The title of this story "Ashes of the Phoenix" is a play on the book it follows "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix," but it is also supposed to reflect how good things are often born from tragedy. In this chapter, the ashes of the Black family that surround Sirius everyday have given birth to his new relationship with his cousin, Tonks. Sirius is confused about the nature of his feelings for her, but it will all make sense in the end, I promise. If you've read The Secret Keepers you'll know what I mean.
12. Reunions
Spring began her quiet approach, slowly seducing winter with her soft, warm breath and kisses of birdsong and sunlight until he release his icy grip on the world. On a night in early spring, on the eve of the full moon Remus returned to Grimmauld Place. Sirius heard the heavy front door open with difficulty and came into the foyer just in time to see Remus close the door and collapse against it with exhaustion.
"Remus!" he exclaimed with pleasure. "I'm so glad your back."
Still out of breath from the exertion of opening and closing the door, Remus could not speak. Instead he stared at Sirius, his eyes glowing with the change that would be soon upon him. Sirius embraced his lover and held him while Remus slowly regained strength. "I'm sorry," Remus whispered with difficulty. "I wanted this reunion to be..."
"It will be," Sirius assured him. "But we will wait until you are well. Do you have the Wolfbane potion?" he asked. Remus nodded and pulled a small caldron from his robes. "Good," Sirisu said. "Now we will get you to bed and you can sleep until the moon wanes. He helped Remus make his way slowly up the many flights of stairs until they reached the bedroom. He assisted as Remus got undressed and climbed under the quilt into their bed.
Remus closed his eyes and Sirius sat on the bed, watching as his friend slept. After a time, he rose to leave the room and was shocked as he felt Remus reach out to him. Remus' fingers were cold as they gripped Sirius with all Remus' remaining strength. "I love you," he said weakly, struggling against the powerful need for sleep.
"And I love you," Sirius told him, placing a kiss on his burning forehead.
"Sirius!" Tonks shouted as she entered the foyer. "Is it true? Is Remus really back?" Walburga Black's portrait woke up and began making dirisive comments about Tonk's parentage, but in her current state she ignored the shrieks and waited for Sirius to reply.
"Yes," Sirius whispered to her as he pointed his wand towards the portrait and closed the curtains. "He has returned." Fearful that Tonks would have another outburst, he lead her away from the portrait, up the stairs and into the sitting room.
"Where is he?" Tonks asked looking around the empty room. She turned to Sirius, with eyes full of fear. "He isn't hurt, is he? Is there anything wrong?"
Sirius laughed reassuringly. "No, no, everything if fine, but, well, the full moon..."
"Oh, of course," Tonks cut across, blushing with embarrassment. "I forgot. I was just so excited to see him that I didn't even think." She turned her face away from him coyly, and it amused him to see her like this. "So how long does it take for him to... recover?"
"Not long, a few days at most."
Tonks sighed and dropped to sit on the sofa. She pushed her lips together to form a straight line as if she was contemplating what to do in order to make the wait go by faster. "I see," she said finally. "When he arrived last night did he say anything? Did he ask..." her voice trailed off, as if she were unsure if she should continue her question.
Sirius shook his head. "He was too weak," he told her. "He could barely make it up the stairs to bed. He said next to nothing, except..." and Sirius recalled how Remus had reached out to him, saying the only thing he could, the only thing that truly mattered. "... except to ask for help in taking the potion," Sirius lied.
Tonks was silent for a few minutes, lost in her own thoughts, but then she looked up at Sirius and sighed again. "I suppose, after all this time away, I can wait a few more days. I was just so hopeful for good news. Some days it feels like nothing will ever go our way." She stood up from the sofa and walked over to him. "Thank you, Sirius," she said, and she hugged him, lying her head on his chest.
"For what?" he asked as he reached up to stroke her short, spikey, pink hair. It was softer than he thought it would be. From far away her hair seemed to have sustance, as if it were hardened by gel, but touching it he realized she must have charmed it into shape.
"For being here," she sighed.
"Where am I going to go?" he laughed. "I'm stuck here, remember?"
"I didn't mean that," she scolded, pulling back so he could look into her eyes. Her eyes were so much like his and everytime peered into them like this he felt as if he could see into himself. The effect was mesmerizing, and as soon as he tried to focus on the one thing he wished to discover inside those grey pools, it seemed to slip away just beyond his reach, remaining forever a mystery. Her hands that rested on his arms suddenly gripped him more tightly. "What I meant was is that The Order of the Phoenix is a lonely place. Yes, I know we are all in it together, but sometimes I feel as if every one of the members is hiding some secret, some tragedy, that they aren't sharing: a private reason for being involved in this dangerous plan. And it is those secrets that keep us from truly coming together as a force."
Sirius was struck by her observations. He thought back to his conversation with Remus about Snape and how there was some mysterious reason as to why he abandon the Dark Lord to work as Dumbledore's spy. Dumbledore's past was known by only a few and even fewer knew the true pain of lost love that his actions had caused him. Remus, of course, had kept secrets his whole life, the secret of the wolf inside him and the secret of his intimate connection to Sirius. Sirius lived with his own pains, sadness, and hidden love.
"Do you think I'm foolish?" Tonks asked, breaking his revelry.
"No, you may be right. But I still don't know why you thanked me."
"Because within that lonely group we call The Order, I have you and so I am never lonely."
Sirius snorted, unwilling to accept her compliment. "I have my share of personal tragedy, as you know."
"Yes, but I know about James and Lily, the years you spent in Azkaban, and the ashes of the family that used to inhabit this house. Your history is my history, because we are of the same blood. And now you have Harry who everyone can tell brings you so much joy, and then there is Remus..." Tonks stopped before she elaborated on how Remus fit into the picture she painted for Sirius - a picture in which they stood together, strong, with Remus and Harry by their sides. "Don't you see, these things make us different than eveyone else and not as sad."
Sirius pulled her wordlessly into him and embraced her. Like Remus she saw the good in him, she looked beyond the despairing man, and to see a soul full of love. For a moment Sirius wondered if the fleeting glimpse of knowledge he saw when he looked in her eyes was in fact her soul, or the reflection of his own. As he held her he realised that her feelings for Remus, feelings she had never expressed but were obvious to him, made him feel closer to her because they echoed his own. Most loves inspire jealousy of a rival, but for Tonks he only felt a kindred spirit.
She wrapped her arms around him more tightly and he kissed the top of her head, ever so lightly that he wondered if she even felt it. "There are more secrets than you know," he thought to himself. "Secrets that are bound to tear apart this fledgling family, this love we now share. Hold me while it lasts, because it won't be here forever."
The full moon waned and Sirius kept a vigil by the side of his bed until he saw Remus' eyes open and light of recognition shine upon his ashen face. "Hello," Sirius said. "Welcome back."
It had been a long time. "I'm sorry I don't have more strength right now," Remus told him as Sirius lay beside him, kissing his neck and running his fingers though the short strands of hair which stood on end after his long sleep. "I know you like ..."
"Shh," Sirius interupted, hushing his fear of inadequacy. "It doesn't have to be that way, at least not this time. You've been gone so long, it could be different. We could pretend it was the first time and be gentle, tentative, tender. We could imagine that each touch was a new sensation, every kiss an unexplored country."
And so it went. Like virgins, they reached out softly to one another, expecting the unexpected. As he made love to Remus, Sirius wondered if it could ever truly be this way for him again or if age had dulled the intigue of sex. Would a new lover be just like the old one? In bed, was a person really no more than a body of parts, or did the soul make the way one made love unique? He felt Remus's fingers shyly exploring him and he thought of how he had danced with Tonks on that winter night, how he held her in the sitting room and kissed her fragrant, pink hair. He pulled Remus closer. Placing his lips in Remus' hair, he whispered, "I love you."
He left Tonks alone when she came to Grimmauld Place for her long awaited reunion with Remus. He remained upstairs as he heard the two laughing voices descend into the basement kitchen. He would have joined them, but he knew that if he watched them together jealousy would rise within him like the wolf at full moon. The reality that Remus could want her the way she wanted him would ruin the love Sirius had in his heart for both of them and he didn't want to risk losing that. For now, he wanted to be like Tonks, blissful in her ignorance of a love that existed, yet invisible to all.
Eventually he heard Tonks leave. She whistled cheerfully on her way out, and Sirius smiled to himself thinking of how beautiful she was when she was happy. He waited for Remus to join him, but he remained longer than expected in the kitchen. Sirius was about to join him when he heard Remus bounding up the stairs and an uncharacteristically fast pace. "Sirius," he called. "It's Harry! He's in the fireplace waiting for you!"
Thank you Shiny Object, Prfm, Malianani, Lily Louisea, Lollytron, Desiesjo for the great reviews. Thank you AstheWorldTurns and HiddenintheShadows32 for your Favorite Story designations. Thanks to everyone who reads without reviewing, too. Somedays when I feel discouraged, just knowing people read this makes me happy :-)
