Words: 762

Ratings: PG for language.

Spoilers: None

Author's Note: I really wanted to write something, and I couldn't remember any of my other story ideas so I cooked this one up. Utterly pointless but hopefully still good for a laugh. As always, please review!

-

"Rukia, are you trying to impersonate a bird?"

"No. I do feel like I'm flying, though." And flying she seemed to be. Partly, anyway. She was hanging out of Ichigo's window, arms outspread, swaying back and forth with a blissful smile on her face and humming something that vaguely resembled Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On.

"Well, get back in here. The neighbours might see you and think I know you."

Rukia, however, had launched into the chorus, and was now lurching about with renewed vigour. After an especially vigorous motion she pitched forward and fell out of the window with a squawk. Ichigo looked up, blinked, and then turned the page in his manga.

He continued to read in barely-contained delight, only half listening to the sounds of a savage creature unknown to any living man proceeding up the stairs with as much grace as a watermelon. "Ichigo!" The savage creature burst into his room. "How could you leave me, lying there, surrounded by a pool of my own blood and near death?"

Ichigo glanced up. "You look fine to me."

Rukia looked indignant. "You talkin' to me?"

"...Yes."

"Well," Rukia huffed, "go ahead, make my day."

Ichigo stared at her. "Make your day...how?" In response, Rukia pranced across the room and settled herself on Ichigo's desk. "Show me the money!"

"I don't have any money. Seriously, Rukia, what the hell are you talking about? It's like -"

"Say 'hello' to my little friend!" Rukia interrupted and hurled a book at Ichigo's head.

"What the fuck was that all about?!" He rubbed his cheek. "You're not Al Pacino, you moron!"

Rukia stared at him, her face twsited in what she hoped was a look of utter contempt. "You can't handle the truth!" And with that scalding remark, she calmly opened a large, shiny and rather appealing book and began to read. Ichigo tilted forward and snatched the book out of her hands, glancing at the very shiny cover.

"501 Must See Movies..." He looked up at Rukia, his eyes blazing. "Rukia...have you been watching all these movies...all these 501 movies?"

"No, of course not."

Ichigo's face brightened.

"I've still got 142 left."

"...I'd like to strangle you now."

Rukia gave a fierce battle cry as she leapt off the desk, kicked Ichigo in the head and dove into his closet. "Rukia! You lunatic woman, no wonder I don't have any money! Come out of there!"

"I want to be alone."

"Look," Ichigo sighed and rested his forehead against the cool plastic of the closet door. "I won't strangle you, promise. Now come out of the closet." When there was no answer, aside from the miserable sounds from within, he tapped gently on the door. "It's - it's okay about the movies. Really. The money's not that important, and we can always return the DVDs to the rental shop..."

Sniff. "I bought them."

Repressing a scream of rage, Ichigo bumped his head against the door. "That's fine too. Just come out of there. And anyway, your life doesn't need to revolve around movies. You're never going to be happy if you keep comparing stuff to fictional ideals."

The closet door slid open a fraction, and then a bit more, as Rukia's head peeked out. "Mr. Ichigo, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"

"What?!" He barely stopped himself from slamming the door on that obnoxious little crackpot's head. "Are you crazy?"

"You had me at 'hello.'"

"I didn't even say 'hello'."

"Hello, gorgeous."

"Stop it!" Ichigo thunked the 501 Must See Movies book on Rukia's head.

Not to be deterred, Rukia continued her tirade. "I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. We'll always have Paris!"

"No we won't! We haven't even -" He was cut off by the bleeping of Rukia's phone. Uninterested, she sighed dismally and stuffed it back in her pocket. "Frankly, my dear," she murmured, tracing circles on the carpet, "I don't give a damn."

"I said, stop it already!" Ichigo stuffed Kon's soul candy down his throat. "Rukia, stay here, calm down and when I get back you better be normal." He paused. "Well, as normal as you can be, anyway."

She nodded solemnly. "Hasta la vista, baby!"

Ichigo growled as he leapt out the window. "Ichigo! Wait!" Rukia waved at him fervently.

"What is it now?"

Rukia thrust Kon's empty plushie body in front of her like a token of war.

"May the force be with you."