm going to take a break and let someone else do this. Remember Mizuki?"
He vanished, leaving a small girl, in a wheel chair.
"Hi Shugosha."
My eyes widened, and I clutched my head, that awful memory attacking my mind.
"No! Please, leave me alone."
I fell on my knees, howling.
"Shugosha!"
Kyou noticed how strange Shugosha was acting, and followed him, being as quiet as possible. She watched him start sprinting like a maniac, and stop at a corner, choking himself while yelling at some hallucination. When he finally went down on his knees, she couldn't bear to watch and ran forward, grabbing him and keeping him from hurting himself.
"Stop it, Shugosha!"
"No! I have to die... I have to pay for what I did! Every single little thing."
Kyou wrapped her arms around his, and stopped him from scratching his face bloody. It took him fifteen minutes to settle down, but he finally did, breathing heavily with a couple of small, deep cuts in his face, ones that would undoubtedly turn into more scars.
"Where is your medication, Shugosha?"
He pointed at the ramshackle house in front of them, not looking up from the ground.
"Shugosha, get up. I'm not going to leave you here to cut more gaping wounds into your face."
He shakily got up, leaning on Kyou, continuing to stare at the ground. Kyou, extremely worried, dragged her extremely large friend over to the house, asking for directions from time to time. She found a bag of things behind a burnt chair in the living room, and quickly rummaged for the pills that helped bring Shugosha back to sanity.
"Here, take this."
He didn't respond, his eyes glazed and far away. She forced the pills into his mouth and helped him swallow, leading him back to her apartment. It was her turn to tuck him in into one of her spare futons. What he slipped into wasn't sleep, but he did fall into a trance, staring through the ceiling to somewhere beyond it. Kyou watched him until he finally relented, and sighed, exasperated. She was already tired from all of this, but she made her decision.
"I'm going to help you get better, Shugosha. I'm not going to let you break apart."
Trapped in his own mind, he would be shattered eventually without anyone to hold him together. Kyou pondered whether she really did feel more than friendship for Shugosha. Was it... love?
Note: Intense stuff. Hopefully the update will be earlier next time, and way more lengthier, seeing as this one was one of the smallest of all my chapters.
