"Your fans will be disappointed, Dan", Phil said with a disapproving tone in his voice. He turned to make some hot chocolate, but kept his gaze on Dan who was worrying by the bar.
"Would you please stop calling them fans as they aren't my fans, but just viewers. I'm not like some actor or a singer who has fans. And, I just can't. I cannot do a liveshow now. Everyone will just keep asking about my well-being or something. What am I supposed to say? Thecameras are lying. I don't look like this in real life? I have just switched the camera and it makes me look sick or whatever they are calling me now?" Dan muttered and rested his head in his hands.
"But it would be great way to sort things out with them. Maybe you could tell them the truth?" Phil suggested and put the milk in the microwave.
"What truth?"
"That you're anorexic", Phil said like it was obvious. Which it practically was, however it wasn't for Dan. He didn't think like that at all.
"What?! I am not! What the hell are you talking about, Phil?" Dan jumped from his barstool and glared at Phil.
"Calm down, dear. It's okay, it's alright", Phil realised that now really wasn't the proper time to talk about Dan's illness as it seemed that he wasn't accepting it yet. Well, they hadn't actually talked about it before either, so Phil shouldn't have expected anything like that, but he still thought that Dan was somehow, even a little bit aware that he might have an eating disorder.
"Wh-what? I-I really don't u-understand what you're saying..." Dan said in snatches like Kristen Stewart as Bella. Phil came closer and wrapped the confused and overwhelmed Dan in his arms protectively. Dan was starting to figure out now what Phil and the others were thinking of him. They all thought he was sick with anorexia. But that wasn't true! He was just dieting, nothing else.
"Shus... It's alright, Dan", Phil said softly while rubbing Dan's back, knowing fully well that the sharp edges he felt under his palms were Dan's back bones that jutted out way too distinguishably.
And it felt so good...
And that was so wrong.
Phil detached himself from Dan as he had calmed down enough, but kept his hands on Dan's shoulders. He looked down in the shining brown orbs and gave the cherry red lips a deep kiss.
"It's going to be alright. I promise. You don't have to answer them Dan. Distract them with other subjects. You would make them so happy after all this time you have spent away from them. They deserve it. And so do you. I know you will be much happier when you can make other people happy. If you want, I can join you, but I think they want just you for a moment. Okay, Dan? Would you do that?"
Dan bit his lips and lowered his eyes to the floor. A beeping sound broke the moment and Dan stated: "You're milk is done."
Phil went to get it and put the mug onto the counter and started putting the chocolate powder into it and mix it in, when he saw that Dan wasn't going to say anything else for now.
"Okay", he said suddenly after Phil had already lost his hope and was taking his drink to the lounge. He startled and turned around to see Dan still standing in the middle of the kitchen in the same position stiffly, looking a bit insecure. He looked behind his shoulder at Phil and gave him a little smile.
"I'll do it."
"Good", Phil said with a wide smile of his own. He knew that this could be really good for Dan. And his fans. Because that's what most of them were. Even if he was no real superstar like some singer and actors were, he still got people who admired him for being so awesome. I think those people could be called fans, when they also screamed whenever they saw him walking past them.
Phil was his biggest fan definitely then if that would be the definition for a fan. Because even when he knew some little flaws that Dan had, after-all everyone does have them, he still admired him and cared about him like no other did and saw his imperfections as perfect. Because they were also the things that made Dan, the person Phil loved. Sure, maybe he didn't scream at Dan, but he would if he didn't need to just speak to him in a normal volume of voice to get his attention. And if that wouldn't work, he would attack him with a hug, or he would kiss him, or straddle him, or do something else...
Phil opened his computer again, staying by the bar table in their kitchen to give some privacy for Dan and his fans. He was pretty amazed how Dan had no idea that he could have an eating disorder. I mean c'mon, he had all the symptoms. He must know about anorexia too, so it's not like he was uneducated and he wouldn't even know there was a possibility to have such a disorder.
He wasn't just accepting it at all.
Phil hope he had now opened Dan's eyes a little bit. Gave him something more to think and consider about his situation.
Phil went to his Twitter page, it was full of Dan's worrying fans, asking Phil about how Dan was. Phil wasn't sure what to say really. Should he perhaps announce that Dan was having a liveshow, and who knows, maybe he will give his fans some info about it.
He decided against it. It would just pressure Dan even more if he decided that he wouldn't say anything about it, but people would be just pushing and pushing with the questions still. He just retweeted Dan's own announcement of his liveshow, knowing full well that some of his own watchers would like to see it too.
Phil searched more information about the illness Dan was probably suffering of, and looked up some advices on how to deal with it and how to help if there was a sufferer in your family or something. He realised he was doing quite badly, when he was letting Dan be this way and not help him get any better other than just not lose any more of his weight. But Phil didn't want to change Dan now and Dan might not want that as well. Of course Phil would do anything to make Dan happy, but wouldn't he be happy when he would see how skinny he is like he wanted to be in the start?
Phil shook his head, disappointed and almost disgusted by himself. He must be sick himself. He was staring at some pictures of skinny guys that came with the search results of images.
Why did he find them attractive? What the hell was wrong with him? That wasn't healthy. This wasn't healthy. Was this some secret fetish of him or what? Phil closed the tabs quickly as he thought those things. He looked at the cup next to him on the table and sighed. Hot chocolate, more like cold chocolate.
He took the drink to the sink and washed it, to put it back in the cupboard. Then he shut his laptop of when he was done writing a new script or an idea for a video of his. He glanced at the black clock on the wall in front of him and noticed that Dan had been doing his liveshow now at least forty five minutes which was good. Maybe he should join him now as they usually did.
He walked into the lounge. Dan was sitting on the couch indian style and had the computer on the other side of the couch. He was clutching a pillow with an image of space to his chest. He looked somewhat unsure about something while he was reading the chat and was biting his lip that the skin was almost going to break. Phil quickly sat behind Dan and draped his arms over Dan's shoulders and then let them wound themselves around him entirely to press Dan's small form against himself.
He didn't realise what he had done before it was too late. He had been so busy worrying about Dan that he had went automatically to comfort him in the best way he knew to handle his boyfriend.
Now Dan laid shocked and and still as an icicle in Phil's arms who kept holding his to his chest in a very possessive and more-than-just-friends-way.
The chat was breaking with people going "OMG" and "PHAN IS REAL", and Dan's eyes were as big and wide as an any anime character's and his lips parted with unvoiced yelp.
Phil couldn't move, neither could Dan, but their both minds were racing and competing against each others'. Could they undone what had been done? Could they make a joke about it? Could it just be played of as a prank?
No, not anymore. They had been quiet for way too long for it to go off as a joke or a prank. This was real and no one could undo what had just happened.
They were out. Out in the open with nothing more than shocked impressions covering their faces.
They weren't supposed go and tell people about them. Now or ever. They wanted to keep it between the two of them.
Well, it wasn't going to be like that anymore.
"Phil", Dan breathed out finally with a shaky laugh while he tried to get up from Phil's strong hold of him. "We were just talking about, uh... What were we talking... Yeah, the, the, um... Alt-J's music. Wha-what do you think, um, about their music? I-I really love 'Hunger of the Pine'..." Dan stammered and rambled. He could have gone as long as he could stay awake not to have to answer everyone who were losing their shit in the chat, because of what had just happened.
Phil let go of Dan a little, but after Dan's long talk, he decided that they should get just over it. This was now how it was. They were obviously out and now they could act how ever they wanted with each other in front of their fans. It didn't matter now.
So he rested his chin on Dan's shoulder and sneaked his arms around Dan's waist. Which shocked Dan all over again and made him look behind him at Phil. Though all he saw was the jet black hair next to his neck and he felt the soft, warm and calm breaths on his skin, and the protective arms holding him in his place.
The cold shivers inside of him melted away and the razorblades stabbing against his lungs went away.
They were okay. He was okay. Phil was there. All relaxed and calm, so it must be alright then.
Dan wasn't going to ruin it now. Not this one, not now. Not by doing something very stupid to keep people's eyes off of them. They can keep on going whether or not people liked this or not. It didn't matter as long as Phil was there, being okay, with Dan.
And so Dan turned his brown gaze back to the screen where all the fans were, smiled and put his arms on top of Phil's around him.
"I like you", Phil answered suddenly. To Dan's question and also as a confirmation to anyone who didn't understand that this actually did mean what it seemed to mean. He and Dan were together.
And Dan smiled brightly for the first time in months. Because suddenly, with that little sentence, Phil had swept away all the bad things running through his mind lately, making everything ache and messy. It was all gone, just like that. No worries.
No matter how many times Phil would say he loved Dan or kissed him or hugged him, this has been the best and most genuine moment they had shared now that they had been together.
It was so strange. And so very beautiful.
Dan would be forever grateful for whatever had given him this chance to have his tiny, short moment of utter peaceness and happiness. And that would be Phil.
